Tag Archives: relationships

Are you diving into a shallow pool?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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When we want something bad enough, and we’re in a hurry to achieve it, get it, feel it, secure it, we sometimes put blinders on, and dive in. Our desire for immediate gratification can be all encompassing depending how hungry we are.  And with Valentine’s day tomorrow, this could mean rushing out to find “the one” within the next 24-hours. Loneliness, in fact, is one of the major motivators for risky behaviors. But, sadly, it never pays to dive into something quickly and blindly.

Here’s a rather ugly metaphor for what I’m talking about:

You are told by a stranger that there’s a pool at someone’s house in town. You LOVE, love, love swimming and you haven’t swum in years, so, without missing a beat, or asking any questions except “where’s the pool?” you run home, get your bathing suit, your towel, your sun block, your goggles and head on over to the address. 

On the way over, you envision the water, the warm air, how wonderful the rush of the plunge will feel against your skin. You fantasize about how good it will all be–just the way you remember it. Maybe you’ll do laps. Maybe you’ll do the butterfly. Or the side stroke. Oh, the possibilities! It’s been so long!!!

You finally arrive at the door of the owner, knock, meet and say, “I’d love to use your swimming pool.” But before waiting for his answer, you waltz right passed him to his back yard. Without actually looking at the pool though, and sizing it up, you then proceed to put a pair of blinders on. You feel your way to the diving board, bounce a few times with exhilaration…and then….jump into a shallow, dirty pool of water and not only break two arms and a leg, but your nose as well. 

How could this have happened, you think? How could I have dove into this filthy shallow water when I “envisioned” the water so perfectly?

This, of course, is a rather far flung story, and yet, the love addict does this every time he or she gets involved in a relationship. We fall helplessly in love–some of us within hours–only to later realize that the object of our affection was a shallow pool and now that are blinders are off, we are broken.

When we are willing to put blinders on and turn our lives and our safety over to someone we do not know well enough, it’s because the “fantasy” for a perfect love far outweighs the importance of what is real. And what is real might be too ugly or scary for us. So…we close our eyes, we throw caution to the wind and we dive in. Chances are when we do that, there will be enough water in the pool to catch us. But when we are blind, how can we be sure? We can’t, because there’s no guarantee UNLESS we make such a big decision with our eyes wide open, fully aware.

My advice:

  • Take your blinders off. When you refuse to LOOK at things as they are, you run the risk of diving into a shallow or empty pool!
  • Stop the “fantasy” in your head telling you that that guy you just met online is your soul mate. He’s not. At least you have no way of knowing that until you spend months, YEARS getting to know him first.
  • Be open to seeing, acknowledging and, if necessary, taking action toward avoid people with red flags (don’t just avoid the flag! Avoid the person waving the flag!!!)
  • Use common sense when dating. Would you dive into a pool blind-folded? No. Then why go home with someone on the first date? It’s the same thing. Why allow your emotions to lead you to the sensation of “falling in love” when you just met someone? That’s not realistic. You may feel a chemical “attraction” to someone immediately, but don’t confuse that with LOVE. It’s NOT!
  • Ask the right questions. Don’t just ask “where’s the address of the pool” ask if the pool actually has WATER. In other words, when you are dating, don’t just focus on a person’s good looks, or pick up lines. A relationship takes a long time to form and while I don’t suggest interviewing anyone on a first date about all the skeletons in their closet, it might be a good idea to think of dating someone as taking a college class. Educate yourself about this person through a series of dates. Don’t be afraid to hear info like, “I’m already dating someone.” WHen you Value yourself and love yourself, chances are you will want to protect yourself from getting hurt. Learn as much about the people who enter into your life as you can. The more you know, the better you will be able to make decisions about  keeping them in your life or letting them go.
  • Never trust your fantasy. In your mind Jack the Ripper or Charles Manson could be turned into the perfect mate if you’re creative enough (and trust me, love addicts are!). When you open yourself to reality and what is right in front of you, you can SEE the truth, and while it might not be what you want it to be, it is real and will allow you to make healthy decisions.

Donut or apple? How will you choose?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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There is a truth that you will need to accept, grasp, understand, make peace with and use as tool to move you forward, if you want to recover. That truth is this: We love and allow hurtful people into our lives because the hope and need of being loved far outweighs the need for taking care of ourselves. Why is that so? Well, chances are we learned that our parents didn’t take very good care of themselves, so why should we? We also learned that impulsivity feels better immediately. So, why wait?

