Go ahead, go back…


Go ahead. Go back to your PoA (person of addiction)! You know you want to. ANd if you want to and feel as though you should, surely that means it was meant to be, right? Why not! Every emotion you have, even a burp or a fart has huge significance. Right? A sign from God. So follow it and go back to him.

And when you go back….enjoy! And be happy! Be happy that he’s IGNORING you. You don’t deserve to be paid attention to anyway. In fact, everyone including friends and loved one SHOULD ignore you. Because what you have to say is not very important. Other people (who ramble on about nothing and do nothing with their lives) are so much more important than you.

And when you go back….feel the amazing feeling of the CONFUSION. It’s fun and exciting to never know what to expect from one day to the next. She’s running hot and cold! One day she loves you, the next she doesn’t? Perfect. Instability is probably just what you’re heart desires.

And when you go back…feel the intense love that, let’s face it, you are most likely creating on your own, because, let’s face it, half the time he’s off with another woman. Oh the LIES, of the BETRAYAL! WHen I was a child. I always dreamed of having a loving relationship filled with these things. I also wanted a guy I had to fight for. Nothing comes easy! Love is meant to be painful and filled with suffering.

And when you go back….celebrate the good times! Because they are few and far between and erratic as heck. And well…they don’t exist anymore. Because she’s gone. But who cares! She comes around every so often, and isn’t that a sign from the Gods that she’s still hanging on and wants to come back? Because people who love you want to spend as little time as possible with you. Ah…the memories! They will keep you warm at night.

And when you go back….rejoice in the REJECTION and the SCRAPS that he’s feeding you. Why take anything else? You are not ready for anything better. Rejection and scraps are right up your alley and you are worth it! There’s no way you could handle a decent, warm meal. Not you! You’re too rugged for that. You prefer to eat your meals out of the garbage can.

SO yes! Next time you wonder if NC is just getting in the way of this great relationship of yours, if NC is not worth it, if NC is just a waste of your time…then I DO suggest going back. And maybe then, you’ll remember why you left in the first place.

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48 thoughts on “Go ahead, go back…

  1. Thank you so much for this. I actually left a job (found another one that pays even more – didn’t just quit) to get away from my POA. I just could not handle any more of the BS. But….4 months later I am still missing him and the scraps he threw my way. I think “oh but he used to come by my office just to talk, he must have liked me.” No, it was just convenient for him and I was an easy target, someone he kept in his back pocket for when he wanted to text me at 11:00pm with the oh so romantic “coming over tonight?” I would jump up, get dressed, and race over there because I was sure this was the time he was going to fall in love with me. Then, even though I would see him in work every day, he would not call (text) me again for weeks or months.

    I’m still having a hard time with the decision to leave a job over this guy but I know I did the right thing because living in a crazy, fantasy, love addicted world was not getting me anywhere and it was only going to get worse having to see him every day. I was always a nervous wreck that he would show up with a date for a company function. When I asked him if he thought it would be awkward if he brought a date to the Christmas party, he said “Not at all. What we have is just between you and me.” Just not a good way to live when I was head over heels for him.

    Sorry to write a book here, I just really appreciated this post right now. It’s what I needed to hear.

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    1. Sounds like you did the right thing. We’re so prone to thinking that leaving a job or a relationship means that we’re “running away.” But that’s not always the case. We are solving problems and coming up with solutions that work for us! ๐Ÿ™‚

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      1. Thanks. It really doesn’t feel like I did the right thing most of the time though. You had written something a while back about not making decisions based on emotion. I feel like I made my decision based on emotion, not logic. I had been at my job for 4 years and even though my new job pays more, I left a lot when I left that job. I just keep telling myself I had been praying for a way out of the situation and I got an answer and felt like I had to take it. I do have regrets but it’s hard to determine how much of it is missing my POA and how much of it is missing my old job. It’s just not that easy to start over when you’re not a spring chicken anymore! But, if I had stayed there, who knows what would have happened and where I would be right now? But, it is driving me CRAZY not knowing what he is doing since I used to keep tabs on his comings and goings. I keep thinking I got this new job for a reason, maybe I just don’t know the reason yet.

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      2. Just because you make decision with your logical mind or your emotions doesn’t mean you’ll always like the outcome. I too left a great job I loved to get away from a guy. All my life I lived with a deep sense of regret for allowing him to make leave. But the older I got, the more I realized, I could have stayed. But I chose to go. FOr whatever reason. And looking back and “regretting” never got me any farther. SOโ€ฆ.I abandoned the regret and CHOSE to look at the positives of where I was headed. It took me a long time (years to recover from that break up). But I did it. You will too. Your success depends solely on your PERSPECTIVE, not what you think is really happening.

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  2. Of course I Google “Love Addiction Blog” and read this AFTER I emailed my POA today — ugh! I am always a day late and a dollar short.

