I recently learned about boundaries about 9 months ago. I consider the word “boundary” to be synonymous with “maintaining personal values.” So…with this last bf, who i began dating 8 months ago I felt all proud and self-confident about not making the same mistakes as before and i was all proud about my new found self-help techniques in helping me live better…so I put up the boundary “no drugs.” I don’t like drugs. I have an aversion to them. I don’t understand when people do them to be like, “hey, man…it’s a spiritual thing,” or, “it relaxes me.” When someone does drugs close to me I experience A LOT of pain and suffering. My PoA did drugs. I want to avoid even the most casual or recreational use at all cost. Probably unhealthy, but that’s who I am. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. So…I told then bf 8 months ago, “no drugs in my life if you want to date me.”
I was VERY proud of myself for putting up this boundary. And i held on to it and kept it up and for the most part, he respected the boundary.
But eventually, he couldn’t live with it and chose pot over me.
At first i was humiliated. i felt completely rejected. How could i have been so healthy and maintained my values and STILL be dumped???? How could i have this new found sense of self-love and self-respect and the man of my dreams decides to leave me anyway???
I blamed my boundaries. I thought, if only i wasn’t so rigid about drugs. If only i allowed him to be himself i would have been able to hold on to him. He would have still loved me.
That thought lasted about a week until i realized the importance of boundaries. Part of recovery is not only making boundaries for yourself but being able to keep them despite the consequences those boundaries create. Certain people, whether you love them or not, will not appreciate those boundaries and they will move away from you. It FEELS like rejection (to an LA, that is) but in actuality, it is your own act of self-love– it is your own way of weeding out the people who cannot respect and cherish your values.
I made a healthy life choice to keep drugs out of my life and when i did that, the consequences were that i would lose the man i loved. Well, which is more important? The love from a man who is on drugs, or the stand that you make for yourself to keep that kind of stuff out of your life?
When you create a boundary, remember, you are doing so in HONOR of who you are and what you deserve in life. And that not everyone will respect or like those boundaries and that you may lose people you love. Keep them up ANYWAY, despite rejection. Despite loss. Because they are who you are. They are you, being good to you. And there ARE people out there who will be OK with the boundaries you have- just by virtue of who they are.