It’s like choosing a donut over an apple. We make that choice by virtue of what our parents taught us. We make that choice based on our own internal perception of who we think we are. Are we a person who’s little voice inside their head says: Who cares about me or my health?! Let’s have fun and party now! I just want the immediate gratification of that donut!!!! Or does that voice inside our head say, My body is a temple. I really don’t want to pollute it. I’ll have a donut every once in a while, but I prefer to be good to my body and so, I choose the apple. When we choose the donut day, after day, three to five times a day, what happens? We become overweight, unhealthy; we may even become stricken with a preventable disease like diabetes. When we choose the apple, we live a longer, healthier life and we live with the pride in knowing we took care of our health. It’s the same with love addiction, only, we’re choosing the donut.

So, how do you go from a diet of donuts, cookies, fast food and junk–stuff that might taste really good, but doesn’t do a darn thing for us–to one of fruits,veggies, nuts and seeds that can literally transform our entire being???

The answer is both simple and complex.

When you want to make a change of any kind, you need to change the way you BELIEVE in something. In order to give up the junk food, you have to train your brain to believe that fake, orange cheese in a can is NOT FOOD, and while it may taste good to you now, it is a trick. When you’re a love addict you need to train your brain to believe that the PoA is NOT FOOD FOR YOUR SOUL. He might feel good for a minute or two, but it’s a trick. He will do the same amount of damage as the can of cheeze wiz.

When you recover and want to date people who are good and healthy for you, you must learn to give up the need for immediate gratification for love and protection from someone else. When you do that, and you take your time searching for someone healthier and the priority changes from expecting love from an outside source to protecting yourself and enjoying your life as it is now, only then will you start to allow healthier people into your life. This takes longer, it’s harder to do, and it’s not instant (even if you have chemistry!) It takes putting down that deliciously tempting donut and having an apple instead.

Getting to that point is hard too. Some people see no value in deferred gratification. They see no value in the apple. But sometimes what it takes is detoxing from all the sugar and sweets you’ve been eating so you can finally see clearly! What I mean by that is this: when we are getting a hit of the PoA (person of addiction), we only know the value of that immediate pleasure that comes after days, weeks or months of pain and agony from abuse, neglect or suffering. And so we get brainwashed or trained into recognizing that our pain is temporary because there will be a hit of pleasure, no matter how small, at some point, if we just hang on. To get out of that cycle and retrain your brain to believe there is a different way to exist is very difficult. But there are two ways this can happen:

  • If you’re lucky, you could be struck with a life-altering experience that changes you. The complete rejection of an avoidant PoA, the death of a family member or friend, hitting bottom, seeing the light, and so on, are all examples of an outside force that propels us to change.
  • If you’re not so lucky, you have to follow the harder route: changing your belief system from within. That takes months and possibly years of reading about recovery, reading about your addiction, learning new ways to live, to think and to be. It takes finding a better model of love and copying that. It takes giving up your old, unhealthy ways by learning to replace them with healthier ways. It takes many months of being alone, of trying to figure it out, of making sacrifices.

Eventually what happens is you start to see more value in the apple than the donut. You start to see more value in healthy people than you do in the “bad boy.”

When I was younger, I ate french toast and pancakes for breakfast. I ate donuts like there was no tomorrow. McDonald’s was on my list of places to eat at least three times a week! And since I never got fat or felt any negative reaction from all the junk I ate, what did I care? Only when I got older and wiser did I start to see the damage I was doing. Only when I got wiser and love myself more did I realize that much of what I was doing was having a dangerous affect on the parts of me that could not be seen. The same wisdom came to me regarding my love addiction as well. I finally realized the truth! We love and allow hurtful people (and things) into our lives because the hope and need of being loved and having immediate gratification far outweighs the need for taking care of ourselves over the long haul. This idea must change if we are to change.

So…start to see the value and the power in that little apple. Choose substance over taste. Your life depends on it.

