Monthly Archives: June 2011

The old me

Posted on by l0velyjune
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D’s son was not accepted into the “gifted and talented” program at school. D told him that he’d probably be in, and he also told him that when he was a kid, he was in the gifted and talented program. So, D’s son was obviously upset. My response was that the gifted and talented program was pure silliness and if you really wanted, you could try to get in again next year.

Then we started talking about when we were kids in high school and what tracks we were on. His freshman year D was taking geometry with Juniors and Seniors. When I was a freshman, I was taking Basic Math with a bunch of failing, pot smoking other freshman and some Sophomores too. Obviously on different tracks. But the truth is, he was just as uncomfortable and awkward as a kid as I was, despite being in all honors classes and having his parents expect nothing lower than a B.

All this talk made me dream of my old self and so I dreamed of a grungy girl sitting at a bar, writing and smoking cigarettes, chatting with a questionable group of men and woman. I was wearing Doc Martin’s, cheap clothes and taking advice from some fat older lady named Crystal who seemed to entertain men for money. I was there doing research. I was going to write about it.

When I woke up, it felt good to have a glance of that comfortable grungy place again. It was so much a part of my life and it was like meeting up with an old friend. And yet, I have almost nothing in common with that girl anymore– except for the writing and the spirit.

D and I would have never been interested in each other in high school. Even though we may have passed each other in the halls, I was from one world and he was from another. He was popular, conservative, blond, and in honors classes. I had jet black hair that I spiked up; I wore thick black eye-liner and smoked outside between classes with the metal heads, punks, artists, hoods, and other beaten down kids who didn’t give a damn about the future. We were living in the now. We were feeling. We we were sensing. We were talking about our troubled parents, and some of us were already checked in to 12-Step programs for our out of control drug problems or drinking. After school, while D was running track or wrestling, or doing church community work, I was hanging out at the bowling ally trying to get laid. OK, well, while he was at church community gatherings he was trying to get laid too. But, What different worlds we came from.

When he graduated high school, he went right into law school. And right after, got a job and struggled to pay off school loans. He worked and worked and worked and then married and had babies and there he was– a young attorney, not even 40. His whole life perfectly wrapped in a bow until one day his ex said she wanted a divorce.

When I graduated high school I went to an all-girls Catholic college in North Jersey, but after two year, I dropped out for bad grades and disinterest. I came back home and did virtually nothing for a year except work odd jobs and save money. Then I traveled. I lived in Paris as an au pair, then I worked in Greenland as a bartender. I traveled to London and Ireland and then came home and worked as a waitress and then a bookseller. I went back to school here and there, almost got married and then in ’96 met and eventually married my ex and moved to Spain. I thought I had won the lottery. Little did I know. I suffered and struggled through a bad marriage and knew I had to get out because of the number of times he cheated on me. So, I went back to school while caring for two babies. I got nothing but A’s and because of the amount of language classes and experience with language I had had, I was accepted into the National Honor Society. I won awards for my good standing and was on the Dean’s list the remainder of my college years. Ultimately, I graduated Magna Cum Laude. I worked as a creative at a small literary magazine and was poised to begin a career at a publishing house. But then my father died and left us his company, which forced me to find a life and a career for myself there. After my divorced I spent 7 years living alone with my kids. I paid off my house, traveled (with my kids) and worked my way through PoAs and overcame them. All that brought me to the same exact spot in life as D.

Funny how we grow and live and change. Isn’t it? Funny how these two worlds came together.

The Lovely Addict

Posted on by l0velyjune
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No longer chained to my addictions, this is me on my way out to dinner in Philly last year. I consider myself more a business woman than a meek and humble girl who has no control over her life. I’m posting this pic because it empowers me. What’s your most empowering moment?

Fantasy’s over

Posted on by l0velyjune
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This weekend was hard for me.  Aside from having a lovely day Friday, strolling around a golf course on the bay with D, watching the PWGA,  and a rather nice night Friday, at an awards dinner for attorneys, Saturday and Sunday seemed burdened with chores, screaming kids and neglect. His kids won’t eat…Our kids don’t listen…There’s no control…The house is a wreck…Bills needed to get paid…I’m not getting enough alone time…I’m not getting enough D time….our relationship is not the same…we see each other daily, but there’s less quality….I’m simply not happy…blah, blah, blah…

Those were my complains on Monday, and I burst into tears confessing them. I said I felt like the fantasy was over and now the drudgery of real living is upon me and I don’t like it. I said all my control is gone. All the boundaries I set up, all the expectations, are gone. When we were just dating, I rarely had to deal with his kids, especially on a disciplinary level. When we were just dating I ran this house and everything in it and things were in the places I liked them to be. When we were just dating I only really dealt with and partook in the happy, peaceful side of the relationship. When we were just dating, I could run away to my home and recharge, regain my spirit that I would inevitably lose if I spent too much time together.

Oh, I have been so sad.

And he wasn’t too happy hearing all this.

