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Dating Daddy?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Little girls love their dads. And if they’re lucky, their dad’s love them right back in a healthy, safe, abundant way. And so, when girls grow up and go out into the world of dating, they look for that man. It’s the only man they know, really. For a very long time. And whether he be the perfect guy or not, compatibility-wise, it doesn’t matter. That’s the guy every girl wants. Eventually, if a father and daughter have a healthy relationship, the daughter will feel safe enough to realize that her dad’s not going anywhere, he’ll always be there for her, and so, she is free to find someone that suits her personality and type a little better, without the guilt of feeling like she’s abandoning her dad. And so, she stops looking for her father in everyone she dates and that gives her the freedom to find a heathy partner.

That, to me, is the ideal if you had a healthy dad. But what if you didn’t?

What if, like me, you had a father who was neglectful, avoidant and also addicted to drugs and alcohol. Who was a narcissist. A gambler. And a sex addict. A man who was more into making money and becoming rich than having an adult relationship with his children.

Well, you love that man too! How could you not. He is the first, the only man you know. And so when you grow up, you go out into the world and look for that type of man. BUT, what if you had a mother who warned you incessantly not to find a man who was an alcoholic? You’re getting two messages and you are open to choosing which one is right for you. So, without feeling like you are betraying your dad, you go out and find men just like him, but who don’t drink. Problem solved, right?

Wrong.

Because now comes the point where a healthy person would say, “I love my dad, but in spite of that, his personality doesn’t mesh with mine, and so, I need to let him go because he’ll always be there for me, and this will allow me the freedom to find someone who is more compatible for me. But YOU can’t say it. Because you know that if you abandon your dad, he will not come back. You know if you find another “type” of guy, your dad will disappear forever and that scares the crap out of you. So…whether your dad’s type is good for you or not, you try to find him in every man you meet.

I did this myself for years, without realizing it. Almost every guy I ever dated was avoidant or addicted or just plain weird. And when they weren’t, they scared me to death and I ran.  And despite the fact that they never looked like my dad or drank (I thought I was so clever) they were indeed treating me the same way he did.

Eventually, when I started to do a lot of soul searching and recovery from love addiction,  I realized something: as children we have no choice in what parents we get. We get what we get. And whether that person be a loving father or an avoidant, mean, abusive or neglectful father…we STILL LOVE HIM, unconditionally. Until, of course, we get older. Then we get angry and withdrawal etc. But the child in us simply LOVES people no matter who they are, and as adults, if we do not grow up with loving parents, we learn that it’s OK to love avoidant, neglectful, drug addicted people because, heck, we’ve been doing it all our lives. That it feels frustrating to us, is just part of the equation!

But, it doesn’t have to be!

We need to realize that it’s OK to let dad go. And that he will still be there, just not as we would like. He will still be the neglectful, avoidant dad you always had, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Except this: find someone who isn’t like him. To begin to make this change, it has to come from your brain and the way you think. You have to start to believe that it’s NOT OK to accept avoidant, neglectful people in your life. It means that YOU yourself must be committed to higher expectations (even though that’s scary). And it also means that, while a child cannot choose her parent, an adult CAN CHOOSE what mate he or she has. Being with neglectful people doesn’t feel good! It doesn’t make you happy! You didn’t like to experience when it came from your parents, so why drag that yucky feeling into your adulthood?! Why on earth would we CHOOSE the same kind of character as an avoidant parent if it didn’t work for us as kids? That sort of frustration and loneliness does NOT go with the territory of love. It may have been what you learned, but I am telling you, you had bad teachers.

Here’s something else. The child in you inherently believed it was OK to love your parents unconditionally, no matter what they did to you. A child loves unconditionally for survival. And because she doesn’t know any better. But as adults, we cannot love this way or we’d always be in grave danger. For example, most of us have the condition that we will not date anyone who has murdered someone else. That would be preposterous, right? And yet, we tend not to think of it as a condition of a relationship, but it is. Just an extreme one. What about the condition that you will not continue to date someone that hits you, or cheats on you or is married? Not as extreme as murder, but now we’re getting into an area where more people would overlook that condition, while others wouldn’t. How about the condition that you will not continue to date someone who ignores you? Ouch. Most of us lack this condition. It is here where we say to ourselves, “I need to love him unconditionally.” This belief in “unconditional love” is 100% FALSE. We all have conditions, some of us just don’t have enough!

