Go ahead. Go back to your PoA (person of addiction)! You know you want to. ANd if you want to and feel as though you should, surely that means it was meant to be, right? Why not! Every emotion you have, even a burp or a fart has huge significance. Right? A sign from God. So follow it and go back to him.
And when you go back….enjoy! And be happy! Be happy that he’s IGNORING you. You don’t deserve to be paid attention to anyway. In fact, everyone including friends and loved one SHOULD ignore you. Because what you have to say is not very important. Other people (who ramble on about nothing and do nothing with their lives) are so much more important than you.
And when you go back….feel the amazing feeling of the CONFUSION. It’s fun and exciting to never know what to expect from one day to the next. She’s running hot and cold! One day she loves you, the next she doesn’t? Perfect. Instability is probably just what you’re heart desires.
And when you go back…feel the intense love that, let’s face it, you are most likely creating on your own, because, let’s face it, half the time he’s off with another woman. Oh the LIES, of the BETRAYAL! WHen I was a child. I always dreamed of having a loving relationship filled with these things. I also wanted a guy I had to fight for. Nothing comes easy! Love is meant to be painful and filled with suffering.
And when you go back….celebrate the good times! Because they are few and far between and erratic as heck. And well…they don’t exist anymore. Because she’s gone. But who cares! She comes around every so often, and isn’t that a sign from the Gods that she’s still hanging on and wants to come back? Because people who love you want to spend as little time as possible with you. Ah…the memories! They will keep you warm at night.
And when you go back….rejoice in the REJECTION and the SCRAPS that he’s feeding you. Why take anything else? You are not ready for anything better. Rejection and scraps are right up your alley and you are worth it! There’s no way you could handle a decent, warm meal. Not you! You’re too rugged for that. You prefer to eat your meals out of the garbage can.
SO yes! Next time you wonder if NC is just getting in the way of this great relationship of yours, if NC is not worth it, if NC is just a waste of your time…then I DO suggest going back. And maybe then, you’ll remember why you left in the first place.
Thank you so much for this. I actually left a job (found another one that pays even more – didn’t just quit) to get away from my POA. I just could not handle any more of the BS. But….4 months later I am still missing him and the scraps he threw my way. I think “oh but he used to come by my office just to talk, he must have liked me.” No, it was just convenient for him and I was an easy target, someone he kept in his back pocket for when he wanted to text me at 11:00pm with the oh so romantic “coming over tonight?” I would jump up, get dressed, and race over there because I was sure this was the time he was going to fall in love with me. Then, even though I would see him in work every day, he would not call (text) me again for weeks or months.
I’m still having a hard time with the decision to leave a job over this guy but I know I did the right thing because living in a crazy, fantasy, love addicted world was not getting me anywhere and it was only going to get worse having to see him every day. I was always a nervous wreck that he would show up with a date for a company function. When I asked him if he thought it would be awkward if he brought a date to the Christmas party, he said “Not at all. What we have is just between you and me.” Just not a good way to live when I was head over heels for him.
Sorry to write a book here, I just really appreciated this post right now. It’s what I needed to hear.
Sounds like you did the right thing. We’re so prone to thinking that leaving a job or a relationship means that we’re “running away.” But that’s not always the case. We are solving problems and coming up with solutions that work for us!
Thanks. It really doesn’t feel like I did the right thing most of the time though. You had written something a while back about not making decisions based on emotion. I feel like I made my decision based on emotion, not logic. I had been at my job for 4 years and even though my new job pays more, I left a lot when I left that job. I just keep telling myself I had been praying for a way out of the situation and I got an answer and felt like I had to take it. I do have regrets but it’s hard to determine how much of it is missing my POA and how much of it is missing my old job. It’s just not that easy to start over when you’re not a spring chicken anymore! But, if I had stayed there, who knows what would have happened and where I would be right now? But, it is driving me CRAZY not knowing what he is doing since I used to keep tabs on his comings and goings. I keep thinking I got this new job for a reason, maybe I just don’t know the reason yet.
Just because you make decision with your logical mind or your emotions doesn’t mean you’ll always like the outcome. I too left a great job I loved to get away from a guy. All my life I lived with a deep sense of regret for allowing him to make leave. But the older I got, the more I realized, I could have stayed. But I chose to go. FOr whatever reason. And looking back and “regretting” never got me any farther. SO….I abandoned the regret and CHOSE to look at the positives of where I was headed. It took me a long time (years to recover from that break up). But I did it. You will too. Your success depends solely on your PERSPECTIVE, not what you think is really happening.
Thanks for the timely message….those reminders come sometimes just when you need them!
You’re welcome!
That is powerful stuff.
Thanks for reading!
Of course I Google “Love Addiction Blog” and read this AFTER I emailed my POA today — ugh! I am always a day late and a dollar short.