    Seriously, though, I am bookmarking the sh*t out of this blog, and I will come to it every time I want to talk to him. It had been a month and then he emailed me, so of course I obsessed for 3 days before replying. Last night I was so proud of myself for not replying, and then today something unrelated triggered insecurity for me and I emailed him back to feel better(?). It’s like crack, I swear. My ex (son’s father) and his new wife are having twins, I found out today. So to “feel better” about that (even though I don’t know why I am upset in the first place, honestly) I emailed my POA back. How that makes ANY sense is beyond me. So now I am in the awful position of waiting for a reply, which I am sure I won’t get. And with that, we have the lovely beginning stages of my recovery.

    No LAA meetings in my area but I do have some Codependents Anonymous meetings available — I am going to one tonight.

    Thanks for the blog. I love it!

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  3. This post made me very damn angry. Probably at myself more than anyone else. ๐Ÿ˜‰ This is a lot of my history, and my challenge now is in dealing with the pain of *not* behaving like this. I’m left to wonder if it ever ends.

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  4. Thank you! This woke me up to help me maintain NC when I’m struggling tonight with loneliness and desperation and wanting those old addictions.

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    1. i read this a month ago and commented above. read it again this morning and was going to comment for what I though would be the first time. When you’re in active addiction your mind is so foggy you forget everything that has nothing to do with your POA. I’ve had NC for 6 days now although he isn’t blocked at all. His choice not to contact and that is helping me to see more clearly how little he ever cared. He kept repeating he wanted me in his life ‘as a positive’ which always seemd a bit strange to me. My last email was about how depressed I am and i knew he wouldn’t like that at all an dhe hasn’t been in touch since. So much for all the empathy he was professing. You live you learn. Greta

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  5. This is wonderful. I am still acting out with my PoA and this post rings in the back of my head when I call him. You are helping me use my adult brain more and more…thank you!

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  6. i keep coming back to this article in your blog, it helps me keep reality at the forefront because it is my story it is me and it is soooooo true it is very powerful and very helpful i am using it as a tool when the pain of withdrawal hits i read it and it helps to center my mind in reality……….thank you for writing this, and thanks to my higher power and myself for helping me find it

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      1. darn tootin! :o) i leave in one hour for my first LAA meeting, i am scared therefore am kicking my #@$% all the way there lol just colored my hair and took a shower just for me and my little inner child we are happy with the results

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      2. well i drove an hour and a half and got lost and never made the meeting took me over 3 hours to find my way home am really sad because i have enjoyed sharing on the love addicts forum but well when i read the terms it said basically but nicely if you have been part of bdsm or are a love addict go to that other forum and last night i recognized and admitted i am also a sex addict, the bdsm i am not part of that lifestyle but was and i believe it was because i found a convenient place where people said to be degraded ignored used and humiliated is normal……..but i am no longer part of that but i was……..through my 9 days i realize i am at day one of sex and love addiction because through those 9 days i was using what is my sex addiction pornography and risque literature to go to that twisted unhealthy place……so it saddens me i won’t ever be going to that love addicts meeting after all because where i belong is the sex and love addicts meeting. i have to tell you the truth as horrible as it was i didn’t feel so bad about being a love addict sounds so much nicer then sex addict.

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  7. Hi Carol, how wonderful that you can be so honest, but I hope you realize that even if you are a sex addict, you can still go to a love addict’s meeting, so long as you focus on the love addict behavior and not the sex addict behavior. They won’t turn anyone away who believes he or she is a love addict. We ALL have multiple addictions! It just might be inappropriate to talk about a drug addiction at a love addict anonymous meeting, or talk about sex addiction at a food addicts anonymous meeting! ๐Ÿ™‚ You know what I mean? Don’t give up! Try to go back. No need to tell them about all your addictionsโ€ฆjust LoVe ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. thanks, i hadn’t thought of that, after all i have a lot to talk about regarding my love addiction alone and yes i have other meetings i can go to where i can discuss the sex addiction, and it was also helpful that you mentioned i am not the only one who has multiple addictions………….it was just such a shock to me i suppose…………thanks for your words of advice i find them caring and comforting and yes empowering, i had not realized i had that option

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  8. im really glad I read this. I have struggled with my POA for ten years..It hurts more than I ever thought anything could, wanting him to be the “same as he was” when he first thought he was batting above his average blah blah. If you had told me when I was 16 my life would have this much pain at 34 I wouldn’t ever have believed it. I need to read this every day and stop telling myself he loves me…yeah. He’s addicted to me alright. But its not the same thing. And it cant be turned into love either.

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  9. Glad I saw this today. It was exactly what I was looking for. My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago. It was a tumultuous relationship that ultimately helped reveal that I am a love addict. It’s probably only been about a week that I have accepted that it’s really over. It’s amazing how an addicted mind can rationalize. Even after telling me he has joined a hook up site (bc losing me was so hard, even though he ended it, and that he is having trouble hearing that I plan to move on), I have been fantasizing that he will see the error of his ways and call or text me. I have been close to reaching out to him, although I kept asking myself, why would I want to go back to the pain and misery of that relationship where I wasn’t valued, often lied to, and felt terrible about myself? I still haven’t completely figured out why I am so scared of myself or being alone, but I know I need to.

