Tag Archives: Mental health

Where is she now, in 2013?

Posted on by l0velyjune
3
Me, a couple days ago, standing on our lake.

Me, a couple days ago, standing on our lake.

One of the things that I don’t always write about on my blog or on the forums is where I stand now in recovery, in my life and with my relationships. I think we (me included) tend to think a person who recovered X amount of years ago is all better. They’re done.  ”Nothin’ more to see here, folks.” And while I personally believe that’s partly true, it’s not entirely true. It’s always good to do an inventory to see if you’ve reached goals. And to remind yourself of what recovery is, so that you stick to it!

I liken the experience of recovery to growing up, and becoming an adult. Because let’s face it, that is, essentially, what recovery is. When you are not recovered and you are in the throes of your addiction, you’re acting out, avoiding life and responsibility as a child would, and ultimately refusing to grow up. When you recover, you pass through the stages of psychological development and hopefully reach your potential, whatever that may be. SO, while you are not growing at such a rapid rate anymore, as an adult (as a recovered person), you are still making choices about your life, you are still choosing roads and you are still deciding what kind of perspective you would like to hold on to at any given juncture in your life. A successful recovery, therefore, means that you find your identity, you learn how to be intimate, you begin to contribute to the world and you feel a sense of accomplishment in your life.

But here’s the tricky part…

Can even the healthiest among us know the entirety of their  identities when an identity is a constantly evolving human experience?

And can anyone really experience intimacy to the fullest, once and for all, despite the fact that people change all the time, and close up and bottle up and the open up again?

And must we reach a definitive point in our lives where we only contribute to the world, and no longer have occasional bouts of weakness where we must once again be the takers?

And despite feeling a sense of accomplishment for certain achievements, is it possible (or necessary) to feel a sense of accomplishment for every darn thing?

I guess what I am saying, is that while advanced recovery teaches you to not make critical mistakes anymore and gives you the tools to live an overall healthier life, you still face the human experience, you still must evolve and make decisions, you still must take risks and make mistakes, and you still must deal with other people who push your buttons, who challenge you, and who create in you a sense of wonder. So, while I no longer deal with the concept of PoAs or addiction, or doing horribly regretful things, I do deal with procrastination, avoidance of work, challenges within my own personality conflicting with others, challenges with my expectations of others (namely people I work with or family members) and from time to time frustration, boredom, anger, blame, and (my most recent) lack of interest in my job–after working to the point of near exhaustion from June to end of December, I collapsed and have been sick nearly the whole month of January. I want nothing to do with work and I am instead more interested in doing laundry and dishes!

Here’s more. Personally, I think I will always deal with my lack of ambition. I probably could have been far more successful than I am, but I never had any ambition, nor did I have a focus. I think I will always deal with my own version of ADHD in that, I can get bored with the direction I am heading in and change. And because of that change, I end up starting all over again. At the beginning.

Lastly, I wish I were better at spending less money.

So, at the moment, work and money is not working for me. That is where I am struggling. Should I continue with this particular volunteer work, or should I let it go? And if I do let it go, what will be the consequences?

On the flip side, my relationship with D has been wonderful. Aside from the past month where we were both sick and miserable with the flu, and a bit short with each other, our overall relationship is right where I’d hope it’d be after 4 years. My feelings for him still grow. He still amazes me with his kindness, love and respect. ANd I still have deep emotions for him, backed by the fact that he never hurts me. When you find someone who you love and trust and who shares your same values,  AND they never hurt you, the relationship becomes such a healing one! Are we lovey-dovey and shmoopy every day? Hell, no. He makes too much noise at night when I am trying to sleep. He’s oversensitive about my tone of voice (I’m Italian! I’m a little louder than the average girl!) He more often than not feeds his kids junk food. But these are issues I can handle! We are planning our wedding for August 24th, 2013.

My relationship with my kids is also strong. I am growing prouder and prouder of their accomplishments and the men they are growing into (well, they are still boys!). I spend lots of time with them and they mean the world to me. Do they act out and whine about cleaning up their rooms and doing chores? Yes! Every day. Do they get straight As; are they picture perfect students? No (well, the youngest one is!). Do I spoil them? Probably a little bit. But I am learning to let go and let them grow up in a healthy environment. I am creating a peaceful, loving world for them, and for that, I am proud.

My health and diet is going well. I decided to lose a few pounds back in October, and I accomplished my goal. Now to maintain! I am eating extremely healthy too, which makes me feel better and more important, regulates my mood so that I am happier, calmer, less moody. I’m telling you folks, try to cut back as much as you can on sugar, caffeine, drugs and alcoholic. When you do, you can clearly see what a large role those chemicals play in affecting your mood!

My relationship with my mother is wonderful. It usually always is, but now, she is newly retired and lives close, so we have been spending extra time together.

My house is a wonderful place to be. We’re under construction and that’s hugely exciting!

SO, that’s where I am now. How about you? Take a look at where you were five years ago. Are you where you thought you’d be? Are you where you want to be? What goals can you set you achieve those outcomes?

Learning to let go

Posted on by l0velyjune
4

When I was a kid I had what many kids have– a security blanket. I also sucked my thumb and had a goofy-looking teddy bear I creatively named “Teddy.” And while I was able to get rid of the thumb sucking and the teddybear, I was unable to let go of the blanket. In fact, it followed me well into my married life. I slept with it nightly.  And it served one of the most important roles of any object around the house– it comforted me when I was sad or angry or upset or in pain. I would roll it up in a ball and press my face into it and touch the binding. And lo and behold, it worked. It calmed me down.

Unfortunately, as I got older I learned to cling to more destructive things– smoking cigarettes, food, people, shopping. These things all served the same purpose. To comfort me. Yet there was a paradox. The more I clung to these things to comfort me, the more uncomfortable, out of control and painful my life became.

Relationships are a perfect example. No matter how real and fulfilling the relationship was for a time, if it had come to its end for whatever reason, I needed to respect that end, not try to emotionally (or physically) drag it out, which I was doing. The trouble was, I had made the relationship not only my security blanket but the be all and end all of my existence. It was the entity which validated me, comforted me, defined me, saved me. And while every good relationship can and should be considered a comfort, it should not be considered something that saves, validates, completes or defines us. That’s when we seem to get into trouble. And that’s when we hurt the most if the relationship ends.

