Winning him…


A new concept occurred to me the other day and I wanted to share. I bumped into my PoA the other week and he’s kind of been back in my life in spurts. Back in the day when this happened i would try to “win him” back. That triggered the realization that I actually do this with my new boyfriend…i have this over-excessive need to PLEASE or WIN and it overtakes me and I lose sight of just ENJOYING the fact that we both like each other. 

I don’t need to WIN anybody. No one does. Sure, in the beginning we put our best foot forward but that’s different. That last a few months and then reality sets in. If you are still working double time to please. STOP. 

Taking my own advice, I’ve stopped putting my energy into doing dumb things like pacifying him, or holding back some of my feelings or expressions so as to not offend him. Going out of my way to help. Silly stuff that will ruin the relationship if i keep it up. Now, instead, I just do what comes more naturally. If i have something to say that i think might offend him, i say it anyway. And i say to myself, “this is who I am. As long as I am not being overly selfish or hurtful, I should be able to enjoy who I am in his presence. If he doesn’t like it, then oh well! There’s nothing i can do about it.” This way feels so much more real and better!!! No more winning. My man might be a prize but this ain’t no carnival!

2 thoughts on “Winning him…

  1. …this was the post regarding my question (posted on “about the blog”) that was most closely related, but I would love for you to talk some more about this!
    p.s. I have been in my current and really great/healthy relationship for over a year
    -pandar

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  2. Hi Pandar,

    This entry was written in 2008, two months before this prize of a guy ended up leaving me because he no longer loved me. Part of my “winning him” came from an unconscious fear of losing him–I must have sensed it was coming!

    Truth is, our behavior (since we are not firm in our identities as love addicts) changes to suit the needs of the man we currently date. If I notice a man is neglecting me, I step it up a notch and try to be of more value to him, or I complain. If I notice he needs his space, I try to disappear or I complain. One or the other. In essence, you end up feeling either like a nag, or like you are constantly walking on thin ice to please.

    For the LAA link to this thread go here: http://laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=pearls&action=display&thread=5868

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