The Lovely Addict was started at the tail end of 2008. It was supposed to be my personal online “diary” (remember those) about the woes of my dating life and a few of the harsh lessons I learned along the way. And it definitely was that. If you read back to some of the 2008 entries, believe me, I was at the bottom of the totem pole. But what eventually happened was that I grew up, got strong and decided to share my advice on how to get out of a bad relationship, build self-esteem, recognize your value and recreate a stronger you.
There’s lots of talk of love addiction here. But don’t let that scare you. You do not have to identify with love addiction to read, learn or find tips on how to develop a healthy a relationship. What you do have to do is give this blog a chance, if you want to change your life. Why? Because whatever you call it, sometimes love hurts and it shouldn’t. And this blog is one of the best resources online for empowering women (and men!) to find the courage and resources to get out of bad, painful, lonely, sexless, sex-crazed, abusive, one-sided, undignified relationships. It can help you figure out what your values are, how and why to create boundaries for yourself, and how to believe, once and for all, that you no longer deserve “scraps,” especially when it concerns dating.
The mission of this site is simple: to help people like you learn to change their negative, false and imprisoning belief systems which keep you anchored in dependent, co-dependent or addicting relationships. And it is to help you believe you are worth more. Simple as that.
I am a writer, a mother, a teacher, a volunteer and a business woman. This blog is my story about love, addiction, healthy recovery, self-empowerment and my work helping others feel better about themselves. I have created it for YOU, so that you can find peace in knowing that you are not alone and that a better life is possible. To read more about my life, please read My Story.
hello i just wanted you to know that its 3;47 in the morning and i cant stop thinking about him….so i went on the net to get strength…you give such great advice…..im so glad your here…i believe that you are literally saving my life…….its been 20 days no nc i’m glad to regain my power….i cant thank you enuff for helping me thru this
Thanks for your blog.
Its been 3 months of relatively NC with my past partner. The three month mark is generally where I get anxious and panicky. And here I am. Insomnia, anxiety, wanting to look at personals…somatic symtoms. Im an anxious mess and am also overeating and eating junk food. I hope i can get through this without turning to another lover. I cant go to another lover. I dont have it in me. But I am also freaked out about just being with me. Im turning to my old addictions (personals, junk food, crazy anxiety and panic.) I am trying to read everything I can. I also am willing to resort to medication to help me with sleep and anxiety. I need to function and work and get through this. thanks for your strength and your story.
-skye
Hey, get a hold of me. I’m a strong advocate of recovery, as well. I would love to chat recovery. Not2bforgot10@yahoo.com
Thanks!
Hi there. I’m a recovering love addict who is very moved and inspired by your blog. I don’t see your email listed on here but would really love to chat with you. If that sounds good, please email me at: saucelyn@gmail.com
It is easy for you to talk about “recovery” when you had some things to rely on, like you knew you already were married and had children and then you met your attorney which was a sweep of luck. Now you can talk all you want about your recovery as you got lucky.
If you were uterly alone in the world, it would be interesting to see how you would go about your recovery.
I was utterly alone. Do you think having kids makes it easier to find someone? It doesn’t. It makes it harder. Not many single men exist when you’re 40, let alone ones that are interested in dating a woman with two kids. Was I lucky? Most definitely. But after the luck of having met him then what? If I were unhealthy, I would have lost him. Wouldn’t I? Things may start as luck, but if you lack confidence, self-esteem, health, and all the things that go into attracting someone equally as healthy and maintaining a long relationship with that person, you are doomed. Water seeks its own level. NO matter how lucky I was to meet him, he would never have stayed with me if I were who I was ten years ago. Keep working at recovery, so that when your “lucky guy” strolls by you will recognize him and he will recognize you!
This is what you wrote:
I have found that the more that time goes by and my old, unhealthy habits are replaced by my new ones, I am a new person. I’ve kinda shed my old skin. Every once in awhile one of my old LA thoughts or triggers will pop up but they become rarer and rarer as I become closer to the woman I was meant to be. It’s a good feeling and I assure you someday, you too will know what I am talking about. T”
So, are you with your man attorney or are you with the woman or both? Are you bi-sexual? Who are you? And is this your recovery?
