Monthly Archives: May 2011

Trust

Posted on by l0velyjune
4

Having little trust is not such a bad thing. We think we have to immediately begin trusting people as soon as we meet them. Phooey! Being suspicious (especially after what we’ve all experienced) is a way to protect ourselves.

You don’t want to trust people right off the bat. Trust must be BUILT slowly and let me tell you, it’s a very delicate construction. You can start to build trust in someone and you’re going along and everything seems to be building OK, and then, one day,  you catch him or her in one little lie and the whole foundation of trust crumbles. Is that you being over-reactive? NO! Should you learn to be more accepting of “little lies”? I think not. You’re in recovery. You need time to heal and grow. If a flower pops out of the ground in early spring, it will die instantly under the effect of one night’s frost. You too may lose something you have worked hard to build if you remain with someone who cannot respect the basic tenets of trustworthiness, reliability, dependability, sincerity. Let’s be honest, in order to be stronger, happier and healthier,  we all need honesty from others to thrive.

Before D, I had NEVER met or dated a man who didn’t lie. I thought it went with the territory. I thought every man lied (this is toxic thinking that comes when your trust has been violated most of your life). So, when I met D, I proudly exclaimed that one of my best talents was that I could sniff out a lie in a matter of seconds. I had become such a pro at this that I was proud of my talent. His response? He looked at me with a rather blank stare. “I don’t lie,” he said plainly. And I laughed. “Every man lies” I said.

“Well, think what you want…” he responded.

And I did. I didn’t trust him at all. I remained alert. On the look out. I called him on things that I didn’t understand. I asked him to explain events that in my mind, seemed like perfect opportunities to lie.  Thing is, he never lied. All his stories backed up. His actions matched his words every day, every week, every month, every year.  ANd it wasn’t until maybe a year into the relationship when I FINALLY started to believe that maybe he was right. He doesn’t lie. And so my marvelous talent could finally go unused. And in its place, I finally felt SAFE and able to trust again. Of course, now that we live together, I am still triggered by him staying up late at night (my ex would stay up late at night and chat with other women). But every I wake up and seek him out, he’s watching TV, or reading, or exercising. It might take a while to begin trusting in this department, and toss out my old triggers. But I am being patient with myself and with D.

Love addicts need to find someone with high morals and ethics. SOmeone who believes in honesty and respect of men and woman. It’s not that we need PERFECT. It’s that we need conscientious. Because our process of recovery is a delicate one. Remember that trust equals intimacy. Without trust there is no intimacy–only intensity.

So don’t rush in and expect yourself to start trusting others right away. Bad idea! Take your time and mistrust everyone. Let them prove their worth and honesty to you by their actions first. Not just a day or a week…but YEARS. And be willing to walk if they don’t meet your high expectations in this department. Here’s a great article in learning to build trust in others AND, equally important, being a trustful person yourself.

Ping!

Posted on by l0velyjune
1

Just got pinged? Let it go!

See it for what it really is and keep it in perspective.  A ping, for those who don’t already know, is when an ex texts or calls you after a break up, just to “check in” on you. To a love addict, this is a sign of continued love and attention. To a healthy person, it is literally the LOWEST form of communication imaginable and not worthy of any real response.

A ping might be this:

“thinking of you,” or “hope you’re OK” or “what’s up?” or “you busy?”

But the real, underlying message of a ping  is this:

I really don’t want to communicate with you because I’m either really immature or because I just really don’t like you, and yet, I feel obligated to send you something so that maybe you’ll validate MY existence…and maybe even want to have sex with me again because right now, I got nothing.

That’s the extent of a ping. And quite frankly, I don’t care how low on the totem pole you think you are, you deserve more than that.

So…let it go as if it were a mosquito, or a pesky bug. Toss it in the trash like you would junk mail. Hang up as if you’re hanging up on a telemarketer.

I think, too, we mention being pinged as a way to feel good about ourselves, to prove our worth: “See! He’s still trying to contact me!”

But pings are not love. They are not well-thought out, intimate acts of communication or commitment. When someone loves you and wants to have a real live human relationship with you, they pick up the phone and say, let’s talk…they come over, they want to work things out, they want to be with you not just for sex, not just to validate themselves. They actually like being with you. If you don’t learn this, if you don’t start to believe this then a ping becomes your only lifeline to a world that sustains you. And that’s not much.

