Category Archives: Self

Donut or apple? How will you choose?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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There is a truth that you will need to accept, grasp, understand, make peace with and use as tool to move you forward, if you want to recover. That truth is this: We love and allow hurtful people into our lives because the hope and need of being loved far outweighs the need for taking care of ourselves. Why is that so? Well, chances are we learned that our parents didn’t take very good care of themselves, so why should we? We also learned that impulsivity feels better immediately. So, why wait?

It’s like choosing a donut over an apple. We make that choice by virtue of what our parents taught us. We make that choice based on our own internal perception of who we think we are. Are we a person who’s little voice inside their head says: Who cares about me or my health?! Let’s have fun and party now! I just want the immediate gratification of that donut!!!! Or does that voice inside our head say, My body is a temple. I really don’t want to pollute it. I’ll have a donut every once in a while, but I prefer to be good to my body and so, I choose the apple. When we choose the donut day, after day, three to five times a day, what happens? We become overweight, unhealthy; we may even become stricken with a preventable disease like diabetes. When we choose the apple, we live a longer, healthier life and we live with the pride in knowing we took care of our health. It’s the same with love addiction, only, we’re choosing the donut.

So, how do you go from a diet of donuts, cookies, fast food and junk–stuff that might taste really good, but doesn’t do a darn thing for us–to one of fruits,veggies, nuts and seeds that can literally transform our entire being???

The answer is both simple and complex.

When you want to make a change of any kind, you need to change the way you BELIEVE in something. In order to give up the junk food, you have to train your brain to believe that fake, orange cheese in a can is NOT FOOD, and while it may taste good to you now, it is a trick. When you’re a love addict you need to train your brain to believe that the PoA is NOT FOOD FOR YOUR SOUL. He might feel good for a minute or two, but it’s a trick. He will do the same amount of damage as the can of cheeze wiz.

When you recover and want to date people who are good and healthy for you, you must learn to give up the need for immediate gratification for love and protection from someone else. When you do that, and you take your time searching for someone healthier and the priority changes from expecting love from an outside source to protecting yourself and enjoying your life as it is now, only then will you start to allow healthier people into your life. This takes longer, it’s harder to do, and it’s not instant (even if you have chemistry!) It takes putting down that deliciously tempting donut and having an apple instead.

Getting to that point is hard too. Some people see no value in deferred gratification. They see no value in the apple. But sometimes what it takes is detoxing from all the sugar and sweets you’ve been eating so you can finally see clearly! What I mean by that is this: when we are getting a hit of the PoA (person of addiction), we only know the value of that immediate pleasure that comes after days, weeks or months of pain and agony from abuse, neglect or suffering. And so we get brainwashed or trained into recognizing that our pain is temporary because there will be a hit of pleasure, no matter how small, at some point, if we just hang on. To get out of that cycle and retrain your brain to believe there is a different way to exist is very difficult. But there are two ways this can happen:

  • If you’re lucky, you could be struck with a life-altering experience that changes you. The complete rejection of an avoidant PoA, the death of a family member or friend, hitting bottom, seeing the light, and so on, are all examples of an outside force that propels us to change.
  • If you’re not so lucky, you have to follow the harder route: changing your belief system from within. That takes months and possibly years of reading about recovery, reading about your addiction, learning new ways to live, to think and to be. It takes finding a better model of love and copying that. It takes giving up your old, unhealthy ways by learning to replace them with healthier ways. It takes many months of being alone, of trying to figure it out, of making sacrifices.

Eventually what happens is you start to see more value in the apple than the donut. You start to see more value in healthy people than you do in the “bad boy.”

When I was younger, I ate french toast and pancakes for breakfast. I ate donuts like there was no tomorrow. McDonald’s was on my list of places to eat at least three times a week! And since I never got fat or felt any negative reaction from all the junk I ate, what did I care? Only when I got older and wiser did I start to see the damage I was doing. Only when I got wiser and love myself more did I realize that much of what I was doing was having a dangerous affect on the parts of me that could not be seen. The same wisdom came to me regarding my love addiction as well. I finally realized the truth! We love and allow hurtful people (and things) into our lives because the hope and need of being loved and having immediate gratification far outweighs the need for taking care of ourselves over the long haul. This idea must change if we are to change.

So…start to see the value and the power in that little apple. Choose substance over taste. Your life depends on it.

Where is she now, in 2013?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Me, a couple days ago, standing on our lake.

Me, a couple days ago, standing on our lake.

One of the things that I don’t always write about on my blog or on the forums is where I stand now in recovery, in my life and with my relationships. I think we (me included) tend to think a person who recovered X amount of years ago is all better. They’re done.  ”Nothin’ more to see here, folks.” And while I personally believe that’s partly true, it’s not entirely true. It’s always good to do an inventory to see if you’ve reached goals. And to remind yourself of what recovery is, so that you stick to it!

I liken the experience of recovery to growing up, and becoming an adult. Because let’s face it, that is, essentially, what recovery is. When you are not recovered and you are in the throes of your addiction, you’re acting out, avoiding life and responsibility as a child would, and ultimately refusing to grow up. When you recover, you pass through the stages of psychological development and hopefully reach your potential, whatever that may be. SO, while you are not growing at such a rapid rate anymore, as an adult (as a recovered person), you are still making choices about your life, you are still choosing roads and you are still deciding what kind of perspective you would like to hold on to at any given juncture in your life. A successful recovery, therefore, means that you find your identity, you learn how to be intimate, you begin to contribute to the world and you feel a sense of accomplishment in your life.

