Plan out your “No Contact”

Posted on February 26, 2011 by l0velyjune

I believe that a very important part of getting over a relationship is in what you do AFTER it’s over. Many, myself included, have gone through (or are going through) severe withdrawal. But whether you’re the one who did the breaking up or it was imposed upon you, it’s essential that you don’t try to run back and make contact again. You’re only hurting yourself and sabotaging your dignity. So, it’s time, instead, to cleanse your system of the toxicity and prepare for a new life. But how?

Many of us institute what’s called “NC” or “No Contact,” and it’s exactly what it says: NO CONTACT with your person of addiction. In harsher terms NC simply means quitting your drug of choice and going through the unpleasant consequences of withdrawal.

This is extremely hard to do. The pain of going through withdrawal is often so severe that we sometimes run back to the PoA just to avoid this new pain. The pain of the relationship almost seems bearable compared to that of withdrawal.

But trust me, it’s only temporary!

And to take the edge off, you should PLAN before you leap out of the relationship, or soon after the relationship has ended.

Think about good ‘ol Chris Columbus. Do you think he just hopped on the Santa Maria to set sail for the new world with just his hat and compass? Heck no. He never would have made it. He knew his voyage was to last many months so he PREPARED, had a crew and loads of food to back him up.
Heading into NC is much the same. You need to plan. The better you are at taking care of yourself during this time, the more you have to fall back on, the less chance your attempt at NC will fail. Here are a few tips:

1. Exercise! I know, I know. You’re in pain and can’t get out of bed. But exercise is a proven mood enhancer. You need to force yourself to stay busy, and cardio is by far, at the top of the list for survival tactics. Find a gym, or get into a weekly exercise routine. Not only will you feel better and be distracted, but after withdrawal…you’ll be much healthier and maybe even have a killer body.

2. Have a hobby available to keep you busy, or two or three. A lot of addictive people claim that “working with your hands” is the best as it forces you to keep your mind on the task at hand.

3. Get ready to eat your favorite stuff. Addiction is Oral. Even love addiction. Stock up on “feel good” foods at least until you get through the initial withdrawal phase (if you are concerned about weight, make healthier choices, chew gum, sugarless lollipops etc.!) But right now is not the time to worry about putting on a *few* (and I mean few!) extra pounds. Your NC takes priority. You can lose the weight when you are feeling better.

4. Have friends and family ready to talk and listen. Make sure they know what you’re attempting so that you have extra support. If family members aren’t supportive, seek out friends or support groups; people who will understand what you might be going through.

5. Make plans, goals and activities that would NOT have included PoA (go to the movies by yourself, attend a concert, visit the bookstore, sit at a cafe and people-watch etc.)

6. If you can, go out and shop. Buy yourself something NICE. Remember to pamper yourself through withdrawal. The nicer you are to yourself and the more resources you have to get through withdrawal, the more SUCCESSFUL YOU WILL BE!

7. Go get a massage, a manicure, a pedicure…WHATEVER. My all time favorite: changing the color of my hair. Nothing too drastic. But enough to make me feel revived. A box of hair color at the grocery store is not expensive if you’re on a budget.

8. Get involved in a TV or HBO series, or a sitcom. Comedy is your best choice. It serves to distract AND lighten your mood.

9. MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT TURN YOUR NC INTO A BAD THING. You have a choice: you can think positively about what you are doing for yourself, or negatively. THINK POSITIVE. It’s a happy time. Not a sad time. You are NOT…I REPEAT NOT losing anything worthwhile. YOU ARE GAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAINING YOUR LIFE BACK.

10. Remember the Ten Minute Rule. It’s a SAFETY NET for those moments of intense craving. For example, whenever you feel the intense URGE to call or make contact, say to yourself, “first let me post this message on the LAA board” or “let me take a brisk walk for Ten Minutes.” Meditate, breathe, whatever you can do…do it for ten minutes. Cravings tend to pass within minutes and you will be OK again.

11. Post here or on the recovery boards often. The LAA Recovery Boards are a support group. Someone WILL respond to you. Perhaps you could make that your safety net when you have a crave. Post first and say,I will wait until someone responds to my post before entertaining the idea of contact. By then, the craving will most likely have passed.

12. Practice the art of positive Self Talk. You MUST reaffirm, daily, your reasons and motivations for wanting to keep NC. The more you “brainwash” yourself into believing and understanding that NC is the ONLY WAY to go, you will be convinced. Tell yourself things like, “hang in there,” “I can do this,” “Keeping NC and staying away is an ACT OF SELF LOVE,” and “I am Worth it…”

13. Keep a journal. It’s one of the healthiest ways to cleanse your soul. To get to know who you are. To see, on paper, what you are feeling. Besides, it busts a crave! In your journal, keep a LIST of things you can do to keep busy. Fall back on this list if you find yourself fantasizing about your PoA, or bored or feeling “empty.” Make it a long list. You’re going to need the choices!

14. SOme other distractions you can keep in your arsenal if craves/withdrawal gets bad:

Take a shower (you can’t use the phone from the there),
take a nap,
clean the house,
drive,
leave your cell phone at home,
go swimming,
take a bath,
call a FRIEND,
make an appointment somewhere (salon, doc office, dentist, etc.),
do crossword puzzles,
play solitaire,
go to the gym,
ride your bike,
bake a cake,
paint something,
write a novel,
find a new job
research your ancestors
sing
learn an instrument
take a class
get your degree
if you already have a degree, get a second one
invent something
learn how to budget your money
watch all Suze Orman’s videos
volunteer at a zoo or animal shelter
join a political campaign

Bottom line: STAY BUSY and KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE. You are doing a good thing for yourself. Getting through withdrawal is hard, but it’s a matter of determination and self conditioning. We’ve been through much worse pain than this. We can definitely handle a few months of withdrawal. IT DOES GET BETTER. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. But you must see NC as a priority; something worth your time and effort.

Fixing something that isn’t broken

Posted on February 19, 2011 by l0velyjune

You and your PoA share a perfectly functional dysfunctional relationship. And the longer you stay, and try to fix or change the dysfunction and make it not dysfunctional, it becomes even more dysfunctional. That’s because you’re not fixing anything. And you’re not fixing anything because nothing is broken. The relationship is a bad dysfunctional one, true. But that’s its job and it can’t be fixed. It is serving its purpose:

It’s keeping you from facing your fears of being alone
It’s keeping you from facing yourself and fixing your own problems
It’s keeping you from real intimacy, because you’re not emotionally grown up enough to handle real intimacy (if you were, you wouldn’t be the relationship you’re currently in)
It’s keeping him in a distant, dysfunctional relationship, possibly with no strings attached, because he’s not capable of real intimacy either
And it’s keeping you both dependent on drama, obsession, avoidance and pain, because you both thrive on those things.

How am I able to say that your relationship works perfectly, especially when you are in so much pain and suffering throughout it? Well, let’s think about it realistically: when something doesn’t work, when something’s broken (a kitchen plate, or a glass, for example), what do you do with it? Do you keep eating off half a plate? Do you drink out of a broken glass, with a jagged edge? I’m guessing you don’t. I’m guessing you throw it away, in the trash, where it belongs.

What about something like a car, which has more value and can be repaired. What if you bought a used car and it kept breaking down, month, after month, after month, after month. And you kept repairing it. And the more money you put in the thing to fix it, it just kept breaking down on you. What would you do? I know what I’d do. I’d tell the bum who sold it to me that he sold me a lemon and I’d ask for my money back. I may even take legal action. Eventually, I’d get rid of it because it wasn’t serving its purpose. Somedays it would work, others it wouldn’t. But I couldn’t take my chances! I would have to get to work. I would have to be able to depend on a car, so for me to make any long-term investment in a really crappy car that kept breaking down on me and costing me a fortune with little payback would be completely idiotic of me, not to mention irresponsible.

So, when something doesn’t work for us, we get rid of it. But when something works, we keep it around.

Ask yourself if you’re holding on to a broken dinner plate? A cracked glass? A lemon? Or if your PoA is fulfilling a purpose you never realized he had and that’s why he’s still around.

He’s not the one if…

Posted on January 29, 2011 by l0velyjune

Back when I was still with my PoA, I found myself constantly questioning whether or not I was doing the right thing by staying with him when so much of the relationship felt so wrong. I mean after all, he was “the one.” I’d been with him for three years and I’d loved him like I never loved anyone before and he said he loved me too! I honestly believed I had to overlook a few of his bad qualities because, well, that’s what you do when you are with your soulmate, isn’t it? You overlook the bad and try to stay focused on the good.

Thing is, the longer I stayed, the more I realized his bad qualities, while acceptable to others, was not acceptable to me. I couldn’t make peace with about four of his qualities. Just four! And yet, those four were hurting me. That’s when I became aware that my idea of “the one” was a little flimsy.You can love someone deeply, you can even have a lot of things in common too, but if certain criteria are not met (umm, he says he loves you but he’s not physically or emotionally available) then you may have to reevaluate your definition of “the one.” That being said…..here are a few obvious signs that he might not be the one.

