Monthly Archives: September 2011

More on Values…

Posted on by l0velyjune
7

When we decide to make an emotional and/or physical commitment to someone, we get all the baggage–good and bad– that comes with that individual. That means that we not only inherit a potential fun, charming or good looking partner, but we also inherit all his or her idiosyncrasies, habits, fears, neurosis, behaviors, skeletons in the closet, past relationships, and even some long-standing childhood insecurities that still might be lingering. We get it all.

So, the object of dating is to determine what you might inherit, before making an actual commitment to someone. Because, let’s be real, once we make a commitment to someone, be it marriage or co-habitation or even a promise to remain together, it’s a very difficult bond to break once you have second thoughts. It’s your job, therefore, to know what you can handle and what you can’t. And this is where I always seemed to mess up. I thought I could handle anything! Oh, how wrong I was.

Here’s an example of what I mean.

Take G, for example, an old PoA of mine with whom I was madly in love. I used to say he “only” has four issues (count ‘em, four!). Who can’t handle four little issues? Trouble was, I seemed to have a very difficult time dealing with these four little issues to the point of near-complete frustration and pain. So, what were his issues (according to me?) Here there are:

  • He smoked pot
  • He was too individualistic (meaning he did not want to move in together)
  • He dressed like a street person (he got away with this one because he was a musician)
  • He didn’t enjoy having sex–like, ever.

When I looked at this list on its own, it was a no-brainer. There was no reason I should stay with this guy. But I didn’t do that. Instead, I focused on his positives and shut my eyes to these other issues. I mean, I didn’t want to complain about four little problems. G was, after all, funny, intelligent, and creative– all things that were very important to me. He treated me fairly well, we never fought, we got along well, he called me on the phone incessantly, we laughed all the time, I was attracted to him, and we were “in love.”

And yet these four issues of his, no matter how much I tried to ignore them, kept rearing their ugly heads. They wouldn’t go away. And I certainly couldn’t change him or inspire him to change (despite trying!) In fact, I ended up saying the old cliched line: “If you really loved me, you’d quit smoking,” or “If you really loved me, you’d move in with me.”

Eventually, as is usually the case, those seemingly inconsequential problems became bigger than his good qualities. These four issues outweighed all G’s positives ten to one. But I still couldn’t figure out why, or why I was staying.

And then, one day, I learned about VALUES, and it hit me. I had none. I thought I could handle anything, but I couldn’t (no one can). I thought I was strong, but it turns out I was dumb. And I thought I was courageous, but really I was weak. I was weak because having a relationship (any relationship) outweighed the idea of living a healthy life or being alone. It became more important than my own well being.

Also, I set little value to my own personal core beliefs. I really could not handle having a close relationship with someone who smoked pot, did drugs or drank heavily (heck , my dad died of a drug overdose). And yet, I would date men that had addictions. I really could not handle the idea that a man wouldn’t want to have sex with me. Hello! I’m sexy. How could I date someone who simply wasted this valuable asset of mine? And yet, I did.

Why did I get into this predicament if I knew I couldn’t handle certain things? Who wants to be neglected? WHo wants to be teased or disrespected? Or treated badly? No one. But when you don’t know your values, you think you have no choice. You think you have to inherit junk.

When you have no values, how do you know what you can and cannot handle? Well, I did some soul searching, and wrote out a iist and soon found out what I could and could not accept in my life.

G’s issues ultimately became the foundation to my personal list of VALUES. And when I began dating after him, I had a road map. I let my values be my guide. I knew what qualities, behaviors, or idiosyncrasies to stay away from and I knew what qualities I liked.

Here’s a list of my most important values:

1. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who drinks heavily or does drugs. Absolutely no way.
2. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who lies.
3. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who cheats.
4. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who cannot take care of himself
5. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who does not treat my children or his with decency and respect
6. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who hurts or abuses me mentally or physically.
7. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who does not enjoy physical affection and sex.
8. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t allow me my space
9. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who is an avoidant
10. I will not remain in a committed relationship with someone who is not mutually committed to me.

Most importantly, I knew how to place a boundary around myself when I encountered someone who did not share my same values. This was hard to do. Why? Because it takes a few dates to know if someone shares your values. You start to make an investment and have hope. And oftentimes, after I had started to feel an emotional intensity for someone, I would have to give them up because I learned they did not share my same values.

It was also difficult because I had to give up a lot and change my habits. It meant staying home alone when all my friends were going out to bars to try and pick up guys (I didn’t want to find someone at a bar if one of my most important values was “no alcoholics!”). And it meant I could not have a relationship with just anybody, simply because we “clicked.” I would, after all, be inheriting more than just a “click.” So, I learned to be patient and not invest my heart so quickly. I learned that dating is not about immediate gratification, but rather, deferring gratification, and simply enjoying people by learning about them first, before getting hot and heavy.