HOw so? Well, when we cling to a relationship that is clearly over, we sabotage ourselves. Sure, the relationship may have been beautiful at one point. But when we do not let it go or respect the passing of it, we do great damage to the self and stunt our growth. It’s like mourning the dead for too long, or worse, having a relationship with them. We deny ourselves a true present. And we fail to take care of that deep human need in us to be loved–not by others, but by ourselves.

But in order to let go, we need to know why we are hanging on.

My thoughts on this are simple. We hang on because we don’t believe we have anything else. We don’t believe we can do better, or find someone that will accept us or love us with what we believed was the best love imaginable.  And most importantly, we fail to recognize that we–ourselves alone–were so much more than the relationship and still are. The relationship ended, we did not. Also,  we hang on because we do not (nor possibly ever did) have a clear sense of the actual health of the relationship. Wanting the relationship to work more than wanting to face the truth puts us in a position of denial. But, if we are to be brutally honest with ourselves, the relationship might not have been a healthy one, it may have been broken in spots that could not be fixed. This, in no way, means we have to beat ourselves about how we lived through the relationship. But we do have to be honest and face a truth that we might not want to face, NOW. Facing the truth, and not holding on to a fantasy, helps in the healing process and helps us to move on.

Finally, it happens often with relatively healthy people too, but when it comes to relationships, some people give everything away. They sacrifice their identity and become the other, they give up their hobbies to follow the other’s hobbies, and they lose themselves almost completely to the relationship. When and if the relationship ends, what do they have left of themselves? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done this. I proudly called myself a chameleon.  And for what? Looking back, I find it strange that I was so proud of having no identity of my own and could change so easily to fit into the lifestyle of whomever I was dating.

When I was a teenager, I spent a summer working on the boardwalk down the shore. I sold t-shirts for a young, but wise Israeli man named Eyal. I had fallen in love with another of my co-workers, and at the end of the summer, when he went back home, I was devastated. I felt like my whole world blew up in my face and I had nothing. Everything that was important in my life was gone. Eyal and I talked about this one night and he said this: “There is an old, Israeli saying that when you fall in love,  give everything to the other person, but keep three finger for yourself. This way, when you fall,” and he made pretend that he was falling to the ground, ”you have something to catch you so that you can get back up again.   And he held up his hand with three fingers.

Where are your three fingers? Have you given them away in this past relationship? Do you feel like you have nothing to stand on? Guess what, you still have them! Find them and stand up again. When you do, it makes letting go a lot easier.

For a great blog on “letting go” try this one from tiny buddha.

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Fighting back negative thoughts

Posted on by l0velyjune
10

I am REALLY struggling this month with negative thoughts floating around in my head. I have been under a lot of pressure lately with work and kids and it just seems that my only outlet is to secretly bash everything and everyone in the private space between my ears. Thing is, it’s non-stop! “Who does she think she is?” “What a loser,” “I really hate when people are hypocrites,” “Who does that?!” “I can’t stand the way he does this,” “I think she’s jealous and bored and manipulative,” “I hate her,” “I hate him…”

It goes on and on. And then there’s the script that I play over and over where I am talking directly to the person I am angry with. I summon as many examples as I can to bolster my argument to put the other person in their place, shame them, yell at them, punish them.

I hate to say it, but lately, I am filled with so much hate and anger and I don’t know where it’s coming from.

It’s partly coming from being overworked and over stressed. From having too many people in my house and not enough adult time. Not enough quiet time. Alone time. I am angry that I can no longer control my environment.

Another part of it is coming from others who are stressed out as well and kinda taking their issues out on me. Because I am under so much stress myself, I don’t have a lot of positive force within me to handle it, so I fall apart much quicker. I snap more easily. My skin is not as thick.

And of course, because of all this extra stress, I have been sick for MONTHS. One cold after another. One doctor’s visit after another. I am so worn out!

The biggest problem is that I feel STUCK. I know that I have to force the negative thoughts out of my head. I know I have to give up control. I know I have to be grateful and see the beauty in things. But sometimes (now!) those affirmations and bits of advice just don’t work. Enter frustration. Not only am I dealing with negative thoughts, I am unable to resolve the problems that are causing the negative thoughts. Argh. My usual method of dealing with problems is to isolate and avoid everyone. But I can’t do that in a household of six people! So…there’s gotta be another way. In a TIME article, it says I should just “accept” my negative thoughts, and yet, they are not always about myself. They are about others. Judging, angry, hateful thoughts about how others have “wronged” me or hurt me in some way.

How do you deal with negative thoughts? DO you have any techniques to help deal with stopping the thoughts or changing your mind about something? PLease post your ideas! I’m in need :) So, far, the only thing I am trying to do is drown out the negative thinking by listening to NPR, going to spin class (but I still think negative in class, at least until my body takes over) and I have been reading a book on Native American spirituality, which helps a bit.

Compromise, sharing and sacrifice…Ugg!

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

Five days ago I was sitting on the rue Saint Germain de Pres with D, sipping a cafe au lait at Les Deux Magots, happy as can be, all about me and my journey of finally getting back to Paris. Today, I am grumpily laying around in my ugly pajamas, kinda feeling the weight and discomfort of D’s ex now living in the house across the street, feeling out of control with all the kids running around in my space, and mostly pissed off that I couldn’t pick out the dish set for the house that I wanted.  I actually had to compromise. And I hate that.

This latter part is the crux of my problem lately. Recovery teaches you to love yourself, be independent, take care of yourself and not depend on anyone else. More than that, years of addiction creates in people the need to be  in control also. How so? Well, all my relationships were with avoidants, so it was basically like I was in a relationship with myself– no need to share, no need to compromise. The men were never really around to share a decision-making process, so I did everything myself. If I look back even further, I was an only daughter, with two younger brothers who were very close in age. I was constantly shut out and alone and made up games all on my own. No need to share my toys either because I was the only girl.