He’s not the one if…

1. He left you.
Plain and simple. Your soul mate doesn’t leave you, even if he insists he’s never loved anyone more than you. Whatever the excuse, it’s just that. He’s not the one. When someone wants to be with you, when someone is right for you, they don’t leave you. They want to be with you, despite their circumstances.

2. You left him.
We tend to leave people out of frustration because we cannot change their behavior, or as a threat to change. We leave people simply because we know or feel that something is wrong. And that’s a good thing. But love addicts tend to GO BACK. They tell themselves, “I have to go back, because he’s the one.” But this is so far from the truth. This is part of your addiction not wanting to be alone. It’s your addiction telling you that the pain of staying is better than the pain of being alone. But, remind yourself this: when a relationship is right and good, it doesn’t inspire you to keep running away. You are running away for a reason: this guy is WRONG.

3. He’s with another woman (he’s dating or married).
I have met so many women who fall in love with a married man (or a man dating another woman) and come to believe that the two are soul mates; that “he married the other woman because he hadn’t yet met me.” If that were the case, and occasionally it is, then you need to stay away from that man and his wife until his relationship is resolved and until he is free to date you. Soul mates are not married to other people. That’s Hollywood. That’s fantasy. And that’s wishful thinking. It’s trying to justify your behavior when truthfully, there is no justification for it. The reality of life is that when you have a relationship with a married or partially available man, you are an unwelcome intruder, whether you were lured there by the man or you went willingly, you are doing SEVERE DAMAGE to all the people involved, including yourself. Not only do you need to create morals and values for yourself, but you need to see how distorted his morals and values are if he is taking action to be with you. So often we are so grateful that someone is paying us attention that we don’t care who or what it is. We’ll take the validation any way we can. Or perhaps we feel emotionally safer with a married man. There is less intimacy and emotional expectation after all from someone who cannot commit to YOU fully.

4. You’re with another man.
Oops! You finally met “the one,” but you’re married to someone else. But here’s the deal: “the one” is probably mostly attracted to you now because you’re married. To him, you’re safe, and he doesn’t have to fully commit to you like he would have to fully commit to someone who was otherwise free. Soul mates are not married to other people. That’s Hollywood. That’s fantasy. And that’s wishful thinking. It’s trying to justify your behavior when truthfully, there is no justification for it. The reality of life is that when you have a relationship outside your marriage, you are inviting an unwelcome intruder into your life—the one that presently anchors you to your hubby. An affair is selfish and childish, and you are doing SEVERE DAMAGE to all the people involved, including yourself. Not only do you need to create morals and values for yourself, but you need to see how distorted his morals and values are if he is taking action to be with you. If you truly believe someone outside your marriage is worth going after, then that someone better have the will and desire to wait for you while you are resolving or dissolving your current relationship. If he doesn’t, he’s not the one.

5. Someone is cheating on someone else.
When a loving relationship is right and good, no one is cheating, no one is lying. Cheating and lying are both ways in which people distance themselves from one another. Cheating does nothing to bring two people closer. Cheating is an immature act. It is based on the concept of immediate gratification (I want what I want and I want it now and I don’t care about the consequences). Adults can control themselves. Immature people can’t.

6. He neglects you, avoids you, doesn’t call, doesn’t write, text, etc.
Soul mates don’t neglect you, avoid you, or have a million excuses why they didn’t call. Not sure what that’s all about. But you deserve better than that. Normal, healthy men call you, they want to see you and spend time with you. Don’t think otherwise.

7. He verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically abuses you.
If he’s “the one,” he is not abusing you in any way shape or form, and likewise, you are not abusing him back. Physical fighting and making up doesn’t count either. If he hit you once, chances are he’ll hit you again. If you are in danger, get out. You are worth saving.

8. You’ve only met him online and haven’t even seen him yet.
It takes a long time to know and love someone. You may “click” with someone relatively quickly. You may be attracted to them right off the bat via a photo. But attraction nor clicking over the internet is a sign of deep love. Those things are superficial, and though they are a great start to a possible relationship, they are not a relationship. Talking for hours with someone you cannot see, hear, smell or touch is not healthy either. Good partners need to fully commit, in person, so as to enjoy the reality of their closeness. When we invest so much of ourselves so quickly, we are partaking in an act of instability. We are not being cautious or caring about the safety of our hearts. Take your time. Get to know someone. It takes months, if not years to fully know and love someone.

9. He lives too far away to have a normal, healthy relationship.
Long distance love affairs occur all the time. But in order for them to be healthy there must have been a foundation to the relationship to begin with. A couple who dates for a year, for example, and then one of them is stationed in Iraq has a chance of success because the relationship has a foundation. But someone you met over the weekend, who was in town partying with friends and plans to drive the five hours back north to live his life? Probably not going to work. And why would you want it to? You deserve someone closer, more available.

10. Either of you are heavy drinkers or drug users.
When someone is on drugs, or drinking, they are not the person they were born to be. They are not functioning like a healthy member of society. And they are in the process of numbing their emotions and their reality. To fall in love under the influence, or to fall in love with someone who is excessively under the influence would be like falling in love with a fraud. They are not real. You know nothing about them. And when they sober up? They may be unrecognizable.

11. He has a circumstance or situation which keeps him from connecting with you.
Soulmates may have skeletons in their closet, but they don’t have circumstance which keep them from enjoying who you are and what you have to offer. They are available. Maybe not 24/7. But a good enough amount of the time that you healthily need them to be. If he has a son that takes up all his time or a job that he’s addicted to, chances are he may not be emotionally available for you. People who love you, make time for you.

12. He only wants sex.
Sex is not love. If he’s the one, he will love you and want to make love to you all the time. But that should not be the ONLY thing he wants. You have far more to offer, and the right man will recognize that and love the whole package. And please! Don’t be fooled by the sensation of hot, passionate, deep, meaningful sex. Any two people with chemistry and attraction can have that. If that’s all you want, fine. But that alone is not the basis for a healthy relationship.

13. He never wants sex.
If he’s the one, he will love you and want to make love to you all the time. Or, almost all the time. Or as much as you healthily need so that you never feel starved for sex. Libidos are tricky things. Some of us have strong libidos, some of us don’t. The trick in knowing if he’s right, is that he wants it about as much as you.

14. He comes right out and says, “I’m not the one.”
(or a variant of that, as in, “you’re too good for me,” “We’re not supposed to be together,” etc.) Listen to him. He’s telling you something. Whether it’s a game or a manipulation or not. Take EVERYTHING he says at face value. Why? Because you don’t play games. Not playing games or falling prey to them will teach him quickly that whatever he says, he better mean, because you will only communicate on a fair playing field where things spoken are as they are meant to be. So don’t overlook his comment and think, “he doesn’t know what he wants,” or, “maybe he secretly wants this…” That will cause you to get embroiled into a certain manner of communicating that is dysfunctional. And let’s be honest, if he doesn’t know what he wants or if he can’t communicate his wants and needs maturely, then why the heck do you want to a have a relationship with him?

15. You have to chase after and stalk him.
If you have to chase after or stalk or watch someone, they’re not the one. This is harassment. It is trying to force a relationship with an unwilling or unavailable person. As one website explains: “Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantingly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have).” Stop stalking. You are better than that. Someone will love on your terms. But you must first put the energy and effort into loving yourself.

16. You’re the only one giving 100% in the relationship. Although good relationships are not always fifty-fifty, like we grew up believing, they’re not hundred-zero either. They’re not even twenty-eighty. But they do fluctuate more closely in a healthy range of give and take. Balance is the key.

17. Everyday seems to be fraught with suffering.
Love is not suffering, despite Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights, Doctor Zhivago or Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Novels and movies may romanticize the pain and suffering of love, but in reality, there’s nothing romantic about real suffering. Our lives are not little movies. We should never expect suffering for love to be normal or healthy. Suffering and pain are signals that there is something very wrong.

18. You just met him and this is your first, second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth date.
You cannot possible know if someone is “the one” right off the bat. Sorry. Cannot happen. You can certainly click with someone. But a deep, healthy, loving relationship is a lot more than a “click.” It develops over time. It’s a process. And to know if someone is “the one” or not takes many months, if not years.

19. After months of dating him, something doesn’t “feel” right.
Or after a few dates, if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t! Listen to your instincts. They are there for a reason. They help guide you. As bad as you want to be in a loving relationship, it’s more important to listen to your gut.