And lastly, I learned that absolutely everyone has issues, shortcomings and drawbacks, but that I can handle some of those problems, whereas others I cannot.

D, for example, is sometimes overly sensitive and I have to watch my “tone” around him (no Italian screaming). That’s a problem I can handle. He sometimes forgets to call the repair guy, or put the toilet seat down, but he never forgets my birthday, he never forgets to say I love you, and he never forgets to help me with the dishes every night. D complains sometimes. And yet, he is aware of the bigger picture and quite grateful. He’s sometimes very wasteful when it comes to food, water, electricity or other resources. And he probably fools around on his cell phone more than I’d like. But I can handle ALL of those problems because D shares my core values. He does not drink or do drugs, he’s healthy, not afraid of commitment, very passionate, never neglects me, I love the way he dresses, and so much more.

Do you see how one set of problems can be handled, whereas another set cannot? And we are all different too. Different values will show up on each person’s list.

So, here’s your challenge: What are YOUR values? How does your current or past partner stack up? Are you willing to make changes and place your personal values above all else? What does that mean to you? What would you have to give up to be true to yourself?

The Healthy Relationship pie chart

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

This is the hardest thing to understand, but a healthy relationship should not be based on LOVE alone. That’s when we tend to get ourselves into trouble. We think love will save the day, and love conquers all. IT DOES NOT. You have to like a person, you have to trust a person, feel stable with them, feel unintimidated. They have to be nice, kind, respectful, loving, they have to SHARE YOUR SAME VALUES…and you have to be all those things for that person in return.

When we take a look at the Healthy Relationship pie, love is only one slice, not the whole darn pie. So, in dating, push the idea of love aside, and see if you’ve got all the other things to build on. In my case, LOVE was not what attracted or sustained D and I in the beginning. And why should it have been? Love is the byproduct of mutual respect, friendship, trust and kindness. It is not something you get or feel right away. 

So then what’s that feeling, if not love?

While I was acting out as a love addict I mistook intense emotions for love. The two are HUGELY different. Love is the result of many good things shared between two people. Intense emotion for another person, however, is immediate, it’s somewhat chaotic and mostly irrational. In the early stages of dating it’s so important to know the difference between the two. I also want to clarify that this is not a “dating pie”; it’s a healthy relationship pie. What’s the difference? Love would not be on a dating pie, nor would trust or friendship. Those things are built over time. They are things that the two people involved work towards to create. If these things are not created within the relationship over a significant amount of time, then you might have a relationship, alright, but it’s not a healthy one.

A dating pie, might have respect, shared values, kindness, common interests, chemistry (intense emotions); it may even have friendship if you were friends prior. But it does not have love or trust. Again, those things are built over time. See the difference?

Remember that love is earned ONLY when all the other slices of the pie are present. So here’s something to consider when you look at your current or past relationship: how much importance did I assign to “love”? How much importance did I assign to friendship, shared values, or trust? How did my relationship stack up to this pie chart. Was love the only thing that was on my pie chart? Or were there other things that held the relationship together (sex? flirting? convenience? need?) Did I have a dating pie or did I have a healthy relationship pie? Make your own pie chart from a past relationship, and make a future pie chart of what you would prefer your relationship to be built on.

For more on this topic, see Susan Peabody’s explanation of “romantic love.”

He’s right, she’s wrong (or is that vice versa?)

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

Yesterday, D got upset with me. Two things usually set him off: when my “tone” is aggressive, despite me having good intentions (eg. When he went out during the tail end of the hurricane to pick up fallen branches, but the wind was still blowing pretty strongly. My response: “What are you doing??!?! Get in the house!!!” His response: “DOn’t yell at me!”); and when I accuse him of some character defecit (eg. When I say things like, “you’re not understanding me,” or “You probably should have seen that one coming,” or “It seems like you might not be very in touch with your emotions…”)

Granted, no one wants to be yelled at, nor told that they’re doing something wrong. But sometimes, he’s a litte too senstive. Hell, he’s dating an Italian woman. I thought my “tone” was colorful ;)

Anyway, so last night, he was very upset because his group of core friends from high school (think “Bill Chill“; if you’re younger think “Old School“) attempted to plan a turning 40 party for one of their other friends, and kinda included D, but kinda didn’t. The upsetting part is that D is turning 40 too, a day after this other friend. For starters, that wasn’t acknowledged in any of the correspondence. Then, when they decided on a time when they could all get together, they ended up changing it, later,  to a time when D couldn’t go. Needless to say, he felt hugely snubbed. And so I comforted him as best I could. “Those guys are self-centered assholes, and they’ll never change…” I said.  ”Yeah!” He agreed. “How dare they leave you out when you’re just as much a part of that group as anybody,” I said. “Yeah!” He agreed. And then, “But darling, you shouldn’t have any expectations of them because they do this all the time!” With that, he snapped at me too. Suddenly it was, “You’re not helping any. “In fact, you’re making things worse.”