So, lately, I feel a bit frustrated. I feel as though I do not have the tools or the patience to be part of something bigger than me at all times– like this relationship. For example, D places healthy expectations on me, like, wanting to be included in the process of picking out dishes. Or wanting my input on who we hire to rake our leaves. He wants to hold my hand when we walk down the street. He wants to help me make dinner and then he wants to help me do laundry and cover the bed and put up the Christmas decorations. Well, sometimes, I want to put up the Christmas decorations by myself. And sometimes I don’t feel like holding hands. And I rarely want any help cooking. And I could care less who he gets to rake the leaves. And I especially want to pick out the style of dishes I want on my own. Me, me, me.

I don’t want to share. I find it difficult to compromise. I want to be in control. And I feel like all the independence I have struggled so hard for over the years through recovery (and by virtue of living alone, despite there being an avoidant male around) has been sacrificed for the sake of this union.

It’s not that I feel completely erased or without an identity. I still feel true to myself. But I feel frustrated. And I am a little angry that recovery doesn’t teach you anything further than how to love thyself. It doesn’t prepare you for the normal, healthy friction of coupledom. It merely teaches  you how to build the foundation (the Self), which is necessary for all other relationships. Well that’s all fine and good. But then you’re standing around without a road map. Worse yet, you’re built for independence, a life alone, and then thrown into an unfamiliar situation where you’re required to co-exist, share, compromise and sacrifice much of your independence for the sake of a union.

Even the 12-Steps fail to offer a set of principles based on compromise, sharing, letting go and being part of something bigger than yourself (except when it concerns your relationship with God). Service is a component of the 12-Steps. But let’s be real- you can still be totally egocentric and offer advice to further inflate your ego.

But in a relationship– a healthy one–you cannot exist on an egocentric plane. If you do, you’re doomed. Your relationship is doomed.

And so, I am currently looking for books that not only help in the recovery process, but in the longterm management of healthy relationships and basically how to be part of one . It’s more difficult than you’d think. There’s more of a cultural leaning towards “no compromise” and books on “sharing” are almost exclusively for kids! When I find something, I’ll let you know. Until then: do not want share. Mine. Mine. Mine.

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More on Values…

Posted on by l0velyjune
7

When we decide to make an emotional and/or physical commitment to someone, we get all the baggage–good and bad– that comes with that individual. That means that we not only inherit a potential fun, charming or good looking partner, but we also inherit all his or her idiosyncrasies, habits, fears, neurosis, behaviors, skeletons in the closet, past relationships, and even some long-standing childhood insecurities that still might be lingering. We get it all.

So, the object of dating is to determine what you might inherit, before making an actual commitment to someone. Because, let’s be real, once we make a commitment to someone, be it marriage or co-habitation or even a promise to remain together, it’s a very difficult bond to break once you have second thoughts. It’s your job, therefore, to know what you can handle and what you can’t. And this is where I always seemed to mess up. I thought I could handle anything! Oh, how wrong I was.

Here’s an example of what I mean.

Take G, for example, an old PoA of mine with whom I was madly in love. I used to say he “only” has four issues (count ‘em, four!). Who can’t handle four little issues? Trouble was, I seemed to have a very difficult time dealing with these four little issues to the point of near-complete frustration and pain. So, what were his issues (according to me?) Here there are:

  • He smoked pot
  • He was too individualistic (meaning he did not want to move in together)
  • He dressed like a street person (he got away with this one because he was a musician)
  • He didn’t enjoy having sex–like, ever.

When I looked at this list on its own, it was a no-brainer. There was no reason I should stay with this guy. But I didn’t do that. Instead, I focused on his positives and shut my eyes to these other issues. I mean, I didn’t want to complain about four little problems. G was, after all, funny, intelligent, and creative– all things that were very important to me. He treated me fairly well, we never fought, we got along well, he called me on the phone incessantly, we laughed all the time, I was attracted to him, and we were “in love.”

And yet these four issues of his, no matter how much I tried to ignore them, kept rearing their ugly heads. They wouldn’t go away. And I certainly couldn’t change him or inspire him to change (despite trying!) In fact, I ended up saying the old cliched line: “If you really loved me, you’d quit smoking,” or “If you really loved me, you’d move in with me.”

Eventually, as is usually the case, those seemingly inconsequential problems became bigger than his good qualities. These four issues outweighed all G’s positives ten to one. But I still couldn’t figure out why, or why I was staying.

And then, one day, I learned about VALUES, and it hit me. I had none. I thought I could handle anything, but I couldn’t (no one can). I thought I was strong, but it turns out I was dumb. And I thought I was courageous, but really I was weak. I was weak because having a relationship (any relationship) outweighed the idea of living a healthy life or being alone. It became more important than my own well being.

Also, I set little value to my own personal core beliefs. I really could not handle having a close relationship with someone who smoked pot, did drugs or drank heavily (heck , my dad died of a drug overdose). And yet, I would date men that had addictions. I really could not handle the idea that a man wouldn’t want to have sex with me. Hello! I’m sexy. How could I date someone who simply wasted this valuable asset of mine? And yet, I did.

Why did I get into this predicament if I knew I couldn’t handle certain things? Who wants to be neglected? WHo wants to be teased or disrespected? Or treated badly? No one. But when you don’t know your values, you think you have no choice. You think you have to inherit junk.

When you have no values, how do you know what you can and cannot handle? Well, I did some soul searching, and wrote out a iist and soon found out what I could and could not accept in my life.

G’s issues ultimately became the foundation to my personal list of VALUES. And when I began dating after him, I had a road map. I let my values be my guide. I knew what qualities, behaviors, or idiosyncrasies to stay away from and I knew what qualities I liked.

Here’s a list of my most important values:

1. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who drinks heavily or does drugs. Absolutely no way.
2. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who lies.
3. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who cheats.
4. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who cannot take care of himself
5. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who does not treat my children or his with decency and respect
6. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who hurts or abuses me mentally or physically.
7. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who does not enjoy physical affection and sex.
8. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t allow me my space
9. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who is an avoidant
10. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who is not mutually committed to me.