Perception

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I’ve been thinking a lot about perception lately, and so I decided to create this image to show how our vision can sometimes be skewed. We desperately want to believe in our fantasy of a perfect relationship, so much so that we are willing (willing!) to distort our view and overlook some pretty major flaws. And while this image is a little extreme and based on physical looks alone, the bigger picture is, as love addicts, we sometimes refuse to see serious, internal red flags like abuse, neglect, infidelity, manipulation, narcissism and worse. So…my advice for the day? Be honest with yourself. Keep your eyes wide open and don’t be afraid to see things as they are, not as you wish them to be. Remember, when you love yourself, you do everything in your power to protect yourself. And most of the time that means staying grounded in reality.

distortion

Living a tragic life?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Theatrical masks of Tragedy and Comedy. Mosaic...

Theatrical masks of Tragedy and Comedy. Mosaic, Roman artwork, 2nd century CE. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Up until about a couple years ago, shamefully late in life, I realized that life does not need to be tragic. Some lives can be lived without event, without drama, without a tragic twist to an otherwise peaceful, good life. There are people that are born, grow up, meet someone, marry, and die at 87 without the slightest bit of disaster. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying there are people who never experience pain, or loss, or suffering. We all experience that to different degrees. What I am talking about is the love addict’s natural inclination to believe that life, and love in particular, is “tragic.”

Our belief in tragedy (drama, omens, symbols) comes from the way we were raised, the movies we watched or the books we read. And since most love addicts are prone to fantasy, it’s no surprise that they begin to believe that tragedy is a natural part of life. When every dramatic movie has a tragic element, it’s hard not to start to think that real life must be the same. And yet, it’s not.

Being a literature major, didn’t help. After having read things like Wuthering Heights, Romeo and Juliet, Tropic of Cancer, The Sheltering Sky, Madame Bovary, The Red and The Black, how could I want anything less than that same amount of passion for my own life? There was a bitter sweetness to the utter bliss of having found someone, and the agony of knowing I would lose them. In fact, at certain points in my life, I was proud that my life was so tragic. I was, after all, an artist. And an artist must live a tragic life.

The trouble is, when I recovered and wanted to live my life without all that drama (and art!), and find a stable, healthy relationship, I maintained an enormous sense of mistrust for the universe. I could never be completely “happy” or comfortable in my relationship because lurking around the corner, was tragedy disguised as a “perfect life.” It was only a matter of time before tragedy would strike and my love would be struck down and taken from me or vice versa. Isn’t that the way the world works?

Again, a resounding No. Life can indeed be a tragedy. But, depending on your perspective, and circumstances, it can also be a story with no point. It can be simple. It can be complex, but manageable. It can be average–not like Hollywood at all. How do I know? I see it now that I look for it. My mother lived a very chaotic life when she was with my father, but in 1986, she met and eventually married the man she is with now. If I look at their life together it is a simple, happy one. Although she has overcome some huge hurtles (lost her brother, survived cancer) for the most part, her relationship with her husband has been steady, stable, loving, and strong. No extreme ups and downs. No craziness. No tragedy…for almost 30 years. That’s a long time to live a peaceful life with someone. And what I need to start to believe in.

So, the next time you’re sitting alone in your room, crying over the tragedy and drama of your life, remember, that’s Hollywood. That’s literature. It is the fiction that YOU are creating for yourself as part of your need to fill the void, to distract, to numb. To experience something bigger than you are. Life doesn’t have to be that way.

The Lovely Addict on Huffington Post LIVE

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Hey Folks,

I will be on HuffPost LIVE  this Friday, October 19, at 6 pm PST with Pernille, the director of Love Addict, to talk about, what else, love addiction. I am a little NERVOUS. Thousands will be watching. My goal is to try to steer the producer of the segment to talk about the SOLUTION rather than to sensationalize the actual addiction.

Oooh, juicy love addiction.  Stalking, crimes of passion, crazy obsessed women chasing after some hapless chap.

Please.

One of the biggest impediments to getting healthier is this kind of mentality. American culture places down and dirty behavior on a pedestal, if only for the sake of perverse enjoyment, of being entertained by it. Think  Hoarders, Intervention, Snapped, Cold Case Files. Think any American movie. Think the nightly news. Think, dare I say it, The Huffington Post.

Confessional blogs, in fact, tend to get far more readership than recovery blogs.  And it’s much more mainstream to talk about disease, as opposed to treatment.

It’s no wonder the American propensity for labeling people with disease and disorder is so pervasive. And why we can take “slightly abnormal,” put a label on it, and have it suddenly be something that needs treatment, a drug, therapy.