And on top of it, he was angry that I have been “constantly bringing up” his daughter’s eating habits. She eats no fruits, no vegetables, and will only eat cheese sandwiches, Mac & cheese, bread and now corn on the cob. At a BBQ last week she ate a potato chip sandwich and then had cake for dessert. At regular dinner times I have to always make either pasta or rice. And then to have her try something new, he’ll put one green bean on her plate. She will sit for an hour and literally only lick it or chew a piece then spit it out, saying “I can’t!”

It’s very hard for me to see this and say or do nothing. I come from a big Italian family whose mother was a phenomenal cook. The whole family sat around the table, where every meal had the four food groups. There’s was salad or steamed broccoli or cucumber and tomato salads or something GREEN with every meal. She never used butter, only olive oil, sea salt and fresh ground spices from her garden. Everything was made from scratch, and although you didn’t have to eat everything on your plate, you had actually try new stuff and you ALWAYS had to eat most of your veggies to earn your dessert.

Yesterday his daughter had a Tablespoon’s worth of corn on the cob and to reward her he gave her three cookies. I could feel myself growing angry and disgusted. And last night, I mentioned that this was part of the problem. How can you eat so well and not impose the same good diet on your kids? How can you allow them to eat so much junk when they eat so little healthy foods? How can your daughter have such a small amount of corn and still be rewarded with such a large amount of crap? 

I blew my cover. I knew I wasn’t supposed to say anything like that to the man I love and respect. And yet, I couldn’t hold back anymore. And so, he got angry with me and pretty much said, “I’m a great dad. I am doing the best I can. SHe’s an extremely picky eater and I am trying. And you have no right judging me or telling me what to do about it. And I don’t want this to be a constant point of contention.” Those were not his exact words, but close enough. Basically, I just heard “Change your nature because I don’t like this side of you. It’s ugly and it better go away.”

My response? I told him I am judging him (and he’s judging me. We all judge each other every second of the day. He judged me in the beginning and concluded that I would make a worthy girlfriend, and I judged him too and decided he’d make a worthy boyfriend), but I am trying my hardest not to disrespect him. I told him he’s a wonderful dad in so many ways, but I don’t feel as though he does too well when it comes to nutrition and food. And as much as he tries to be perfect in every aspect of his life, he can’t,  and this is one of those times. And so, out of frustration to change and control the situation, I try to tell him that she “should be doing this,” or that she “should be doing that.” I also, rather inappropriately slip in passive aggressive comments like, in my jokey voice, “Pancakes again? Did you know pancakes have almost no nutritional value?”

I am a nightmare.

But despite defending myself rather well, on the whole, I felt ashamed. Deeply ashamed. I know what I need to be (tolerant and accepting of his behavior and his daughter’s own progress with food), but I simply cannot be that kind of person. I am not a laid back, easy going, accepting, tolerant individual. When something doesn’t sit right with me, I REMOVE MYSELF from the problem. I quit my job. I leave my marriage. I run away. I am a rigid, controlling, orderly person who expects the world to run according to MY PERSONAL VALUES. I worked so hard for them, after all. And how else do you get rid of that yucky feeling inside? In the past, all my relationships have been so disposable. I would just threaten to leave so as to attempt to change the other’s behavior. But now what do I do with someone who doesn’t respond to threats and immature manipulation like that? What do I do now that I am SUPPOSED TO BE HEALTHY?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Last night, I just felt like shit. I felt like every part of me was ugly. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have many good qualities. I am flirty, fun, loving, deep, exciting, intelligent, versatile, colorful, creative, hard working, a good communicator, and a slew of other positive traits. But I am not easy going or accepting of things that don’t look and feel right to me. And so the whole picture of ME last night became tainted.

So, during this conversation, it’s not so much that I felt attacked (because D is very careful with his words and never flat out attacks), but I felt embarrassed and ashamed and tarnished. I felt unloved. And my ultimate response was, “Well, I can try to change my nature, but it probably won’t work, so if it really bothers you, you can always leave.”

Reverted back to my old way of handling stress because WHAT CAN I DO? I cannot run away. So, now what?

He said, “T, don’t throw that into conversation like that. I never want to take our relationship so lightly that breaking up would be a solution.”

“But I don’t know how to find a solution, D. It was always my way or the highway. I don’t know how to compromise. I feel so strange in this world of SHARING and ACCEPTING.  It feels odd and wrong to me. It feels uncomfortable and foreign. Like I’ve lost something, instead of gained. I feel crippled and helpless. Like I’m not up to the task of being in this relationship. I thought I was. But look at me.”

“I am looking at you, T. And I love you. I love you very much. ANd we’ll work something out.”

And that was that. I went back to reading To Kill a Mockingbird and slept 7 hours straight.

I have no happy ending to write about. No solution to post. No closure to this. I wish I could offer something up for you, but I haven’t figured it out yet.