Most importantly, I knew how to place a boundary around myself when I encountered someone who did not share my same values. This was hard to do. Why? Because it takes a few dates to know if someone shares your values. You start to make an investment and have hope. And oftentimes, after I had started to feel an emotional intensity for someone, I would have to give them up because I learned they did not share my same values.

It was also difficult because I had to give up a lot and change my habits. It meant staying home alone when all my friends were going out to bars to try and pick up guys (I didn’t want to find someone at a bar if one of my most important values was “no alcoholics!”). And it meant I could not have a relationship with just anybody, simply because we “clicked.” I would, after all, be inheriting more than just a “click.” So, I learned to be patient and not invest my heart so quickly. I learned that dating is not about immediate gratification, but rather, deferring gratification, and simply enjoying people by learning about them first, before getting hot and heavy.

And lastly, I learned that absolutely everyone has issues, shortcomings and drawbacks, but that I can handle some of those problems, whereas others I cannot.

D, for example, is sometimes overly sensitive and I have to watch my “tone” around him (no Italian screaming). That’s a problem I can handle. He sometimes forgets to call the repair guy, or put the toilet seat down, but he never forgets my birthday, he never forgets to say I love you, and he never forgets to help me with the dishes every night. D complains sometimes. And yet, he is aware of the bigger picture and quite grateful. He’s sometimes very wasteful when it comes to food, water, electricity or other resources. And he probably fools around on his cell phone more than I’d like. But I can handle ALL of those problems because D shares my core values. He does not drink or do drugs, he’s healthy, not afraid of commitment, very passionate, never neglects me, I love the way he dresses, and so much more.

Do you see how one set of problems can be handled, whereas another set cannot? And we are all different too. Different values will show up on each person’s list.

So, here’s your challenge: What are YOUR values? How does your current or past partner stack up? Are you willing to make changes and place your personal values above all else? What does that mean to you? What would you have to give up to be true to yourself?

He’s right, she’s wrong (or is that vice versa?)

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

Yesterday, D got upset with me. Two things usually set him off: when my “tone” is aggressive, despite me having good intentions (eg. When he went out during the tail end of the hurricane to pick up fallen branches, but the wind was still blowing pretty strongly. My response: “What are you doing??!?! Get in the house!!!” His response: “DOn’t yell at me!”); and when I accuse him of some character defecit (eg. When I say things like, “you’re not understanding me,” or “You probably should have seen that one coming,” or “It seems like you might not be very in touch with your emotions…”)

Granted, no one wants to be yelled at, nor told that they’re doing something wrong. But sometimes, he’s a litte too senstive. Hell, he’s dating an Italian woman. I thought my “tone” was colorful ;)

Anyway, so last night, he was very upset because his group of core friends from high school (think “Bill Chill“; if you’re younger think “Old School“) attempted to plan a turning 40 party for one of their other friends, and kinda included D, but kinda didn’t. The upsetting part is that D is turning 40 too, a day after this other friend. For starters, that wasn’t acknowledged in any of the correspondence. Then, when they decided on a time when they could all get together, they ended up changing it, later,  to a time when D couldn’t go. Needless to say, he felt hugely snubbed. And so I comforted him as best I could. “Those guys are self-centered assholes, and they’ll never change…” I said.  ”Yeah!” He agreed. “How dare they leave you out when you’re just as much a part of that group as anybody,” I said. “Yeah!” He agreed. And then, “But darling, you shouldn’t have any expectations of them because they do this all the time!” With that, he snapped at me too. Suddenly it was, “You’re not helping any. “In fact, you’re making things worse.”

“How so?” I asked. “It’s the truth. Those guys can’t be trusted and you should know that by now.”

“I don’t need to be told, ‘You should know better’ when that doesn’t change the fact that I’m a little upset right now and have a right to be upset.”

“Sure! You have a right to be upset. I’m not trying to take that away from you. But doesn’t it help to be reminded that this is nothing personal? That you’re in control of having expectations of these idiots or having none, based on knowing their history?” I mean let’s be realistic, here. They do this all the time.

“No, it doesn’t. Because while I have no expectations of most of them, I do have slightly higher expecations of some of them.”

The conversation basically went on like that, but I ended up feeling pissed off myself that as soon as I state a fairly obvious truth, D gets angry with me.

D and I don’t bicker. And we don’t get into many arguments. But it’s these moments when I feel he doesn’t quite understand my intention. And that bothers me. I never mean to hurt. I never want to tell him that he’s wrong, no good or bad at something, and so when he thinks that’s what I am doing, I feel hugely misunderstood. On top of that when he calls me out on it, it makes me feel attacked.

I mean, is it so wrong to want to draw attention to someone’s own part in their upset? Is it so wrong to want to help them place some of the blame on themselves? Heck, this is what recovery is all about, isn’t it? Removing blame from the PoA and placing it squarely on our own shoulders. And yet, I am beginning to realize that not everyone in the world is in “recovery mode” and not everyone wants to accept blame for something they clearly believe they didn’t create or do. Events are done unto people. Period. And there is no personal responsibility for it. And if there is, it doesn’t always need to be mentioned. Is this right? I guess it is. On a scale of human behavior where one end it total insanity and the other is complete self-awareness and good health, I consider D to be pretty close to the  emotionally and mentally healthy guy. A real marker of “normal” if ever there were such a thing. And yet, at times like these, I kinda think he’s being a big baby.

I wanted to post this for its inconsequentialness. This is what healthy relationships are all about. A healthy balance between two totally different, unique individuals and their personal idiosyncrasies. The “Im right”; “No, I’m right” moments we cannot avoid simply because no two people think alike. So, I’d take this any day as opposed to the extreme imbalance, drama and love-sick insanity and confusion of my past!

But I’m still right, right? ;)

So you don’t think you’re a love addict, huh?

Posted on by l0velyjune
2

So, I go into this cafe the other day and sit down to have a decaf and a blueberry muffin (biggest weakness ever). And I end up talking to this amazing woman, sitting at a table next to me, who somehow ends up telling me the story of her life –how she’s in her second marriage, and he treats her like garbage, so she started having an affair with someone else, and then she fell in love instantly, but now she can’t seem to let go of the hubby…and….