20. He comes with red flags.
Plain and simple: he’s not the one. Keep in mind though that a red flag is not “snores at night,” or “constantly blows his nose” or even “doesn’t dress in the latest fashion.” These are not red flags unless you are completely superficial. A red flag is “has a history of cheating,” “lies a lot or a little,” “never calls when he says he will,” “does drugs,” “still lives with mom,” and so on. There are also blaringly obvious red flags (he’s a meth addict, child molester, he’s in jail, etc.) and then, there’s your own personal red flags, things others may be able to deal with, but not you (he smokes pot occasionally, he’s 40 and never been married, he plays video games incessantly, he doesn’t make enough money). Despite the fact that person A may think all of those things are red flags, person B may not. Whatever the case, know your red flags, and if your guy’s got ‘em, he’s not the one!

You are entitled to something better than scraps

Posted on January 14, 2011 by l0velyjune

When I was a teenager, I let a very unattractive kid, with brown broken teeth kiss me because I thought I could do no better.
When I was in my twenties, I went to a community college, not because I couldn’t afford better, but because I believed I couldn’t academically do better.
When I went out in the world to get a job, I worked as a waitress because I didn’t believe I was smart enough to work anywhere else.
When I was a woman, I married a man I’d only known for six month. I married him on the side of a highway, no white dress, no wedding reception, no gifts because I didn’t believe I was worth a big, beautiful wedding or a man who would love me after six months.
And when I was divorced and newly dating, I fell in love with a diner cook who never showered or brushed his teeth, who smoked pot, wore dirty clothes and never wanted to have sex with me because I though he was the best I could find at my age.

When you believe you have value, when you believe you are worth not just a little but A LOT, you do not accept dirty, broken teeth, waiting tables in a beer and shots joint, or people who never shower or want to make love. You do not put up with neglect, disrespect, abuse, mind games, cruelty or anything else from someone who is dishing it out.

When you believe in yourself, you teach people how to treat you with respect. When you do not believe in yourself, you teach people that they can treat you anyway they want.

Curing love addiction is as simple as this: having a sense of entitlement. When you believe you are entitled to better treatment, you get it. Something in you changes and you no longer accept less. A perfect example of this is food. Even at my lowest, I would never eat food from a trash can because firstly, I can afford fresh food. Secondly, eating food from the trash doesn’t even make sense unless I were homeless, and might possibly die if I didn’t eat it. But lastly, and most importantly, I feel entitled to healthy, fresh, good tasting food that not only keeps me alive, but keeps me healthy and happy too.

So, if I can feel entitled about food, why not the people I allowed into my life? Why not feel entitled about work, education, income, friends, and so on?

Here’s one reason why: “entitlement” has had such a bad connotation to it. The rich have a sense of entitlement. Famous people have a sense of entitlement. Proud people have a sense of entitlement. We imagine individuals with their hands out, expecting more, more, more. And quite frankly, that is an ugly picture. Even in Christian and other western religions, it’s frowned upon. According to some religious teachings, we’re supposed to be humble and grateful for whatever we’re given. We’re supposed to be happy with scraps.

But I think that’s a detrimental belief, especially when it concerns close, intimate relationships. When we lack a sense of entitlement to who we should meet and fall in love with, when we have no clear sense of what we deserve, we accept darn near anything! We end up with scraps.

And let’s face it, scraps don’t taste good. And eating them is embarrassing. And being seen eating them is even more of an embarrassment. And so, you suddenly have this huge disconnect. At first you were grateful to have scraps. But then, when the scraps left a really bad taste in your mouth and left you feeling ashamed and worthless, you suddenly started to suffer and feel pain. You were torn between your belief in being humble, and this instinctual need in you to have better for yourself.

Love addiction is when we are at this point, we recognize we are eating scraps, it makes us sick to our stomaches, but we stay anyway.

Or, conversely, love addiction is when we do not realize we could be eating something better than scraps, (because we’ve eaten them all our lives) and so we keep eating them, thinking they’re great sustenance , but every time we take a bite, we want to vomit. We have no recognition that eating is not meant to be like this.

So, how do you create a sense of healthy entitlement? Well, you start by creating a set of values for yourself. Start to define what hurts you and what makes you happy. Make a list. And place boundaries around yourself. Let the good in; keep the bad out. The more you know yourself, the more you stick to your values, the more you begin to demand better for yourself. It’s a natural progression that comes from within and changes your whole life.

Someone on the forums recently posted this amazing quote: How empty of me, to be so full of you. So, my advice today is to fill yourself with a new sense of entitlement. Focus on your worth. Grab a copy of The Self-Esteem Workbook and start working!

Filling the “void”

Posted on January 7, 2011 by l0velyjune

There’s a hole in a donut. There’s a hole in a car tire. There’s NOT a hole in you.

I need to come out and say that right from the start, because I believe it’s one of the most important lessons any addict needs to learn in order to fully recover. It’s a Hollywood fallacy. It’s misinformation. Somewhere along the line, maybe in some self-help book, we were taught to believe that we have a void inside us, and that notion is, simply, wrong.

Part of my recovery, part of many traditional recovery plans, was learning how to “fill the void,” that aching, empty, bottomless pit inside your soul, the “hungry heart,” as Susan Peabody calls it, that feeling of needing SOMETHING that if you don’t find it or get it or stuff yourself with it, it keeps you from feeling whole and complete. So, being the insecure, unhealthy people we are, we tend to fill that void with garbage—we latch onto destructive people, get involved in inappropriate relationships, take drugs, have sex, smoke pot, spend money, overeat, drink. All the while believing that if we found the right stuff to fill ourselves with, that empty feeling would go away.

But it doesn’t.

And the truth is, anyone who has ever suffered, anyone who has ever lost a loved one, there is a real, physical feeling of emptiness. If I pay close attention when I am sad, I can actually FEEL a void in my heart. And yet, I ask you to believe that there isn’t one.

What if that empty feeling was not an actual empty space inside you that needed to be filled? What if there was no void? What if that empty feeling is just part of you?

What if you sat in a room with it and experienced it instead of trying to stuff something in it, hide it or cover it up with love, sex, drugs, or food? What if you just accepted it like a flaw, like a dimple or a slight indentation in your skin? Something you cannot get rid of; something you must make peace with and accept?

I suggested this idea to someone on the boards, and the response I got was, “Thanks. That would be nice. But there really is a void there. I know it, I feel it and it’s the driving force behind all my actions.” And yet, individuals who have lost limbs still believe and feel their limb exists. Individuals who believe in God have seen and felt him, even though he cannot physically be seen or felt.

My point? If you can imagine that God exists, you can imagine that a void doesn’t.

So this is what I did. I locked myself in my room for four days straight one week and I sat with it. For the first time ever, instead of curling up and rocking, trying to avoid the emptiness, I let it in. I told myself, “This is a part of me, so I will experience it, know it and accept it.” And I did. And every time it crept up on me, that feeling of being hungry for something, anything, (and there were lots of times, even after the four days in lockdown), I said, “This is a trick.” And it was. It was and is a psychological trick. And eventually, just like making peace with a missing limb, I started to be OK with the idea that, even if it felt like there was nothing there, there really was. I started to understand that nothing, after all, was missing. There was no void. I am whole. And once I got that, I stopped trying to fill myself with garbage. Suddenly, there was no point.

‎”There are only two types of people in the world: those who try to stuff their inner emptiness, and those very rare precious beings who try to see the inner emptiness. Those who try to stuff it remain empty, frustrated. They go on collecting garbage, their whole life is futile and fruitless. Only the other kind, the very precious people who try to look into their inner emptiness without any desire to stuff it, become meditators.” –Osho

Today’s obvious advice: sit with the empty feeling as long as you can. Experience it. You’re not going to like it at first. But you’ll adapt. You’ll acclimate yourself. Human beings are resilient. Love addicts are especially resilient.

Lessons About Love Addiction from a Quit Smoking Site or Why it’s so hard to leave a bad relationship…and what you can do about it

Posted on January 12, 2010 by l0velyjune

Someone wrote on the forums this morning that her PoA was just too hard to leave. She wrote that she was unhappy, that she knew she had to leave, but that her PoA was her “entire world.” Another girl wrote that she desperately needed to take a job in another State to work and pay her bills, but she simply couldn’t do it for fear that her PoA would cheat on her and ultimately leave her. And some guy wrote that breaking up with his girlfriend was probably for the best, but he just couldn’t emotionally “let go” because she was such a huge part of his life.

This is the crux of addiction and why it’s so hard to leave, even though we may want to. This is the reason we are in the situation we are in—trapped, a slave to love, unable to move one way or another, despite the necessity of it. When we make someone our “whole life” we do so at the expense of our own well-being. We become like barnacles with no identities of our own, sealed to the rock, refusing to budge lest a horrible fate befalls us. All addictions are like this. In our minds, maintaining the relationship or the addiction (no matter how bad it is) has more value than our own safety, our own happiness, our own dignity and our own worth. And when that happens, leaving becomes nearly impossible.

