Just this morning I came across a journal entry I wrote a week before S and I split up. I wanted to share it because I’d forgotten all this stuff. I’d been going around feeling abandoned. Rejected. Feeling like we had the perfect love affair until he quit on me. I’ve even been feeling sorry for myself, believing I’d been dumped. Addicts have tunnel vision. When their person of obsession (PoA) is taken away they lose that sense of clarity– of deeper truth. They only feel wronged and struggle to end those feelings of rejection and loss. But there is ALWAYS a bigger picture. Read….

Well, I kinda broke up with S last night. He did something that shocked and disturbed me greatly. And I thought, “how many more times will he do this before I figure it all out?”

Anyway, it was Thursday, I had a free night (no kids), which hadn’t happened in a long time. But S chose to work instead of hanging out with me. The job that he complains incessantly about and a night that he doesn’t even have to go in and he tells me he’s going into work and that we can hang out Friday night until 11:00 and then he has to go into work again. 

WTF.

That makes no sense whatsoever and it hurts like hell. 

So, I told him I can’t take it anymore. No bluffing. And that I think we need to split up or something. He didn’t have an answer right away but kind of told me that he now believes he does fear commitment and intimacy. He kept saying he was sorry and that he messed up and that I’m the healthiest person around. But I’m not buying it. 

Look, I understand that you were raised with no intimacy but that doesn’t mean you need to run away from it the rest of your life. You make a conscious decision to try to be intimate OR you LET ME GO. Release me. It’s that simple. 

I said, I’m letting this all out at the risk of losing you, but I have to be honest. You have to know where I’m coming from and what I want out of life. I’m dreaming of having your baby, living with you someday, marrying you, and so on. By this point in our relationship, you need to know if you want those same things too, or if you are simply stringing me along well knowing you can’t give them to me. The latter is highly unfair. 

Truth is, I’ve been very depressed lately. I’m at a low point, thinking that I haven’t been entirely honest with myself either. I keep thinking that maybe I am staying with S simply because he’s S. Because I don’t want people to see me as unstable if I break up with him. Don’t get me wrong! I really like S ALOT. But I’ve never felt a closeness with him like I did with, dare I say it, G. Except for the very beginning, S has been very emotionally detached. Unable to express himself like a healthy, adult male. There’s an immaturity to him. A stunted growth. It’s disturbing. But I’ve tried to overlook it as I do love so much about him. And I always want to accept him as he is. But if I am to be brutally honest, I know S and I won’t work out. He is far too troubled. And that aside, we are quite different. Thing is, he tries. And then I feel bad. WHat if he really does love me and I leave him? He always said he had abandonment issues and gosh, I cannot hurt him. Ever. I’d rather hurt myself. 

I don’t know. On the one hand I feel desperate to keep him in my life. I love him deeply. On the other, I feel like giving up and being alone. Just getting it over with, this lesson I am suppose to learn….