And then she started crying and said, “I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do.”

So, I came right out and said, “You sound like a love addict.” And I proceeded to write down the web address to this site, thinking I was doing this poor girl the biggest favor ever. But she looked at me like I had five heads, and quickly replied, “Umm. I am NOT a love addict.”

There I go. Labeling people without their approval. Thinking I know best. When in reality, I am obviously offending them.

So, I quickly apologized and said that I didn’t mean to upset her. And then I added that she should just check into the site anyway, because there’s some really great relationship advice on it. She was OK with that. We actually hugged goodbye and went our separate ways.

But it got me thinking. Why are so many woman so opposed to being labeled a “love addict?”  I’ve even heard another woman confess to having a five-year love affair with a married man that she  simply couldn’t break it off with. When I told her she might be a love addict, her response was the same. “Absolutely not.” So, what’s the aversion to being called a love addict? And what’s more, what’s the difference between someone who calls themselves a love addict as opposed to someone who just has crappy relationships?

For starters, I think the way we culturally and socially define love addiction has to change. The term “love addict,” to many, has a horrible stigma attached to it. It conjures up the image of some lonely, desperate woman who stalks her “prey” and begs for love obsessively from any man she comes in contact with. On top of that, the term “addict” is reminiscent of “junkie,” “heroin addict,” “pill-popper,” “alcoholic,” or “freak.” Quite frankly, who wants to relate to those images? I certainly didn’t. I never stalked, I never begged, and I was rather selective when it came to whom I dated (well, sort of). In fact, most men chased after me (true!). And by God, when they wanted out of the relationship, See ya! They were free to go. I never tried to hang on or cling to someone who clearly (operative word, clearly) no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me. So, why then, was I so I willing to call myself a love addict when others are not?

Second, people are often in denial about who they are. Part of my willingness to accept the label “love addict” came from my enormous desire to change. I didn’t care what anyone was going to label me, I simply wanted answers, and I wanted to a better way. Also, in my case, I began to realize that being prone to crappy relationships wasn’t just a coincidence. It was a pattern of mine that I couldn’t seem to break out of. It meant that I was the culprit and not just the men I dated. I wasn’t just unlucky. I was actually the one responsible for this unpleasant life that I was creating for myself.  Lastly,  I turned to The List of 40 Questions for answers. Sadly, I was able to check yes to questions like, “When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.” Or, “You fall in love very easily and too quickly.” Or even, “Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.” Honesty with myself and an ability to throw out my pride, helped me to overlook labels and overcome denial.

Third, some people simply don’t recognize there’s a problem. But I’ve got news for you. Falling in love with an unavailable, married man isn’t just bad luck or something that happened to you. It’s a choice YOU made and it says something about your own personal inability to accept better for yourself. And hopping from boyfriend to husband in the hopes of finding happiness, isn’t the best strategy for managing your life or finding out who you are. And hanging on to someone who neglects you, lies to you, cheats on you and hurts you is not acceptable. It doesn’t just go with the territory. Love is not supposed to hurt. And yet so many people accept their “lot” in life and don’t know there is a way out.

Lastly, maybe they’re just not a love addict. Not everyone is. The definition of an addict is a person who is “abnormally dependent on some habit” to the point of it interfering with the safety, security or well-being of his or her life of others’ lives. Furthermore, love addiction is really the avoidance of the self. We seek out love and obsess over others when we are too afraid to confront our own lives or face our fears. Some of us, however,  manage our lives quite well, have great friendships, good families and successfully take care of ourselves despite our ability or desire to enter into a  romantic relationship. I often think of people like Gandhi, Mother Theresa, your friendly (single) neighborhood pastor, or the girl or guy next door  who simply loves his or her alone time more than the idea of coupling up. Also, there are people who get into bad situations, or have one or two bad relationships, but then, end up learning from their mistakes and eventually find a strong, mutually committed relationship.

I think the tell tale sign of  love addiction, at least in most cases, is  a pattern of dysfunctional behavior that typically lasts longer than 2-3 years and is marked by an inability or a refusal to leave a relationship despite obvious pain, suffering and/or abuse. If this is the case, I wouldn’t worry about labels. I would read as much as I can and try to become healthy. Period. Addiction or not, I’m guessing you could use the advice.  Also, take The List of 40 Questions quiz and see what you come up with. That’s the best way to evaluate your situation.

You love the new you, but he doesn’t. Now what?

Posted on by l0velyjune
5

You’re in recovery. You’re changing. You’re finding your voice. Finding your strength.  Standing up for yourself. Creating values. Making boundaries. And sticking to them. It’s all good and you feel so proud of the changes you’ve made. You’re Wonder Woman. But suddenly, you notice that your guy is getting angrier and more distant the stronger you become.

What happened? He’s supposed to be totally amazed at your transformation. He’s supposed to be totally blown away by the fact that you’ve stopped nagging him, or obsessing over where he is or why he hasn’t called yet. He’s supposed to feel more empowered now that you are gaining some independence of your own. But none of that is happening. Instead, he’s angry, suspicious, perhaps even more aggressive and just plain ‘ol nasty. In fact, he now wants nothing to do with you.

Years ago, I read Dr. Phil‘s “Relationship Rescue,” which claimed that if YOU (only you) changed your ways, the relationship would be saved. It was based on the idea that you were only in control of changing yourself and not your partner, and that as soon as you improved your outlook on your life, it would inherently change the dynamics between you and your partner and make for a happier, peaceful relationship. And this would be true, IF you were with a healthy individual whom you love and who loves you in return. It does not work in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship and the reason is simple.

When you recover, when you change the very core of your belief system and actually, for the first time in your life acquire values (where before you had none) you transform the Laws of Attraction which initially brought you and your partner together. You’re different. You’re no longer on the same level as your partner. In fact, according to how radical your change is, you’re on a totally different planet!