“How so?” I asked. “It’s the truth. Those guys can’t be trusted and you should know that by now.”

“I don’t need to be told, ‘You should know better’ when that doesn’t change the fact that I’m a little upset right now and have a right to be upset.”

“Sure! You have a right to be upset. I’m not trying to take that away from you. But doesn’t it help to be reminded that this is nothing personal? That you’re in control of having expectations of these idiots or having none, based on knowing their history?” I mean let’s be realistic, here. They do this all the time.

“No, it doesn’t. Because while I have no expectations of most of them, I do have slightly higher expecations of some of them.”

The conversation basically went on like that, but I ended up feeling pissed off myself that as soon as I state a fairly obvious truth, D gets angry with me.

D and I don’t bicker. And we don’t get into many arguments. But it’s these moments when I feel he doesn’t quite understand my intention. And that bothers me. I never mean to hurt. I never want to tell him that he’s wrong, no good or bad at something, and so when he thinks that’s what I am doing, I feel hugely misunderstood. On top of that when he calls me out on it, it makes me feel attacked.

I mean, is it so wrong to want to draw attention to someone’s own part in their upset? Is it so wrong to want to help them place some of the blame on themselves? Heck, this is what recovery is all about, isn’t it? Removing blame from the PoA and placing it squarely on our own shoulders. And yet, I am beginning to realize that not everyone in the world is in “recovery mode” and not everyone wants to accept blame for something they clearly believe they didn’t create or do. Events are done unto people. Period. And there is no personal responsibility for it. And if there is, it doesn’t always need to be mentioned. Is this right? I guess it is. On a scale of human behavior where one end it total insanity and the other is complete self-awareness and good health, I consider D to be pretty close to the  emotionally and mentally healthy guy. A real marker of “normal” if ever there were such a thing. And yet, at times like these, I kinda think he’s being a big baby.

I wanted to post this for its inconsequentialness. This is what healthy relationships are all about. A healthy balance between two totally different, unique individuals and their personal idiosyncrasies. The “Im right”; “No, I’m right” moments we cannot avoid simply because no two people think alike. So, I’d take this any day as opposed to the extreme imbalance, drama and love-sick insanity and confusion of my past!

But I’m still right, right? ;)

Chasing after someone who’s moved on?

Posted on by l0velyjune
7

There’s is an underlying, core belief that needs to shift in order for you to stop chasing after someone who no longer wants to date you, someone who has moved on. And the belief is very hard for me to describe here, but I’ll try via a story:

When I was younger I fell in love with this kid named B. I chased after him and chased after him, until finally, we hooked up. I was in bliss. One night of bliss that is. Because the next day, when I saw him, he ignored me. This hot and cold behavior went on and on over the course of a year. He mostly ignored me and then when he was bored or lonely and wanted a hook up, he’d call and I’d run out the door to meet him.

Then one day, I went over his house after school, and I had with me my backpack with all my books. In one of my star-crossed moments I told him I was a writer and wrote stories about “us.” He laughed at me, but wanted to read my journal and so I showed him, thinking he would love me more if he knew I had written about him.

After he finished reading my journal, he placed the book down on the coffee table. In an extremely rare, uncharacteristic moment, he looked at me and said, “you’re a really good writer.” I was flushed with joy! Finally a compliment where usually there was an insult. Within seconds I started to have hope. But two seconds later, he flicked me from my pedestal. He asked me a question that would change my life. He said, “LJ, why don’t you chase after someone who really likes you?”

I was crushed. How dare he tell me who to chase after, or how to feel. How dare he reject me. I quickly left his house crying, only to continue crying for him even more when he started to date another girl, who, in my opinion, was total trash. How could he date someone so yucky, classless and trashy when there was ME. I was good, wholesome, funny, pretty, SMART and available! I didn’t understand. I was so confused. And soon enough, not only did I become jealous of this other girl, but I wanted to be more like her.

Here I was trying to be someone I was not, and I was trying to erase all my good wonderful qualities. I falsely believed that if B was ever to love me, I had to be more like this girl. And I was in no way shape or form like this girl. She was missing a tooth, she did drugs, she had quit high school, and she hung out with bad people who got into trouble with the law. Nothing like me. There was however two things about her that I envied: (aside from her missing tooth, she was a very pretty blond, AND she had B).

