It’s been exactly a month since my initial post about D, and I feel as though I owe it to this blog to add this new relationship to the unfolding story of my life. Is this love addiction or isn’t it? I don’t know. But it’s all a part of the process of being me, so I’ll dish. Since my last post about him I have to say a lot has definitely transpired. For starters, we got closer.
We waited about 7 weeks before actually having sex, and when we did it was wonderful, close, loving and tender. The emotional build up was really exciting (sex tip: everyone should wait as long as possible. It’s so worth it). During the time before sex we went out to dinner several times, talked incessantly and drew closer to each other. After sex, it seems we’ve gotten even closer, more intense, more comfortable and deeper. We go out more, we laugh more, we seem to be building this thing between us that is growing larger than we are, and it’s amazingly good. We have maintained a relationship of writing to each other every day via e-mail, we see each other every weekend and meet for lunch sometimes during the week. He’s taken me out to some really wonderful places, paid for everything, bought me a book on the Pine Barrens, made me CDs of some of the best music ever and on and on…He’s definitely a giver. In fact, last week, in congratulations of my getting accepted to the MFA program in Creative Writing, he bought me a beautiful silver ring with a seafoam green stone in it and a card that said, “My favorite place in all the world is next to you.”
But here’s the best part:
As I am a “recovering” love addict, I am obsessively trying to keep things in check and AVOID drama at all costs. What that means is this:
- I don’t try to see him at any cost. I pretty much let the natural flow of events happen. We can’t see each other as much as I would like, but I am grateful for the time in between for “me” time- and I also like how laid back I am about not seeing him all the time. It seems to make the quality time when we do see each other so much nicer.
- I avoid telling him too many negative things about my past. I am trying to be healthier. It’s not that I am lying to him. If he asks I tell him. But there’s no need to bring unnecessary drama into the relationship by telling him of things I have overcome.
- I don’t delve too deeply. I am a very analytical person, however, I’ve rather been in the mood to keep things light instead of so serious.
- I am not using the “L” word. Nor is he. We are instead flirting around with “I adore you,” You amaze me,” I am wow’ed by you,” and so on. I also keep telling myself that this is not Love. It’s too soon to be love. Whatever it is, or whatever it’s called is very, very nice. But it’s not Love.
- I am trying to be patient. If he doesn’t e-mail me right away, I’m OK with that. I’m OK with that because I trust that he really, really, really likes me.
- I am not putting this relationship up to any standards. Whatever happens, I allow it to.
- I don’t call or contact him first. I let him make more of the effort and he actually likes it better that way, I think. Besides, it takes a lot of weight off me.
- I always put my children first. They’ve only met him once but other than that, I have not brought him into my world and if I have a priority to them, I have to cancel plans with D. Same with my family. We are waiting before we tell everyone.
- Despite this feeling new and good and despite there being a lot of passion, I am not allowing myself to get overly obsessive. I try to keep other stuff like work and family in the forefront of my mind.
- I still go to the gym. I still maintain my normal routine. I still meditate. When I need to refocus on me I have a song that brings me right back to ME. It’s wonderful how that can happen.
- I am not on an extreme HIGH. I really like D. There’s passion. But I am grounded.
- Lastly, I don’t over-analyze any of his behavior (because he doesn’t do anything that would trigger me to be suspicious, i.e. lie, drink, do sneaky stuff). If I do find myself doubting something or feeling uncomfortable (rare, but it happens), I allow it to pass through me without drawing too much attention to it. I give him the benefit of the doubt and I let it pass, calmly.
A HUGE part of the equation to being in recovery is that you tend to pick and choose better quality men. I believe I have done that. And yet, I am not being too sure or overconfident about anything. I am still cautious. I am still reserved. I’m not throwing myself into this emotionally or otherwise like I often tend to do. Also, because he likes me so much, I am not nervous or wondering where he is all the time. I have faith that he’s there and when he has the time, he’ll call or try to spend time with me. That’s not to say that I have given him all the control either. Ours is a mutual relationship. There’s a very nice give and take between us.
I am keeping my eyes open for red flags. So far there are two which he’s admitted and hopefully you’ll laugh when you hear them:
- he loves watching sports on TV (during baseball season)
- he’s afraid he will bore me some day.
Somehow I don’t see those as being red flags as much as normal issues that couples have to deal with.
Anyway…so that’s where I am for today. I hope it grows. I hope it gets better. I hope I can set an example for others who have suffered with love addiction and let people know that it is possible to someday be “normal” and “healthy.” In another 6 months I will have a much better grasp on this relationship. I can give you a better picture. Until then, wish me the best!