When you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired something in you just doesn’t want to give up on yourself anymore. Your own self worth is the driving force that no longer ACCEPTS pings or believes in them as acts of love. When you do that, “pings” start to have less and less value and your own personal worth in yourself starts to grow.

Who are you?

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

When I was younger, all my relationships were sexual affairs and they were over before they started. There was no dating at all. Just sleeping with someone when they were available. I used to think sex was sacred and that if I was having it with someone they must love  me or have feelings for me. But, when I tried to talk to them or spend time with them outside of the bedroom, they didn’t want to be bothered. I cried for HOURS, DAYS, MONTHS, YEARS, trying to figure out why this was so. Eventually I concluded that men were jerks and I was unworthy of real love.

Later in life, I did start to actually “date.” I matured a little and recognized that sex only begets sex and lead no where. So, I tried a different approach and held off on sleeping with a guy right away. A new type of guy appeared in my life and my relationships were definitely a step up from the purely carnal ones of the past. There was passion disguised as love. But they were all short lived. I dated men who I met over summer break, who would only be in town for a few months and then they’d leave. I spent about 5 years in this mode. Falling in love with men who were bound to leave me. Again, I questioned this. Why do I always meet men who leave me? I blamed it on the men. Once again, men were jerks.

In later life, I dated men who were emotionally distant, neglectful and avoidant. Every one of them. And again, I simply couldn’t figure it out. WHY was I dating people that avoided me? I wasn’t a disgusting horrible person. So why were men treating me like the plague? Why was my very own husband neglecting and avoiding me???? Wasn’t I worthy YET of love? Were ALL men really jerks?

The reason I had such a difficult time figuring out why I kept dating inappropriate, avoidant, distant men was because I never took into consideration my responsibility for dating them. I was, after all, allowing these men in my life. I was, after all, attracted to them and willing to overlook (at least temporarily) their rotten behavior. At times I was even willing to overlook it to the point of trying to change myself to stop their behavior and neglect of me.

What I didn’t realize also, is that they weren’t neglecting me, per se, they were just neglectful people. They weren’t avoiding me, exactly. They were just avoidants. Or they were immature men who only wanted sex, or they were foreigners who lived other lives. Their behavior had very little to do with me, after all. It was me, on the other hand, who had all the control in the world as to who I dated and it was ME who chose to date people who treated me poorly.

Why would I do this, if it hurt so much? Was their behavior so different from my own, after all?

  1. I was immature. I had a very immature sense of what love was and I didn’t put a lot of effort into finding someone that was more compatible for me.
  2. I was impatient. Immediate gratification was the most important thing in the world to me. Live in the now! I used to say. I knew nothing of the importance of deferred gratification. I acted on my impulses and thought “chemistry” was the only ingredient necessary for  a relationship.
  3. I had no model of a loving relationship. My dad was an alcoholic, my mother was co-dependent. Even my grandparents had weird, distant, avoidant marriages. WHat did I know of love or compatibility?
  4. I had no values. I had no standards. Well, my one value (or so I thought) was that I had to be physically attracted to whomever I dated. And I had to have some chemistry with them. But other than that, I figured I could overlook or put up with any behaviors I didn’t particularly like. I figured I could “learn to love” just anyone. In fact, I used to fantasize being trapped on a deserted island with someone “hot” so they had no choice but to love me. Looking back, however, I even overlooked the attraction value. There were certain angles where I could not look at my ex because I found him to be ugly. I would avert my gaze! Can you imagine being married to a man who you found to be ugly in a certain light???
  5. I had a very shallow notion of intimacy. If I liked a guy’s looks and he was fun at a party, what else was there? As one of my friends always says, I “filled in the blanks” with my own imagination as to their other “endearing” qualities. I also mistook sex for intimacy. If we were having sex, we were intimate. I was so wrong!
  6. I had low self-esteem and little confidence. Actually, I had a great amount of confidence and self-esteem when I’d walk into a dive bar and flirt with a bunch of losers. Shoot low, so you feel better about yourself was my motto. And so that is who I always surrounded myself with. Later in life it was “artists” because they had a more liberal sense of acceptance of other people (i.e. an artist would be less picky about who he dated and thus,  more willing to date someone like me).  I never in a million years saw myself dating normal, good, healthy men because their expectations of me would be too high.
  7. I didn’t know myself. When you have no identity, when you only have the vaguest sense of who you are, how in the world can you recognize what you want and need? You can’t. You’ll take whatever “feels” good at the time, like a child. There’s no discriminating, no sense of entitlement, no using your brain to figure out the difference between right and wrong.
Looking back, I spent a lot of time blaming people and circumstances outside myself for my troubles. Even though people would tell me that I needed to love myself or “fix” myself first, in order to find a better match for me, I didn’t get it. I didn’t know how. But once I really opened the window onto my own behavior, only then was I able to change things and find a more appropriate partner for me.
Today is Wednesday. Make it your goal this weekend to figure out who you are. DO so by writing out a list of past and present PoAs (boyfriends, girlfriends, people of addiction), friends, family members, coworkers you hang around with. Next to their names jot down a list not of their good qualities or bad, but rather, jot down their overall spirit. Are they positive? Are they superficial? Avoidant? Lazy? Calm? Drawn to drama? Shallow? Depressed? Immature? Angry? Game-players? Artists? Drug-addicts? See if you can notice a pattern. And once you notice that pattern, see if you identify with that pattern. See if you like who you are despite the people in your life. Is it time to make a change? Or are you content right where you are? This chart might also help…

