Confused


Since my return home, I have been feeling rather rundown, tired, burnt out etc. and I believe it’s causing my brain to want to create drama where there may not be any. 

I’m having a very difficult time with my OWN self-created happiness– as in, I’m not creating any. And quite frankly, i don’t think i have “realistic expectations” about how much of my happiness should be coming from my relationship. I think I am once again turning to my man to be the “be all and end all” of my happiness. I am slowly starting to make him my whole life. Slipping. Letting go of my boundaries. Obsessing. For example: he’s ALWAYS busy. he doesn’t write me love letters anymore. He doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful anymore. He doesn’t touch me in a loving way anymore, unless we are in bed. He tells little lies here and there because he doesn’t want me to think bad thoughts of him. And as you might remember, he didn’t write all that much when I was away for 3 weeks (according to me, that is!).

On the flip side,, he always calls and texts me every day (now that i’m home). Still wants to see me as much as before. Still says he loves me. And when asked if he feels the same about me, he says, “yes, you are still the best darn thing that ever happened to me….” When i need him, he helps me. and the sex is still good and loving- although i am usually the one who initiates. 

I am DEATHLY scared of messing up this relationship as I believe it to be as healthy as it’ll ever get. And i truly want to stay. And yet, normally, it is my pattern to RUN AWAY and GET OUT of the relationship if i think my expectations are too high or if i start obsessing or losing myself. 

Bottom line: I do not know how to lower my expectations, or ask for what I want to the point of being satisfied and being myself– all without running away– or at least attempting to. 

I told him I’d like to have “a talk” tonight and it kinda got him a little scared. But i did not bring any drama to it. I said, “this is a talk about sharing feelings that’s all. I am not going any where. I love you and I don’t want you to worry. But i am a little confused over some of my feelings…” So…we will see what happens. Truth is, I want to tell him i’m having thoughts of going BACK to my old PoA. I feel as though if I do not have a 100% satisfying relationship with him, then i want to just blow everything up and go back to being the slacker that I used to be. i want to just give up. If i don’t have the best, then what’s the point? I know that sounds very manipulative, but it’s not. I honestly feel this way. 

I’ve been doing so well and now…the maintenance of the relationship is getting to me.

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6 thoughts on “Confused

  1. I’m not sure how long ago you posted this, but I really wanted to just say thank you for your blog. I came across it somewhat by accident, yet your words are exactly what I’ve been looking for. I understand you to a T. Like, weirdly so. I am going to have to (want to) continually visit your blog. I think this whole addiction is about that new point of reference we are searching for, finding, and having to relocate on a daily, weekly, and sometimes hourly basis. You put what’s going on inside us into such honest words, as vulnerable as it makes you (us) seem. I so thank you for this.
    I will keep reading and will post more comments for sure.

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  2. Hi Pandar,

    Thanks so much for reading the blog. I’m so glad it helps. The more you read about love addiction and know what it’s all about, the stronger you grow! 🙂

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  3. “A book needs to be written about mid and advanced recovery and what to do once you’ve determined your worth and decided to never allow anyone to treat you poorly again (Susan…hint…hint).”

    LJ — hint, hint! 😉

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    1. No, Jennifer. This was written in 2008, before I met D. This was S, the guy I dated before D. It was the last relationship of its kind… with an avoidant! And it was the relationship that made me promise to God I would never put up with half-hearted love again. I kept that promise with D– who still shows me love and affection every day that is reciprocated. And with whom I never obsess.

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