But here’s the tricky part…

Can even the healthiest among us know the entirety of their  identities when an identity is a constantly evolving human experience?

And can anyone really experience intimacy to the fullest, once and for all, despite the fact that people change all the time, and close up and bottle up and the open up again?

And must we reach a definitive point in our lives where we only contribute to the world, and no longer have occasional bouts of weakness where we must once again be the takers?

And despite feeling a sense of accomplishment for certain achievements, is it possible (or necessary) to feel a sense of accomplishment for every darn thing?

I guess what I am saying, is that while advanced recovery teaches you to not make critical mistakes anymore and gives you the tools to live an overall healthier life, you still face the human experience, you still must evolve and make decisions, you still must take risks and make mistakes, and you still must deal with other people who push your buttons, who challenge you, and who create in you a sense of wonder. So, while I no longer deal with the concept of PoAs or addiction, or doing horribly regretful things, I do deal with procrastination, avoidance of work, challenges within my own personality conflicting with others, challenges with my expectations of others (namely people I work with or family members) and from time to time frustration, boredom, anger, blame, and (my most recent) lack of interest in my job–after working to the point of near exhaustion from June to end of December, I collapsed and have been sick nearly the whole month of January. I want nothing to do with work and I am instead more interested in doing laundry and dishes!

Here’s more. Personally, I think I will always deal with my lack of ambition. I probably could have been far more successful than I am, but I never had any ambition, nor did I have a focus. I think I will always deal with my own version of ADHD in that, I can get bored with the direction I am heading in and change. And because of that change, I end up starting all over again. At the beginning.

Lastly, I wish I were better at spending less money.

So, at the moment, work and money is not working for me. That is where I am struggling. Should I continue with this particular volunteer work, or should I let it go? And if I do let it go, what will be the consequences?

On the flip side, my relationship with D has been wonderful. Aside from the past month where we were both sick and miserable with the flu, and a bit short with each other, our overall relationship is right where I’d hope it’d be after 4 years. My feelings for him still grow. He still amazes me with his kindness, love and respect. ANd I still have deep emotions for him, backed by the fact that he never hurts me. When you find someone who you love and trust and who shares your same values,  AND they never hurt you, the relationship becomes such a healing one! Are we lovey-dovey and shmoopy every day? Hell, no. He makes too much noise at night when I am trying to sleep. He’s oversensitive about my tone of voice (I’m Italian! I’m a little louder than the average girl!) He more often than not feeds his kids junk food. But these are issues I can handle! We are planning our wedding for August 24th, 2013.

My relationship with my kids is also strong. I am growing prouder and prouder of their accomplishments and the men they are growing into (well, they are still boys!). I spend lots of time with them and they mean the world to me. Do they act out and whine about cleaning up their rooms and doing chores? Yes! Every day. Do they get straight As; are they picture perfect students? No (well, the youngest one is!). Do I spoil them? Probably a little bit. But I am learning to let go and let them grow up in a healthy environment. I am creating a peaceful, loving world for them, and for that, I am proud.

My health and diet is going well. I decided to lose a few pounds back in October, and I accomplished my goal. Now to maintain! I am eating extremely healthy too, which makes me feel better and more important, regulates my mood so that I am happier, calmer, less moody. I’m telling you folks, try to cut back as much as you can on sugar, caffeine, drugs and alcoholic. When you do, you can clearly see what a large role those chemicals play in affecting your mood!

My relationship with my mother is wonderful. It usually always is, but now, she is newly retired and lives close, so we have been spending extra time together.

My house is a wonderful place to be. We’re under construction and that’s hugely exciting!

SO, that’s where I am now. How about you? Take a look at where you were five years ago. Are you where you thought you’d be? Are you where you want to be? What goals can you set you achieve those outcomes?

Children of alcoholics

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Originally published January, 21 2009

I’ve been talking to someone new. We are clicking mentally, that’s for sure. But there’s a flag waving in the distance and I cannot tell if it’s red or white. We’ve discussed his alcohol consumption, which comes up from time to time in that he tends to talk about it more than usual sometimes. I told him I thought he drank too much and he quickly defended himself and said that he enjoyed a good scotch here and there, but otherwise, all his talk is just that- talk. And yet, I don’t believe him. At least not yet. He could be telling the truth, or he could be doing exactly what my ex did- saying virtually anything to keep me in his life.

Keep in mind that I am hugely sensitive to alcohol consumption as my father was an alcoholic who died basically drinking himself to death. I mean, there are people whose drinking does not bother me in the least- others, not so. But I’m  hard-wired to detect it. I can sense the slightest nuance or change in behavior when someone is drinking (or doing drugs for that matter). I can even tell when you are about to drink or smoke or that you had something within the last three days. This is both a blessing and a curse. It makes me at once super-humanly perceptive and horribly annoying-but annoying only if you’re the kind of person that’d like to drink in peace and not be told “I think you’ve had too much.” It’s definitely part of my father’s legacy-  and something in me which is probably here to stay.

My last two bfs started off this same way. They were both cured of the desire to smoke weed when I met them. They were done with it. And I believed them. But, things changed and as is so often the case, they both went back to it.

But the issue is this: when you are raised by at least one alcoholic and you go through all the ups and downs with that parent and watch him struggle through interventions and AA and rehab centers, you always BELIEVE, number one, that once he goes through the 12-step program he will be cured. And number two, that you will never have to deal with it again. Poof! Problem solved.