Look at the people in your life and that is who you are.

Look at the drama or lack of drama in your life and that is who you are.

Look at the anger, fighting, hostility in your life and that is who you are.

If most of your relationships (romantic, familial, friendships etc.) are fraught with pain, hostility, anger, frustration, neglect, this is not a coincidence. This is who you are.

If most of your relationships  (romantic, familial, friendships etc.) end badly, mean-heartedly,  and are followed by sadness, pain, cruelty to the other, this is who you are.

If most of your relationships begin abruptly and end abruptly, this is who you are.

If most of your relationships are only about sex and are shallow beyond that, this is who you are.

If most of your relationships lack intimacy, this is who you are.

If you are hanging around with superficial people who shop for clothes all day and are only interested in looks this is who you are.

Likewise, if most of your relationship are peaceful, loving, passionate, long-term relationships, this too is who you are.

Take responsibility for creating your own reality.

Look at the patterns of your life and the people with whom you associate to determine who you are.

Water seeks its own level. People are reflections of the self.

Just for today

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Everyone needs to take a break today. So here’s a challenge:

Just for today I want you to give up the following and just simply RELAX and enjoy the day:

The analyzing: give your brain a rest! Too much analyzing is too much. Let it go. Just for today.

The drama: whatever you are enmeshed in, whatever you are wrapped up in….let it go. Let others deal with their issues. You deal with just kicking back today and enjoy the sun or the moon (where ever you are!)

The pain: Don’t hold onto it today. Just today! I promise, you can have your pain back tomorrow. But today, let all that pain and pressure seep out of you and melt away.

The questions: I know you have a lot of questions. I know you deserve answers. But put all that on the back burner for today. And be content not knowing. You’ll figure it out. But not today. Breathe in today, deeply, and breathe out, slowly. Let it go.

The attempt to be perfect and figure it all out: wear sweat pants today, let your hair down. Unbuckle your pants. Stop walking around like you have to be this beautiful, faultless model of perfection. Laugh at your mistakes, your looks, your faux-pas, your idiosyncrasies, your short-comings, your limitations…Take a break! Just today.

The desire, the want, the need: Enjoy what you have today as if this is all you will ever be given. As if this is it. Make peace with your house, your looks, your money, your relationship situation or lack thereof. Stop the craving for something better, bigger, lovelier, sexier, more expensive, more this and more that. Stop needing stuff. You have enough. For just today, you have everything you need. Take a sigh of relief and enjoy what that feels like.

Oh yes, and don’t forget blame, hate, anger, self-loathing, depression and all those other nasty emotions you just don’t need to deal with today!

MOther’s Day

Posted on by l0velyjune
2

My mother was one of those happy, peaceful, loving women who truly enjoyed children, listened well and was very caring. She had me when she was only 20, so she was a young mother, and very beautiful as well. She was 5’7″, 120 pounds and she had long, straight, jet black hair down to her waist. She was a great dancer, had a beautiful singing voice and learned to play the guitar alongside my father. Together they would sing old folk tunes from Peter, Paul and Mary, Bob Dylan or John Denver. She was also incredibly insecure, and believed my father would take care of her. Because of this belief, she followed him all over the country, every time he said we had to pack up and move due to loan sharks chasing after him. She went through many periods of uncertainty in her life as my father was manic depressive and sometimes would not work for months, even years. She thought she had to support him through his drinking, his gambling, his bad business decisions and his criminal activity. And she did. For 20 years. Crying, rocking and back and forth on her bed, thinking she was crazy, feeling out of control, confused and sick. There were many times that I saw her sad face and simply thought she had  just turned into a sad person. But that wasn’t the case. What was the case was that she was scared to death to take action for her life.