The percentage of men and women love addicts who participate in more extreme behaviors like physical stalking, crimes of passion, attempted suicide is very low. What’s far more pervasive is the woman who remains in an abusive relationship because she can’t bear to leave. She’s addicted to the repeat pattern of drama, pain, suffering, and the highs and lows of love.  Or the woman who doesn’t recognizing neglect, verbal abuse or physical abuse as a reason to leave. Or the woman who thinks (foolishly) that love is a reason to stay, no matter what kind of unhealthy behavior is occurring. Or, the woman who becomes obsessed with fantasy in her own mind over the love she believes she feels for someone who doesn’t pay her any attention, or who just keeps her hanging on for sex, or doesn’t actually exist.

That obsession, of course, can bring a person to do irrational, inappropriate things, based on their personal value system. But more than committing actual crimes, most addicts tend to simply expend all their valuable time and resources focusing on their obsession to the point of not living their lives to the fullest. They check a person’s Facebook page repeatedly, call or text too much to check up on their “person of addiction,” scream, cry, throw a tantrum, feign pregnancy, date married or unavailable people, sink deeper into depression, dive deeper into fantasy, have an affair, try to fix a broken partner, threaten to leave, and so on.

Hopefully, you get my point. We’re not all Fatal Attraction woman chasing after our object of desire with a butcher’s knife.

I do implore any new readers of The Lovely Addict to read as many pages on my blog as you can. It’s not timely. Go back through older posts. Most entries are advice on how to become healthier. The most popular posts can be found on the right side bar under “Top Rated.” Start there. If you have any questions, feel free to post a comment or email me at thelovelyaddict@gmail.com

Go ahead, go back…

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Go ahead. Go back to your PoA (person of addiction)! You know you want to. ANd if you want to and feel as though you should, surely that means it was meant to be, right? Why not! Every emotion you have, even a burp or a fart has huge significance. Right? A sign from God. So follow it and go back to him.

And when you go back….enjoy! And be happy! Be happy that he’s IGNORING you. You don’t deserve to be paid attention to anyway. In fact, everyone including friends and loved one SHOULD ignore you. Because what you have to say is not very important. Other people (who ramble on about nothing and do nothing with their lives) are so much more important than you.

And when you go back….feel the amazing feeling of the CONFUSION. It’s fun and exciting to never know what to expect from one day to the next. She’s running hot and cold! One day she loves you, the next she doesn’t? Perfect. Instability is probably just what you’re heart desires.

And when you go back…feel the intense love that, let’s face it, you are most likely creating on your own, because, let’s face it, half the time he’s off with another woman. Oh the LIES, of the BETRAYAL! WHen I was a child. I always dreamed of having a loving relationship filled with these things. I also wanted a guy I had to fight for. Nothing comes easy! Love is meant to be painful and filled with suffering.

And when you go back….celebrate the good times! Because they are few and far between and erratic as heck. And well…they don’t exist anymore. Because she’s gone. But who cares! She comes around every so often, and isn’t that a sign from the Gods that she’s still hanging on and wants to come back? Because people who love you want to spend as little time as possible with you. Ah…the memories! They will keep you warm at night.

And when you go back….rejoice in the REJECTION and the SCRAPS that he’s feeding you. Why take anything else? You are not ready for anything better. Rejection and scraps are right up your alley and you are worth it! There’s no way you could handle a decent, warm meal. Not you! You’re too rugged for that. You prefer to eat your meals out of the garbage can.

SO yes! Next time you wonder if NC is just getting in the way of this great relationship of yours, if NC is not worth it, if NC is just a waste of your time…then I DO suggest going back. And maybe then, you’ll remember why you left in the first place.

What’s your Vibe?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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This week I wanted to talk about your VIBE. We all have one. What’s yours?

When I was younger, my mother used to tell me that the reason I never attracted a great boyfriend (today we would use the word “healthy”) was because I was giving off the DESPERATE VIBE. When a guy would approach me, I got very serious and wanting and well, desperate. And as hard as it was to hear that, and ugly a connotation as it was, it was true!

Trouble was, I never knew how to change my vibe. No matter how hard I tried, I always gave off the “desperate” vibe. That vibe, sadly, always attracted other desperate people. Or worse, it attracted weirdos.

So then, I would try to fake my VIBE. Guess who I attracted? Fake people!

Finally, much later in life, I gave up trying to attract anyone and I simply enjoyed my life without a guy. Guess what kind of vibe I gave off? A HAPPY CONTENT VIBE. And guess what kind of guy I ultimately ended up attracting? A happy, HEALTHY, content one.