The process of “getting it”

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I feel as though my recovery dragged on FOREVER. For the longest time I felt I just couldn’t get it. Here’s the actual bulleted list of major recovery events…

  1. I finally divorced in 2004 (just thought I was getting out of bad marriage, knew NOTHING about LA)
  2. Same year I Lost father and went a little manic.
  3. Sunk into deep depression and loneliness; went on anti-depressants. Also tried to go to al-anon.
  4. In February 2005, I met PoA and was on a high for 8 months. Quit al-anon immediately.
  5. The next two years I spent clinging to PoA and acting out and crying hysterically every time I caught him in a lie or we wouldn’t talk. We broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together, many times.
  6. Tried desperately to break up with PoA for good and started dating M (just for sex because PoA wasn’t offering). But I thought I was “in love” anyway.
  7. Went back and forth between PoA and M for 6 months. At this point I started to READ books on self help but unrelated to LA.
  8. I read “Awaken the Giant Within”
  9. I broke up with M for good. Period. No going back. Completely cut him out of my life. But continued to see PoA, though I was beginning to know he was never going to change and this might not be the relationship I was destined for.
  10. I read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and “Co-Dependent No More.” had a few lightbulb moments and learned about my daddy-issues. Also, decided to stop analyzing PoA’s behavior and focused on my own.
  11. Quit smoking October 2007 and spend HOURS on the quitnet.com site learning about the TOXICITY of smoking and if you love yourself why would you EVER pollute your body. I applied this knowledge to my PoA and never went back (physically, that is. I.e. we never had sex again but I continued to emotionally depend on him).
  12. I found a chart online that explained the relationship between love addict and avoidant. It was the very first time I had ever seen anything like it. I cried and I knew I was a love addict. http://www.healthymind.com/s-relationships.html I also read Susan Peabody’s “addiction to love.”
  13.  Met S, at this point who was also a proclaimed love addict ( until our relationship got too “real” for him and then he became avoidant). Even though I was dating someone new and “in love” again (this time for really real!) I still returned to PoA for support.
  14. I started coming on the LAA forums Feb 2008 in the hopes that I wasn’t repeating the same pattern (I kinda was).
  15. 8 months later, S tells me he no longer loves me. He “made a mistake.” I run to PoA who comforts me, but still cannot be depended upon.
  16. Being “dumped” sends me into horrible, life-altering breakdown. I have no bf, I cannot depend on PoA. I feel completely isolated and alone. I stay locked up in my bedroom for 4 days straight and just GREIVE.
  17. I go through withdrawal
  18. I awaken.
  19. I read “Better Single Than Sorry” and decide to make the best of my single life. I decide I will no longer use my single time to WAIT for the next guy. I also believe I will probably never love again. Despite how depressing this may seem, it gave me FREEDOM from my addiction and it was actually a very positive time for growth and soul building.
  20. I signed up for grad school, traveled, worked hard, wrote, and enjoyed my family. I also did the Love Addiction documentary at this point with PoA whom became “just a friend.” Emotionally, I finally stopped depending on him and just accepted him as is.
  21. Four months after break-up with S, I met D on Facebook. He was a friend of both of my brothers for 20 years, but not one I knew well. I investigated him thoroughly, asked if he had a drinking problem or cheated on his ex or WHATEVER. Came up clean. I still didn’t trust him.
  22. After months of posting silly posts on each others’ wall (not many, mind you, but a few) somehow we started talking in private. After 2 weeks of this, we decided to meet but I told him I’M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN DATING or getting serious. “I’m kinda done with that.” I was too happy with my life to complicate it and I had no long term thoughts of this man, nor did I fantasized about him to any extent. However, I was working on redefining my age-old faulty belief in what kind of man I find sexy (i.e. bad boys).
  23. He was recently divorced, a family man with kids, and also not interested in anything “serious.” Perfect. No pressure!
  24. I continued my recovery work and grad school and started “dating” D. However, it was not an emotional affair. It was just “nice” and “passionate” and happy. We had our own lives. We kept things organic. We didn’t even label ourselves or the relationship.
  25. We waited 3 months before having sex.
  26. We waited 5 months before saying I love you.
  27. We waited 2.3 YEARS before moving in together.
  28. We waited 3.5 YEARS before getting engaged and talking about marriage.  The overall picture of  our relationship is strong, filled with love, respect, kindness, humor, affection and great conversation. We struggle in certain areas (parenting mostly), but we respect each other deeply as parents and always look at the bigger picture and TALK about things we have an issue about. We try never to yell or degrade the other in any way. We do not curse, attack or accuse. We seem to struggle or have an argument once every 4-6 months. Almost every day is peaceful and loving between us. I NEVER THOUGHT THAT WAS POSSIBLE. 
  29. The brunt of my recovery work now focuses on maintaining my independence, staying focused on doing things for me and managing my frustration and immature level of acceptance at having to “share” my home and my life. When you have had faulty relationships ALL your life, when growth has been stunted, when you’ve been married to an avoidant (you really haven’t been married to anyone at all!), you tend to not know how to compromise or live with someone as a partner. And as much as the ego longs for her “second half” it’s difficult to know how to be a part of that second half when you have pretty much been alone all your life. So that is my hurdle now. Learning to live in a healthy relationship and be healthy, in turn.