This is how I did it: Two years and three months ago I was smoking almost two packs of cigarettes a day. I had tried quitting before but it didn’t work. Smoking was my whole life. In fact, it was the only thing I seemed to have control over because, simultaneously, I was also addicted to G, with whom I could not leave, and who called all the shots and completely controlled me. I had turned over my power to him, my identity and my soul—all for love—and so smoking cigarettes seemed to be the only thing left that was all mine. It was my security, my safety. I used to believe that it was the only thing that “grounded” me.

But the trouble with me and smoking was that my lungs didn’t feel the same way. I was coughing constantly and feeling run down. I quit going to the gym, I quit exercising and eating right and all I ever wanted to do was smoke. I even stopped visiting my family because they wouldn’t allow me to smoke, even outside the house. I began to feel dirty, sick and just plain miserable. Heck, I couldn’t even walk up a flight of stairs anymore and this, coming from a girl who used to be a cyclist and took 5 hour bike rides a day!

The fact was, I was addicted. I was committing suicide. I was slowly injecting cyanide into my veins. I was inhaling tar and arsenic and 300 other fatal chemicals. And I wasn’t doing it once a day. I was doing it THIRTY TIMES A DAY. Sometimes more. And here was the clincher—I would not put sun block on myself or my kids because I read an article somewhere stating that there were harmful chemicals in sun block. How’s that for making sense?

Faced with my own hypocrisy and the fact that I really didn’t like what I was doing to my body, I set yet another quit date. My four prior attempts to quit had failed over the past three years, so I thought I’d give this website called “quintet.com” a try. It changed my life. I quit and I stayed quit. But without going into too much more detail about my smoking habit, I want to say that the lessons I learned from this website changed my addictive NATURE and allowed me to apply a new kind of thinking not only to the task of quitting cigarettes, but to quitting the faulty belief that I could make any one thing or one person my “entire world.”

That being said, here’s a collection of some of my favorite most inspiring posts from quintet.com that changed my life. I saved them in my “library” and still refer to them to this day. Thing is, I no longer use the word “smoking” or “cigarette” when I read them. I change the words to “PoA” or “Love Addiction” or my PoA’s actual name! Those words are more relevant to me and my more recent battle. So…when you read these, I would like you to try to do the same- take out the addiction of smoking and replace it with love addiction or your PoA’s name and see how powerful the message is when applied to your current situation.

1. Your body and mind are temples. Make sure whatever you let in does not dirty or defile their sacredness. –Tracy

2. Let go of the mistaken belief that you’ve lost something or lost part of yourself. Be proud that you are finally doing the right, good, healthy, logical, sensible thing! That you are showing your loved ones and children that you feel worthy and that they should too. That everyone has a right to be/do the best that they can. You only get one life. –PalNdrom

3. This heavy sense of loss or deprivation is an unnecessary burden. Let it go and feel your shoulders rise, your scowl erase, your back straighten, your steps lighten and your spirits lift. Once you do that, you’ll KNOW you can do or deal with anything else. –PalNdrom

4. Build your Beautiful Recovery one minute, hour or day at a time!!!- lighthousekeep

5. Sometimes the most difficult concept to grasp in this process of quitting [a PoA] is that success depends largely on what you don’t do. Western culture always emphasizes “action” in overcoming obstacles, but quitting [a PoA] is one arena where just “holding on” is the key to victory. It is a struggle made easier by knowing when to retreat: from temptation, from aggravating environments, from other people. It is a place where silence is often the wisest choice — especially when you’re feeling most indignant or self-righteous. It is a journey made easier by contemplation and introspection. The heroes of this war may not have muscular physiques, superior intellects, cunning or even courage. Some of the best warriors on this battlefield possess one simple gift: patience. So, wait. The craving will pass. Wait. Your ability to concentrate will return. Wait. Your physical symptoms will subside. Wait. Your blue mood will lift. Wait. There is the sweet air of freedom just down the road. To get there, just wait. –PawporriNH

6. I keep seeing folks asking WHEN will thus and such symptom of quitting be over. WHEN will I feel better? WHEN will I stop craving [the PoA]? WHEN will I stop relapsing and get healthy for good? When, when, when…..OK, OK…. I’ll let you in on the big secret…. (Gawd! I hope I don’t get drummed out of the Lodge for telling!) Get over here! You don’t expect me to say this out LOUD do you? Gimme your ear…. this has to be whispered… and don’t you DARE tell another soul!! Tuesday!!!!!!!!! It will ALL happen on Tuesday! There! Feel better? What? You wanna know WHICH Tuesday? (Sheesh do I have to tell you EVERYTHING???) It will happen the Tuesday AFTER you stop feeling sorry for yourself about [dumping the poA]! The minute that you really and truly believe that you have given yourself a GIFT by stopping [the obsessive thoughts about him or her], AND that you deserve that gift, your quitlife gets better. NO, the cravings don’t go away, but you suddenly can see them as a temporary thing, kind of like gas, that will pass… sometimes with a bit of a stink just to remind you that it really is a process of elimination of the toxic thoughts of an addict. You may experience a twinge of a craving for decades.. so what? It is a FEELING… you don’t have to ACT on it! (You don’t act on every feeling that you’d like to strangle that so-and-so who cut you off in traffic do you?) MUCH of how we experience our individual quit is a matter of our ATTITUDE! How are you approaching your new day? Yes, it is YOUR day! Are you looking at it in a hopeful, positive light? Or are you grumbling and bemoaning the fact that it is another day of fighting the punishment of quitting? If your day is one of a negative attitude, a day of grumbling and grousing about what is happening as if you are a victim of your life, you can stop the negativity and begin your day over.. go ahead… do it. You can as easily choose to see the light as the dark. You can choose to see the small discomforts as growing pains or death throes. You can whine and moan about your martyrdom, or celebrate your freedom. – LadyBelle

7. I used to believe that quitting [a PoA] was the hardest thing that I have ever tried to do. I used to believe that I was a hopeless addict that would die this way. I have tried to quit [the PoA] so many times that I have lost count and every single failed attempt only added validity to what I already knew…. that change was impossible. It wasn’t until I learned about addiction, that I realized something. It wasn’t necassarily quitting [a PoA] that was so hard to do. It was quitting believing in [a PoA] that was hard to do. See, I used to believe in the PoA. I used to believe that he/she kept me calm. The truth though, is that he was a stimulant. Everytime I got my hit, it raised my hearbeat by about 20 beats more a minute. It constricted my arteries and not only that, but the [drama and passion] from [the PoA] was basically poisoning me. Creating an even greater strain on my heart. How could I be calm, when I was putting this kind of strain on my body everyday? I used to believe that [the PoA] relieved my stress. Little did I know that addiction creates a lot of stress. The whole business of taking a hit off a PoA is relieving an anxiety that the previous hit created. After each visit or call I was in more pain than before. There was no relief of stress! I was left with a heightened anxiety, an antsy feeling that I didn’t like. My mind and body were being fooled into thinking that something was wrong, like I was in danger when in reality there was nothing wrong. My subconscious figured something out though. A PoA would relieve that anxiety. Not knowing that it was being tricked and also looking out for my best interest. It would say “Go see him and you’ll feel better.” So I would go, relieve that anxiety and start the whole vicious cycle over again. The only stress I was relieving, was the stress that the previous visit or interaction created. Not only that, but whenever I was under stress. It caused a physiological reaction. So now was I not only under stress, I had a compounded problem of being in drug withdrawal. So I would obsess or chase after him to “feel better” and think “Oh, having sex and cuddling with the PoA relieved some of my stress.” The reality is though, it did nothing but relieve drug withdrawal. A compounded anxiety, that should have never been there in the first place. Nothing changed after being with the PoA. What ever caused my initial stress was still there. The only difference was that I had temporarily pacified the monkey on my back. I used to believe that the PoA made me happy. Sadly, he/she caused most of my depression. Sure, I can say that [love] releases dopamine, BUT that is only part of the story. Being the amazing machine that it is. My brain needed to regulate how much dopamine was being released. It couldn’t regulate [the sensation of love] as it was beyond my control. So it had no other choice, but to turn down it’s own sensitivity to releasing dopamine. My own natural neurotransmitters were being hijacked, forcing me to rely a lot more on the high of my addiction just to “feel good” or more accurately, feel normal. The truth was, I was happy DESPITE the Poa and not because of him/her. I used to believe that [the PoA] offered me a world of socializing . This makes me laugh now, because how can [chasing after someone who didn't love me back] be social? Was it social when I had to put my life on hold to chase after the PoA? Was it social when I had to hide some of my behavior, because I was embarrassed about my actions? The only time that having a relationship with the PoA was even remotely social was when [I was with others who were also having serious relationship problems] and that was because misery loves company. Whenever I quit [the PoA] and saw other unhealthy people in relationship, I used to believe that they got to have a boyfriend and I didn’t. The truth is, They too, like me, HAVE to be in a relationship to “feel normal”. They HAVE to be with someone to keep the anxieties of being alone at bay. They HAVE to be someone to keep the compounded problem of drug withdrawal from happening 20, 30,40 time plus a day. They do not GET to have a relationship. Thankfully I no longer HAVE to do that. I no longer believe in unhealthy relationships or the PoA. I used to. I used to believe that he/she did something for me. I know better now. They only DO TO ME.