I am with the same guy. We will be celebrating our 1.8 year anniversary on Tuesday. Not sure where it says I was with a woman. I said: “as I become closer to the woman I was meant to be,” which means I am talking about understanding myself better.
Hi, thank you for continuing to post updates on your lovely blog. Your encouragement/advice/hard truths are so helpful in my life.
There is one topic I havent seen (forgive me if I’m wrong) on a real in depth focus addressing how to not eliminate but learn to cut back and set boundaries for yourself when our “giver” nature just wants to keep giving and our justification is that it’s “good.”
To give a little context, I would like to hear your thoughts on this during the point of recovery when IN a *healthy* relationship. I also got very lucky, and my partner is an *amazing* man who has helped me become the great woman I am today. However, I am still a “giver.” I do at times think I spend too much money on him, and its hard right now because he had to walk out on a job that was treating him really poorly, so I am supporting him financially more than usual. Still, normally I tend to spend a lot of time and money on him and doing things together not just him but as a family (I have one child, he has two).
So my question is in a normal case where we’re both working and contributing to all things, including extras, what are some tools you might have to limit either $ amounts or figure out what is “reasonable?” Of course I wouldnt expect you to give a certain dollar amount and I do have a good idea of how much $ I have to spend extra on him, but more like how to get over feeling like I HAVE to do so much for him in order to feel like I’m a really great girlfriend. Which I know I am anyway. And it’s not even an issue of “if I spend so much on him he won’t leave me” at all either. More just setting reasonable boundaries that more closely match what he is giving back. Last part of my context is: I almost never give expecting anything in return. But the rare times when I state to my bf “this is what I need” (usually some kind of physical need, like affection or sex), I tend to do more things for him. Then when he does not put the extra effort to meet my stated need, I feel disappointed. From the expectation I had. I’m sure you’re fully familiar with this
I dont even let it bother me too much, I know when to let go. I used to let it affect me, but now I am mature enough to know how meet my own needs by not dwelling on it or holding any expectations on my bf or anyone else. Still, how do you deal with needs that can only be met by others? Or should there eventually be NO needs that require anyone but yourself to meet?
-pandar
I forgot to add, my bf is not avoidant although he does like his space, which I am used to almost and think it’s really good/gives me time to myself too. He is VERY affectionate and I have no complaints about how that.
I guess its just difficult because he lives 20 minutes (one way) away, and right now doesnt have gas money (I’m actually giving him gas $), and has kids he can’t always leave to come to me. I do drive to him but he doesnt have a private space where he lives. **it seems to me there are SO many reasons/excuses for not getting enough “alone” time together. But I really make it so easy for him, and yet its not enough…? I’m not a sex addict, and I know he wants me just as bad. So what’s the holdup. Is this something I have to just have patience/delayed gratification on? Am I asking too much? I dont want to confront him about it because when I have, he sees it as “complaining” and I understand why. How can I calm down my desire to be with him that way?
Sorry if I am being too specific or descript… And is there a particular LAA forum thread you’ve seen you can direct me to, if you are not sure how to answer my questions? Thank you for reading this
pandar
Second, it’s good that he’s not avoidant but needs his space. Sounds like me. However, I see a big red flag here. When someone has “so many reasons/excuses for not getting enough alone time” with you, they are basically avoidant. They are denying you one of your basic human needs and they are “neglecting” to invest in the relationship. Whether it be because they can’t or they won’t doesn’t matter. What matters is that this situation is not healthy for YOU. This is basic dysfunction. And wHen you confront or complain about it, he of course becomes defensive because he has no inclination to change. And he probably can’t. And that’s OK. Becuase you CAN CHANGE.
Here’s the ugly truth, pandar. This is NOT something you have to have patience about, unless it is a temporary situation (he was once financially strong, he was once very supportive of you, etc. and he returns to that healthy state in a few months). But how long have you experienced living like this? If it’s not temporary, but rather built in to the fabric of who he is, I say you are settling and you deserve better. Far better.
You should reasonably expect that this man, 9x out of 10 never relies on you for money, that he makes more of an effort to see you than you see him, and that his life is open and available to alone time with you. And while kids are part of his life and yours, I’m sure you still love your child AND make time for him. He should be expected to do the same.
The ugliness comes in when you realize that you probably won’t get those needs met from this particular man. So…what are your choices? Either bury your needs or move on. I’d hope you’d choose the latter because you are worth so much more than you seem to be getting.