We must set conditions (I also call them values, or expectations) for everyone we meet. You have them already and probably don’t know about them because you never gave it much thought. But the truth is we learned from our parents how to set our conditions, our values and our expectations of others. And if your parents were neglectful, abusive, unloving, you learned to accept those conditions. Well, guess what, if you want to get healthier, it’s time to add a few more conditions. For more on this read More on Values, and Unconditional Love.

Lastly, I am glad that you realize that you’re own sense of availability is at play here. When you grow up with an unavailable parent, there’s little to no expectations put on you for intimacy. You didn’t learn it and others certainly didn’t expect it from you. If that’s the case, all the meditation and mindfulness in the world won’t help. You need to, instead, take an inventory of your friends and start to see what kind of friendships you have. Are they longterm? Solid? Loving? Intense? Short-term? Happy? Fraught with difficult? Are they intimate???? However your friendship are, that is a window into how your romantic relationships might be. If you’re not happy with the state of your friendships, it’s time to work on them. If you are happy with your friendship, it’s time to put your romantic expectations on the same level.

Lastly (really lastly this time), when we are addicted, when we are obsessed, when we ruminate, it’s not so much as a way to “cope” with our relationship as it is a way to avoid ourselves, avoid our fear, avoid growing up. All that drama and obsession and hyper-focus on the relationship or the person, does what? Does it bring you any closer? No. What it DOES do is DISTRACT you from your crummy, lonely, sad, unfulfilling life. And that is what this is all about. The void you think you feel and how to fill it.

Are you diving into a shallow pool?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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When we want something bad enough, and we’re in a hurry to achieve it, get it, feel it, secure it, we sometimes put blinders on, and dive in. Our desire for immediate gratification can be all encompassing depending how hungry we are.  And with Valentine’s day tomorrow, this could mean rushing out to find “the one” within the next 24-hours. Loneliness, in fact, is one of the major motivators for risky behaviors. But, sadly, it never pays to dive into something quickly and blindly.

Here’s a rather ugly metaphor for what I’m talking about:

You are told by a stranger that there’s a pool at someone’s house in town. You LOVE, love, love swimming and you haven’t swum in years, so, without missing a beat, or asking any questions except “where’s the pool?” you run home, get your bathing suit, your towel, your sun block, your goggles and head on over to the address. 

On the way over, you envision the water, the warm air, how wonderful the rush of the plunge will feel against your skin. You fantasize about how good it will all be–just the way you remember it. Maybe you’ll do laps. Maybe you’ll do the butterfly. Or the side stroke. Oh, the possibilities! It’s been so long!!!

You finally arrive at the door of the owner, knock, meet and say, “I’d love to use your swimming pool.” But before waiting for his answer, you waltz right passed him to his back yard. Without actually looking at the pool though, and sizing it up, you then proceed to put a pair of blinders on. You feel your way to the diving board, bounce a few times with exhilaration…and then….jump into a shallow, dirty pool of water and not only break two arms and a leg, but your nose as well. 

How could this have happened, you think? How could I have dove into this filthy shallow water when I “envisioned” the water so perfectly?

This, of course, is a rather far flung story, and yet, the love addict does this every time he or she gets involved in a relationship. We fall helplessly in love–some of us within hours–only to later realize that the object of our affection was a shallow pool and now that are blinders are off, we are broken.

When we are willing to put blinders on and turn our lives and our safety over to someone we do not know well enough, it’s because the “fantasy” for a perfect love far outweighs the importance of what is real. And what is real might be too ugly or scary for us. So…we close our eyes, we throw caution to the wind and we dive in. Chances are when we do that, there will be enough water in the pool to catch us. But when we are blind, how can we be sure? We can’t, because there’s no guarantee UNLESS we make such a big decision with our eyes wide open, fully aware.