When you grow up, you carry that same belief with you. You are  time and time again, willing to accept an alcoholic or drug addict in your life because you’re convinced that they will change, recover, be cured.

Sadly, this is false. But no one ever teaches you this. Instead, programs like Al-anon and Al-ateen teach and  instill hope in the program, convincing you that it works. This isn’t to say that 100% recovery isn’t possible or that it doesn’t happen. But the disease and/or the recovery that ensues is no easy road. Ever.

I have to come to terms with this as a grown woman. And believe me, that in itself is not easy. Think how people must have felt when they learned the earth was round! It’s a shock to the system. I too am just learning  that I must look at things as they are, not as I wish them to be.  And most importantly, I must know when to stay away from the fire even if it’s just smoke.

Update 1/20/2013: I absolutely love looking back and re-reading some of these old blog entries when I had first met D. I was so mistrusting, and I am very proud of being that way. When you live your entire life in abusive relationships, it takes months, even years to start trusting people again, and only then, do those people have to be FULLY worthy of your trust. I remember Susan Peabody telling me once, “You can heal and you can trust again within a relationship, but only if your partner NEVER lies, or NEVER does anything to lose your trust.” I thought, Are you kidding me?  That is an impossible standard for any man. All men lie, I thought. I will most likely never heal. But I was wrong. I have been with D for 4 years now and he has NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER broken my trust or lied, and when he said he really doesn’t have a drinking problem, and that it was “all talk,” he was right. But it took many months, even years to believe him. Not only did he never lie, he allowed me to be suspicious. Not overly suspicious, of course. But he was patient with me, and  understood that for me to fall in love with him, he would have to prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he was worthy of me. Because he believed I was worth that kind of effort. Anyway, if I had known then what I know now I may have been far more trusting. And yet…I pride myself on being so cautious. No one knows a person’s character in the first few months of dating. It takes years to know someone. Be patient and keep mistrusting! And  look at things as they are, not as you wish them to be.

Review of last night’s Huffpost Live Segment

Posted on by l0velyjune
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If last night’s segment on Huffpost live was any indication,  I am far more at ease (and happier) as a writer behind the screen, as opposed to on it. And yet, I would do it again if it meant that I had the opportunity to help someone realize the key most important points to love addiction:

  • That it’s NOT about love
  • That it’s an avoidance of the self
  • And that you CAN change and have a healthier life IF you not only have the will, but the right tools. 

Overall, I feel the segment failed to do anything but offer a bit of light entertainment.  Everyone had their own agenda. I would have liked to talk about the solution, not just the “disease.” The therapist, obviously, want to talk (and talk, and talk, and talk) about things like “comorbidity” and the science behind what he had learned in his textbooks. And the writer of the article, Kelly Bourdet, wanted to talk more about the culture of addiction, not so much the individual, personal plight of someone suffering with addiction. She pegged addiction as “an interesting topic” to write about. I grant her that. But hasn’t America talked enough about the culture of dis-ease? Isn’t it time to start offering solutions?

What Kelly did do was bring up the point of addiction as a lack of agency. I think if you buy into the 12-Step philosophy of “Powerlessness,” or if you buy into the science that addiction is a “disease of the brain” more so than just a harmless behavior, then you’re right. It leaves you free to say, “Oh well, this is just who I am. I can’t do anything about it.” But, you do yourself a huge disservice believing that. When it comes time to get healthier–when that very behavior really starts to wreak havoc on every aspect of your life–then what? Take drugs? Treat the symptoms? That’s so typical of American medicine and why there is an underlying belief that addiction cannot be cured.  

And while I agree that you may not be able to cure your nature, you absolutely can cure certain undesirable behaviors. You simply stop doing them. It’s hard as hell. It takes years. Oprah didn’t get where she is overnight. I didn’t get healthy overnight. You have to relearn healthier ways to live.  But it can be done. People are not powerless over addiction until they are taught to be. And that is definitely a cultural phenomenon–helplessness. 
 
Pernille, the director of Love Addict, also brought up the point that Pia Mellody believes it should not be called love addiction, but rather “fantasy addiction.” And yet, I still think that misses the mark. Love addiction may be more about fantasy than love (I don’t know one love addict that is even close to doing any real loving). But if you dig down and unearth the bigger issue of why a person chooses fantasy (or anything else for that matter) as a repetitive, obsessive behavior that distracts them to the point of  their  life falling apart, then you have to be open to the idea that it may be more an issue of  Self Avoidance as opposed to anything else. When you are so focused on chasing after love, and this action is causing pain, suffering and more chasing and more obsessing, what happens? You disappear. You are neglected.
But why? Why would you neglect and avoid yourself?
Because you’re afraid. Of what is your job to figure out.

Comment if you have a different POV. But that’s what I believe should have been discussed in those 20 minutes.


http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/5074b92c78c90a78ff00023e

Dear Love Addiction

Posted on by l0velyjune
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On the forums, one of my favorite posters decided to write a letter to her addiction. I thought it was a good idea, and so I appropriated it. The above is my letter. Simple. To the point. Others may not have such a peaceful letter to write, and that’s OK. Write your own personal letter anyway, and have it come from your heart (and your head). Whatever you do, use it as an exercise in healing and awareness.

 

Dear Love Addiction,
You are now an old friend I revere. I am no longer angry or hate you or mortified of my past, because I see in you a teacher. I didn’t want to learn, but you showed me the way. I didn’t want to grow up, but you taught me the shame in remaining stunted. I didn’t want to accept the ugly side of myself, but then you taught me to forgive myself. These are the lessons I learned from what, at the time, felt like a horrible education.