I couldn’t for the life of me understand why he would go for her and not me. And then it HIT me like a brick wall. His preference in women had NOTHING to do with how smart I was, kind I was, pretty I was or available I was. His preference in women was simply his own weird, quirky preference and nothing more (maybe a bit of his own insecurity for smart, bold women). Sure, he liked me. He tolerated me. I’m sure it boosted his ego to have someone chase after him like I did. But when it came down to it, he did not have feelings for me like I had for him. And it had nothing to do with me being a “loser” or a “failure.” It had to do with normal, natural, healthy personal preference. Period.

To further support this, I compared this same idea to celebrities. My friends used to make fun of me because I was madly in love with Prince, while they were all in love with Bono from U2 (I’m dating myself now!). But when I thought of Bono, I cringed. I thought he was ugly and I simply wasn’t attracted to him. But he was a star! Millions of women loved him. Millions of women would have died to sleep with him. But not me. And the truth, even if I ran into him in a night club and he tried to pick me up, I would have probably told him to take a walk. Not interested!

Think about it. WHat did Bono do wrong? What was he lacking? Was he a loser? The answers: he did nothing wrong. He wasn’t lacking anything. And he was not a loser. But I simply had no feeling for him like I had for Prince. Prince was a totally different story!

So…do you get my point? You are not doing anything wrong except one thing: you are denying yourself the opportunity to be loved FOR YOU, by someone who deeply appreciates you, just the way you are. If your ex has moved on and is dating someone new, it means his PREFERENCE has changed. Period. It does not mean YOU are no good in the eyes of the entire world. Bah! It means it’s time for you to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and stop trying to be someone or something you’re not. It means it’s time for you to deeply understand what B told me years ago: “chase after someone who really likes you?” (OK, well maybe “chase” is the wrong word, but you get my point).

Before you can stop the stalking and end the jealousy, I believe you have to have a deep understanding of this concept. That other people do not validate us. When they leave our lives or reject us, it is not because we are losers. It is because their preferences have changed. I am a dark-haired 43-year-old Italian woman. I am 5’3″ fairly well-educated, funny and a little bossy sometimes. I have two kids. I am divorced. If meet someone who prefers young blonds, with a PhD, no kids and a jet set life, then I am denying myself the opportunity to be loved by someone who prefers MY qualities and what I have to offer. Understand?

The very basic point I am trying to make is LOVE YOURSELF. Respect yourself. When you love and respect yourself, you want nothing to do with people who ignore you or no longer want to date you. Your core belief in you and your own self worth becomes more important and more crucial than your need to be loved and validated by someone who is only offering scraps. 

Can you let go?

Posted on by l0velyjune
11
Slash 'n' Burn

Image via Wikipedia

I think we hold on to ex boyfriends (or girlfriends) so tightly and for so long, long after they’re gone,  because we consider them a part of who we are. Like an arm or a leg. Like a family member.  We compartmentalize them and arrange our lives around their memory. They may even be like a lifeline to something that bears connection to something much bigger than ourselves.

For me, I kept journals all my life. Each journal was literally devoted to a different GUY. The eras of my life were broken into who I was dating at the time. It was how I categorized and moved through my entire history. There’s the G era, the R era, the D era, the other D era, the P era and so….Trying to get rid of this kind of ingrained classification system is almost like trying to erase big chunks of your history. It’s  impossible unless you are willing to train your brain to think differently. Instead of associating huge tracts of my life with some man, I have started to associate other things within that timeframe: school, travel, work…And it helped. 1989 is no longer the H era, but the Paris days. 2008 was not the S year, but the year my Uncle died, and the year I got serious about my recovery.  But even when I try to redefine my history, those pesky exs keep popping back into my memory and with good cause. That is who I was. That is how I lived my life for so long. I cannot erase my history.

Also, I used to hold on to old letters and memorabilia from ex bfs. Boxes upon boxes of letters from inconsequential guys telling me, “you’re hot,” or “I love you.” I saved them because I envisioned others finding these letters when I was dead and gone. They would read the letters and think, “Wow! She was truly loved by so many…” But what silliness!

More realistically, my great-grandchildren would find those letters they’d think, “Grandma was a slut.” Or “She sure did get around.”

Definitely not the legacy I want to leave behind.

So now, it’s all about slash and burn. I no longer feel validated by those letters. They no longer define my worth. If anything, they burdened me, and so they all got tossed. Interestingly, I used to feel such a deep sense of loss at the thought of throwing the stuff out that I never did it. But now I feel as though the empty space is more of a gain. I feel free.

So…how do you hang on and how do you plan to let go? Write it out. Talk about it. Do you physically hold on to memories, or do you hold on emotionally. What do you think will happen to you if you let go? What are you afraid of?

Is gratitude possible when you feel you have nothing?