My advice:

  • Take your blinders off. When you refuse to LOOK at things as they are, you run the risk of diving into a shallow or empty pool!
  • Stop the “fantasy” in your head telling you that that guy you just met online is your soul mate. He’s not. At least you have no way of knowing that until you spend months, YEARS getting to know him first.
  • Be open to seeing, acknowledging and, if necessary, taking action toward avoid people with red flags (don’t just avoid the flag! Avoid the person waving the flag!!!)
  • Use common sense when dating. Would you dive into a pool blind-folded? No. Then why go home with someone on the first date? It’s the same thing. Why allow your emotions to lead you to the sensation of “falling in love” when you just met someone? That’s not realistic. You may feel a chemical “attraction” to someone immediately, but don’t confuse that with LOVE. It’s NOT!
  • Ask the right questions. Don’t just ask “where’s the address of the pool” ask if the pool actually has WATER. In other words, when you are dating, don’t just focus on a person’s good looks, or pick up lines. A relationship takes a long time to form and while I don’t suggest interviewing anyone on a first date about all the skeletons in their closet, it might be a good idea to think of dating someone as taking a college class. Educate yourself about this person through a series of dates. Don’t be afraid to hear info like, “I’m already dating someone.” WHen you Value yourself and love yourself, chances are you will want to protect yourself from getting hurt. Learn as much about the people who enter into your life as you can. The more you know, the better you will be able to make decisions about  keeping them in your life or letting them go.
  • Never trust your fantasy. In your mind Jack the Ripper or Charles Manson could be turned into the perfect mate if you’re creative enough (and trust me, love addicts are!). When you open yourself to reality and what is right in front of you, you can SEE the truth, and while it might not be what you want it to be, it is real and will allow you to make healthy decisions.

Donut or apple? How will you choose?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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There is a truth that you will need to accept, grasp, understand, make peace with and use as tool to move you forward, if you want to recover. That truth is this: We love and allow hurtful people into our lives because the hope and need of being loved far outweighs the need for taking care of ourselves. Why is that so? Well, chances are we learned that our parents didn’t take very good care of themselves, so why should we? We also learned that impulsivity feels better immediately. So, why wait?

It’s like choosing a donut over an apple. We make that choice by virtue of what our parents taught us. We make that choice based on our own internal perception of who we think we are. Are we a person who’s little voice inside their head says: Who cares about me or my health?! Let’s have fun and party now! I just want the immediate gratification of that donut!!!! Or does that voice inside our head say, My body is a temple. I really don’t want to pollute it. I’ll have a donut every once in a while, but I prefer to be good to my body and so, I choose the apple. When we choose the donut day, after day, three to five times a day, what happens? We become overweight, unhealthy; we may even become stricken with a preventable disease like diabetes. When we choose the apple, we live a longer, healthier life and we live with the pride in knowing we took care of our health. It’s the same with love addiction, only, we’re choosing the donut.

So, how do you go from a diet of donuts, cookies, fast food and junk–stuff that might taste really good, but doesn’t do a darn thing for us–to one of fruits,veggies, nuts and seeds that can literally transform our entire being???

The answer is both simple and complex.

When you want to make a change of any kind, you need to change the way you BELIEVE in something. In order to give up the junk food, you have to train your brain to believe that fake, orange cheese in a can is NOT FOOD, and while it may taste good to you now, it is a trick. When you’re a love addict you need to train your brain to believe that the PoA is NOT FOOD FOR YOUR SOUL. He might feel good for a minute or two, but it’s a trick. He will do the same amount of damage as the can of cheeze wiz.

When you recover and want to date people who are good and healthy for you, you must learn to give up the need for immediate gratification for love and protection from someone else. When you do that, and you take your time searching for someone healthier and the priority changes from expecting love from an outside source to protecting yourself and enjoying your life as it is now, only then will you start to allow healthier people into your life. This takes longer, it’s harder to do, and it’s not instant (even if you have chemistry!) It takes putting down that deliciously tempting donut and having an apple instead.

Getting to that point is hard too. Some people see no value in deferred gratification. They see no value in the apple. But sometimes what it takes is detoxing from all the sugar and sweets you’ve been eating so you can finally see clearly! What I mean by that is this: when we are getting a hit of the PoA (person of addiction), we only know the value of that immediate pleasure that comes after days, weeks or months of pain and agony from abuse, neglect or suffering. And so we get brainwashed or trained into recognizing that our pain is temporary because there will be a hit of pleasure, no matter how small, at some point, if we just hang on. To get out of that cycle and retrain your brain to believe there is a different way to exist is very difficult. But there are two ways this can happen:

  • If you’re lucky, you could be struck with a life-altering experience that changes you. The complete rejection of an avoidant PoA, the death of a family member or friend, hitting bottom, seeing the light, and so on, are all examples of an outside force that propels us to change.
  • If you’re not so lucky, you have to follow the harder route: changing your belief system from within. That takes months and possibly years of reading about recovery, reading about your addiction, learning new ways to live, to think and to be. It takes finding a better model of love and copying that. It takes giving up your old, unhealthy ways by learning to replace them with healthier ways. It takes many months of being alone, of trying to figure it out, of making sacrifices.

