So I go to the LAA forums almost daily and I read a gazillion post and I post my own stuff and I just realized how MANY post are directed at blaming the other person for his or her faults. He was a narcissist. She had “issues.” Etc. I do this too! And it annoys the heck out of me. But this is a recovery site…it’s not a place to analyze the Ex. I’ve said that a hundred times. And now it’s time to make good on it…
When S and I broke up, almost a month ago to the day, he said, T, you did nothing wrong. It’s all my fault. You were prefect…And boy did that feel good. Finally! I was off the hook. My hands were clean. But of course, that’s not true. If i was perfect, we’d still be together. Right? So I took a long look at where I might have gone wrong and I came to these conclusions:
- I fell in love too fast
- I pressured him in matter of marriage and living together too soon
- I had very high expectations of someone who you simply cannot have high expectations of
- I did not accept him for who he was– well, i did. but i accepted the man he tried to be, not the one he is inherently…
So i looked at this list and i thought…if i had not done these things would we still be together? And the conclusion is: no. we would not have made it. It’s not that i did the WRONG THING, it’s that we were WRONG for each other. PLain and simple.
It helped to write out this list. Everyone should because it awakens a truth. I am fortunate enough to say that i never deliberately hurt him (nor him me). Others may not be so lucky. But you will be AWARE of your own part you played.
Here we are writing about the “Loser” and the “Narcissist” and yet, WATER SEEKS ITS OWN LEVEL. We are very similar to our PoAs. Maybe we are the loser or the narcissist. Maybe we are the crazy one. I know that HURTS like heck to hear, but this is what Self-Discovery is all about. I am NOT saying that anyone is a bad person and did NOT endure pain and suffering from their PoA. I am saying look inside YOURSELF for answers. Own your part. Stop blaming them.