8. Probably a quitter’s biggest obstacle is fear and a lot of times that fear has a double edge sword. The fear of failure and the fear of success. We don’t want to fail, because we want to finally rid ourselves of this addiction, BUT at the same time, if we succeed, that means that we will never “get” to see or be with [the PoA] again. Don’t be afraid to give up the PoA. Don’t fear relapse. You can never relapse if you maintain NC and going back again is aways YOUR choice, not some demon addiction. Don’t be afraid to succeed either. Being successful doesn’t mean that you’ll never GET to love again. It means that you’ll never HAVE to love this certain person in order to feel alive. I read a quote in a book a while back that really stuck with me. It said ” Fear is only misguided faith.” Quit putting faith in the PoA and you might be surprised how much easier quitting him or her can be. Quitting the PoA is a temporary adjustment, but it just that….TEMPORARY. FREEDOM IS FOREVER!!! Be patient with yourself. This really is the greatest gift that you are giving yourself. Sometimes it just takes a little time to unwrap it. –Eric7704

9. One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between 2 “wolves” inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.” –Pegrob

10. Yesterday I saw a woman sitting on a bench… smoking. I was struck by the look of intensity on her face. She was lost in thought. Thinking hard…solving… resolving… strategizing… planning… concluding… analyzing…All of this WHILE she smoked. And I suspect that when she finished she most likely gave the cigarette credit for everything she figured out during that intense thinking session. In her mind it was the cigarette gave her the insight, the cleverness, the analytical power to resolve whatever issues were at hand… it helped her plan all the things she still had to do… focus… strategize on how to handle and prioritize chores and problems, and deadlines. She failed to realize that the cigarettes were only along for the ride… that she simply smoked WHILE SHE RESOLVED the issues on her own. And THAT is why quitting can be so excrutiatingly hard. Because we give credit to cigarettes for all kinds of stuff that they cannot, and do not do. And by thinking that giving up smoking also means giving up these imagined `benefits`. So work to correct your thinking on this issue and start giving yourself the credit. You will quickly find quitting a lot easier, a lot more desirable, a lot more reasonable. Smoking doesn`t give you a single thing of value… it never did… and it never will. So don`t let it fool you any longer.—Gummer

11. For the past 8 days since this quit, i’ve asked myself what makes THIS ATTEMPT different from the last? What makes me think that this time i will succeed? Afterall, I had quit back in Jan. ’06 for 4 months and went back to puffing away by May. What would make me destroy a perfectly good quit? Well, thank God I keep journals because the answer is obvious: 1.) i didn’t put any work into it 2.) i didn’t give it any attention 3.) i did not suffer. i was just as sick and tired of smoking then as i am now, but when i quit then i was so wrapped up in a million other things (namely dealing with the drama of an unhealthy relationship). i took my quit for granted. Never did my research. Didn’t inspire myself to change the core reasons for why i smoked. I simply got rid of the smokes and kept holding on to my smoker’s mentality. The “smoker” in me was still there. Latent. Ready to pop up when a stress occurred or a social excuse to smoke reared its ugly head. And it did. It was only a matter of time. Something as simple as a cocktail party for fundraiser of artists and writers. Oh YES! Artist and writers SMOKE. I do too! Puff…Ick. Anyway, the difference today is that i have suffered through this quit. And suffering is GOOD because you tend to value that which you have suffered to achieve and how far you’ve come after the suffering. And i have struggled for many hours in the day to re-program my brain to change the fabric of my being. To once and for all REFUSE to accept cigarettes in my life. I REFUSE to think like a smoker anymore. I REFUSE to think that smoking is an option. It is not. My brain thinks differently now. And lastly, i have not taken for granted one day of this quit or the good people at the Q who have been the biggest and most valuable resource for helping me to face up to my addiction and help me to beat it. I have not yet stopped learning how to quit better and longer. And i value every post as another light to higher understanding. I have also felt the pain of those here that didn’t make it. And i have used their stories as a warning AND as step ladder in my own recovery. I am thankful and humbled by this experience. And gracious to be given a second chance… Why does a quit fail? Because with any addiction if you get rid of the effect without getting rid of the underlying cause, you’re only solving the problem temporarily. DOn’t just get rid of the cigarettes. Learn what made you smoke them in the first place and get rid of that. Solve the deeper issue. Are you holding on because you’re lonely? Scared? Afraid of change? Figure it out. Quitting takes your whole body and soul, and the conviction to believe that you cannot live another day as you were, but as you must…If anyone has other ideas on why quits fail, please post! I’m not finished learning yet –Tracy

12. i am a nicotine addict. i started choosing not to feed that addiction any more on november 19th, 2001. since then, i’ve seen many people start making that same choice, and then, a day, or a week, or a month or two or three months later, relapse and start choosing to feed their addiction again. and it makes me wonder: why am i still quit when people that quit before me, or around the same time as i did, or after me, started choosing to feed their addiction again? i think it’s because i’ve finally recognized that i’m an addict. after smoking for over thirty years and quitting so many times i can’t even begin to count them, it finally registered: i am a nicotine addict. and as such, i am subject to the immutable laws of addiction, the first of which is: “administration of a substance to a person addicted to that substance, no matter how long it’s been since that person stopped using that substance, will result in re-establishment of that person’s dependence on that substance”. this is why alcoholics who want to remain sober can never take that first drink. in a recent study, it was determined that 95% of ex-smokers who smoke just one cigarette experience total relapse to their previous level of consumption (and, in many cases, to a higher level of consumption than before they quit). my brother bob was an alcoholic (i say “was” because he died – of colon cancer – on december 4th, 1997). bob recognized that he was addicted to alcohol and that he was subject to the laws of addiction, and so, for the last ten years of his life, he chose, every day, not to feed that addiction. when someone would offer him a drink, he’d say, “i can’t; i’m a drunk”. bob was also a nicotine addict. we started smoking around the same time, and he finally quit for the last time about seven years before he died. once again, it was his daily recognition of his addiction, his daily realization that he was subject to the laws of addiction, and his daily choice not to feed that addiction that kept him nicotine-free for the rest of his life. the last time i remember seeing bob angry at me was some time during his last months; i had just come back in from smoking a cigarette and he was lying there in the hospital bed he’d never get out of. he said, “get off those god damn cigarettes before you end up here!” i told him i would. and i finally have. by following his example. this morning, as soon as i got out of bed, i looked at my reflection in the mirror and said, “i am a nicotine addict. i cannot afford to feed that addiction. not even one time. so, today, i choose not to smoke”. i’ve said these words to my reflection every morning for the last 203 mornings. and as soon as i had started the first pot of coffee brewing, i came to this desk, opened my quit journal, and wrote: “6/9/02 Day 203 I am a nicotine addict. I cannot afford to feed that addiction. Not even one time. – so – Today, I choose LIFE! Today, I choose HEALTH! Today, I choose STRENGTH! Today, I choose SELF-CONTROL! Today, I choose FREEDOM! Today, I choose NOT to smoke! just like i have every morning for the last 203 mornings. – kevindontsmoke

13. thomas jefferson said, “the price of freedom is eternal vigilance”; this is my way of practicing eternal vigilance. i highly recommend that you find a way to do the same that works for you. because addiction is eternal; once you’ve allowed yourself to become addicted to something, you will always be an addict, and the only choice is whether or not you’re going to continue to feed that addiction. last night i had two separate dreams in which i smoked; this is about the fourth time this has happened since i quit. a few days ago, i found myself reaching for a cigarette; i can’t even tell you how many times this has happened since i quit. but it doesn’t really matter. for me, these are the subconscious urges left over from thirty-plus years of habitually feeding my addiction, and i don’t expect i’ll ever be totally free of them. this is why eternal vigilance is so important. it doesn’t matter how many times temptation presents itself to you; all that matters is how you choose to respond to it. i’d recommend that you choose life. -kevindontsmoke on 5/23/2003 (his 203 day of quitting).

14. Characteristics of an “Addict”
characteristic traits of an addict:
immature
seeks immediate gratification…
Or to be more pro on defining addict, see below:

To gain insight, consider carefully this commonly accepted list of personality traits found in the addicted person. These are characteristics that occur in normal people, but in the addict are exaggerated and uncontrolled. These things render addicts incapable of being at peace.

Low Frustration and Tolerance seems to be the most consistent trait. This is the inability to endure, for any length of time, any uncomfortable circumstances or feeling. The addict is impatient.