Eventually what happens is you start to see more value in the apple than the donut. You start to see more value in healthy people than you do in the “bad boy.”

When I was younger, I ate french toast and pancakes for breakfast. I ate donuts like there was no tomorrow. McDonald’s was on my list of places to eat at least three times a week! And since I never got fat or felt any negative reaction from all the junk I ate, what did I care? Only when I got older and wiser did I start to see the damage I was doing. Only when I got wiser and love myself more did I realize that much of what I was doing was having a dangerous affect on the parts of me that could not be seen. The same wisdom came to me regarding my love addiction as well. I finally realized the truth! We love and allow hurtful people (and things) into our lives because the hope and need of being loved and having immediate gratification far outweighs the need for taking care of ourselves over the long haul. This idea must change if we are to change.

So…start to see the value and the power in that little apple. Choose substance over taste. Your life depends on it.

Where is she now, in 2013?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Me, a couple days ago, standing on our lake.

Me, a couple days ago, standing on our lake.

One of the things that I don’t always write about on my blog or on the forums is where I stand now in recovery, in my life and with my relationships. I think we (me included) tend to think a person who recovered X amount of years ago is all better. They’re done.  ”Nothin’ more to see here, folks.” And while I personally believe that’s partly true, it’s not entirely true. It’s always good to do an inventory to see if you’ve reached goals. And to remind yourself of what recovery is, so that you stick to it!

I liken the experience of recovery to growing up, and becoming an adult. Because let’s face it, that is, essentially, what recovery is. When you are not recovered and you are in the throes of your addiction, you’re acting out, avoiding life and responsibility as a child would, and ultimately refusing to grow up. When you recover, you pass through the stages of psychological development and hopefully reach your potential, whatever that may be. SO, while you are not growing at such a rapid rate anymore, as an adult (as a recovered person), you are still making choices about your life, you are still choosing roads and you are still deciding what kind of perspective you would like to hold on to at any given juncture in your life. A successful recovery, therefore, means that you find your identity, you learn how to be intimate, you begin to contribute to the world and you feel a sense of accomplishment in your life.

But here’s the tricky part…

Can even the healthiest among us know the entirety of their  identities when an identity is a constantly evolving human experience?

And can anyone really experience intimacy to the fullest, once and for all, despite the fact that people change all the time, and close up and bottle up and the open up again?

And must we reach a definitive point in our lives where we only contribute to the world, and no longer have occasional bouts of weakness where we must once again be the takers?

And despite feeling a sense of accomplishment for certain achievements, is it possible (or necessary) to feel a sense of accomplishment for every darn thing?

I guess what I am saying, is that while advanced recovery teaches you to not make critical mistakes anymore and gives you the tools to live an overall healthier life, you still face the human experience, you still must evolve and make decisions, you still must take risks and make mistakes, and you still must deal with other people who push your buttons, who challenge you, and who create in you a sense of wonder. So, while I no longer deal with the concept of PoAs or addiction, or doing horribly regretful things, I do deal with procrastination, avoidance of work, challenges within my own personality conflicting with others, challenges with my expectations of others (namely people I work with or family members) and from time to time frustration, boredom, anger, blame, and (my most recent) lack of interest in my job–after working to the point of near exhaustion from June to end of December, I collapsed and have been sick nearly the whole month of January. I want nothing to do with work and I am instead more interested in doing laundry and dishes!

Here’s more. Personally, I think I will always deal with my lack of ambition. I probably could have been far more successful than I am, but I never had any ambition, nor did I have a focus. I think I will always deal with my own version of ADHD in that, I can get bored with the direction I am heading in and change. And because of that change, I end up starting all over again. At the beginning.

Lastly, I wish I were better at spending less money.

