He’s not the one if…

Soul-Mates by ~Sha-X-doW, deviantart.com

Back when I was still with my PoA, I found myself constantly questioning whether or not I was doing the right thing by staying with him when so much of the relationship felt so wrong. I mean after all, he was “the one.” I’d been with him for three years and I’d loved him like I never loved anyone before and he said he loved me too! I honestly believed I had to overlook a few of his bad qualities because, well, that’s what you do when you are with your soulmate, isn’t it? You overlook the bad and try to stay focused on the good.

Thing is, the longer I stayed, the more I realized his bad qualities, while acceptable to others, was not acceptable to me. I couldn’t make peace with about four of his qualities. Just four! And yet, those four were hurting me.  That’s when I became aware that my idea of “the one” was a little flimsy.You can love someone deeply, you can even have a lot of things in common too, but if certain criteria are not met (umm, he says he loves you but he’s not physically or emotionally available) then you may have to reevaluate your definition of “the one.”  That being said…..here are a few obvious signs that he might not be the one.

He’s not the one if…

1. He left you.
Plain and simple. Your soul mate doesn’t leave you, even if he insists he’s never loved anyone more than you. Whatever the excuse, it’s just that. He’s not the one. When someone wants to be with you, when someone is right for you, they don’t leave you. They want to be with you, despite their circumstances.

2. You left him.
We tend to leave people out of frustration because we cannot change their behavior, or as a threat to change. We leave people simply because we know or feel that something is wrong. And that’s a good thing. But love addicts tend to GO BACK. They tell themselves, “I have to go back, because he’s the one.” But this is so far from the truth. This is part of your addiction not wanting to be alone. It’s your addiction telling you that the pain of staying is better than the pain of being alone. But, remind yourself this: when a relationship is right and good, it doesn’t inspire you to keep running away. You are running away for a reason: this guy is WRONG.

3. He’s with another woman (he’s dating or married).
I have met so many women who fall in love with a married man (or a man dating another woman) and come to believe that the two are soul mates; that “he married the other woman because he hadn’t yet met me.” If that were the case, and occasionally it is, then you need to stay away from that man and his wife until his relationship is resolved and until he is free to date you. Soul mates are not married to other people. That’s Hollywood. That’s fantasy. And that’s wishful thinking. It’s trying to justify your behavior when truthfully, there is no justification for it. The reality of life is that when you have a relationship with a married or partially available man, you are an unwelcome intruder, whether you were lured there by the man or you went willingly, you are doing SEVERE DAMAGE to all the people involved, including yourself. Not only do you need to create morals and values for yourself, but you need to see how distorted his morals and values are if he is taking action to be with you. So often we are so grateful that someone is paying us attention that we don’t care who or what it is. We’ll take the validation any way we can. Or perhaps we feel emotionally safer with a married man. There is less intimacy and emotional expectation after all from someone who cannot commit to YOU fully.

4. You’re with another man.
Oops! You finally met “the one,” but you’re married to someone else. But here’s the deal: “the one” is probably mostly attracted to you now because you’re married. To him, you’re safe, and he doesn’t have to fully commit to you like he would have to fully commit to someone who was otherwise free. Soul mates are not married to other people. That’s Hollywood. That’s fantasy. And that’s wishful thinking. It’s trying to justify your behavior when truthfully, there is no justification for it. The reality of life is that when you have a relationship outside your marriage, you are inviting an unwelcome intruder into your life—the one that presently anchors you to your hubby. An affair is selfish and childish, and you are doing SEVERE DAMAGE to all the people involved, including yourself. Not only do you need to create morals and values for yourself, but you need to see how distorted his morals and values are if he is taking action to be with you. If you truly believe someone outside your marriage is worth going after, then that someone better have the will and desire to wait for you while you are resolving or dissolving your current relationship. If he doesn’t, he’s not the one.

5. Someone is cheating on someone else.
When a loving relationship is right and good, no one is cheating, no one is lying. Cheating and lying are both ways in which people distance themselves from one another. Cheating does nothing to bring two people closer. Cheating is an immature act. It is based on the concept of immediate gratification (I want what I want and I want it now and I don’t care about the consequences). Adults can control themselves. Immature people can’t.

6. He neglects you, avoids you, doesn’t call, doesn’t write, text, etc.
Soul mates don’t neglect you, avoid you, or have a million excuses why they didn’t call. Not sure what that’s all about. But you deserve better than that. Normal, healthy men call you, they want to see you and spend time with you. Don’t think otherwise.

7. He verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically abuses you.
If he’s “the one,” he is not abusing you in any way shape or form, and likewise, you are not abusing him back. Physical fighting and making up doesn’t count either. If he hit you once, chances are he’ll hit you again. If you are in danger, get out. You are worth saving.

8. You’ve only met him online and haven’t even seen him yet.
It takes a long time to know and love someone. You may “click” with someone relatively quickly. You may be attracted to them right off the bat via a photo. But attraction nor clicking over the internet is a sign of deep love. Those things are superficial, and though they are a great start to a possible relationship, they are not a relationship. Talking for hours with someone you cannot see, hear, smell or touch is not healthy either. Good partners need to fully commit, in person, so as to enjoy the reality of their closeness. When we invest so much of ourselves so quickly, we are partaking in an act of instability. We are not being cautious or caring about the safety of our hearts. Take your time. Get to know someone. It takes months, if not years to fully know and love someone.