Posted on by l0velyjune
4

I’m on a gratitude kick. Gratitude is possibly the most important ingredient in withdrawal and recovery, let alone LIFE ITSELF. It is a measure of maturity, and it is a strengthening tool that creates within you a more positive perspective of the world.

When we are grateful, we are able to get out of our heads and out of our suffering Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we focus on what we do have–our strengths, our gifts, our situation in life.

And just as suffering is all relative (meaning a person with a splinter can feel the same pain as a person who lost his leg, depending on his PERSPECTIVE), gratitude is all relative also, based on PERSPECTIVE. For example, a woman who makes $8,000 a year and has a child to support can be just as grateful for her beautiful life as someone who makes $100,000 a year. How is that possible?

How is one man’s trash, another man’s treasure? How is the glass half empty when the same glass to someone else is half full?

Perspective.

My point: gratitude comes from your ability to perceive things, it doesn’t come from “reality.” It is not based on what you actually have versus what you don’t. It is simply based on how you perceive what have and what you don’t. If all you’ve got is a roof over your head, then your perception of your situation can either be one of two things.

Here’s a SAME EXACT HOUSE SCENARIO, with two different perspectives:
1.) I am grateful for this roof over my head. Period. I will get the leaks fixed. Not everyone is sleeping in a warm bed tonight, but I am. And for that, I have want of nothing more. I am very lucky.
or
2.) I only have a roof over my head. I have nothing else. And it’s a small roof and it’s leaking. THere’s a whole world out there of bigger and better houses and I’m jealous of those more fortunate that me. My life is very unlucky.

So, what are you grateful for? All or part of your life? Do you feel as though you should have certain things in your life that you don’t? Are you focused on what you could be, what you could have? Or are you grateful for what’s right in front of you? Think about what your perception of your world is and how you can CHOOSE to make it positive or negative. YOu can CHOOSE to be happy with what you’ve got, or miserable about what you haven’t got.

Unsolicited advice: Being grateful takes time and EFFORT. You don’t just wake up one morning and you’re grateful. You build on an idea, whether you believe it or not. And then you start to train your brain to think in new, more positive ways. Keep a gratitude journal. Start every morning off writing 3 things you are grateful for and WHY. Don’t forget the WHY. The more you develop your gratitude for small things, the more your gratitude grows!

So, the next time you flip out and think it’s the end of the world because the PoA didn’t call, try to put things in *perspective.* Think of the man with no arms and no legs. How on earth can he be so happy? He has no right. Think of the mother whose child is kidnapped  and sold to become a child soldier at the age of 8.  Think of the father who loses his son to drugs. Or the woman who is stricken with brain cancer and given 3 months to live and say goodbye to her family and friends. The more you put your own life into perspective, the more you are capable of truly understanding gratitude, and being happy within yourself. Love addiction and the personal suffering you endure because of it, almost becomes a luxury when you think of what others are dealing with. 

Top vitamins & minerals for recovery

Posted on by l0velyjune
4

Stressed out?
Here are some of the best vitamins and minerals that can help take the edge off & reduce anxiety through withdrawal and recovery!

All stress is not bad. Most temporary stress is based on the body’s ability to send chemical messages to other parts of the body that need to take action. Noticing an accident within a few hundred feet ahead of you, stress chemicals known as cortisol are released and you immediately slam on your brakes. When the threat, or the perceived threat is over, your body works to return to normal. And in most cases, this goes off without a hitch.

But sometimes, stress lingers and your body continues to sense a threat, real or imagined. When this happens, the sympathetic nervous system stays chronically stimulated, risking long term health problems, which can include anything from migraines, anxiety-disorders, high blood pressure, depression, heart disease, a compromised immune system, alcoholism, love addiction, muscle pain, fatigue, insomnia and even death.

Taking action to de-stress is crucial to your health and overall well-being. It means finding a MANAGMEMENT PLAN that works, and getting your body and mind back in shape. As a supplement to your “plan,” these essential vitamins and minerals offer some a serious boost to mood.