So, at the moment, work and money is not working for me. That is where I am struggling. Should I continue with this particular volunteer work, or should I let it go? And if I do let it go, what will be the consequences?

On the flip side, my relationship with D has been wonderful. Aside from the past month where we were both sick and miserable with the flu, and a bit short with each other, our overall relationship is right where I’d hope it’d be after 4 years. My feelings for him still grow. He still amazes me with his kindness, love and respect. ANd I still have deep emotions for him, backed by the fact that he never hurts me. When you find someone who you love and trust and who shares your same values,  AND they never hurt you, the relationship becomes such a healing one! Are we lovey-dovey and shmoopy every day? Hell, no. He makes too much noise at night when I am trying to sleep. He’s oversensitive about my tone of voice (I’m Italian! I’m a little louder than the average girl!) He more often than not feeds his kids junk food. But these are issues I can handle! We are planning our wedding for August 24th, 2013.

My relationship with my kids is also strong. I am growing prouder and prouder of their accomplishments and the men they are growing into (well, they are still boys!). I spend lots of time with them and they mean the world to me. Do they act out and whine about cleaning up their rooms and doing chores? Yes! Every day. Do they get straight As; are they picture perfect students? No (well, the youngest one is!). Do I spoil them? Probably a little bit. But I am learning to let go and let them grow up in a healthy environment. I am creating a peaceful, loving world for them, and for that, I am proud.

My health and diet is going well. I decided to lose a few pounds back in October, and I accomplished my goal. Now to maintain! I am eating extremely healthy too, which makes me feel better and more important, regulates my mood so that I am happier, calmer, less moody. I’m telling you folks, try to cut back as much as you can on sugar, caffeine, drugs and alcoholic. When you do, you can clearly see what a large role those chemicals play in affecting your mood!

My relationship with my mother is wonderful. It usually always is, but now, she is newly retired and lives close, so we have been spending extra time together.

My house is a wonderful place to be. We’re under construction and that’s hugely exciting!

SO, that’s where I am now. How about you? Take a look at where you were five years ago. Are you where you thought you’d be? Are you where you want to be? What goals can you set you achieve those outcomes?

Perception

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I’ve been thinking a lot about perception lately, and so I decided to create this image to show how our vision can sometimes be skewed. We desperately want to believe in our fantasy of a perfect relationship, so much so that we are willing (willing!) to distort our view and overlook some pretty major flaws. And while this image is a little extreme and based on physical looks alone, the bigger picture is, as love addicts, we sometimes refuse to see serious, internal red flags like abuse, neglect, infidelity, manipulation, narcissism and worse. So…my advice for the day? Be honest with yourself. Keep your eyes wide open and don’t be afraid to see things as they are, not as you wish them to be. Remember, when you love yourself, you do everything in your power to protect yourself. And most of the time that means staying grounded in reality.

distortion

Children of alcoholics

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Originally published January, 21 2009

I’ve been talking to someone new. We are clicking mentally, that’s for sure. But there’s a flag waving in the distance and I cannot tell if it’s red or white. We’ve discussed his alcohol consumption, which comes up from time to time in that he tends to talk about it more than usual sometimes. I told him I thought he drank too much and he quickly defended himself and said that he enjoyed a good scotch here and there, but otherwise, all his talk is just that- talk. And yet, I don’t believe him. At least not yet. He could be telling the truth, or he could be doing exactly what my ex did- saying virtually anything to keep me in his life.

Keep in mind that I am hugely sensitive to alcohol consumption as my father was an alcoholic who died basically drinking himself to death. I mean, there are people whose drinking does not bother me in the least- others, not so. But I’m  hard-wired to detect it. I can sense the slightest nuance or change in behavior when someone is drinking (or doing drugs for that matter). I can even tell when you are about to drink or smoke or that you had something within the last three days. This is both a blessing and a curse. It makes me at once super-humanly perceptive and horribly annoying-but annoying only if you’re the kind of person that’d like to drink in peace and not be told “I think you’ve had too much.” It’s definitely part of my father’s legacy-  and something in me which is probably here to stay.

My last two bfs started off this same way. They were both cured of the desire to smoke weed when I met them. They were done with it. And I believed them. But, things changed and as is so often the case, they both went back to it.

