Ever find yourself hanging on to certain people and just desperately needing their attention? In most cases, we become clingy and needy with people who tend to keep us at a distance or avoid us. How can you test this theory? Well, I’m betting that you are NOT needy and clingy with other needy/clingy people. Think about it. Think about someone from your past (a friend, an ex, a family member) who showed you lots of love and never let you out their site. How was your behavior then? Probably not clingy. Maybe even a little avoidant?
The world works in yin and yang. It works to balance out loss or gain.
Even if you have no example of that type of situation in your past, where the tables were turned, we still exhibit clingy, needy behavior when we feel avoided. But how do you change that kind of behavior? Most of the time people think this type of behavior comes from loneliness. They say, just learn to do stuff on your own! But that is not exactly the answer. A better approach is to surround yourself with people who give you a good amount of attention, love and kindness. When we improve our self worth, and believe we are worthy of time and attention, we automatically attract better quality individuals.
If that, however, is still not enough, you are very possibly trying to “fill the void” with other people. In that case there are two approaches:
1. Start to fill your (imaginary) void with things that are important to you. Hobbies might not cut it. You might need to search for what makes you passionate (hint: leave people out of the equation and search for ideas, beliefs, career paths etc.). My all time favorite advice was “work with your hands.” When you do that your brain becomes focused on something other than meandering thoughts. It becomes focused on the task (at hand).
Or, better yet….
2. Stop believing there is a void. Allow people’s attention and friendship to be “ENOUGH.” Whatever it is they are willing to offer, it has to be “enough.” Practice “enough.” The next time you are with someone and they go to leave, let them. Practice being OK with that and saying, “Thanks for hanging out,” or “OK, bye.” NO matter how much it pains you. Don’t try to push or force the situation. When they leave and you are once again alone, allow yourself to feel that emptiness and aloneness, but don’t equate it with a VOID. It’s not a void. It is simply you growing and learning what “enough” means. Like hunger pangs to someone on diet…you are merely attempting to shrink your stomach and readapt to a smaller portion of whatever it is you think you NEED.
Here’s more on “filling the void“