Anxiety that state which seems to exist in all people, exists in an exaggerated way in addicted persons. They are subject to nameless dreads and fears. This anxiety drives addicts to “fight or flight”. Sometimes this is called free-floating anxiety.

Grandiosity is worn as a protective armour to hide feelings of low self-esteem. In reality, although addicts nourish an inflated image of themselves, their deep conviction is one of self-worthlessness.

Perfectionism sets impossible goals with inevitable failures and resultant guilt. The addict is an idealist. This idealism may be one of the reasons for success after recovery. They can be exceptionally fine workers once the illness has been arrested and after the perfectionism has been reduced to reasonable proportions.

Justification: Addicts are masters at this. Justification is the science of arranging to do what we want to do, then making it appear reasonable.

Isolation and deep insecurity deprive the addict of the real generosity needed to make close and enduring friendships. They become loners.

Sensitivity exaggerates all the unpleasant interpersonal relationships experienced by the addicted person. This inevitably produces extreme resentment.

Impulsiveness “I want what I want when I want it.” This is probably related to a low frustration tolerance. In some ways the addict takes pride in this impulsiveness, as though it were a valuable asset.

The addict can’t seem to enjoy a job or task and long before completion is already moving on to something else (a little ADD anyone?)

Defiance is a common response to society as a whole, whether the addict is under the influence or not. This is associated with a feeling that one does not fit, exactly, into society.

Dependence on other persons exists in an exaggerated form in most addicts.

15. A speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $100.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $100 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $100 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $100 dollar bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it?” Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, “What if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $100. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless. (For love addicts, ask yourselves who is crumpling you up or spending you on cheap stuff or investing you and taking good care of you?)- Eric

16. You know how addiction is often referred to as a “monkey on your back”? Well, I think there is actually a lot of wisdom in that expression….You see, the worst part about quitting is that dreadful feeling of deprivation… that sense of not being able to have what YOU want… But that’s where you make the mistake…. in believeing that by quitting you are denying yourself something YOU really want. It is not so. The truth is… that need to smoke does not come from YOU. It is not a voluntary, conscious desire that YOU come up with all on your own. Nope, it is a separate thing you are carrying around. A condition that flares up independently . A malady caused by smoking. A parasite. It is a monkey on your back. A monkey that feeds on nicotine. And every time this monkey gets hungry it starts tugging gently at your hair, and when you don’t respond it starts pulling harder, and biting at your ears, and poking it’s fingers in your eyes until you pay it undivided attention. It will settle for no less. It becomes such a menace you simply cannot concentrate on anything until he is satisfied first. But once sated he curls up comfortably against your shoulder again, and rubs his soft fur against your cheek, filling you with comfort, and relaxation, and happiness…. and then you are both content for a while…. until he gets hungry again…. and turns on you. This is what you have been living with all these years. And you have carried this burdensome ape around for so long you no longer know what is YOUR desire and what is HIS. You have come to believe that his needs are your’s. You have come to identify yourself with him, to love him in spite of the constant abuse. You have blurred the line where you end and where he begins. You have, in fact, allowed him to take control and become a major part of you. And that is why quitting is so hellish. Because by denying the monkey’s demands you feel like you are denying your own needs. No more. It is time to separate them… to look at your need to smoke as something separate from you… something alien… unwelcome… a burden… a parasite feeding off you. Externalize that need to smoke. Set it aside from YOU. Recognize it as a scourge thrust UPON you by smoking. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Every time you feel those withdrawals remember that it is not YOU bringing this on… what you are feeling is that bloody monkey tearing at you… having a fit because you will no longer play by it’s rules. It is pulling out all the stops and tearing around your head, smacking you this way and that in a desperate attempt to get fed. But just like a real monkey, if you do not feed it, it will eventually go away. So next time you feel desperate to smoke, remember… it’s not YOU that wants the nicotine, it’s the monkey. Don’t feed it. Free yourself.—Gummer

17. There’s a great story about a group of prisoners who only know life in a deep dark cave as they have been there all their lives. “Not only are their limbs immobilized by chains; their heads are chained in one direction as well so that their gaze is fixed on a wall.” They’re not very happy but they BELIEVE that this is their reality and it’s the only way to live and they don’t do much about it. One day, one of them is set free and wanders out of the cave toward this almost blinding light and sees that there are mountains and rivers and oceans and green grass and animals and a WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE for LIVING and adventure. So he decides, somewhat against his will, to go back and tell the others “there’s a better life!!!!” And he tries to explain it but no one takes him seriously. They just sit, blankly, in the darkness and stare at the wall in front of them. They tease him, they berate him, they laugh at him. They tell him to leave them alone. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Most of the prisoners REFUSE to be freed because they don’t believe him and, more importantly, they are too afraid of any other reality than the one they presently know. Of course some believe him. And go out of the cave to see for themselves…but not all. So…why am I relating this story???? Because life as a smoker is like being chained as a prisoner in a cave and thinking that this is your only life. Not until we change our ability to BELIEVE that there can be a different life, will there be. For MANY, quitting is a leap of faith. It’s a risk. But one worth taking. And like many of the great people here who have proven: it’s as simple as standing up, questioning your existence and moving toward the Exit sign.–Tracy

What are Values?

Posted on January 10, 2010 by l0velyjune

Someone asked me the other day, “How do I figure out what my values are?” That’s a very good question! Not many people even know what values are. I didn’t really have an idea about my values until age 40. I thought I’d explain here…

I would suggest you start with a list of your own personal likes and dislikes, as well as what you like or don’t like in other people. Think of the people currently in your life and those from your past. Did they have any qualities that really disturbed or upset you to the point where you said, “I cannot deal with this person at all!” For example, say your ex PoA always “neglected” you. When you wanted to talk to him he wouldn’t pick up his phone even though you knew he was home. The feeling of this “crushed” you. That being said, one of your values would be “I cannot remain in a committed relationship with someone who ignores or neglects me.” A value is a MUST HAVE. Once you put this on your list, YOU STICK TO IT. You don’t bend. And the reason you don’t bend is because this VALUE is about maintaining your honor and self-worth.

On the other hand, say you dated a guy (or girl!) and he or she picked their teeth with a toothpick at the dinner table (funny, perhaps. But this type of behavior bothers some people). Every time this person did this particular behavior it drove you nuts and you didn’t like it. Is trying to avoid this kind of behavior a VALUE? Probably not. It’s more of a preference. But the bigger picture could be “I need to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t embarrass me in public.”

So you see, VALUES are things, concepts, ideas that you recognize as being EXTREMELY important to you (must haves) and once you know what they are, you stay true to them. By staying true to them, you only let in people that are good for your well-being. Your values will not be the same as mine. Everyone has different values. What is really important to you, might not be to me. But when you find someone who SHARES your same values, it makes the relationship feel good to you and it makes the relationship work well.

VALUES are personal. But they rarely change throughout the years, unlike “preferences” (i.e. the guy picking his teeth at the table). More importantly, some values are very difficult to recognize. For the longest time, I thought I could handle a man who smoked pot occasionally. So, I kept dating men that did drugs socially. I thought I was wrong for being so critical of “socially laid back” behavior. I used to hear all the time, “C’mon, T, lighten up! You’re too rigid.” And so, for many years, I thought the goal was to learn to lighten up. I WAS SO WRONG! The goal should have been to find people who thought like me, who also could not handle social drugs in their world. What a difference it made!

Here’s a list of my VALUES, and below, is a list of my “preferences” in dating. See if you can see the difference.

MY VALUES:
1. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who drinks heavily or does drugs. Absolutely no way.
2. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who lies.
3. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who cheats.
4. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who cannot take care of himself
5. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who does not treat my children or his with decency and respect
6. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who hurts or abuses me mentally or physically.
7. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who does not enjoy physical affection and sex.
8. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t allow me my space
9. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who is an avoidant
10. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who is not mutually committed to me.

My preferences:
1. I would really like the person I am committed to to be intelligent and teach me things.
2. I would really like the person I am committed to to be musical and play guitar.
3. I would really like the person I am committed to to have a great sense of humor
4. I would really like the person I am committed to to be a good listener
5. I would really like the person I am committed to to be great in bed
6. I would really like the person I am committed to to enjoy travel
7. I would really like the person I am committed to to be financially stable (this might be a VALUE for someone else)
8. I would really like the person I am committed to to be open-minded about religious views and tolerant of all religions
9. I would really like the person I am committed to to like spending lots of time indoors
10. I would really like the person I am committed to to enjoy my family and friends.