Many times I asked, “why would you make me suffer like this?” But now I see you had plans for turning me into a whole, beautiful person, who has many gifts to offer the world. I came to you with nothing. And I left full. And for that, I am grateful. Without you, I would not be the woman I am today.

-Tracy

 

Major Change

Posted on by l0velyjune
2

It’s time for an inventory! This week’s topic asks you to delve into ways you have changed since you’ve begun your recovery journey–or since you’ve been coming to these boards. What have you learned? What is now different about you? What subtle changes have you made to your behavior for better (or worse!)

I will start by listing a few of the major changes I made that have shifted my behavior since beginning recovery (I have a very long list, so I’ll keep it to only the top most important, that have had the most impact)

1. I learned that my “idea” of my perfect mate was a childish one and no longer fit the person I was. I was always attracted to the single, dark haired ‘bad boy’ but I wasn’t bad, I had kids, and I was a very stable, simple girl. These were qualities about me I didn’t recognize. I also did not want to recognize that I should have been looking for someone more like me who was also interested in family, stability and a more simple life. Once I let go of my childhood image of the perfect mate, I was more open to different, healthier men.

2. I learned that when a relationship was not “right” I would get physically sick or emotionally moody. I could not just blame it on my period or something I ate, which I tended to do (it must be something else that’s bugging me). Although periods and certain foods would definitely exacerbate my moods, the reality was, I was in a bad relationship and didn’t want to face it. When something was not right, my whole body would SCREAM at me. I finally started to listen, and became honest with myself– even if it meant change. 

3. I learned that my love addiction was not exactly about love. At the root of my love addiction (at the root of ALL addictions) is a very strong desire to AVOID something that you really don’t want to face. In my case, it was my responsibility to work and financially support myself. I DREADED the idea of work and finding a job. So much so, that I got married to avoid it. That I’d date and fall in love to avoid it. Once I faced my fear (forced myself to do things alone, took myself out of my comfort zone and experience awkwardness, etc.) I suddenly had a much healthier ability to pick and choose boyfriends. Because I was not choosing them to care for me or to help me avoid something, I was able to choose a mate on other qualities like friendship and kindness.

4. I learned that Water Seeks Its Own Level. As messed up as you may think your PoA is, you are equally messed up (hard to face!). As “healthy” as you think your hubby is compared to you, look again. We seek out people who balance us. Who match us. Only when YOU are healthy will you be able to find someone equally as healthy and well-adjusted. This lesson was a hard one to accept. I always thought I was better than everyone else, and so I would get angry when they didn’t live up to my expectations. Boy was this an eye opener to recognize that I was just as bad. Well, I didn’t want to be on the same level as my PoA!!!! I was better than that!!! And so…the “water seeks its own level” was a lesson in self-love. If I thought I was so great, I needed to prove it by connecting with healthier people. Not just PoAs…but friends and family too! I changed many people in my life and improved my circle of friends. 

5. I learned that as deeply as I delved into my past for answers in the end, what mattered the most was what action I was willing to take at that time to change my behavior. Dr. Phil said once, “It’s one thing when you’ve suffered as a child from abuse or neglect; it’s another thing entirely when you drag all that suffering into adulthood. Let it go!” So…this lesson was about getting out of my head and actually taking physical action. When I would catch myself sitting around doing nothing but thinking and analyzing whatever failed relationship, I recognized that this too was a form of avoidance. So…I would get up and go for a bike a ride (even if I did not want to! And that’s the key). Remember, as love addicts it’s very hard for us to take any action outside ones that draw us closer to our PoAs. 

6. I learned that, for years, I believed that my ideal mate was the image of my father. I felt as though I would be betraying my father if I liked any other type of man. But the thing is, he may have been an OK father, that I had no choice in selecting. But he did not make the perfect model of the man I should date. I didn’t have to repeat history. I could change it. I could find someone with whom I was more compatible. Sometimes we feel anchored to our past. We feel obligated to stick to our tradition. You don’t have to! In fact, in order to break the chain of dysfunction in families, you must do something different than your forefathers.

7. I learned that once you do find someone healthy, your old ways of communicating, and working out problems will not be tolerated by a healthy individual. Especially if your old ways are dysfunctional. I had to change many of my dysfunctional ways of communicating. How did I do this? I read. A lot. I learned what manipulation was and that I was doing it. I learned what blame was, and that I was doing it. I learned about complaining, and decided I no longer wanted to do (that I wanted to be a grateful person instead). I REPLACED bad behavior with good and I continued to do until it became a habit. 

8. I learned that communication, negotiation, compromise, sharing and respect are the foundation to not only bonding with someone but living with them successfully. Sure, we can all fall in love and operate on our emotions for a brief time. That doesn’t take anything but animal instinct. But it takes learning to communicate well, learning to respect others, and learning to share and be kind for a healthy, longterm relationship.

9. I learned that for most of my life I was operating on my Emotions. I made decisions with my emotions. Just like my mother, and most of our society said. “You will know in your heart…” and that’s what I did. I based decisions on my heart, not my head. HUGE mistake. We are given both a brain and a heart and we need to use both. I never knew what that was like until I actually applied it and experienced it. Making decisions with your brain, not just your emotions,  takes different strategy. It takes writing out lists of what is logically the right thing to do, versus the wrong. It takes calculating, strategizing, and it takes recognizing and facing RED FLAGS. The emotional side of us wants nothing to do with red flags. The logical side only focuses on the red flags. When you are using BOTH your brain and your heart to make decisions, you don’t have that confused “should I stay or should I go” feeling. You are in perfect alignment and both your head and heart are happy, not pulled and frustrated.