  • Omega-3s (EPA and DHA) Nothing has proved more potent than the effects of EPA and DHA on brain health. And let’s be real, that’s one of the first things anyone who craves de-stressing needs to address first. Calming their mind! With hormones fluctuating and moods rapidly changing due to, a good omega-3 can do wonders to regulate mood and improve overall brain health. But not just any omega-3 product or fish oil will do the trick. I highly recommend these . They are safe, doctor-recommended, highly potent and molecularly distilled. And they can be purchased online.
  • Vitamin B1 (Thiamine) B vitamins are commonly utilized for depression, occasional stress, fatigue, irritability, healing and digestion, and a potent dose of Vitamin B1 is no exception. B1 may help mental function, thinking clearly and mood.
  • Vitamin B2 (Riboflavin)Vitamin B2 has been used for fatigue, stress and migraines and plays an important role in the metabolism of amino acids and fats, which are beneficial for the brain.
  • Vitamin B3 (Niacinimide) There are two types of B3, niacin, which is for cholesterol; and niacinimide, which is the form used for anxiety. Make sure to supplement with niacinimide for stress.
  • Vitamin B5 (Pantothenic acid) This B5 Vitamin, the alleged anti-stress vitamin, aids the use of other B vitamins and helps produce neurotransmitters like acetylcholine, which can balance dopamine’s effect.
  • Vitamin B6 Serotonin, the “feel good” chemical, and an important key chemical for mood and sleep, is made from an amino acid that uses an enzyme generated from Vitamin B6. Enough said!
  • Vitamin B12 and Folic Acid Any deficiency in B12 or folic acid could lead to a series of biochemical reactions, which could impair neurotransmitter production. Vitamin B-12 is one of the most important in the B group.
  • 5-HTP This is an amino acid derivative, much like tryptophan, and basically works to safely elevate mood (and levels of serotonin). “Serotonin promotes a sense of well-being, decreases depression, and makes the glass look half full–and 5-HTP helps the body synthesize more serotonin in a more natural way,” says Russell Canfield, M.D., a clinical assistant professor at the University of New Mexico School of Medicine in Albuquerque. Take 50 to 100 mg once or twice a day to start, and then you can increase dosage over time. If, however, you are taking an antidepressant, be sure to consult your doc on this first. Too much serotonin may cause confusion, increase in heart-rate and loss of coordination.
  • CoQ10 CoQ10 is manufactured by the body, but decreases with age or after ingestion of certain medications over time. It may also decrease with long term stress. So to supplement with it is imperative if you are trying to de-stress. It’s known to help relieve migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome and heart conditions. The same company that sells omega-3s, also sells a fabulous CoQ10 product called Res-Q CellPower.
  • Exercise While exercise is not exactly a vitamin or mineral, it does create a chemical reaction in the body very much like a potent vitamin. Exercising for at least 25 minutes a day should be part of your de-stressing/recovery plan, no matter what. Aside from studies which now prove exercise to be equally effective in curing depression, it’s good for you. WebMD has a great exercise guide to help you get started.

Keep in mind there is no “happy pill.” Even anti-anxiety meds don’t cure stress or remove the underlying cause of stress. Nor can all stress be eliminated from your life. But it can be managed. And remember, that’s the key–management of stress, not complete elimination. And always be sure to talk to your doc before taking any drug or all-natural product.

So you don’t think you’re a love addict, huh?

Posted on by l0velyjune
2

So, I go into this cafe the other day and sit down to have a decaf and a blueberry muffin (biggest weakness ever). And I end up talking to this amazing woman, sitting at a table next to me, who somehow ends up telling me the story of her life –how she’s in her second marriage, and he treats her like garbage, so she started having an affair with someone else, and then she fell in love instantly, but now she can’t seem to let go of the hubby…and….

And then she started crying and said, “I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do.”

So, I came right out and said, “You sound like a love addict.” And I proceeded to write down the web address to this site, thinking I was doing this poor girl the biggest favor ever. But she looked at me like I had five heads, and quickly replied, “Umm. I am NOT a love addict.”

There I go. Labeling people without their approval. Thinking I know best. When in reality, I am obviously offending them.

So, I quickly apologized and said that I didn’t mean to upset her. And then I added that she should just check into the site anyway, because there’s some really great relationship advice on it. She was OK with that. We actually hugged goodbye and went our separate ways.

But it got me thinking. Why are so many woman so opposed to being labeled a “love addict?”  I’ve even heard another woman confess to having a five-year love affair with a married man that she  simply couldn’t break it off with. When I told her she might be a love addict, her response was the same. “Absolutely not.” So, what’s the aversion to being called a love addict? And what’s more, what’s the difference between someone who calls themselves a love addict as opposed to someone who just has crappy relationships?

For starters, I think the way we culturally and socially define love addiction has to change. The term “love addict,” to many, has a horrible stigma attached to it. It conjures up the image of some lonely, desperate woman who stalks her “prey” and begs for love obsessively from any man she comes in contact with. On top of that, the term “addict” is reminiscent of “junkie,” “heroin addict,” “pill-popper,” “alcoholic,” or “freak.” Quite frankly, who wants to relate to those images? I certainly didn’t. I never stalked, I never begged, and I was rather selective when it came to whom I dated (well, sort of). In fact, most men chased after me (true!). And by God, when they wanted out of the relationship, See ya! They were free to go. I never tried to hang on or cling to someone who clearly (operative word, clearly) no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me. So, why then, was I so I willing to call myself a love addict when others are not?