But the issue is this: when you are raised by at least one alcoholic and you go through all the ups and downs with that parent and watch him struggle through interventions and AA and rehab centers, you always BELIEVE, number one, that once he goes through the 12-step program he will be cured. And number two, that you will never have to deal with it again. Poof! Problem solved.

When you grow up, you carry that same belief with you. You are  time and time again, willing to accept an alcoholic or drug addict in your life because you’re convinced that they will change, recover, be cured.

Sadly, this is false. But no one ever teaches you this. Instead, programs like Al-anon and Al-ateen teach and  instill hope in the program, convincing you that it works. This isn’t to say that 100% recovery isn’t possible or that it doesn’t happen. But the disease and/or the recovery that ensues is no easy road. Ever.

I have to come to terms with this as a grown woman. And believe me, that in itself is not easy. Think how people must have felt when they learned the earth was round! It’s a shock to the system. I too am just learning  that I must look at things as they are, not as I wish them to be.  And most importantly, I must know when to stay away from the fire even if it’s just smoke.

Update 1/20/2013: I absolutely love looking back and re-reading some of these old blog entries when I had first met D. I was so mistrusting, and I am very proud of being that way. When you live your entire life in abusive relationships, it takes months, even years to start trusting people again, and only then, do those people have to be FULLY worthy of your trust. I remember Susan Peabody telling me once, “You can heal and you can trust again within a relationship, but only if your partner NEVER lies, or NEVER does anything to lose your trust.” I thought, Are you kidding me?  That is an impossible standard for any man. All men lie, I thought. I will most likely never heal. But I was wrong. I have been with D for 4 years now and he has NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER broken my trust or lied, and when he said he really doesn’t have a drinking problem, and that it was “all talk,” he was right. But it took many months, even years to believe him. Not only did he never lie, he allowed me to be suspicious. Not overly suspicious, of course. But he was patient with me, and  understood that for me to fall in love with him, he would have to prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he was worthy of me. Because he believed I was worth that kind of effort. Anyway, if I had known then what I know now I may have been far more trusting. And yet…I pride myself on being so cautious. No one knows a person’s character in the first few months of dating. It takes years to know someone. Be patient and keep mistrusting! And  look at things as they are, not as you wish them to be.

Has your PoA turned into your own form of cancer?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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The PoA still on your brain? Can’t shake him? Of course he is still there. And he will be until you do what you fear most…kill the thoughts and let go.

Think of it like this: we carry our addictions around in our heads and our hearts so frequently, it gets to the point where our whole body adapts to those thoughts and we essentially grow a new limb, or more appropriately, a tumor. The PoA becomes part of us–a physical manifestation of who we are, an ugly, outward growth that wreaks havoc on our lives and our health.

So…..any hope of changing at this point means drastic measures. It means surgery. It means severing the limb. It means slicing off the growth. That’s a hard thing to do, because guess what, at this point, it’s not like popping a pimple. Whatever measure you take to remove this thing, it’s going to HURT. It’s going to be MAJOR. Cancer doesn’t spread overnight, folks.

So, you have to ask yourself….is the growth that has formed on your body and soul jeopardizing your health? Your inner and outer beauty? Is it endangering your very existence? If it is, then the risk of REMOVING the GROWTH is worth the potential pain, if it means saving your life.

Recognize the PoA (or any type of addiction) for what it is. Cancer! And then, take the appropriate action to fight it and get healthy.

Living a tragic life?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Theatrical masks of Tragedy and Comedy. Mosaic...

Theatrical masks of Tragedy and Comedy. Mosaic, Roman artwork, 2nd century CE. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Up until about a couple years ago, shamefully late in life, I realized that life does not need to be tragic. Some lives can be lived without event, without drama, without a tragic twist to an otherwise peaceful, good life. There are people that are born, grow up, meet someone, marry, and die at 87 without the slightest bit of disaster. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying there are people who never experience pain, or loss, or suffering. We all experience that to different degrees. What I am talking about is the love addict’s natural inclination to believe that life, and love in particular, is “tragic.”

Our belief in tragedy (drama, omens, symbols) comes from the way we were raised, the movies we watched or the books we read. And since most love addicts are prone to fantasy, it’s no surprise that they begin to believe that tragedy is a natural part of life. When every dramatic movie has a tragic element, it’s hard not to start to think that real life must be the same. And yet, it’s not.