10. I learned that I was, indeed, capable of change. But it wasn’t when I had hit my “bottom” or when I became so sick and tired of my life and the way I was living it. I was like that almost from the beginning and I never got anywhere. Reading one book after another on love and relationships was just another way to avoid facing the real issue! It was ONLY when I decided to take ACTION that real change occurred. Instead of staying in my head, dreaming of change, instead of reading yet another self-help book about how to break my addiction to a PoA, I got up and actually DID SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE that had nothing to do with the PoA. And it wasn’t exactly what I thought it should be (action to get rid of the PoA).It was to start working on facing my underlying fear of working and doing and being a grown up. And when I did that, there was no need anymore for the PoA.Sometimes we focus so much on what seems to be the “big problem” in our lives (our addiction to someone) that we cannot see that there is another, deeper, more costly problem occurring. That we are denying ourselves an authentic life.

We don’t live forever. Where do you see yourself in 2 years? Five years? What haven’t you accomplished in this life that you always wanted to accomplish? What are your fears? What are they keeping you from achieving?

 

Know thyself

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Instability

Instability (Photo credit: cliff1066™)

One of the biggest characteristics of Love Addicts (or any addict for that matter) is that we do not know who we are. Sure, we may know what we look like, what foods we like, what TV shows we like, where we live, etc. But I am talking about knowing oneself on a much deeper, well-rounded level. One of the reasons we don’t know ourselves so well is because we have been avoiding ourselves. We use our addiction as a way to escape the inevitability of growing up and knowing ourselves deeply.

Another reason is that we simply see ourselves wrongly. We “imagine” being one way when in reality we are something else. This is a very normal state if you’re a teenager. When you’re a teen, you’re supposed to be dreaming up the person you want to be. But the inevitable next step is to try to become the person you want to be. This is where I think many people get stuck.

Here’s a story.

When I was a kid, it was evident that I loved to write. So, my mother told me, “you are a writer.” I also saw that my father was an artist and a music, as was my mother and many other family members. So, when I grew up, I took on their definition of me. I loved being an artist, I loved the artist’s life and most of the men I went after had some unique, artistic twist to their personality. Thing is, I was ALWAYS frustrated within the lifestyle. Artists tend to be impulsive, unstable people. Many are immature and narcissistic, putting their art and music first. Some are addicts. The older I got the less I liked the idea of dating an artist. But I was one, wasn’t I? ANd this was the pool that I needed to draw from, wasn’t it? But the answer to those questions was no. More than an artist, I was a woman who loved family, stability and a place where I could go where there were no drugs or avoidance of growing up. I had two small children and I wanted to be around responsible, financially stable people! As boring as that sounded to me, THAT’S WHO I WAS. I was, after all, not like my parents. And while I still had within me the artist’s soul, that did not mean I had to live and breath in that world.

I also used to think of myself has highly unstable, until one day, a close friend of mine said, “you’re one of the most stable people I know!” And she listed my qualities. I tend to like to stay home at nights, I am always on time, I never miss events that I have promised to attend, etc. Here, I thought I was incapable of all those things, but I was not.

These realizations came to me late in life. And so, I’ve tried to put together a list of traits that you can use to ask yourself if you know these areas of yourself. The more you know about YOU the clearer you know what you want (and who you want) closest to you!

  • Level of tolerance: What is your level of tolerance for certain things like drugs, drinking, immaturity, avoidance of responsibility, mistake making. Take a look at the people around you. Is it very difficult of easy to put up with certain characteristics?
  • Are you serious or not so serious? I found that I was a very serious person on the inside, and that I felt most comfortable when I was with people who “lightened” me up and were playful.
  • What class are you? It would be nice if you could turn a blind eye to class. In a perfect world this may be possible, but not now. How did you grow up? Rich? Poor? Middle class? Blue collar? White collar? Silver spoon? Sometimes (like the fantasy story of the Prince and the Pauper) we date outside our class. But this may cause problems and uncomfortable situations. I dated a guy who came from a much more privileged home than I and I felt hugely uncomfortable and insecure. I also dated a man who had no class and was very poor. As much as I loved him, I found myself unable to tolerate some of his habits. I overlooked it for so long because I didn’t want to be superficial. But now I see it differently. We tend to be most comfortable within our own class. That’s NOT to say you can’t have a healthy relationship outside your own class. But it is something to consider. What is your level of tolerance for class-related issues?
  • Do you like stability or instability? I always thought I preferred a more unstable life. But when I looked at how stable I designed my own world, I realized that safety, security, reliability and simplicity were the stronger qualities in myself. This is not surprising. My life as a child was very chaotic. We moved 14 times in 20 years. SO, although I was attracted to people who were living wild, dramatic, chaotic lives (because they reminded me of my childhood), I didn’t like that lifestyle one bit!
  • Are you a control freak or can you go with the flow? So often I would date men that were non-commital. They’d make plans vaguely. Maybe we would get together on this date. And when they wouldn’t call or show up, I was insanely upset. Everyone told me to lighten up. “Go with the flow” they said. But I soon learned, that wasn’t me. I needed to find someone who was as much a planner as I was. Someone who valued reliability and a more controlled atmosphere (but not so controlling that we couldn’t be spontaneous every once in a while). Know what makes you feel more comfortable and stick with like-minded people.
  • Level of education. Obviously you know your level of education. But how important is it that you surround yourself with people who share your same level of education?
  • Religious views/beliefs. People are usually passionate about their religious views, whether they passionately belief in one religion or passionately believe they want nothing to do with any religion. Some people don’t care. Where do you fall on the scale and how important to you is it that others share your same beliefs?
  • What is your financial health. Can you take care of yourself? Are you looking for someone to take care of you? Or do you like to be independent? When I was younger, I was very dependent upon my husband to take care of me. Because I was so dependent, I had to put up with things I didn’t particularly like. And let’s face, when you’re dependent, you’re trapped. After I went back to school and began working, I realized I despised being dependent upon another person for my security, and so I eventually came to know that being financially stable and earning my own money was mandatory to my personality.
  • Are you a caretaker because you like taking care of people or do you secretly want to control other, or be taken care of yourself. Are you a Mother Theresa or a full-fledged co-dependent?
  • What is your comfort level when it concerns intimacy? How close do you like to be to people? How much space or “alone time” do you need? We can be very attracted to certain people because we inherently know they will give us lots of emotional space (because we cannot handle too much). But the drawback is that sometimes they give us too much space. Know your level of intimacy and what you are most comfortable with.
  • Get to know other smaller but significant things about yourself:  are you a morning person, a night person, are you generally positive or negative, do you like healthy food, or junk food, where do you see yourself in 5, 10 years, what are 10 things you can’t live without, with whom are happiest (not including the PoA and sentences that resemble “I would be happiest with _____ IF ONLY HE/SHE WOULD (fill in the blanks)” )

