Dignity~Step 3


I think dignity is a very hard thing for an addict to grasp. So many of us are self-absorbed, needy, bottomless pits at the height of our addiction that we do not find any purpose for dignity in our lives. We live, instead, without pride, like dogs chained outside to a post, feeding on scraps our owner tosses us on the ground. 

Dignity is not something for which the love addict strives. What point is there in dignity when you are so hungry? When begging is your foremost means of sustenance. 

When i came to this question I was humiliated. I had no dignity. I felt no dignity. What had LAA taught me after all? Nothing, if indeed, I was still up to my old tricks. Sending off emails to someone who doesn’t want a relationship with me, chasing after my PoA after I’d left him several times for other men. Basically doing nothing with my life but waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to come save me. 

Of course, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But that’s how i FELT. And that is what eventually propelled me to find dignity. To seek it out. To know what it really feels like. I was actually angry that it was something i didn’t have. 

So….

I stopped responding to my ex’s emails. I let G come to me instead of me going after him. I looked for new jobs. I worked on my writing. And the more time and effort I put into those things the more i realized i was building a sense of dignity for myself. Changing little things was all it took. 

As for friends and family, I have always been quite giving and caring and have a very STRONG relationship with my close friends and my family. So in that sense, I have already known dignity my whole life through them. 

Baby steps toward self dignity tho. Baby steps. And the conscious choice to want it in my life. That’s all it takes!

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