Monthly Archives: January 2012

Is venting part of the recovery process?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Is venting healthy for you? Click the photo to read more.

I would like to address the topic of “venting” as it came up in another thread, and I would like to talk about how it’s more detrimental than we think. That it is not part of recovery or the healing process, but rather it is a continuation of the addiction.

I have been in recovery since February 2008, and I can assure you that whenever someone is called out on the Boards for “venting” they become defensive and usually leave. Why? Because you are telling them to stop an addictive behavior they do not/cannot stop. This tends to feel shameful. So, instead of changing the behavior and recognizing that it is a toxic behavior and not who we inherently are, we feel the need to defend ourselves and rationalize the venting as “necessary.”

Well, it’s not necessary. Believe me.

A perfect example of this is in my own life. When I was high on the PoA, all I wanted to do when I was not with him, was talk about him to others. But in my talking, I wasn’t saying what a great guy he was. I was “venting” to others how wronged I was, how much he hurt me, how much I knew I needed to get out of the relationship, and ultimately, how I went back and fell madly in love again. I vented to my friends over and over and over until the inevitable happened. I burned a lot of bridges and lost some friends. People didn’t want to hear me complain anymore. If I wanted to get out so badly, why didn’t I? Eventually, instead of stopping the venting, I started hanging around others who were also in miserable relationships. They could vent and I could vent together. Misery does, after all, love company.

Looking back, this process of venting was not part of the solution. It was not healing or cathartic, it didn’t help propel me forward. it was toxic. It was part of the addiction. When I was not with my PoA, I would summon him anyway I could by thinking and talking about him. It was the flip side of the SAME coin! And when someone who cared a lot about me (my mother) would tell me to stop venting, I would get angry and defensive and eventually, I wouldn’t want to be near her. “She didn’t understand!” I thought. “She just wants me to shut up!” I thought.

But I was the one who didn’t understand. The more I obsessed over my situation without doing anything about it, the more the “venting” and the PoA controlled my life.

It was only when I realized this that I started to change. That the solution to my addiction was not only “NC” (no contact), but it was changing the very way I THOUGHT and communicated about the things in my life.

To a love addict, our drug of choice is not only our PoA (person of addiction) but our obsessed thoughts and fantasies of our PoA. So, each time we analyze our relationship via the PoA or act out, or “vent” about how we can’t stop loving the PoA, or how he wronged us, we are taking a hit of the drug.

When we enmesh others in that fantasy and that drama, we are validating our PoAs, we are validating our pain, we are securing “partners in crime,” so to speak, and we are taking another hit of the drug.

Recovery is not venting. Venting is not part of the recovery process. Analyzing your OWN behavior is. Analyzing his behavior or the impossibility of the situation is NOT. Recovery is recognizing that no amount of “talk” about the PoA will do any bit of good. That only repeated ACTION toward a solution is worth anything in the fight against addiction.

But letting go of venting is EXTREMELY difficult. We are just as addicted to our venting as our PoAs. The way we think, however, and the way we communicate and what we talk about all day is WHO WE ARE. So to just stop venting is hard to do. You need to replace your negative, PoA-driven thoughts with other thoughts. Little by little.

I always post this experiment you can do with yourself to see how deep you are into the venting. Set a timer for 10 minutes. Sit in a quiet room all alone. Close your eyes. Try not to think of your PoA or anything about him (or, for that matter, love or another lover, or relationships past, present or future). WHat other thoughts can you think? What else have you got on your mind? When I did this experiment, I was shocked and saddened. I had literally NOTHING to think about besides my PoA. No wonder no one ever wanted to talk to me. I ONLY talked about the PoA, nothing else. I knew nothing about art, music, politics, what was going on in the news. Nothing. That’s how obsessed I was.

That experiment was a huge wake up call for me. I didn’t want to be like that. So, I took action to fill my head with other stuff. I started writing again, I started to learn more about politics, I took classes, I got more involved (and thus, more present) at work and with my kids. And you know what, I trained my brain to stop depending on the habit of venting.