Learning to let go

Posted on by l0velyjune
4

When I was a kid I had what many kids have– a security blanket. I also sucked my thumb and had a goofy-looking teddy bear I creatively named “Teddy.” And while I was able to get rid of the thumb sucking and the teddybear, I was unable to let go of the blanket. In fact, it followed me well into my married life. I slept with it nightly.  And it served one of the most important roles of any object around the house– it comforted me when I was sad or angry or upset or in pain. I would roll it up in a ball and press my face into it and touch the binding. And lo and behold, it worked. It calmed me down.

Unfortunately, as I got older I learned to cling to more destructive things– smoking cigarettes, food, people, shopping. These things all served the same purpose. To comfort me. Yet there was a paradox. The more I clung to these things to comfort me, the more uncomfortable, out of control and painful my life became.

Relationships are a perfect example. No matter how real and fulfilling the relationship was for a time, if it had come to its end for whatever reason, I needed to respect that end, not try to emotionally (or physically) drag it out, which I was doing. The trouble was, I had made the relationship not only my security blanket but the be all and end all of my existence. It was the entity which validated me, comforted me, defined me, saved me. And while every good relationship can and should be considered a comfort, it should not be considered something that saves, validates, completes or defines us. That’s when we seem to get into trouble. And that’s when we hurt the most if the relationship ends.

HOw so? Well, when we cling to a relationship that is clearly over, we sabotage ourselves. Sure, the relationship may have been beautiful at one point. But when we do not let it go or respect the passing of it, we do great damage to the self and stunt our growth. It’s like mourning the dead for too long, or worse, having a relationship with them. We deny ourselves a true present. And we fail to take care of that deep human need in us to be loved–not by others, but by ourselves.

But in order to let go, we need to know why we are hanging on.

My thoughts on this are simple. We hang on because we don’t believe we have anything else. We don’t believe we can do better, or find someone that will accept us or love us with what we believed was the best love imaginable.  And most importantly, we fail to recognize that we–ourselves alone–were so much more than the relationship and still are. The relationship ended, we did not. Also,  we hang on because we do not (nor possibly ever did) have a clear sense of the actual health of the relationship. Wanting the relationship to work more than wanting to face the truth puts us in a position of denial. But, if we are to be brutally honest with ourselves, the relationship might not have been a healthy one, it may have been broken in spots that could not be fixed. This, in no way, means we have to beat ourselves about how we lived through the relationship. But we do have to be honest and face a truth that we might not want to face, NOW. Facing the truth, and not holding on to a fantasy, helps in the healing process and helps us to move on.

Finally, it happens often with relatively healthy people too, but when it comes to relationships, some people give everything away. They sacrifice their identity and become the other, they give up their hobbies to follow the other’s hobbies, and they lose themselves almost completely to the relationship. When and if the relationship ends, what do they have left of themselves? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done this. I proudly called myself a chameleon.  And for what? Looking back, I find it strange that I was so proud of having no identity of my own and could change so easily to fit into the lifestyle of whomever I was dating.

When I was a teenager, I spent a summer working on the boardwalk down the shore. I sold t-shirts for a young, but wise Israeli man named Eyal. I had fallen in love with another of my co-workers, and at the end of the summer, when he went back home, I was devastated. I felt like my whole world blew up in my face and I had nothing. Everything that was important in my life was gone. Eyal and I talked about this one night and he said this: “There is an old, Israeli saying that when you fall in love,  give everything to the other person, but keep three finger for yourself. This way, when you fall,” and he made pretend that he was falling to the ground, ”you have something to catch you so that you can get back up again.   And he held up his hand with three fingers.

Where are your three fingers? Have you given them away in this past relationship? Do you feel like you have nothing to stand on? Guess what, you still have them! Find them and stand up again. When you do, it makes letting go a lot easier.

