Strength


When I was 20 I moved to Paris, France to study and write. It was the only time in my life that I was truly me and alone and without a man and as happy as can be. But I traded Paris in for a much smaller life and for bad relationships and I sold my soul to the devil. If I look my life along as a graph, I was climbing high in Paris, reaching my goals. And after I came home, the line sharply drops and I seem to give up.

Of course, I cannot think like that now. I have to convince myself that the route I did take had its value. I have two beautiful sons, a home, a family. But I have no career and I’ve spent a lifetime depending on men instead of me. 

At any rate, I wanted to share this ridiculously corny poem that I found in my journal from June, 1989. Many of my friends that I’d met in Paris were traveling or leaving on holiday and I was left behind in Paris, alone, trying to figure out the meaning of this huge loss and aloneness.

 

Une poeme

When does it start?

When life falls apart

And you struggle to make it again. 

Who is my friend?

The Lord till the end

So never let go of his grace.

Where is my place?

It’s inside your faith

But will die if you give up your dreams.

It’s so hard it seems.

Oh yes, indeed.

But you must always continue the climb.

And if I fall behind?

My dear, take your time. 

There’s plenty of days for change.

And if I don’t play the game?

You’re only to blame.

Living begins when you try. 

And if I should die?

Then at least my dear friend, you will know in the end

that you tried to reach for the sky….

One thought on “Strength

  1. 1989, my favorite year 🙂

    Anywho… this poem reminds me of Tupac’s poem “In the event of my demise.” It has the same energy/feel. The lyric:

    In the event of my demise
    when my heart can beat no more
    I hope I die for a princeple
    Or a belief that I had lived for
    I will die before my time
    Beacause I feel the shadow’s depth
    So much I wanted to acomplish
    Before I reached my death
    I have come to grips with the possibility
    And wiped the last tear from my eyes
    I loved all who were positive
    In the event of my demise

    In the event of my demise don’t shed no tear
    I’ll share my wisdom with the world, they’ll know I was here
    Know I was clear, every thing I said I ment
    A outlaw, when I was born they prepared my ditch
    Said I won’t live long, statistic show
    I’m tryna past 24 realistic goal, listen though
    You gotta stay cold inside
    That’s what I tell myself when I feel alone sometimes
    But I can’t cry, I don’t tear no more
    I love god, so death I don’t fear no more
    I part take in this movment to better my people
    Though they see me on TV, I tell them we equal
    Don’t look at me as a stranger, I’m one of your own
    We was raised in concrete and grew as a rose
    Still I rise, but never get a chance to fly
    Mama please don’t cry
    In the event of my demise

    In the event of my demise
    can’t breathe no more
    hope I die for a principle
    something I lived for
    dying before my time
    feel the shadows of death
    Trying to fulfill all my dreams before I reach my death
    came to grips with the possibility
    The world’s killing me, and my soldiers die young with no sympathy
    I wipe the last tear from my eyes
    I loved all who stayed strong
    In the event of my demise

    If I should die before I awake
    let my family be straight of the money I make
    Give my son, what he needs, other than his father
    Is it self respect, better yet his honor
    when the lord come to swallow my soul, it’s so big
    Cause the street took enough of my life, we all see
    It’s a cycle make you feel psycho
    Everything struggles behind this man, see nobody love you
    Got a piece of the streets and it’s gonna die with me
    may your, soul forgive me
    Makaveli’s within me
    In principle we stand by stronger than power
    We gon’ die by the rules you can never devour
    On the earth from my birth felt nothing but pain
    only thing I ever gained was a baby to name
    that’s my heart, and if I should go I’ll go on in the sparks
    that’s the event of my demise, and it lurks in the dark

    [Chorus]

    Now as I stand here, a man here
    Not a perfect one, but a searching one
    Seek in another, blazing time
    Sound crazy but I’m actually tryin to escape my mind
    Tryna erase in time
    but hoping that you didn’t notice
    When i was at my lowest
    Although I knew they was watching, I couldn’t stop it
    So many things I wanted to accomplish
    Too many dreams, wasted with no promise
    From out the darkness I struggle to see the light
    Rumble deep in the night
    Hustlin with all of my might here
    Some won’t see it that way
    But us is given praise
    But all of them will prayin’
    That I did it my way
    In the event of my demise

    I was born to a storm that won’t let up
    And I was raised to stay brave with my head up
    But thing ain’t got better
    We still gettin wetter in this bad weather
    I need more than a sweater and a leather
    Yo, ain’t nothin ment to last forever
    So the stuggling and the suffering ain’t gon’ last forever
    And my will, probably be like two lines long
    It will read I’m dead but my soul lives on
    And my spirit still living though my body is gone
    In the event of my demise I love all who stayed strong
    I love all who stayed strong
    In the event of my demise, com’on

    In the event of my demise
    when my heart can beat no more
    I hope I die for a principle
    Or a belief that I have lived for
    I will die before my time
    Because I feel the shadow’s depth
    So much I wanted to accomplish
    Before I reached my death
    I have come to grips with the possibility
    And wiped the last tear from my eyes
    I loved all who were positive
    In the event of my demise

    Like

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