Water seeks its own level. Think about it. It took me years to understand this concept. But it’s true. Like attracts like, and when your position in life moves or changes from one place to another so do the people in it. Think of the blue collar worker who marries an uneducated girl. She becomes a housewife, raises the kids and then, when they go off to college, she decides to go to college herself and become an attorney. Suddenly, there’s a socio-economic disparity between this couple that wasn’t there before.  If the two individuals within the marriage are strong enough, confident enough within themselves and still have a lot in common then the marriage might last. But if the relationship was shaky to begin with and each within the marriage do not have much self-confidence,  the husband might  feel “intimidated” or threatened by his wife’s success, while the wife might feel as though she no longer has anything in common with the husband. It happens all the time.

And the same can be said for your situation. Your current relationship, or the one you had before you decided to do your personal overhaul, was forged on a dysfunctional dynamic. Take, for example, the  love addict/avoidant model. In order for this relationship to work, one person must be pursued (the avoidant) while the other must be the pursuer (the love addict). The moment one of these people changes this particular dynamic, (you stop pursuing, for example) the relationship falls apart. An avoidant can’t be an avoidant if there’s no one to avoid! In simpler terms, your partner needs you to be unhealthy and dysfunctional because he is too!

My point? Don’t sell yourself short for the sake of holding on to the relationship. Continue to follow your path. It’s hard to do, because initially you feel like you might be losing something. But, believe in yourself.  The healthiest thing you can do is to continue to make wonderful strides in recovery and allow your current relationship to run its course.

Bottom line: when you change for the better a true sign of a loving, caring partner is one who supports your changes and encourages them. Have the continued courage to recognize this and move on if necessary.

Top 10 lies we tell ourselves to keep hanging on…

Posted on by l0velyjune
1

So, you’re in a bad, dysfunctional, crappy relationship. How do you know this? Because despite your undying love for this person, you feel miserable, you’re not getting what you want and you’re in deep, emotionally pain. Red flags all over the place and yet, you’re not paying attention to any of them. Here are 10 lies we tell ourselves to remain anchored…

  1. I love him/her, or I’ve never felt this way about  anyone before. Love is like a sailboat. When it’s on the water, it carries you smoothly across the seas. But when it’s on dry land, it doesn’t do a damn thing.   Love is an almost pointless, burdensome  emotion when you feel it for someone who treats you like garbage. And that is why it is the number one WORST lie we tell ourselves to keep hanging on. Focus instead on the actions in your relationship. What is going on percentage wise. If you can’t see it clearly, keep a journal of your feelings (today, I was angry, today I felt good, today we fought again). Make sure you re-read it after a few months and with your BRAIN, not your heart or your emotions, gauge whether it is an overall healthy relationship or not. But do not base whether you remain in a relationship on love alone. Don’t base things on whether you have a sailboat or not. Base it on whether you’re trying to sail it on water or dry land.
  2. He said he loves me. So what. I love you too. And Britney Spears  loves her fans, each and every one of them. Love is action. Love shares the same values. Love doesn’t feel like pain. The love songs are WRONG. Love doesn’t hurt.
  3. He needs me. No he doesn’t. He’s a grown man. He’s perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Or, at least, he should be. If he’s really in need of an adult woman to take care of him, or keep him out of trouble, or whatever it is he can’t do himself, then you’re dating a teenager or worse, a toddler and not a man. Then again, maybe, you’re the one who really needs him…
  4. I need him. No you don’t. You just think you do. You are also a grown woman. People need each other situationally, not in entire relationships. You might “need” someone to get a dish down for you if it’s high up on a shelf (then again, get a chair). You might “need” someone to take care of you if you’re sick, you might “need” someone to set you straight every once in a while. But you should not need anyone financially, or emotionally or to be “around” to give you what you lack. Being grown up entails learning how to make do on your own even when you are lacking.  Sure this sounds cold and shrewd. Hollywood and American culture has defined people who take care of themselves  as cold and emotionless. SO not true. You can be independent, take care of yourself, not need anyone for anything AND have a loving, warm , passionate relationship.
  5. We work together/we live together. I have to make it work. Get a new job. Move out. These are excuses you use to keep you in a bad relationship that needs its proper burial. Getting a new job or finding a new place to live is extremely scary and disruptive. We all want stability and we’ll do darn near anything to keep it. But you have no right staying in a bad, loveless, or otherwise painful relationship just because you are afraid of change. Take a deep breath, open your eyes, and dive into the unknown. You both deserve this kind of freedom.
  6. I’d feel like I was giving up. Sometimes relationships do bear the weight of struggle. There are phases couples go through, and having patience and working through those troubles is a necessary part of your commitment. But ask yourself two questions: 1.) Is my partner as committed as I am when it comes to working through this? And 2.) When I take a hard look at the QUALITY of our relationship over its lifespan, what percent has been really good, as opposed to painful, and have I been able to maintain my values throughout? Be honest now. Giving up can be a good thing when it comes to toxic.
  7. I don’t want to be single again. Too bad. Not wanting to be single is like not wanting to go to the dentist to get root canal. It’s a part of taking care of yourself. Better yet, it’s an unnecessary fear. There are 96 million singles living in the US alone. 12.2 million widows, 3 million widowers,  and 25 million men and women who are divorced. It’s time to change your paradigm about being single. It doesn’t mean you’re always alone. It doesn’t mean you are unloved. And it certainly doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you (especially according to these stats). But being single does demand that you face yourself and learn to be independent. It means spending extra time getting to know what you like and what you are capable of. If you avoid being single at all costs, you deny yourself a chance to experience life in a new, positive way. Still need convincing? Read Jen Shefft’s book Better Single Than Sorry. As Jen says, “single doesn’t equal lonely…”
  8. No relationship is perfect. I need to accept that. Yup. You’re right. No relationship is perfect. But “perfect” should not be the standard to which you hold your relationship to. Nor should it be the highest measure which allows you to shoot close to perfect and be OK when you don’t reach it. In fact, perfect has no bearing on how to measure your relationship. But health does.  Health is a lot easier and more realistic to measure. Take people, for example. Say you have two friends: one smokes two packs of cigarettes a day, eats fried foods, never exercises, watches TV for 5 hours a day, has problems with obesity and was just told by his doc he has early onset Diabetes. The other friend is lean and fit, eats healthy, exercises every other day, educates herself and also just got back from the doctor. She gets a clean bill of health. She also manages her money well, volunteers in her community and is generally a happy person. Is she perfect? Nope. But she’s healthy. View your relationship in terms of health,  not perfection. Health is also something we can work towards, perfection is not.
  9. There’s no one else out there for me. If this is what you’re telling yourself, you are in serious depression and denial and need a wake up call. I understand that many people out there are in geographically challenged areas, maybe even isolated. I understand that we all don’t look like Brad Pit and Angelina Jolie. And I totally get the (faulty) thinking that there is only ONE soulmate out there for each of us (not!). I even get that the pool of available men shrinks the older we get. But this kind of thinking is a.) hopeless, b.) negative, c.) false, d.) limiting and e.) it ends up being prophetic if you really begin to believe it. Wipe it out of your mind. It’s an excuse to stay in a relationship that is poor and unhealthy simply because you are AFRAID to try again. Simply because you are afraid of taking a risk. Of course you want something better for yourself, but with this kind of thinking, you begin to believe that the risk of a better life is simply not worth taking. Why? Because there are no guarantees. And we want guarantees. Well, there are none. You need to get out of this relationship despite having another one to jump into.
  10. He’ll/She’ll change. He’s/She’s just not ready yet. A tiger can’t change its stripes, but it can change the direction is which its walking.  Do you see the difference between what it can change and can’t? Humans can also change certain things about themselves but not others. We can change a like or dislike, or even a habit. But we cannot generally change a value–something we inherently believe in. We can change our minds about something, but we cannot generally change our inherent nature. My point? He’s not going to change the fact that he neglects you. She’s not going to change the fact that she doesn’t really love you. You know how hard it is to change one little facet about you when you try so hard? Well, imagine how hard it is for someone who has no inclination to change. It’s pretty much impossible. Second point: YOU are not the one who will change him. Especially if you’ve been at it for quite some time now. Give up the fantasy. You’re life is not Love and Other Drugs,  Casablanca, The Notebook, or any other cheesy love story told on the big screen. Move on. Change what you can…yourself and your situation.