For a great blog on “letting go” try this one from tiny buddha.

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Decisions are a girls best friend

Posted on by l0velyjune
4

Do you have issues with making decisions? DO you feel as though you can never seem to make the right decision?

One of the main jobs of being a healthy adult is to make decisions. In fact, there is a saying, “More than doers, we are deciders.” And this quote couldn’t be more helpful when it comes to love addicts (or any addict for that matter). The reason I say that is because we love addicts tend to do before we think. We tend to be doers, not deciders. We act impulsively, we make decisions based on our emotions, or our fantasies, we even allow our inner child to “get behind the wheel,” as Susan Peabody always says. And while this is a great way to live and experience the world when you are a child or a teenager, it’s not a great way to live as an adult. In fact, it’s downright irresponsible and careless. I have a lifetime of bad relationships and mistake as proof, and I am sure many of you might feel the same way.

But in order to go from being a poor decision-maker (Hey, look at that guy laden with red flags, he just winked at me, he must like me, maybe he’s the “One” I’ll go for it!) to being a good decision-maker (Hey, look at that guy laden with red flags, he just winked at me, he must like me, I think I will AVOID that one because I deserve more than he can offer…”) certain lessons must be learned.

During my path, it took a while, but I learned the following lessons that helped me become a better decision maker. If you have lessons of your own, please share! Here are mine:

1.) I used to make decisions based on what others thought and felt of me (he is showing me attention, whether I like him or not, I should date him). Now I base decisions on what I think and feel (I am flattered that you like me and are showing me attention, but I’m not interested).

2. I used to make decisions based on no sense of right or wrong. I would overlook all kinds of red flags and flaws (OK, so he has a drinking problem, that might go away. I will date him any way because he’s cute.” Now I make decision based on my VALUES (I will never date anyone that drinks alcohol too heavily, so I will not date this person even though he is cute.)

3. I used to make decisions regardless of items of importance or significance (If someone was good looking or had chemistry, that was more important than the fact that he constantly cheated on past girlfriends). Now I make decisions based on a hierarchy of important items (Looks are secondary to a man who has values, respect and virtue.

4. I used to make decisions in a split second, without thinking. I believe my first impulse was correct. I was so wrong. My first impulse was almost always wrong! Now I take my time before I decide anything. 

5. I used to believe I had to make a decision (you either commit to me or not!) Now I recognize that sometimes it’s OK to not make any decision (the world is not black and white, I don’t have an answer right now and therefore, do not feel the need to make a decision.)

6. I used to base my decisions on my emotions (my heart says “He’s the one!”). Now I base decisions on both my head and my heart and weight the importance of both (My heart says “He’s the one,” but my head says he lies too much and he’s too avoidant for the long haul, so I will have to cut my losses and move on.”)

7. I used to panic at the thought of making the “right” decision and so I would make a decision blindly, without thinking (Who cares what I decide! I’ll probably suffer anyway.) Now I know that it takes a little more effort and work to come to the “right” decision and it may not always be right, but I assess my risks and try to make the “best” decision (Writing lists, taking time to think about the positives and negatives and knowing that you are WORTH making a good decision helps).

8. I used to make decisions based on no knowledge of a subject or a refusal to look at the reality of a situation (I made decisions about relationships based on my fantasy of that person). Now, I am less afraid.  I make decision based on the truth and what is real (I no longer close my eyes to the truth, even though what I see I may not like and it may mean I will have to give up a potential new relationship, at least I making a clear, wide-eyed decision).

I would like to add too that learning to make good decisions on your own will give you good practice for when you need to make decisions, problem solve and negotiate with a partner. So, see these lessons as important stepping stones that will make you a more well-rounded, conscientious person within a relationship. 

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Valentine’s Day for survivors

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

If you’re anything like me the “V” word is one of those words that,  when seen dangling ubiquitously in all its red and pink glory in the window of every card shop in town kinda makes you want to vomit. In fact, it may even bring up nightmarish flashbacks from youth…checking your mailbox daily to see if there was a card from a secret admirer waiting inside, just for you—only to find nothing but your parents’ junk mail and a couple of bills.

During my teenage years, Valentine’s Day should have been called Rejection Day. One of the fundraising groups in high school had a yearly Valentine’s drive. A couple weeks before February 14th you could pay a dollar and buy a chocolate rose on a lollipop stick for your sweetheart so that on V-day it would be delivered by hand during homeroom. For four years straight I had to sit through this ritual of watching chocolate sticks with little love notes be delivered to cheerleaders, football players and other more popular types, while I sat at my empty desk, pretending to study for a test I didn’t have, feeling the swoosh of movement every time the delivery kid would pass me by.

In my twenties, it was much the same. I dated guys whose idea of Valentine’s Day was to break up with their girlfriend—me—before the holiday ever arrived. Or, if I had been halfway lucky to date a decent fellow, I may have received a carnation from the local convenience store. But never much else. No dinners out, no jokey porn gifts, no red hearts or box of chocolates. Mostly, I was alone on this holiday, and forced, like much of society, to sit on the sidelines like a wallflower at a dance, watching shmoopy couples exchange tokens of love and celebrate something which was as foreign to me as a trip to the moon.