Being a literature major, didn’t help. After having read things like Wuthering Heights, Romeo and Juliet, Tropic of Cancer, The Sheltering Sky, Madame Bovary, The Red and The Black, how could I want anything less than that same amount of passion for my own life? There was a bitter sweetness to the utter bliss of having found someone, and the agony of knowing I would lose them. In fact, at certain points in my life, I was proud that my life was so tragic. I was, after all, an artist. And an artist must live a tragic life.

The trouble is, when I recovered and wanted to live my life without all that drama (and art!), and find a stable, healthy relationship, I maintained an enormous sense of mistrust for the universe. I could never be completely “happy” or comfortable in my relationship because lurking around the corner, was tragedy disguised as a “perfect life.” It was only a matter of time before tragedy would strike and my love would be struck down and taken from me or vice versa. Isn’t that the way the world works?

Again, a resounding No. Life can indeed be a tragedy. But, depending on your perspective, and circumstances, it can also be a story with no point. It can be simple. It can be complex, but manageable. It can be average–not like Hollywood at all. How do I know? I see it now that I look for it. My mother lived a very chaotic life when she was with my father, but in 1986, she met and eventually married the man she is with now. If I look at their life together it is a simple, happy one. Although she has overcome some huge hurtles (lost her brother, survived cancer) for the most part, her relationship with her husband has been steady, stable, loving, and strong. No extreme ups and downs. No craziness. No tragedy…for almost 30 years. That’s a long time to live a peaceful life with someone. And what I need to start to believe in.

So, the next time you’re sitting alone in your room, crying over the tragedy and drama of your life, remember, that’s Hollywood. That’s literature. It is the fiction that YOU are creating for yourself as part of your need to fill the void, to distract, to numb. To experience something bigger than you are. Life doesn’t have to be that way.

The WHOLE picture

Posted on by l0velyjune
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"Under the horse chestnut tree", 1 p...

“Under the horse chestnut tree”, 1 print : drypoint and aquatint, color ; (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sometimes we date people like our parents because we have no other model of who might be appropriate for us to date. When we don’t have an identity of our own, we tend to let others (like parents) dictate what is best for us. That’s not to say our parents, when we are adults, interfere or tell us who to date. It is to say that we, subconsciously, think we need to follow that same model of love that they set for us. When that is the case, we tend to only allow people into our lives who are familiar to us, never realizing we don’t have to “choose” people like our parents. We stick with what’s familiar, instead of questioning whether we might want and need something completely different.

And here’s the thing: if you have/had a good relationship with your parent(s), then, it’s all good. You can date someone who reminds you of your dad or mom and the relationship will most likely work out well. But if you had a bad relationship with a parent (despite loving him or her) you should not date them. That’s when we begin to confuse the big “L” (love) with “healthy relationship.” The two don’t always go hand in hand.

Case in point. I loved my father. I was entertained by many of the crazy things he did. But I inherently didn’t value the way he lived his life and he always made me feel uncomfortable and mistrusting. Yet, I always dated men based on the two things positive qualities I saw in my dad: love and entertainment. Well, guess what? That won’t get you very far. You need to like a little more than just a limited number of qualities. And “love” should not start off being one of them. That comes later.

And yet, we tend to see the “purpose” of people as having two sides instead of seeing the WHOLE picture. WHat I mean is this: your PoA has all these great qualities and you love him, but he’s a narcissist, a manipulator, and doesn’t pay you the attention you want. You’ve split your PoA in two. You stick around for the half good, but are in pain or suffering for the half bad. Essentially, you do what you did with your parents– you overlook the bad, so that you may love.

But that’s not how a healthy relationship is built. In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to think about and search for the whole picture!  You can’t cut people in half and say: I like these qualities and I will focus on them, and then I will ignore the other stuff. Nothing’s perfect, after all! Well, guess what. You don’t have to do that anymore! You had to do it with your parents, but you don’t have to do with the person you choose to be your partner.

We have no choice selecting our parents. We have to love them, despite their shortcomings. We have to find a way to adapt to them, accepting their negative qualities and love them at the same time. We do this as children to survive. But when we are adults, we DO NOT. HAVE TO DO THIS. We have a choice as to whom we select.