He’s not perfect; are you?

Posted on by l0velyjune
4

Put the “rotten,” “no good” “jerk”  in a box and seal him up for now. We know how he wronged you and what a miserable person he is. And we know you don’t deserve to be treated the way he treated you.

But let’s turn to YOU and find out who YOU are. He’s not perfect. But you’re not either. And sometimes, we forget to address the change that needs to occur within ourselves. Here’s a list of qualities that, if you have them or are prone to them, might need to be worked on BEFORE you can expect to meet someone healthy, loving and kind….

Lying– He lies, but you lie right back. Have you sunk to his level, or has he sunk to yours? If you’re prone to lying, YOU NEED TO STOP IMMEDIATELY. Lying is the act of putting distance between you and whomever you’re lying to. Not only that, but it’s an ugly quality. Honesty is scary, but it’s the mark of a deeply loving person. It says, I am willing to be honest with you because I am not afraid to expose my true self, and I have a great amount of respect for who you are.”

Cheating–You want a healthy, happy, passionate partner but you’re going outside of your marriage to find him (or her). What’s wrong with that picture? If you’re cheating, you will attract people who lack the value of honesty and loyalty. Right from the start, you’re compromising yourself. You must BE the loyal, devoted person you wish to find in the world. If you’re having trouble with your spouse of boyfriend, you need to work it out first, BEFORE seeking someone new. It’s like eating a huge ice cream sundae while you’re still working on your dinner. What’s the rush? Why be such a glutton. Finish your dinner first before heading over to get dessert.

Anger Issues—Anger is an important emotion. It tells you when something is seriously wrong, or that you are in pain or suffering. But anger, when directed at others, is hostile, irresponsible and destructive. At the relationship level, nothing positive is ever accomplished in anger. Angry people think they have a right to be angry. Sure, everyone has a right to feel anger. But no one has the right to direct it towards someone. If you are angry at your spouse, for example, because he does not treat with you respect or kindness, or he has cheated on you. You have a right to control your personal situation by leaving if it bothers you so much. But you do not have a right to scream and yell and disrespect someone. If you are a deeply angry person who carries a lot of anger within you, you need to get to the bottom of it and work it out. Your anger is barrier that will keep you from connecting to others in a more healthy way.

Blaming—It’s his fault I’m this way. It’s her fault I can express myself properly. It’s the company’s fault I didn’t get the promotion. The blame game is a pointless one. It removes any semblance of responsibility from you and puts it somewhere, safely outside yourself. It’s a childish act that keeps your ego intact and “pure” while pointing the finger at others to make them look bad. I didn’t know you had to do that. No one told me. Truth is, if you’re a blamer who won’t step up to the plate and own your actions and take responsibility for your own behavior, everyone can see it but you. If you are trying to forge a healthy relationship with someone, how can you bond with that person if you’re unwilling to take responsibility for your actions? Start owning up to stuff. Get in the habit of saying “It’s my fault.” It’s not as hard as you think.

Manipulating—Manipulation is one of the lowest forms of human interaction because it’s stealthy. It’s based on lies. I never understood manipulation until it was explained to me in detail, and so here it is for you: Your partner tells you he’s unhappy in the relationship and thinks it’s best to break up. You obviously don’t want to break up. But instead of vocalizing your sadness, or accepting that your partner has free will to leave, you suddenly fall very ill and the only thing that will help is if he stays the night. Manipulation. Or how about this one. You know how much he loves sex, so he offer to have sex with him if he’ll stay. Manipulation. You cry about your dead grandma and insist you need him by your side. Manipulation. Are you catching on? There’s only one direct route to stopping this kind of behavior and that’s recognizing that you’re doing it, recognizing your feelings in a certain situation and vocalizing them. Instead of using tactics to get him to stay, it’s your job (it’s your responsibility) to accept what he is saying and allow him to make his own choices. He’s a grown man. He knows what he wants. And you’re a grown woman. Sometimes relationships don’t work.