Venting is a crutch. It keeps you anchored to your addiction. When you are really ready to recover, the venting has to go. It’s not productive. And the ONLY way you can truly see this is once you’ve given it up and moved on. You can look back with 20/20 vision.

Do you agree? Disagree? As always, share your thoughts.

Here is also an old blog on “Obsession” which sheds some light into what I was going through four years ago regarding the thoughts in my head and how I communicated. Hope it helps!

Also, here’s a video blog on “obsessing” which, if you changed the wording around to “venting” may also be helpful.

Fighting back negative thoughts

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I am REALLY struggling this month with negative thoughts floating around in my head. I have been under a lot of pressure lately with work and kids and it just seems that my only outlet is to secretly bash everything and everyone in the private space between my ears. Thing is, it’s non-stop! “Who does she think she is?” “What a loser,” “I really hate when people are hypocrites,” “Who does that?!” “I can’t stand the way he does this,” “I think she’s jealous and bored and manipulative,” “I hate her,” “I hate him…”

It goes on and on. And then there’s the script that I play over and over where I am talking directly to the person I am angry with. I summon as many examples as I can to bolster my argument to put the other person in their place, shame them, yell at them, punish them.

I hate to say it, but lately, I am filled with so much hate and anger and I don’t know where it’s coming from.

It’s partly coming from being overworked and over stressed. From having too many people in my house and not enough adult time. Not enough quiet time. Alone time. I am angry that I can no longer control my environment.

Another part of it is coming from others who are stressed out as well and kinda taking their issues out on me. Because I am under so much stress myself, I don’t have a lot of positive force within me to handle it, so I fall apart much quicker. I snap more easily. My skin is not as thick.

And of course, because of all this extra stress, I have been sick for MONTHS. One cold after another. One doctor’s visit after another. I am so worn out!

The biggest problem is that I feel STUCK. I know that I have to force the negative thoughts out of my head. I know I have to give up control. I know I have to be grateful and see the beauty in things. But sometimes (now!) those affirmations and bits of advice just don’t work. Enter frustration. Not only am I dealing with negative thoughts, I am unable to resolve the problems that are causing the negative thoughts. Argh. My usual method of dealing with problems is to isolate and avoid everyone. But I can’t do that in a household of six people! So…there’s gotta be another way. In a TIME article, it says I should just “accept” my negative thoughts, and yet, they are not always about myself. They are about others. Judging, angry, hateful thoughts about how others have “wronged” me or hurt me in some way.

How do you deal with negative thoughts? DO you have any techniques to help deal with stopping the thoughts or changing your mind about something? PLease post your ideas! I’m in need :) So, far, the only thing I am trying to do is drown out the negative thinking by listening to NPR, going to spin class (but I still think negative in class, at least until my body takes over) and I have been reading a book on Native American spirituality, which helps a bit.

Shallow self-love or deep?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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One of the hardest things i ever had to learn was what real self-love was all about. Back when I was in high school, I thought it was all about dressing weird and different and being yourself and bragging about how great you were. I also thought if I intimidated others, that was a form of self-love (i.e. I loved it when others would tell me I intimate them). I also loved some of my behavior and sometimes I even liked my looks.

What more was there?

Well, for starters, while I was loving myself on a very basic, shallow level, I was smoking like a chimney, I was dating men who didn’t treat me well, I was working at loser jobs, I wasn’t going to college, I wasn’t taking care of myself financially, and so on. It’s like if you say you love dancing, but never actually dance.

Eventually, when I quit smoking I spent a lot of time on a quit smoking site and I heard over and over again, “Your body is a temple! Don’t pollute it!” It was THEN at age 39 that I finally realized, to love yourself means to believe that you are SACRED. And when you believe that you are SACRED, you don’t pollute it. Not only with chemicals, but PEOPLE TOO.

The year I quit smoking I also quit all my PoA’s and toxic friends. I went back to grad school and I started to really take care of ME. I got my finances in order, I started working harder at my job, I spent more quality time with my kids and family and those who love me.

That to me is self love.

How about you? Do you love yourself to the point of taking care of yourself? How do you take care of yourself? Do you believe you are SACRED? Do you love some areas of who you are, but not others?

Tell us!