This brings me to the ultimate lie we tell ourselves in the game of love–that we will never find someone who FULLY satisfies us. There will always be issues, or problems. And while that is true, for the most part, there is a HUGE piece of that truth missing. You can, and must find someone with whom you share most of your same values. And you can and must find someone who does not cause you pain. That is not what love is about. ANd that is certainly not what a healthy relationship is about. There are degrees of discomfort and here are two examples:

-You love playing sports or working out at the gym, but you don’t particularly like a few of the exercises the instructor makes you do. The big picture is that you love the exercise class, and while you don’t like a couple of the exercises (who loves ab workouts!?), in the end, it’s a positive thing for you and your body and your peace of mind. Most of the class is worthwhile and so you can overlook the discomfort of what you don’t like because the class as a whole (and even those parts you don’t like) are in perfect alignment with your value system: to be healthy and fit.

Second scenario

-You love playing sports or working out at the gym, but the instructor is a total bitch. She belittles you, she reprimands you if you don’t do the exercises the right way and you don’t particularly like anyone else in the class. In fact, even though working out is good for you, you feel completely mentally and emotionally beaten down by your experience in the class. So, why do you stay? Well, you BELIEVE exercise is good for you and that you’re doing a good thing. But what you’re failing to see is the whole picture and the fact that you do NOT have to tolerate that kind of belittlement or pain just to reach your goal.

See the difference? I hope so!

Review of last night’s Huffpost Live Segment

Posted on by l0velyjune
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If last night’s segment on Huffpost live was any indication,  I am far more at ease (and happier) as a writer behind the screen, as opposed to on it. And yet, I would do it again if it meant that I had the opportunity to help someone realize the key most important points to love addiction:

  • That it’s NOT about love
  • That it’s an avoidance of the self
  • And that you CAN change and have a healthier life IF you not only have the will, but the right tools. 

Overall, I feel the segment failed to do anything but offer a bit of light entertainment.  Everyone had their own agenda. I would have liked to talk about the solution, not just the “disease.” The therapist, obviously, want to talk (and talk, and talk, and talk) about things like “comorbidity” and the science behind what he had learned in his textbooks. And the writer of the article, Kelly Bourdet, wanted to talk more about the culture of addiction, not so much the individual, personal plight of someone suffering with addiction. She pegged addiction as “an interesting topic” to write about. I grant her that. But hasn’t America talked enough about the culture of dis-ease? Isn’t it time to start offering solutions?

What Kelly did do was bring up the point of addiction as a lack of agency. I think if you buy into the 12-Step philosophy of “Powerlessness,” or if you buy into the science that addiction is a “disease of the brain” more so than just a harmless behavior, then you’re right. It leaves you free to say, “Oh well, this is just who I am. I can’t do anything about it.” But, you do yourself a huge disservice believing that. When it comes time to get healthier–when that very behavior really starts to wreak havoc on every aspect of your life–then what? Take drugs? Treat the symptoms? That’s so typical of American medicine and why there is an underlying belief that addiction cannot be cured.  

And while I agree that you may not be able to cure your nature, you absolutely can cure certain undesirable behaviors. You simply stop doing them. It’s hard as hell. It takes years. Oprah didn’t get where she is overnight. I didn’t get healthy overnight. You have to relearn healthier ways to live.  But it can be done. People are not powerless over addiction until they are taught to be. And that is definitely a cultural phenomenon–helplessness. 
 
Pernille, the director of Love Addict, also brought up the point that Pia Mellody believes it should not be called love addiction, but rather “fantasy addiction.” And yet, I still think that misses the mark. Love addiction may be more about fantasy than love (I don’t know one love addict that is even close to doing any real loving). But if you dig down and unearth the bigger issue of why a person chooses fantasy (or anything else for that matter) as a repetitive, obsessive behavior that distracts them to the point of  their  life falling apart, then you have to be open to the idea that it may be more an issue of  Self Avoidance as opposed to anything else. When you are so focused on chasing after love, and this action is causing pain, suffering and more chasing and more obsessing, what happens? You disappear. You are neglected.
But why? Why would you neglect and avoid yourself?
Because you’re afraid. Of what is your job to figure out.

Comment if you have a different POV. But that’s what I believe should have been discussed in those 20 minutes.

http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/5074b92c78c90a78ff00023e