The Break-Up Journal: Giving Up the Past


September 13—Waking up completely alone is so nice. I have to admit. Waking up with P is so nice too, but stressful. 

So, my doctor called me back about all my blood work and it all came back normal. My hormone levels are all normal: no infections, no weird stuff like AIDS or STDs. I have very healthy blood levels and a healthy liver, et cetera. Together we decided that I’ll go on the pill before I try out the Prozac. This way I’ll know if it’s hormonal or not– The mood swings, that is. But that’s all great to know. Best news was she said I have young ovaries. How nice. Although I’m not sure what I’ll need my ovaries for anymore.

No gym yesterday. Instead, I got the house ready for Dolores who came early while I ran errands. I finished the two big projects that I was working on for work. I was so proud of myself, but got no complements. As usual. P and I emailed back and forth, nothing in particular. We are heading out for a drive to Adamstown or around there to visit some antique shops. It’s very close to Strasbourg Brewery and antique mall where C was always clamoring to go. I swear those two are the same person with only subtle differences. As much as I love P, his way of communicating grossly falls short of C’s. But P has other stuff, loads of other stuff that I adore. I just can’t think right now. And I ‘m still so upset with him. Besides, I need to stop comparing.

C is playing at The Rooftop tonight. I actually thought of bringing P and the kids. But the more I think about it, the more I think it’s a bad idea. P will only make fun of C and his music, C would be uncomfortable, and the kids would be stuck somewhere in the middle. What’s my deal with trying to combine these two in my life? I don’t get it. Tracy! Step away from C. He’s the past. You need to let go. It’s not right and it gets P very upset because of his jealousy issues. But remember?  You secretly love his jealousy issues? Ugh.

OK, so, I need to woman up. I promise today I will not mention his name. We will take a beautiful ride out to PA and lose ourselves to the countryside. We will be loving and maybe even get to know each other better and simply enjoy this late summer day.

And yet…there’s the nagging question in my brain: when will we ever have sex again??? It’s been too long. 

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