Do you see the difference???? Remember your VALUES need to be written in stone, whereas your preferences can change. So, how do you know if something should just be a preference or it should be a value? Say for example you met a guy who you found to be cute, friendly, kind-hearted, but he wasn’t well-educated. Because of his lack of knowledge of the world or college education, you start to feel a rift. Maybe you even start to feel slightly embarrassed when you bring him around your college alum friends and he can’t keep up with the conversation. How does that make you feel? Is it a situation that you can overlook and live with and accept because his kindness outweighs everything else? Or do you feel as though it is making you lose respect for him? If it’s something you can live with (and be tolerant and ultimately happy about) then this is a mere preference. If it’s something that begins to agitate you and you find yourself constantly handing him a catalog of college courses, then “Intelligence in my partner” is more of a VALUE. In fact, intelligence should be moved to my VALUES list as it is more important that I initially thought.

Lastly, a more easier approach to understanding values is the act of having things in common. I’m not talking about the same color hair, or the same birthdate or you both went to the same high school twenty years ago and now you’re the perfect match. I am talking about shared beliefs. When two people share the same beliefs about religion, money, sex, intimacy, family, it tends to be easier for those two people to co-exist and have a healthier relationship. In my case, I thought if we both liked the same music, or we were both dumped by our exs that was a sign that we had stuff in common. I was so wrong! When you don’t know your values, you do not know how to discriminate. When you don’t discriminate (put up boundaries and keep out the weirdos) you are not taking care of yourself. And that is the ultimate goal of values.

Why don’t you share your list here, for others to see.

Here’s a comprehensive list of personal values.

STOP FOCUSING ON THE RELATIONSHIP

Posted on September 4, 2009 by l0velyjune

I’ve been reading a lot of posts lately on the LAA website where the individual (the love addict) is focusing his or her recovery on finding, maintaining, waiting for or trying to create A BETTER RELATIONSHIP, as if having a loving, intimate perfect relationship were a sign that he or she has beat this whole love addiction thing.

THIS IS NOT THE CASE.

Love addiction has little or nothing to do with the external world of dating and finding love. I think this is the hardest thing for any of us (me included) to understand. So I’ll repeat it:

Love addiction has little or nothing to do with the external world of dating and/or finding love.

It has to do with your own, personal inner ability to love YOURSELF and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and not use relationships or people as a means of escaping your pain and suffering.

In fact, I will go so far as to tell you that by focusing so heavily on your recovery for the sake of being good at a relationship, you are continuing the faulty pattern that got you into the mess in the first place. And by “mess,” I’m talking about your addiction (NOT your relationship, NOT your PoA). Your addiction: That draining, exhausting, undermining, self-sabatoging defense mechanism that YOU built for yourself many years ago to protect you at some point (not from dating, mind you, but from pain; physical, mental, sexual or emotional), and which has now become a defective, poorly functioning crutch. Not only has it become a crutch, but it has become something you don’t even recognize anymore. Suddenly, now that you’re older, you think you have a problem with men or women or relationships in general (and you do, but…) But you think, if I can just figure out how to BE in relationship, I’ll be fine. Sadly, that’s not the answer. In fact, it’s the problem. And it’s resurfacing and resurfacing and resurfacing with each new relationship you get into.

My wonderful, loving mother used to say to me, “Tracy, God gives you the same problem over and over again until you figure out how to fix it and get it right. When you fix it, the problem never comes back again.” She was so right. For the longest time I thought I was just dating the wrong guy or I was weird, different, strange. I bought a MILLION books on how to repair a relationship. I bought self-help books on how to love myself and how to be the perfect person I could be…I did all of this for the sake of finding the right man. Little did I know I was trying to fix something that was not even broken. I was trying to fix something that I had NO CONTROL OVER: men, dating, love, etc. I was trying to fix the wrong thing!

In fact, as recently as last year, I thought I had finally overcome all my problems with men. I thought I had finally proven my worth by dating a guy that loved me and I loved him (despite a few little problems, that I supposed I had to overlook, even though they didn’t make me feel too good inside). And then one day, he dumped me. One day, he said, “I don’t love you. I must have made a mistake.” And upon hearing that, I lost it. I lost EVERYTHING, and I came to the bitter conclusion that I was not meant for love. It was at this point in my self discovery that I FINALLY got it.

Love addiction has NOTHING to do with LOVE or men or relationships. It has to do with your independent ability to survive and thrive in the face of loss and pain, and not to cover pain up by losing yourself to the relationship for safety and protection. It has to do with who you are as JUST YOU, not who you are as you relate to the relationship you’re in. Recovery and self-worth come when someone dumps you or craps on you or beats you down or fires you and you allow it to happen without crouching and hiding. You allow it to happen and you face it and all of its consequences but you do NOT let it get the best of you. You do not identify your self worth with it.

Self-worth is a huge part of a successful recovery as an LA. Self-worth is based on identity. It is based on having an identity of one’s own and not feeling like a failure or feeling worthless because a relationship did or didn’t work out. And considering that one of the biggest issues love addicts have is a loss of identity and loss of self, this is where recovery needs to be focused– on finding one’s own identity. The more we look to solve the problems of our lives outside ourselves, the more lost we become. And sometimes when we hold on to a failed or failing relationship it is because our identity and self-worth is so wrapped up in it. You are not that relationship. Separate yourself from the relationship and start believing in who you are and what you are worth as a man or a woman who is viable and functioning without an intimate relationship.

When you have put in the time to do that, to understand who you are and recognize and make peace with your own identity, then you are more prepared when an opportunity for a relationship does come up. At that point, you don’t settle. You don’t take the only thing out there, or the first thing that comes along, or just anyone to make the pain go away.

YEs! Everyone wants to be in a loving, intimate relationship. That is undeniable. It is also part of our biology, and it is a practical, possible, real desire. But we must have a core self first; we must know ourselves and be able to stand on our own and have something to bring to the table first before we can introduce someone new and healthy into our lives. Dating is, after all, a more advanced stage of development. It might take awhile. It might take deferring gratification and putting time and energy into developing the self. But it’s worth it. You are worth it.

Somewhere along the line we, as a group, learned faulty defense mechanism to get us through some pretty tough times. They worked then, when we were ten and twelve and seventeen. But they don’t work anymore. Addiction is a defense mechanism. It doesn’t work. And just as the alcoholic must learn to survive and know himself without the bottle, and just as a drug-addict must learn that more drugs is not the answer, we too, must stop seeking out solutions through the PoA and The Relationship. The solution, the answer is in building the self.

———————————
Here’s a parable I always loved. You may have read it before in some variation:

There was a young man searching outside his house, in the grass, for his keys. It was a sunny bright day, with lots of mid-afternoon sun streaming down. An old man came by and asked what he was doing.

“I’m looking for my keys,” he said. “I lost them.”

So, the old man wanting to help the fellow out, started looking in the grass along side of him. After awhile, the old man said, “did you maybe drop them in a different spot, because we’ve been looking here for a while now and I’m not seeing anything.”

The young man looked up from the grass and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I should have mentioned that I lost my keys inside the house.”

The old man was dumbstruck. “I’m a little confused,” he said. “If you lost them inside the house, why on earth are you looking for them out here?”

“Because there’s more sunlight,” he said.

The battle within

Posted on January 5, 2009 by l0velyjune

To better understand this dis-ease within ourselves that we call love addiction is to look not at addiction, but avoidance. Avoidance of ourselves. It is to look at the alternate side of addiction. What is the logical opposite of addiction? Avoidance. It is not about men or our inability to find and/or keep a man. It is certainly not about how rotten somebody is treating you, if you choose to stay. And it certainly isn’t about love. If I keep choosing the wrong men then that is an issue unrelated to love addiction. Love addiction is merely a struggle within the Self, to AVOID the self, which manifests itself in the realm of love and relationships. To be a love addict, per se, has little or nothing to do with the object of my affection. It has to do with the Self and the Self’s inability to find peace and understanding within while in certain situations.

When I obsess, when I struggle, when I fear, when I feel disgust, and I point all those emotions at YOU, are you the problem? No. I am. When I get involved with a man who ignores me, neglects me, doesn’t love me, is that HIS problems? No. It’s mine. When I feel insecure and unloved and keep chasing after someone who doesn’t want me in his life, is that HIS problem? No. It’s mine.

So often we point the blame outside ourselves. So often we say, if only he would change. So often we look to the rest of the world to do the work of making peace for us. We are blind to the fact that change, peace, understanding is within us. That there is a STRUGGLE going on within us that needs to be quieted and we are the ones responsible for it. No one else. In fact, if we should name ourselves anything it should be “avoidants” not love addicts. By focusing so deeply on someone else for our salvation, we are AVOIDING ourselves.

My love addiction isn’t so much that I am addicted to loving someone. My love addiction is a distraction to a deeper problem within me. I am afraid of responsibility. I am afraid to live. To have a life of my own. I cannot choose a career. I cannot find my purpose. I am easily distracted and don’t stay with jobs for more than 3-5 years. I get bored. I don’t feel connected to anything. Nothing has heart. Most of my day is wasted doing menial things. I don’t put any effort into my life. I rarely take risks. I do not have something I am passionate about. Something to which I can devote myself. And because I lack ALL THAT, I welcome the opportunity to save you, I welcome the distraction of falling in love, I welcome your problems in my life because just me, all alone, is completely BORED OUT OF MY MIND.

