The Break-Up Journal: Dead end


August 20–Gosh! Abuelo and Abuela are gone. It’s kinda sad. The boys won’t be able to see them until next summer. We went over to my sister’s to say our goodbyes. Everyone hugged. Eyes filled with tears. And then we came home, back to the laziness of late summer days, to a quiet house, which I wasn’t fully ready to accept–so we went right back outside, hopped on our bikes and rode down to the Sandbox to get ice cream.

After dinner, after dark, P called later to say goodnight and we chit-chatted a bit. He was on a high and very talkative, rambling on and on about his usual rants: defending blue collar people, wondering if Legman’s grocery store is a Jewish name or John Lennon was actually named John Finkelstein. I don’t get it. I’m not really sure P is racist, but I do think that large groups of people with common cultural attitudes can get on his nerves.

While I slept, I could hear him texting me. I could hear my phone beeping and vibrating throughout the night and it had such a wonderful affect upon me: my lover is thinking of me.

He got all upset last night because I said I was going to go to one of C’s shows October 8th. He was “joking” that I might be seduced back to C, and then he said, “You can’t go back to C because he smokes pot every day!” I said, “I can’t go back to C because I’m in love with someone else.”

He did admit that while 95% of what he said was a joke, there was 5% that was pure jealousy and fear of abandonment. Is it wrong of me to be completely flattered by this? And yet, in all honesty, I can’t go back to C even if there was no P. I’ve come way too far. I’m not willing to destroy all that work on what I know is only a temporary thing. I see a future with P. I see us living together some day. I know that I deeply want that. C would never give it to me. He was a dead end. And yet…oh, how I loved him.

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