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    1. Hang in there Jeff, and read as much as you can on love addiction. The answers to your questions will come to you. But you need to spend some time with just you, searching for those answers. ๐Ÿ™‚

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      1. It has been rough. The tug of war between my adult, logical self and my immature, emotional self. I have contacted him. I have checked his email. I thought that I had accepted that it was over, but if I am being honest, I really haven’t. Doing those things only makes me feel more alone, in more pain, and angry at myself. I have had enmeshed, co-dependent relationships since I was in grade school. I guess I can’t expect to turn it around overnight. I am grateful for this blog, the forums, the love addiction books and work books. Logically, I feel pretty confident that understand the why and the how of my addiction. Emotionally, I wish I knew how to just let go of him, accept reality, and heal myself. I guess it is just going to take consistent effort and patience.

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  10. Hang in there, Jeff. You will be able to let go only when you are certain that you can stand on your own. Right now, you BELIEVE (falsely) that your PoA is what is grounding you. He is not ๐Ÿ™‚ You’ll get it. You’re smart. It’s only a matter of time.

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    1. Thank you for the words of encouragement ๐Ÿ™‚ There is no turning back now. I do believe and have hope that there will be brighter days ahead. I am going to keep working at it!

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  11. I know from another recovery program that I have to be willing to go to any lengths to be free. Therefore, I moved 900 miles away from my POA. Even still, I could not maintain NO CONTACT for many more months. But, I did not quit trying. I had to change my phone number many times (that was embarrassing), and finally I rigged my email to send him a message stating “This account is closed.” Finally, I am free. Each day, week, month gets better. I still think of “my story”, you know, the one that says one day everything will be good. But, today I know it is just a story I used to buy into. It is only a story. I realize it is only a fantasy story. The reality is and always will be quite painful and I am done with painful. I finally get it; I don’t deserve painful relationships. That is my first realization. Next, I must realize that I deserve and am entitled to an equal partner. In the meantime, I continue to learn who I am, accept myself, like myself, and eventually, I will love my SELF.

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  12. I live with mine though. .how am I to stand having to see him every day before I have enough money saved to leave..
    And not fall back into this cycle ?

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    1. I’m not sure I want to suggest living with a friend or moving back home, but if those are not options, then hang in there. Just living with a “roommate” does not mean you have to go back. Set healthy boundaries. Make rules. Try to stay out of his way until you can work out a plan to separate. My ex huby and I lived in separate bedrooms for years before I found the courage, had the education, and the money to leave. It’s possible. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  13. hi, l0velyjune, how are you? had to read this post today, though my POA doesn’t want me back. i wanted to ask is it normal to try your best to heal, do some difficult job to be free and then with a moment go back to your paint of a broken heart. My POA left me over a year ago, it was hard to say the least. i knew that this relationship was not good for me, because i always felt pain of abandonment and was very needy. i felt as if i did not have my self esteem. after months of reading and searching i came to conclusion that his withdrawnness triggered a love addict in me (i didn’t know i was one) and my suffocating neediness woke a love avoidant in him. so this relationship was chaotic and very painful for me, though i thought he was love of my life. after some alone time i started to feel less pain and worked on my life – couldn’t look at guys anyway, then one day i spotted him with a girl and all the pain came back for a few weeks. then i felt better, even started to enjoy small things, sometimes – for a short periods of time, i felt happy, quit smoking and life was pretty good. until yesterday, when i met some friends of my POA. They told me that he has a girlfriend now, and in two seconds i felt as if i was struck by a truck. i couldn’t breath. had a strange dream, where my ex told me that he couldn’t even look at me, so he left me and found more attractive girlfriend. today i woke up pissed off and cried all day long, thinking that maybe this girl suits him better and doesn’t trigger avoidant in him. and they are happy, while i try hard to enjoy what i have. can you imagine?? it’s beed almost a year after a breakup. and all this year i couldn’t even think of any other guy. today i wondered if i fooled myself, maybe somewhere deep in me was a hope, that after i heal we could get back together… ? it sounds so silly to me. i want to ask you, did you experienced something similar? am i recovering? why there intense painful feelings keeps coming back, and they come back shortly after i begin to feel calm, start to make plans etc. Thank you for your blog, l0velyjune, i wouldn’t survive without it.

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    1. Underwater, So sorry for my delayed response! I have taken a few months off. Revisiting the pain, or having it retriggered is VERY common. But it’s not his love that is upsetting you, or the loss of his love. Seeing an old PoA, especially one who has moved on, is typically a reminder of how far we’ve come. If you feel as though you are truly living the life you have always wanted to live, his presence will not shake you up. But, if his presence flings you back to your old self, and makes you feel like you have lost something, this is a sign that you have a little more work to do on making peace with who you are and living for you, not anyone else. Because you wrote this so long ago, I hope it has resolved itself. If not, try to speak to the angry sad and lonely voice within you. Tell her she deserves respect, attention, care, kindness, and real love. Your PoA deserves that too. But you both clearly need it from other people.

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      1. you are absolutely right. i spent a lot time thinking, that my desease of love addiction, was the thing that ruined my most important relationship. today i can finally admit, that this desease led me to this unavailable man. yes, i need more work to do. hope you do well. ๐Ÿ™‚

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