Gas Lighting—The textbook definition of gas lighting is “a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. For example, say you eat the last cookie in the cookie jar and someone sees you do this. If they approach you and say, “you just ate the last cookie!” and you deny it, your denying it is called gas lighting. Here’s another example. You get caught cheating on your partner. He has a firsthand account of the affair. Instead of fessing up, you deny it and say, “that never happened. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Gas lighting can make people go crazy and doubt their sanity. It is borderline evil in that the person doing the gas lighting is purposely avoiding to acknowledge a common reality. If you catch yourself doing this, stop. Gas lighting creates a very wide barrier for intimacy between you and everyone else.

Being Plain ‘ol Cruel—You get into a fight with your guy. You’re angry. He goes off to take a shower and you flush the toilet on him. Just plain ‘ol cruel. And childish. He pisses you off and says some off color remark; you hit him. Cruelty, violence, hatred begets cruelty, violence and hatred in a relationship.  Unless you’re partner is against it, which in that case, he’ll/she’ll just leave you. How can you blame him? You’re operating on a really low budget. Being “the bitch” is a defense mechanism. It’s nothing to be proud of. It’s not funny. And you’re not “cool” because you’re setting him straight. A healthy relationship is not conducive to any of these things, especially violence. If you think you have a violent, cruel  streak, it’s time to address it immediately. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect or abuse. And you certainly don’t need to be a prisoner  of your own bad behavior.

Using Someone—You wouldn’t like being used, so don’t do it to other people. Plain and simple. If you don’t like a person enough to be totally committed to them, but you love their status or how good they are in bed, this is abusive.

Communicating Poorly—Communication is the essence of who we are. Are you quiet, shy, soft-spoken, a good listener? Or are you loud, boisterous, outspoken and chatty? How do you speak? Do you curse like a sailor, speak Queen’s English, or somewhere in between? When you get angry do you yell and scream, or do you stuff it inside and refuse to talk? Do you call your partners names when you’re angry? DO you degrade him or her verbally? Are you verbally abusive? Do you listen? No, I mean, do you REALLY listen?  These are all things you need to learn about yourself, because the way you communicate sets the stage for who’s interested in you and who’s not. It defines you. And it makes life easy for you or a living hell. If you find yourself frustrated, hurt or angry after conversations with friends or loved ones, if you feel as though you are not being heard, or getting what you want—it may be the way you are communicating. My suggestion: everyone reading this should buy a book on honing your people skills, even if you think you’re the greatest orator since Winston Churchill. What could it hurt? Chances are you will benefit.

Excessive neediness/dependent—Nothing says I’m not ready for a healthy relationship more than dependence on others. Relationships are not based on two halves seeking to become whole. Good relationships are based on two whole, complete people able to take care of themselves, who come together not out of necessity, but out of desire. When you need someone to take care of you the lines of love blur. Need is the higher goal, not love, and when that’s the case, everything else from love to all your core values (like being treated with respect, not being neglected, etc.), are shoved aside. When you need someone, they can abuse you, neglect you or avoid and you’ll stay. Why? Because your need to be dependent on this person is taken care of and so you lose sight of upholding your other values. Neediness is a trap. It can imprison you. When you become dependent on someone else, they are in control of your life. The goal of recovery is to become as independent as possible so that when you enter into a relationship you are able to sustain yourself if the relationship fails. You are also able to depend more on yourself for entertainment, finances, career, alone-time and general living. The more independent you are, the more desirable you become as a person.

Avoidant/Self-Centered– Is it all about you? Are your needs far more important than anyone else’s? If there’s an egocentric streak inside you because you simply don’t get enough attention as it is, this could be a big problem. It’s NOT all about you, so grow up. You are one among 6,775,235,700 people who share this planet and it’s time to stop focusing on getting your needs met every second of the day. Interestingly, in recovery, that’s all we advise people to do: focus on yourself. But that’s because Addicts never grew up. They were never able to grow through and experience the more selfish phases of their life, childhood through teenage years, when it’s acceptable to be egocentric. Recovery is a time to be selfish, to focus inward and to find out who you are. But when you are ready to date, and share your life with someone else, you learn that part of growing up means letting go of purely selfish behavior. You learn that being in a committed relationship means getting most, if not all of your needs and values met, but it does not mean that you get all of your desires met. Learn the balance. And make sure you recognize the difference. Because the opposite can happen: if you ‘re not getting your needs and values met, that’s not a healthy relationship. Then you stand to lose your identity.

Addicted/No identity– This is obviously the opposite of above. If you’re not getting most if not all of your CORE VALUES and needs met in a relationship, you are, plain and simple, giving up your identity, the very person you are. Read more about holding onto and maintaining values here.

Stonewalling– Stonewalling is a form of communication where you choose not to communicate verbally. It is the act of shutting down almost completely and not speaking to your partner, usually during a crisis or argument. It is meant to delay or avoid communication or it is used as a tactic to refuse to cooperate or come to an agreement. When you stonewall, or deliberately refuse to communicate with your partner, you essentially reject them and isolate yourself. This is how marriages fail. This is how friendships dissolve. And this is how individuals who do not know how to diplomatically manage relationships handle a situation. It’s dysfunctional and does not lead to intimacy.

I want to mention here that many times we find ourselves in relationships we really don’t want to be in but don’t know how to get out of. Many times we cannot leave a bad relationship because of our dependence or addiction to it. And so, we turn to faulty behavior like stonewalling to resolve crisis. We do this because, 1.) we do not love or have the best interest of this person in mind, or 2.) we do love this person (despite our incompatibility with them), and act out of anger or immature tactics because we never learned a better, more effective way to communicate. Ask yourself where you stand. Aside from your partner, how do you behave around others? Do you have many close, intimate relationships with friends and family that are solidly built on trust, respect and love? Or do you have trouble bonding with almost everyone? Are most of your relationships marked with hostility and frustration? Remember, communication and the way YOU behave in a relationship is JUST as important as it is in finding the right partner. In fact, it’s essential. Water seeks its own level. Be the person you wish to find in another.