Even during my seven-year marriage I can’t say Valentine’s Day had ever become a day to look forward to. In my mind, I had high expectations. I wanted everything I had been denied all those previous dating years. I wanted to be showered with gifts, taken out to fancy restaurants. And I wanted the pop of the champagne cork to explode like fireworks of love and adoration. None of that happened. My ex-husband was from a foreign country and lacked the cultural knowledge it took to celebrate Valentine’s day the American way. Sure, I taught him that this is what you buy and this is what you do and this is the way this day is supposed to go. But it wasn’t the same. It’s never the same when you have go out and buy the flowers and chocolates yourself, wrap them up, then give them to your husband and say, “Here. Give these to me tomorrow, along with this card and then, tell me you love me.”

So, it’s no wonder that after years of crushed expectations, when I finally did find a really great guy who knew the meaning of a flower, a kiss and a card, I couldn’t appreciate it anyway. In fact, by this point, it disgusted me. I had become so beaten down by the yearly rejection of the day that even though I was with a loving man, the thought of celebrating it left me feeling a little nauseous and avoidant to say the least.

Absolutely no flowers, please. I don’t appreciate them, I said. And I don’t like chocolate. Please don’t get me any. Forget about dinner. We’ll order Chinese and eat in. And there’s no way we’re having sex tonight, just because it’s Valentine’s Day. Too cliché and expected. Nope. No way.

I had adapted so well to not celebrating this holiday, that I had brought myself to a point of not being able to celebrate it. More interestingly, was that I had an “us vs. them” mentality. Over the years I had taken to protesting the commercialism of Valentine’s cards, gifts and other mass-produced junk that society forced upon us all. Anyone who willingly celebrated—my lovely boyfriend—was the enemy. He had had great experiences celebrating Valentine’s Day. He was popular in high school, always had a girlfriend and did all the things associated with the formal celebration of love. How would our relationship be able to survive this vast disparity? February 14th would forever be a day that made apparent the coming together of the haves (him) and have-nots (me).

But, as it turned out, he didn’t want to celebrate it either.

“Why in God’s name not?” I assumed his “type” celebrated this holiday with fervor as if it were their official day of tribute.

“Because it’s a cheesy holiday for when you’re young; it’s not really for adults,” he said.

“A cheesy holiday?” This didn’t make sense. “You mean, Valentine’s Day is not the end all and be all of your existence?”

“Nope. It’s just a cheesy holiday spurred on by great marketing from Hallmark and chocolate companies.”

We had something in common. We both believed the day was one big marketing scam.

But it did make sense that he could think it was “cheesy.” He had the luxury of thinking this way. When you’re able to partake in a cultural tradition year after year as a normal, healthy part of growing up and coming of age, you’re free to let it go when you’re older. It’s allowed to become “cheesy.” But when it’s been denied you for many years, it tends to take on this larger-than-life significance, something you desperately want, or something that, in my case, is so out of reach, you end up protecting yourself against it with an abnormal aversion.

Needless to say, it’s not a very celebrated holiday in our house. If we do anything at all, we exchange books. And maybe, just maybe, we go out to dinner, not exactly on the 14th, but thereabouts. But, I have lightened up over the whole V-day thing. It’s not high on its pedestal like it used to be when I was a girl, nor do I have an abnormal aversion to it anymore like I did in my twenties and thirties. The dog bit me so long ago that I can no longer find the scar. And yet, one thing’s for sure. Chocolate roses on lollipop stick and carnations are officially banned. Every girl, after all, has her breaking point.

So…if you’re the type to have either an unnatural, extreme dislike of Valentine’s day, or an unrealistic desperate need to celebrate it, here are a few fun facts to help put things in perspective, or simply help you maintain your sense of self worth and happiness in the face of all the shmoopiness around you.

Ick!

Fact: There are approximately 96.6 million unmarried, single, divorced or widowed Americans in the U.S., which equals 43% of the population over 18-years old.

Fact: 31.7 million people in the United States live alone.

Fact: Statistically speaking, single people are happier. “Dr. DePaulo, author of Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After says there is no truth to studies that show married people are healthier and happier than singles. Instead, the method is flawed and doesn’t take into account the divorced. Other studies that have followed people for 20 years from the age of 16 show that the respondents become slightly happier around the time of the wedding and then return to being as happy or unhappy as they were when they were single. “So they get a little honeymoon effect. It doesn’t last,” she says. “The averages are not consistent with our myths about happily ever after.” After evaluating many of these surveys for over a decade, she finds that “the single people are always on the happy end of the scale.”

Fact: “Antivalentinism is an objection to the “forced” observation of romantic love and/or consumerism. The criticism of forced observation of romantic love is based on the idea that if a person is forced by culture to profess or observe their love to another (especially on a universally agreed-upon day), or else suffer within the relationship as a consequence of not doing so, then there is no free will in said expression and thus it is not love.”

Fact: Japanese females believe that store-bought chocolate is not a gift of true love.

Fact: In India, public display of affection is a criminal offense with a punishment of imprisonment of up to three months, or a fine, or both.

Fact: Valentine’s day is named after one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentine and was established by Pope Gelasius I in 500 AD. It was deleted from the Roman calendar of saints in 1969 by Pope Paul VI, but its religious observance is still permitted.

Fact: No romantic elements are present in the original early medieval biographies of either of the two martyrs named Valentine.

Fact: In Saudi Arabia, in 2002 and 2008, religious police banned the sale of all Valentine’s Day items.

Fact: According to Hallmark, Christmas is the largest card-sending holiday in the United States with approximately 1.5 billion cards sent annually, not Valnetine’s Day.

Fact: One in four Americans does not celebrate Valentine’s Day at all.

Fact: The most popular recipients of Valentine’s Day cards are Teachers.