For many, many years (too many to count), I was the smartest failure at relationships around. I had picked up some of the best advice on how to date and learned many lessons on how to have a successful relationship. I also knew extremely well the concept of loving myself, that I had to love myself in order for others to love me, and that I was one-of-a-kind. I knew I had to behave a certain way and that if I wanted anything in life I had to go out and get it. I also knew all too well that when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, I would change.
But change never occurred. The same problem kept repeating itself over and over and over again. I would “say” that I was worth a lot and deserved better, but then I would date men that treated me poorly. And so, I was stagnant, stuck in one bad relationship after another. And when I picked up that gazillionth self-help book that told me everything I already knew, I felt defeated. I constantly asked myself, how could I know all this stuff, but still be living an unfulfilled life?
And then it hit me…
Sure, all these lessons were sinking in. And sure, I was learning them. But I wasn’t put them into action. I was still remaining in my head, hoping that my outside environment would change so that I wouldn’t have to. I was waiting for the “right” guy to show up on my doorstep. I was waiting for the current guy to change his behavior and be my dream guy. I was waiting for the perfect job to appear out of no where and beg me to work it. But the truth is, the only time in my life that real change ever occurred was when I took action. When I actually got up and made some physical or mental change that could be measured in comparison to my previous actions.
- A job never “appeared” until I actually went back to school and got my degree (I took action to gain valuable experience and once I was surrounded by people in my field of choice via an internship, I was able to more easily make connections and get job offers).
- My current guy never “changed” so I made the decision to leave him and I took action to do so. It was painful, but I was willing to take the risk because I believed I was worth more than he was willing to pay.
- My dream guy never “showed up on my doorstep” (well, he kinda did, but I took action long before that happened, to change ME so that my dream guy would actually be interested in me and recognize me as someone mutually healthy). I began to support myself financially, I finished my degree and went on to grad school, I dressed better, I improved my overall appearance, I learned the meaning of being grateful everyday for what I have, not what I “could” or “should” have. And I was happy being me.
OK, so it’s time to ask yourself if you are taking real action towards your goals or if you are “all talk” and no action. Are you waiting for Prince Charming to show up on your doorstep? Or are you focusing on becoming a better more fulfilled person on your own, so that IF Prince Charming (I kinda hate that term but it’s the best I got for now) comes along he will recognize you as someone healthy? Are you waiting for your current guy to stop neglecting you, stop cheating on you, and get real? Or are you being realistic in understanding that if he hasn’t changed by now, he most likely never will? And are you taking action to move away from the relationship?
If you are taking actions, what are they? And most important, are you repeating these healthy actions or are you doing them once and giving up?
Moat importantly, how do you take action when you’ve been in a state of non-action your whole life??? Well, you start by setting an important goal based on your values. Just one goal! Don’t overdo it. For example, you want to get your PoA off your mind, but yet, you continue to dream of him, think of him, and maybe even check his Facebook page from time to time, despite being in NC (no contact) with him for three months. So…think of a value; something that is very important to you; something like this: I do not want to be the kind of person who is controlled by negative or pointless thinking. Now, create a PLAN OF ACTION to achieve that goal. For example, if you do not want to fill your head with “pointless” (and trust me, stalking the PoAs Facebook page is pointless!) meanderings, then list FIVE things to do that will help change that: 1.) Turn to a comfortable hobby or resource every time you feel the urge to think of the PoA, 2.) Read books on an important topic so that you fill your head with challenging thoughts as opposed to unchallenging ones, 3.) Find PURPOSE in the new actions you take and do them often until you train yourself to prefer these actions, 4.) Meditate. Take five minutes every day to connect to yourself by visualizing who you are without the PoA. 5.) Improve your self-talk. There is no better way to move yourself to action that to think CLEARLY about actions. Actions are not just movements you take with your body. Actions are the vehicle that transports you to where you want and need to be to become healthier.
Lastly, a story. Actions and beliefs must be in perfect alignment if you want to feel like you’re chaining. What do I mean by that? Well, if you believe you are a smart person, then go get a degree if you don’t have one. If you love yourself, then stop polluting your body with toxic substances or polluting your mind with toxic thoughts. If you believe you are strong, pull yourself up off the sofa, out of the house and go for a run. Beliefs need to equal actions for a balanced life.
- The Prince Charming Syndrome (wildrequiem.wordpress.com)