The moral of this story is to not go out and try to attract a mate per se. It is to be aware of the VIBE you might be giving off. Others can read you and know what you’re all about within the first five minutes. And so, what are giving off? What atmosphere, what energy, what vibration are you exuding? Is it something that others will want to be around or avoid? Do you give off

a PARTY VIBE,
a GET AWAY FROM ME VIBE,
a DESPERATE VIBE,
a NEEDY VIBE,
a NEGATIVE VIBE

Or a HAPPY, HEALTHY PEACEFUL VIBE???

And if you don’t like the vibe you’re giving off, how can you CHANGE it? Well, for starters, you need to understand that you are not your vibe. I know this because, on a good day, when I would focus on something that interested me and got really into it, there would a small window of time where I was giving off a happy vibe, and others took notice. Thing was, I couldn’t sustain it. I would quickly sink back down into depression and desperation because I would lose focus on this task (that created in me focus and contentment) and I would revert back to my previous task of seeking out a boyfriend and being rather disappointed in life that I didn’t have one.

When that happened, the desperate vibe would return and I would be miserable again.

So, from my own experience, the only time I was capable of permanently changing my vibe was when I gave up hoping and dreaming for that very thing I wanted so much. And instead, I focused on what I had and said, “let me be happy with this!” At the time it wasn’t much. But I made the best of it. And when that happened, my whole disposition change. My energy changed. And I began to attract happier, healthier people.

This concept comes from The Law of Attraction. Read about it. There are several books on that topic.

Until then, what’s YOUR vibe? What would you like your vibe to be, and how do you plan on changing it?

What if you placed value on something other than “love”…

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Romance Stories of True Love No 50 Harvey, 1958 SA

Romance Stories of True Love No 50 Harvey, 1958 SA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What if you were stranded on a deserted island with only your family or your friends (people you loved, but could not date) and there was NO ONE else in sight, nor would there ever be. And for the remainder of your life, you had to live this way.

Keep in mind that the island would be tropical and filled with beautiful plant life and abundance. There might be tons of books left on the island for reading, and there were an abundance of activities. Life could be FULL with the one exception that you could not find a romantic partner.

To a love addict, at the height of his or her addiction, this might seem like certain doom. But in recovery, how do we deal with this idea? If you think about it, it’s a “sink or swim” situation and when you face it, and really imagine it, you find out what kind of person you are and what kind of recovery you will continue to have.

When I did this little exercise I had just been dumped (ouch!) I was 40 years old and I TRULY believed there was no one else out there in the world for me. I believed that S was the last. Faced with such a seemingly depressing future, I had CHOICES as to how I would react to that situation.

I could have easily sunk into a permanent depression. I could have run out to the nearest bar and tried to pick up any guy I could find that might want to have sex with me, and lived like that. I could have given up and become a hermit. OR I could have started to look at the world in a different way and started to believe that I was put on this earth for more than just romance. Maybe, just maybe, there areother things in this worldthat i could be focusing on and enjoying.

I chose the latter.

I started to see the world in a different way. Before, I always believed it was supposed to give me stuff and introduce me to love. But when I changed my perspective I started to believe that maybe it was my time to start to give back to the world. To enjoy my children. To be grateful for what I did have, NOT cry over what I didn’t have.

This change in perspective came not when I imagined being stranded on an island. I already felt like that! It came after seeing a documentary on a man with no arms and no legs. He was born that way and he was in his 30′s and his expectations of the world were very different than mine. He could not expect to casually meet women and fall in love like I could. He could not expect that one day he would get married and have children and live a NORMAL life. He couldn’t expect to play football or attract women like other men could.

But wait, he COULD expect these things from life (and if he did he would be MISERABLE because chances are, he would not meet those expectations, nor would anyone meet those expectations for him). But he DIDN’T expect those things. He didn’t consider any of those things to be a viable part of life. He chose to see his life as valuable and full WITHOUT those things.

How was that possible, I thought? How can anyone be happy or feel fulfilled without romantic love?! But then I realized that that was my addict brain thinking. Needing my drug of choice. How can an addict live without his or her drug?

But it IS possible. Millions of people live without romantic love and are perfectly content. They have found VALUE in their lives despite what they lack or do not have access to.