I spent about $10K on one of the guys I dated a while back and looking back, it’s an embarrassment that I didn’t recognize I was with such a “needy” man. When I started to date D (an attorney with his own money) I still bought him things and spent money on him, but it was never because he was in “need’ and that is the difference. When you start to support someone else (temporarily is an exception) and start towing the line for someone else who is perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, this act is not kindness on your part, it is co-dependence. You put your needs aside (don’t you need your money to better care for yourself and your child?) for his and the relationship becomes unbalanced.
As far as boundaries are concerned, I would place them around you right now. No more giving gas money. No more towing his line. If he can’t make it over to see you, then he can’t make it over. Unfortunately, this means the relationship might not be what you want it to be. But from what you’re telling me, you are buying him. You are paying to see him. And when that happens, you start expecting that he give back something too (“I tend to do more things for him. Then when he does not put the extra effort to meet my stated need, I feel disappointed.”). The truth is, he is incapable of matching your gifts. And probably always will be.
I did this ALL the time with my PoA and looking back, I see that it was co-dependence. It had nothing to do with me being a loving, caring, giving person. But simply holding on to the man and doing so by buying his love. Of course, I never saw it that way. I thought I was just being “kind.” Read “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beattie. It changed my life.
I think you need to re-evaluate how “healthy” this relationship is. A HUGE part of a healthy relationship is 1.) balance and fairness between partners 2.) that both partners can financially support themselves, 3.) and availability of partner (if he cannot get to you on his own and you have to pay for his gas money to see you, this is a problem).
Don’t pay so much attention to his words. Pay attention to his ACTIONS. Love and kindness is an action. When someone loves you they want to remove burdens from you, not place more on you.
As I read your story I could not believe how it sounds just like mine. I also started smoking again after 10yrs, was and sorta still am a food addict. The guy I am seeing goes by G but not the same G as yours was. It amazes me how I am lead to things I need in my journey of healing myself. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
Funny isn’t it. And we thought we were so unique!
Today I just got back from a four day trip. It was with the man I am in a love addition relationship.with. We can back to our hometown together. HE IS A MARRIED MAN. I. BEEN SEEING HIM FOR ALMOST NINE YEARS. AT FIRST HE WASN’T HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND. BUT HE DIDN’T TELL ME UNTIL A YEAR LATER.HOWEVER I CONTINUE. ON.AND IT HAVE BEEN HAD IT UPS AND DOWNS.BUT NOW ITS AFFECTING ME MENTALLY.I KNOW NOW I AM READY FOR A CHANGE. I KNOW THIS ISN’T RIGHT
BUT IT’S HARD TO LET GO
HOW SHOULD I START. I NEED HELP BAD
I LOVE HIM
BUT I. READY TO LET GO NOW
focus on the fact that you need to let go. Focus on the fact that the relationship is affecting you mentally and hurting. Do NOT focus on the love aspect. I would love to sky dive without a parachute, but if I did that, it would kill me. That’s what you’re doing. It’s time to switch your brain to thinking about the negative aspects of the relationship and why you want to leave, so that you PROTECT YOURSELF. You can only do this if you believe you’re worthy.
I NEED SUPPORT
So happy to have found this site. Almost everything I’ve read speaks to me. It makes me cry, smile wryly and see the path before me.
I’m a Love Addict coming out of another (yet another) addictive relationship, where I kept going for 6 months in great pain at the end. The relationship ended 2 weeks ago and it’s really painful still for me.
Today I saw that both my ex and I were invited to help my best friends decorate a new house. It was like a lance through my heart to see her name, to imagine meeting her, seeing her. Not only that but to imagine what she might say about me if I don’ go, the humiliation I feel from breaking up with her … or basically how to control the spread of information amongst our close friends. The shame of it all! I obviously have to avoid this meeting, I’m not sure how I would react, I guess I’d end up venting like I tend to do and embarassing myself even more!! Any hints on how to deal wit this?
Also do you have any suggestions of Fourms wher I can discus issues I’m going to be facing as I move from this relationship, continue through the withdrawl that I am experiencing, and come out the other end of the tunnel?
In any case this blog has given me renewed hope,
Thanks,
Steve