Second, people are often in denial about who they are. Part of my willingness to accept the label “love addict” came from my enormous desire to change. I didn’t care what anyone was going to label me, I simply wanted answers, and I wanted to a better way. Also, in my case, I began to realize that being prone to crappy relationships wasn’t just a coincidence. It was a pattern of mine that I couldn’t seem to break out of. It meant that I was the culprit and not just the men I dated. I wasn’t just unlucky. I was actually the one responsible for this unpleasant life that I was creating for myself.  Lastly,  I turned to The List of 40 Questions for answers. Sadly, I was able to check yes to questions like, “When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.” Or, “You fall in love very easily and too quickly.” Or even, “Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.” Honesty with myself and an ability to throw out my pride, helped me to overlook labels and overcome denial.

Third, some people simply don’t recognize there’s a problem. But I’ve got news for you. Falling in love with an unavailable, married man isn’t just bad luck or something that happened to you. It’s a choice YOU made and it says something about your own personal inability to accept better for yourself. And hopping from boyfriend to husband in the hopes of finding happiness, isn’t the best strategy for managing your life or finding out who you are. And hanging on to someone who neglects you, lies to you, cheats on you and hurts you is not acceptable. It doesn’t just go with the territory. Love is not supposed to hurt. And yet so many people accept their “lot” in life and don’t know there is a way out.

Lastly, maybe they’re just not a love addict. Not everyone is. The definition of an addict is a person who is “abnormally dependent on some habit” to the point of it interfering with the safety, security or well-being of his or her life of others’ lives. Furthermore, love addiction is really the avoidance of the self. We seek out love and obsess over others when we are too afraid to confront our own lives or face our fears. Some of us, however,  manage our lives quite well, have great friendships, good families and successfully take care of ourselves despite our ability or desire to enter into a  romantic relationship. I often think of people like Gandhi, Mother Theresa, your friendly (single) neighborhood pastor, or the girl or guy next door  who simply loves his or her alone time more than the idea of coupling up. Also, there are people who get into bad situations, or have one or two bad relationships, but then, end up learning from their mistakes and eventually find a strong, mutually committed relationship.

I think the tell tale sign of  love addiction, at least in most cases, is  a pattern of dysfunctional behavior that typically lasts longer than 2-3 years and is marked by an inability or a refusal to leave a relationship despite obvious pain, suffering and/or abuse. If this is the case, I wouldn’t worry about labels. I would read as much as I can and try to become healthy. Period. Addiction or not, I’m guessing you could use the advice.  Also, take The List of 40 Questions quiz and see what you come up with. That’s the best way to evaluate your situation.

You love the new you, but he doesn’t. Now what?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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You’re in recovery. You’re changing. You’re finding your voice. Finding your strength.  Standing up for yourself. Creating values. Making boundaries. And sticking to them. It’s all good and you feel so proud of the changes you’ve made. You’re Wonder Woman. But suddenly, you notice that your guy is getting angrier and more distant the stronger you become.

What happened? He’s supposed to be totally amazed at your transformation. He’s supposed to be totally blown away by the fact that you’ve stopped nagging him, or obsessing over where he is or why he hasn’t called yet. He’s supposed to feel more empowered now that you are gaining some independence of your own. But none of that is happening. Instead, he’s angry, suspicious, perhaps even more aggressive and just plain ‘ol nasty. In fact, he now wants nothing to do with you.

Years ago, I read Dr. Phil‘s “Relationship Rescue,” which claimed that if YOU (only you) changed your ways, the relationship would be saved. It was based on the idea that you were only in control of changing yourself and not your partner, and that as soon as you improved your outlook on your life, it would inherently change the dynamics between you and your partner and make for a happier, peaceful relationship. And this would be true, IF you were with a healthy individual whom you love and who loves you in return. It does not work in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship and the reason is simple.

When you recover, when you change the very core of your belief system and actually, for the first time in your life acquire values (where before you had none) you transform the Laws of Attraction which initially brought you and your partner together. You’re different. You’re no longer on the same level as your partner. In fact, according to how radical your change is, you’re on a totally different planet!

Water seeks its own level. Think about it. It took me years to understand this concept. But it’s true. Like attracts like, and when your position in life moves or changes from one place to another so do the people in it. Think of the blue collar worker who marries an uneducated girl. She becomes a housewife, raises the kids and then, when they go off to college, she decides to go to college herself and become an attorney. Suddenly, there’s a socio-economic disparity between this couple that wasn’t there before.  If the two individuals within the marriage are strong enough, confident enough within themselves and still have a lot in common then the marriage might last. But if the relationship was shaky to begin with and each within the marriage do not have much self-confidence,  the husband might  feel “intimidated” or threatened by his wife’s success, while the wife might feel as though she no longer has anything in common with the husband. It happens all the time.