And so, I am asking you to think about your own life. I am asking you to think about who you are and what your value is without a significant other.If you could never date again, what would make you happy? Who would you be? WHat would be your joy in life.

Answer these questions and you can heal. Answer these questions and live your life as if they were true, and a miracle will occur.

Know thyself

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Instability

Instability (Photo credit: cliff1066™)

One of the biggest characteristics of Love Addicts (or any addict for that matter) is that we do not know who we are. Sure, we may know what we look like, what foods we like, what TV shows we like, where we live, etc. But I am talking about knowing oneself on a much deeper, well-rounded level. One of the reasons we don’t know ourselves so well is because we have been avoiding ourselves. We use our addiction as a way to escape the inevitability of growing up and knowing ourselves deeply.

Another reason is that we simply see ourselves wrongly. We “imagine” being one way when in reality we are something else. This is a very normal state if you’re a teenager. When you’re a teen, you’re supposed to be dreaming up the person you want to be. But the inevitable next step is to try to become the person you want to be. This is where I think many people get stuck.

Here’s a story.

When I was a kid, it was evident that I loved to write. So, my mother told me, “you are a writer.” I also saw that my father was an artist and a music, as was my mother and many other family members. So, when I grew up, I took on their definition of me. I loved being an artist, I loved the artist’s life and most of the men I went after had some unique, artistic twist to their personality. Thing is, I was ALWAYS frustrated within the lifestyle. Artists tend to be impulsive, unstable people. Many are immature and narcissistic, putting their art and music first. Some are addicts. The older I got the less I liked the idea of dating an artist. But I was one, wasn’t I? ANd this was the pool that I needed to draw from, wasn’t it? But the answer to those questions was no. More than an artist, I was a woman who loved family, stability and a place where I could go where there were no drugs or avoidance of growing up. I had two small children and I wanted to be around responsible, financially stable people! As boring as that sounded to me, THAT’S WHO I WAS. I was, after all, not like my parents. And while I still had within me the artist’s soul, that did not mean I had to live and breath in that world.

I also used to think of myself has highly unstable, until one day, a close friend of mine said, “you’re one of the most stable people I know!” And she listed my qualities. I tend to like to stay home at nights, I am always on time, I never miss events that I have promised to attend, etc. Here, I thought I was incapable of all those things, but I was not.

These realizations came to me late in life. And so, I’ve tried to put together a list of traits that you can use to ask yourself if you know these areas of yourself. The more you know about YOU the clearer you know what you want (and who you want) closest to you!

  • Level of tolerance: What is your level of tolerance for certain things like drugs, drinking, immaturity, avoidance of responsibility, mistake making. Take a look at the people around you. Is it very difficult of easy to put up with certain characteristics?
  • Are you serious or not so serious? I found that I was a very serious person on the inside, and that I felt most comfortable when I was with people who “lightened” me up and were playful.
  • What class are you? It would be nice if you could turn a blind eye to class. In a perfect world this may be possible, but not now. How did you grow up? Rich? Poor? Middle class? Blue collar? White collar? Silver spoon? Sometimes (like the fantasy story of the Prince and the Pauper) we date outside our class. But this may cause problems and uncomfortable situations. I dated a guy who came from a much more privileged home than I and I felt hugely uncomfortable and insecure. I also dated a man who had no class and was very poor. As much as I loved him, I found myself unable to tolerate some of his habits. I overlooked it for so long because I didn’t want to be superficial. But now I see it differently. We tend to be most comfortable within our own class. That’s NOT to say you can’t have a healthy relationship outside your own class. But it is something to consider. What is your level of tolerance for class-related issues?
  • Do you like stability or instability? I always thought I preferred a more unstable life. But when I looked at how stable I designed my own world, I realized that safety, security, reliability and simplicity were the stronger qualities in myself. This is not surprising. My life as a child was very chaotic. We moved 14 times in 20 years. SO, although I was attracted to people who were living wild, dramatic, chaotic lives (because they reminded me of my childhood), I didn’t like that lifestyle one bit!
  • Are you a control freak or can you go with the flow? So often I would date men that were non-commital. They’d make plans vaguely. Maybe we would get together on this date. And when they wouldn’t call or show up, I was insanely upset. Everyone told me to lighten up. “Go with the flow” they said. But I soon learned, that wasn’t me. I needed to find someone who was as much a planner as I was. Someone who valued reliability and a more controlled atmosphere (but not so controlling that we couldn’t be spontaneous every once in a while). Know what makes you feel more comfortable and stick with like-minded people.
  • Level of education. Obviously you know your level of education. But how important is it that you surround yourself with people who share your same level of education?
  • Religious views/beliefs. People are usually passionate about their religious views, whether they passionately belief in one religion or passionately believe they want nothing to do with any religion. Some people don’t care. Where do you fall on the scale and how important to you is it that others share your same beliefs?
  • What is your financial health. Can you take care of yourself? Are you looking for someone to take care of you? Or do you like to be independent? When I was younger, I was very dependent upon my husband to take care of me. Because I was so dependent, I had to put up with things I didn’t particularly like. And let’s face, when you’re dependent, you’re trapped. After I went back to school and began working, I realized I despised being dependent upon another person for my security, and so I eventually came to know that being financially stable and earning my own money was mandatory to my personality.
  • Are you a caretaker because you like taking care of people or do you secretly want to control other, or be taken care of yourself. Are you a Mother Theresa or a full-fledged co-dependent?
  • What is your comfort level when it concerns intimacy? How close do you like to be to people? How much space or “alone time” do you need? We can be very attracted to certain people because we inherently know they will give us lots of emotional space (because we cannot handle too much). But the drawback is that sometimes they give us too much space. Know your level of intimacy and what you are most comfortable with.
  • Get to know other smaller but significant things about yourself:  are you a morning person, a night person, are you generally positive or negative, do you like healthy food, or junk food, where do you see yourself in 5, 10 years, what are 10 things you can’t live without, with whom are happiest (not including the PoA and sentences that resemble “I would be happiest with _____ IF ONLY HE/SHE WOULD (fill in the blanks)” )