Love is my passion. Love is what I become devoted to. Love is what I depend on. Love saves me. Love rescues me. Love is my life.

This, of course, is escapism at its finest.

I am trying to understand why I do the things I do. I am trying to love myself in spite of all my shortcomings. In spite of this mess. For the first time in my life, I can see a light flickering at the end of the tunnel. I now know WHY i do what I do when I am in a relationship. The fact that I choose men who don’t match up to my standards is something else entirely. I cannot confuse the two: love addiction and attraction. Heck the only way one fits into the other is that the more messed up you are, the more exciting my life will be.

This leads me to believe that having a PoA (person of addiction) is incredibly misleading and damaging to recovery. It puts the focus on the PoA and NOT on the Self. If I am constantly thinking about someone, who they’re with, where they are, why they did what they did, if they love me, I am not so much addicted to them as I am avoiding something within myself. I am ESCAPING from dealing with my own personal responsibility to me and my issues, that’s all. Having a PoA draws the focus away from the Self and allows me to place blame on something else. It allows me to accept that someone else has power over me. This is not true. Sure, we are all influenced by other people. But if we are going where we don’t want to go it is our responsibility to change, not someone else’s. Fretting over all the little stuff: “he called me,” “he’s getting married,” “he has a Christmas gift for me…” “he pinged me,” is simply more escapism. More avoidance. It’s ALL missing the mark of what recovery is.

Recovery is the SELF. It is facing your own demons. It is exposing yourself to the point of shame and embarrassment and eventually grace and freedom. The more I talk about myself in relation to the men in my life, the farther away I am from the truth. The farther I am from myself. The more i lose myself in a man, the more I lose my Self. The more I focus on his issues and his love or lack thereof, the more distant from my Self I become.

I do not have a PoA in my life now or ever. I am addicted to no one. But I am prone to avoiding my own issues and that is what I am working on. Sure, I will have waves of thinking about someone. I will hold out hope of seeing someone. I will dip into obsessive thought for a day or maybe a week. But I now know and believe it has nothing to do with whether or not I am addicted to them. It has to do with the fact that I have chosen to AVOID myself.

The 500-pound elephant in the room

Posted on December 14, 2008 by l0velyjune

I had a very difficult night last night. But it brought me to a place of enlightenment. Or rather, I shall say, awareness.

I had been thinking that the “purpose” of this recovery and alone-time was to learn how to survive and love myself without a man around. I’m kinda doing that. It’s hard, but it’s getting done. However, I’m wrong. That’s NOT what my recovery is really about. If i think it is, i am fooling myself and simply remaining blind to the truth of my own personal addiction.

What it is, is this: I keep failing to see the 500-pound elephant in the room. There is a bigger, uglier facet to my life that I have refused to face for YEARS and very possibly the driving force behind how i came to be a love addict…

Let me be clear: my love addiction has little to nothing to do with love or men. It has to do with what I have been avoiding in myself. And this is it– I do not have a career. I do not take care of myself the way I should. I am NOT a productive member of society. I am dependent.

This is very possibly the ugliest side of me. The monster in the closet.

Sure, you might be thinking, “She’s just exaggerating,” or “It’s not as bad as she’s making it out to be.” But it is bad based on this fact: In order to claim bragging rights to adulthood and maturity you need to be able to take care of yourself. Plain and simple. And I’m not entirely doing that.

I do have a job. I do earn money. And I do have two children for which I care for and love. But there’s a catch and one in which I won’t go into here for the sake of anonymity. Just trust me when I say, that if it weren’t for the help of my family and my fiscally responsible accountant, I would not be able to care for myself and my children on my own. I do not produce anything of any great substance and what’s more, I do not give back to society. I cannot offer a service. I do not teach, volunteer, educate, produce or create anything which may benefit humanity.

I merely survive. And that’s simply not good enough.

I believe THIS is what I am running away from. I am running away from being Productive. From working. Every time I begin to date someone new, it’s like this waiting to exhale moment comes over me….Ah! Now i don’t have to face finding a real job or going back to grad school…now I can lose myself to someone else and keep avoiding the ugly truth. The ugly, nagging, festering truth is that I have no real life. It’s not about my parents anymore. It’s not about what my dad did or didn’t do to destroy my life or create me this way. It’s not about some lost love. It’s not even about some deceptively attractive idea of a “fear of abandonment.” I CAN be alone. I have been abandoned and left and I have been OK with it. Trouble is, when I am alone, it’s easier to see that I am left with the ugliest part of me that I have refused to confront. And that’s what i don’t like. That is why I’d prefer to be in love.

I came to this conclusion haphazardly. I was reading essays from freshyarn.com yesterday. If you get the chance read: Diamonds, by Jill Solloway and/or A Man of Great Principles, by Todd Levin. Both brilliant.

I started to peruse the writers’ bios and the more I read the more sick to my stomach I became.

I’ll give you an example:

Meredith Hoffa had her first essay published in The Boston Globe Magazine when she was 18. After college she pursued journalism, working most recently at PBS’ The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer.

or how about this one:

Jenny Bicks was a Writer/Executive Producer on Sex and The City. She joined the show in the first season. Her work on the series has earned her anEmmy, multiple Golden Globes, Producer’s Guild Awards and two WGA nominations… In 2001, Jenny created and executive produced Leap of Faith. She is currently the creator/Executive Producer of Men in Trees…

It gets worse:

Doug Gordon is the author of The Engaged Groom which was published by Harper Collins in 2005. He has appeared on The Today Show and the Martha Stewart Living Radio Network and has been quoted on the subject of weddings in newspapers and magazines across the country. He is also a TV writer and producer and was on the staff of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire for four years. His credits include shows for VH1, Court TV, The History Channel, and a series of public service announcements starring Meredith Vieira.

Granted, these bios are all quite self-serving. There is no mention of saving the environment or working on fighting land-development. No memberships in Amnesty International, or writing credentials that include the journalistic exposing of child soldiers in Africa. These people’s bios are entertainment driven. None of them are probably saving the world. But they are achieving in their field. And that, to me, is huge. I have done neither. I have neither achieved anything in my “field” (I don’t even have a field) nor have I produced or worked toward anything potentially world-changing.

I thought of my own bio. How it would read. Of course the over-dramatic version came to me: Tracy lived at home until she was 27, quit college in ‘95, married, had babies. She moved to the suburbs, changed a million diapers, attended horrifying Longaberger Basket parties and became highly skilled at redirecting the focus of her spouse’s sex addiction to online porn rather than herself. She has written voraciously for most of her life but, to date, has only published one 4-page, double-spaced short story in an online magazine that has a readership of 5000. She is, however, a great kisser and has fallen in love nearly 40 (count ‘em FORTY) times.

I sure know a hell of a lot about hooking up.

The beast is rearing its ugly head and laughing at me, saying, “what have you done with your pathetic life but chased after men?”

So, what does this all have to do with love addiction? Well…I remember when I was being interviewed by Pernille. Despite being a successful documentarist, she is also a love addict. And she said to me once, “why is it that I cannot have both? A career and a relationship? When the relationship comes, I am all-consumed by it and don’t want to work or do anything else.”

The difference between she and I is that she is willing to put a lot of effort into her career during alone time, so much so, that she has won 28 film awards for her documentary “The Monastery.” I, on the other hand, have only been willing to put most of my effort into men. In between “gigs,” so to speak, I merely pass the time waiting, doing mundane things.

This disgusts me. And I need to change.

I wanted to sing. I wanted to write. I wanted to be a therapist. I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to make movies. I wanted to own a restaurant. I wanted to write a book. I wanted to write a screenplay. And yet, I have put no effort into any of that. When and if I did I (graduating from college), I stopped and gave it all up for a relationship– and a bad one at that.

Bottom line is this: i have to face this monster. I have been, since October, taking steps to do so. I have re-applied to grad school for Creative Writing. I have kept a promise to myself that I will have my work continually submitted to magazines and publishers. I have begun this blogs to help educate people on love addiction. I am writing more and more. I am even looking into ways to not only donate money to causes of my choice (forest conservation, stopping land development, keeping the democrats in the White House), but to actually work towards enlightening people on these issues and hopefully raise money in the process). I know I have it in me to see myself as a success. To be a success. But I must work harder. Be better. The object, though, is to redirect thinking AWAY from men and put my brain to better use.

The addictive nature of what drives me to remain in love is essentially MASKING something far more sinister: an inability to stand on my own and be, in my eyes, a success. My goal is to overcome this. My goal is to not only recognize the 500-pound elephant in the room, but to ask him firmly and kindly to leave.

The Lovely Addict's blog on love addiction & recovery

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