And the same can be said for your situation. Your current relationship, or the one you had before you decided to do your personal overhaul, was forged on a dysfunctional dynamic. Take, for example, the  love addict/avoidant model. In order for this relationship to work, one person must be pursued (the avoidant) while the other must be the pursuer (the love addict). The moment one of these people changes this particular dynamic, (you stop pursuing, for example) the relationship falls apart. An avoidant can’t be an avoidant if there’s no one to avoid! In simpler terms, your partner needs you to be unhealthy and dysfunctional because he is too!

My point? Don’t sell yourself short for the sake of holding on to the relationship. Continue to follow your path. It’s hard to do, because initially you feel like you might be losing something. But, believe in yourself.  The healthiest thing you can do is to continue to make wonderful strides in recovery and allow your current relationship to run its course.

Bottom line: when you change for the better a true sign of a loving, caring partner is one who supports your changes and encourages them. Have the continued courage to recognize this and move on if necessary.

How you got here

Posted on by l0velyjune
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And how you can get out…

We are all so different, with a different combination of events that brings us to any certain point. But here we are. And there are a few generalities– a few paths that we probably all walked down at some point in our lives to bring us here. There were false beliefs, too, that we ended up inheriting that pushed us toward this uncomfortable place. Here were the five main ones that made me a love addict and five great steps to take to get out of the love addict rut…

1. No Self-Esteem/No Self Worth: When you place no value on yourself, you tend to view the world and the people in it as better than you. You tend to accept abuse, scraps, neglect and pain as part of life because there is nothing in your mind that can measure your worth and place you above the scraps. This can come from any number of places– childhood, teen years, even early adulthood. Someone could have told us we were “nothing” among all the love we received and yet “nothing” stuck. Why? Who knows. We related to it. We allowed it to stick. But no self-worth is the number one issue that got you into this mess. Solution: Start to believe you are worth more. Easier said than done. But self-esteem books CAN help! Here’s a list of suggested readings.

2. No Set of Personal Values/Boundaries: The idea of having values was a foreign one for me. I never actually figure out what values were until about 3 years ago. But basically, it is a belief that something is so important to you and it is the ability to hold on to that belief and protect it at all costs. When we protect our core beliefs/values, we are engaging in self love. We are saying THIS VALUE is so important to me that I want to make sure everyone in my life shares it also. When you don’t have values, you are like a bad filtration system that lets in a ton of junk and toxic pollutants. For more on values read here.  Solution: figure out what you believe in, what you love, what you need in your life (hint: be more specific than “a boyfriend” or “love,” because that’s not a value. A value is more likely to be something like, “I need no drama in my life,” or “I need to feel respected and not abused.”

3. No Model of What Healthy Love Looks Like: If you don’t know what a healthy, loving relationship looks like, how can you be in one? My father was nuts and my mother was co-dependent. That’s what I learned. Here’s more on this topic. And here.
 Solution: Find a better model of a healthy relationship. Look around you. Who seems to have a healthy, long term relationship. Copy their behaviors–even if you don’t have a partner. You never learned when you were a child. It’s time to learn now.

4. No Belief in My Ability to Take Care of Myself: I never grew up. At least not until I was about 36. For years, I still relished the idea of living with my mother and having her take care of me. I was scared to death to get a real job, to go to college, to grow up. I was scared because I saw the pain and suffering my mother went through to become a woman and I did not want to experience that. Besides, I wasn’t any good at taking care of myself. I proved that in the jobs I left, and the relationships that failed. Solution: Take baby steps if you must, but begin to give yourself responsibility and do NOT give up on that responsibility. You will not become GOOD at being an adult until you do it for a long time. It will feel awkward at first. But you need to get over that hump. If you deal with a phobia that keeps you unable to work, go to therapy to try to work through this. Stunted growth keeps you addicted to love. It keeps you immature, unable to grow and experience the world.

5. No Experience Dealing with Healthy People/Prone to Fantasy: All my friends were creative artist types, dreamers, and all of them were unstable messes too. We all shared the same belief that Prince Charming was coming to sweep us off our feet. This fantasy-based thinking is and was toxic. For one, it kept me attracted to unrealistic, dramatic, emotional people who also believed in this kind of fantasy, and thus, none of us went any where. And two, it kept me from living a more authentic, hard working, reality-based life. Solution: Start to change your paradigm about using your logical brain. Fantasy is OK for a minute or two a day, but the reality is, unless your fantasies propel you to create a life for yourself, fantasy is simply a defense mechanism. Logical, rational thinking is NOT cold and “emotional thinking” with the heart is not always the route you should take. There needs to be a balance. Surround yourself with people who share this same belief and who are not prone to fantasy or drama. Learn a work ethic from them. And learn how important it is to use both your mind and your heart when it comes to making decisions.