All talk and no action?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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For many, many years (too many to count), I was the smartest failure at relationships around. I had picked up some of the best advice on how to date and learned many lessons on how to have a successful relationship. I also knew extremely well the concept of loving myself, that I had to love myself in order for others to love me, and that I was one-of-a-kind. I knew I had to behave a certain way and that if I wanted anything in life I had to go out and get it. I also knew all too well that when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, I would change.

But change never occurred. The same problem kept repeating itself over and over and over again. I would “say” that I was worth a lot and deserved better, but then I would date men that treated me poorly. And so, I was stagnant, stuck in one bad relationship after another. And when I picked up that gazillionth self-help book that told me everything I already knew, I felt defeated. I constantly asked myself, how could I know all this stuff, but still be living an unfulfilled life?

And then it hit me…

Sure, all these lessons were sinking in. And sure, I was learning them. But I wasn’t put them into action. I was still remaining in my head, hoping that my outside environment would change so that I wouldn’t have to. I was waiting for the “right” guy to show up on my doorstep. I was waiting for the current guy to change his behavior and be my dream guy. I was waiting for the perfect job to appear out of no where and beg me to work it. But the truth is, the only time in my life that real change ever occurred was when I took action. When I actually got up and made some physical or mental change that could be measured in comparison to my previous actions.

  • A job never “appeared” until I actually went back to school and got my degree (I took action to gain valuable experience and once I was surrounded by people in my field of choice via an internship, I was able to more easily make connections and get job offers).
  • My current guy never “changed” so I made the decision to leave him and I took action to do so. It was painful, but I was willing to take the risk because I believed I was worth more than he was willing to pay.
  • My dream guy never “showed up on my doorstep” (well, he kinda did, but I took action long before that happened, to change ME so that my dream guy would actually be interested in me and recognize me as someone mutually healthy). I began to support myself financially, I finished my degree and went on to grad school, I dressed better, I improved my overall appearance, I learned the meaning of being grateful everyday for what I have, not what I “could” or “should” have. And I was happy being me.

OK, so it’s time to ask yourself if you are taking real action towards your goals or if you are “all talk” and no action. Are you waiting for Prince Charming to show up on your doorstep? Or are you focusing on becoming a better more fulfilled person on your own, so that IF Prince Charming (I kinda hate that term but it’s the best I got for now) comes along he will recognize you as someone healthy? Are you waiting for your current guy to stop neglecting you, stop cheating on you, and get real? Or are you being realistic in understanding that if he hasn’t changed by now, he most likely never will? And are you taking action to move away from the relationship?

If you are taking actions, what are they? And most important, are you repeating these healthy actions or are you doing them once and giving up?

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