9. He lives too far away to have a normal, healthy relationship.
Long distance love affairs occur all the time. But in order for them to be healthy there must have been a foundation to the relationship to begin with. A couple who dates for a year, for example, and then one of them is stationed in Iraq has a chance of success because the relationship has a foundation. But someone you met over the weekend, who was in town partying with friends and plans to drive the five hours back north to live his life? Probably not going to work. And why would you want it to? You deserve someone closer, more available.

10. Either of you are heavy drinkers or drug users.
When someone is on drugs, or drinking, they are not the person they were born to be. They are not functioning like a healthy member of society. And they are in the process of numbing their emotions and their reality. To fall in love under the influence, or to fall in love with someone who is excessively under the influence would be like falling in love with a fraud. They are not real. You know nothing about them. And when they sober up? They may be unrecognizable.

11. He has a circumstance or situation which keeps him from connecting with you.
Soulmates may have skeletons in their closet, but they don’t have circumstance which keep them from enjoying who you are and what you have to offer. They are available. Maybe not 24/7. But a good enough amount of the time that you healthily need them to be. If he has a son that takes up all his time or a job that he’s addicted to, chances are he may not be emotionally available for you. People who love you, make time for you.

12. He only wants sex.
Sex is not love. If he’s the one, he will love you and want to make love to you all the time. But that should not be the ONLY thing he wants. You have far more to offer, and the right man will recognize that and love the whole package. And please! Don’t be fooled by the sensation of hot, passionate, deep, meaningful sex. Any two people with chemistry and attraction can have that. If that’s all you want, fine. But that alone is not the basis for a healthy relationship.

13. He never wants sex.
If he’s the one, he will love you and want to make love to you all the time. Or, almost all the time. Or as much as you healthily need so that you never feel starved for sex. Libidos are tricky things. Some of us have strong libidos, some of us don’t. The trick in knowing if he’s right, is that he wants it about as much as you.

14. He comes right out and says, “I’m not the one.”
(or a variant of that, as in, “you’re too good for me,” “We’re not supposed to be together,” etc.) Listen to him. He’s telling you something. Whether it’s a game or a manipulation or not. Take EVERYTHING he says at face value. Why? Because you don’t play games. Not playing games or falling prey to them will teach him quickly that whatever he says, he better mean, because you will only communicate on a fair playing field where things spoken are as they are meant to be. So don’t overlook his comment and think, “he doesn’t know what he wants,” or, “maybe he secretly wants this…” That will cause you to get embroiled into a certain manner of communicating that is dysfunctional. And let’s be honest, if he doesn’t know what he wants or if he can’t communicate his wants and needs maturely, then why the heck do you want to a have a relationship with him?

15. You have to chase after and stalk him.
If you have to chase after or stalk or watch someone, they’re not the one. This is harassment. It is trying to force a relationship with an unwilling or unavailable person. As one website explains: “Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantingly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have).” Stop stalking. You are better than that. Someone will love on your terms. But you must first put the energy and effort into loving yourself.

16. You’re the only one giving 100% in the relationship. Although good relationships are not always fifty-fifty, like we grew up believing, they’re not hundred-zero either. They’re not even twenty-eighty. But they do fluctuate more closely in a healthy range of give and take. Balance is the key.

17. Everyday seems to be fraught with suffering.
Love is not suffering, despite Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights, Doctor Zhivago or Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Novels and movies may romanticize the pain and suffering of love, but in reality, there’s nothing romantic about real suffering. Our lives are not little movies. We should never expect suffering for love to be normal or healthy. Suffering and pain are signals that there is something very wrong.

18. You just met him and this is your first, second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth date.
You cannot possible know if someone is “the one” right off the bat. Sorry. Cannot happen. You can certainly click with someone. But a deep, healthy, loving relationship is a lot more than a “click.” It develops over time. It’s a process. And to know if someone is “the one” or not takes many months, if not years.

19. After months of dating him, something doesn’t “feel” right.
Or after a few dates, if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t! Listen to your instincts. They are there for a reason. They help guide you. As bad as you want to be in a loving relationship, it’s more important to listen to your gut.

20. He comes with red flags.
Plain and simple: he’s not the one. Keep in mind though that a red flag is not “snores at night,” or “constantly blows his nose” or even “doesn’t dress in the latest fashion.” These are not red flags unless you are completely superficial. A red flag is “has a history of cheating,” “lies a lot or a little,” “never calls when he says he will,” “does drugs,” “still lives with mom,” and so on. There are also blaringly obvious red flags (he’s a meth addict, child molester, he’s in jail, etc.) and then, there’s your own personal red flags, things others may be able to deal with, but not you (he smokes pot occasionally, he’s 40 and never been married, he plays video games incessantly, he doesn’t make enough money). Despite the fact that person A may think all of those things are red flags, person B may not. Whatever the case, know your red flags, and if your guy’s got ‘em, he’s not the one!


11 thoughts on “He’s not the one if…

  1. Lovely, my biggest and best enlightenment about all of this has been to realize that if I have an avoidant in my life and I am scared to let go, of who he may end up with instead of me, his ability to move on quickly from me, etc etc, the usual painful part, I now understand that if he is an avoidant, he will be that in his next relationship as well and will therefore just take all that poor behaviour with him. I have no need to feel pain anymore at what he will do without and after me. I maybe now just have pity that he is who and what he is and thank the lord that I don’t have to endure the frustration and pain anymore. This concept is certainly speeding up my recovery at lightning speed. One again, Thankyou. J.


    1. HI Riot GIrl, Yes! It took me a minute to get this one too! I used to say of my love avoid ant Ex, “but she gets to have him…” like he was some special prize…then my friend in program said, “yeah, but she also gets to HAVE HIM…all of him, including all of the hurt! ” TRUE BIZ!


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