Seriously, though, I am bookmarking the sh*t out of this blog, and I will come to it every time I want to talk to him. It had been a month and then he emailed me, so of course I obsessed for 3 days before replying. Last night I was so proud of myself for not replying, and then today something unrelated triggered insecurity for me and I emailed him back to feel better(?). It’s like crack, I swear. My ex (son’s father) and his new wife are having twins, I found out today. So to “feel better” about that (even though I don’t know why I am upset in the first place, honestly) I emailed my POA back. How that makes ANY sense is beyond me. So now I am in the awful position of waiting for a reply, which I am sure I won’t get. And with that, we have the lovely beginning stages of my recovery.
No LAA meetings in my area but I do have some Codependents Anonymous meetings available — I am going to one tonight.
Thanks for the blog. I love it!
Keep reading Stephanie! The more you know, the more you read, the stronger you become.
love the sarcasm! this message is very important. thanks for sharing.
Thanks emma
!
This post made me very damn angry. Probably at myself more than anyone else.
This is a lot of my history, and my challenge now is in dealing with the pain of *not* behaving like this. I’m left to wonder if it ever ends.
It ends when you’re ready to end it. When you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired, you WILL change. Trust me.
Thank you! This woke me up to help me maintain NC when I’m struggling tonight with loneliness and desperation and wanting those old addictions.
Yes, exactly what I needed to read. AGAIN
i read this a month ago and commented above. read it again this morning and was going to comment for what I though would be the first time. When you’re in active addiction your mind is so foggy you forget everything that has nothing to do with your POA. I’ve had NC for 6 days now although he isn’t blocked at all. His choice not to contact and that is helping me to see more clearly how little he ever cared. He kept repeating he wanted me in his life ‘as a positive’ which always seemd a bit strange to me. My last email was about how depressed I am and i knew he wouldn’t like that at all an dhe hasn’t been in touch since. So much for all the empathy he was professing. You live you learn. Greta
I printed this out and stuck it to the fridge. I desperately needed this, and so did a few of my friends. Thank you!
Good for you! Good for all of you!
This is wonderful. I am still acting out with my PoA and this post rings in the back of my head when I call him. You are helping me use my adult brain more and more…thank you!
Great to hear! Hang in there. Slip, fall, get up again. It gets better, I promise!
i keep coming back to this article in your blog, it helps me keep reality at the forefront because it is my story it is me and it is soooooo true it is very powerful and very helpful i am using it as a tool when the pain of withdrawal hits i read it and it helps to center my mind in reality……….thank you for writing this, and thanks to my higher power and myself for helping me find it
That just made my day! I’m so glad it helps! Hang in there. You will get through this
darn tootin!
) i leave in one hour for my first LAA meeting, i am scared therefore am kicking my #@$% all the way there lol just colored my hair and took a shower just for me and my little inner child we are happy with the results
Good for you! How did it go????
well i drove an hour and a half and got lost and never made the meeting took me over 3 hours to find my way home am really sad because i have enjoyed sharing on the love addicts forum but well when i read the terms it said basically but nicely if you have been part of bdsm or are a love addict go to that other forum and last night i recognized and admitted i am also a sex addict, the bdsm i am not part of that lifestyle but was and i believe it was because i found a convenient place where people said to be degraded ignored used and humiliated is normal……..but i am no longer part of that but i was……..through my 9 days i realize i am at day one of sex and love addiction because through those 9 days i was using what is my sex addiction pornography and risque literature to go to that twisted unhealthy place……so it saddens me i won’t ever be going to that love addicts meeting after all because where i belong is the sex and love addicts meeting. i have to tell you the truth as horrible as it was i didn’t feel so bad about being a love addict sounds so much nicer then sex addict.
Hi Carol, how wonderful that you can be so honest, but I hope you realize that even if you are a sex addict, you can still go to a love addict’s meeting, so long as you focus on the love addict behavior and not the sex addict behavior. They won’t turn anyone away who believes he or she is a love addict. We ALL have multiple addictions! It just might be inappropriate to talk about a drug addiction at a love addict anonymous meeting, or talk about sex addiction at a food addicts anonymous meeting!
You know what I mean? Don’t give up! Try to go back. No need to tell them about all your addictions…just LoVe 
thanks, i hadn’t thought of that, after all i have a lot to talk about regarding my love addiction alone and yes i have other meetings i can go to where i can discuss the sex addiction, and it was also helpful that you mentioned i am not the only one who has multiple addictions………….it was just such a shock to me i suppose…………thanks for your words of advice i find them caring and comforting and yes empowering, i had not realized i had that option
Where there’s a will, there’s a way! Good luck and keep us posted
will do
)
im really glad I read this. I have struggled with my POA for ten years..It hurts more than I ever thought anything could, wanting him to be the “same as he was” when he first thought he was batting above his average blah blah. If you had told me when I was 16 my life would have this much pain at 34 I wouldn’t ever have believed it. I need to read this every day and stop telling myself he loves me…yeah. He’s addicted to me alright. But its not the same thing. And it cant be turned into love either.
You’re right. ANd you should be very proud of yourself for facing reality, instead of hiding away from it.