But when the loan sharks started coming to her door and threatening to take away her children if her husband didn’t pay his debts, she finally said enough and kicked him out of the house and divorced him. But this was a long time in coming because, like I said, she was scared to death. It meant being on her own, getting  a job and supporting her children on her own. She didn’t think she could do all that. She thought she was too stupid, uneducated, unprofessional. Who would give her a job? She was just a Mom. 

I had a very difficult time with her at this period in my life. I was around 16 when she started working, first as a secretary and then as a part-time press photographer for a county newspaper after having taken a couple classes at a community college for photography.  I resented this behavior in her. How dare she not be home when I got home from school. How dare she not have cookies made, or banana bread in the oven waiting for me and my brothers. How dare she go out at night and have fun while we were home alone. How dare she shake the foundation of my life and change it to the point of something unrecognizable. Once, I said to her, “I liked you better when you had no identity and just did stuff for us, not you!”

For many years I floundered. I lost myself in boys. I traveled the globe without purpose. I avoided the reality of who I was. I loved my mother, but I held a grudge against her for taking so much away from me. In my mind, she had become selfish; I miss the old days when she was selfless. Eventually, though, I came around and saw what she did as one of the strongest points in her life. She did become a little selfish, but it gave her a strength that we’d never seen in her and it shook us. But I realized that she didn’t want to change either. She would have liked to keep her head buried in the sand too. Wouldn’t we all. And yet, a funny thing happens when you finally decide (or when the decision to sink or swim is forced upon you) to take control and responsibility of your life…you have no choice but to change and become something at first unrecognizable and then, beautiful.

Since those days (25 years ago) she has become the beautiful woman she is now; happy again, still loving, still giving, still a great listener. Her core goodness still shining through. Still creative and strong at her job (she’s the Editor in Chief now). And loved dearly by a good man that she has been with for almost 20 years. If I had my choice now, I would never want her to be that woman she used to be. That woman is a stranger to me. This however, whether I like it or not, inspired me to be the strong woman I am today. And for that, I love her.

Mothers struggle and suffer for themselves and for their children. And although your kids may not understand why you do what you do now, someday they will. Keep moving forward. Keep creating goodness in yourself. Let your life be an example for your children. They might not thank you now, but they will.

I’m wishing all mothers a happy day of peace and continued recovery.

The mystery of ambivalence & relationship addiction

Posted on by l0velyjune
10

I so often remember the state of being ambivalent over some guy. And by ambivalent I mean that sometimes I loved the person and wanted to be close to him, while other times, he repulsed me and I wanted nothing to do with him except to break up. I learned to accept this behavior as part of my “fear of intimacy.” The pushing away then pulling closer behavior was a sure sign that I was simply scared of commitment and closeness with another human being. In fact, at one point in my life, I was engaged to be married to a guy that my family really liked. It was at first a very passionate affair, but as soon as we moved in together and got engaged I had what everyone assumed was a typical case of “cold feet.” Trouble is, it didn’t go away, it nagged at me and it got stronger to the point where I felt I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

My ambivalence usually went like this: I’d meet someone, clearly see red flags right away (I’m very good at detecting red flags), push the guy away, and once I pushed, he generally liked me even more, so he would insist we were meant to be together. When he’d pursue me more aggressively that was always such a turn on for me (I thought that aggressiveness was a sure sign of true love). And then I would give in. I would fall madly in love with him a week or two into a relationship, promise my devotion and we’d have this whirlwind affair. And then………I’d come to my senses, but keep quiet about it because I was embarrassed. How could I have made such a mistake? Maybe I didn’t make a mistake. Maybe I’m just scared.

Once the initial chemistry of love wore off, I was faced with what I believed was the real nitty gritty of the relationship (the unglamorous living day to day stuff), something I couldn’t handle no matter how great the guy. And so, I believed I was incapable of true intimacy with someone and that everyone I would ever meet would have this same effect on me. I believed my lot in life was to overcome my fear of intimacy and so I tended to force myself to remain with someone longer than I normally would (hello marriage!) so that I could learn what intimacy was.

But there was a much larger (and simpler) issue at play that caused my ambivalence, and it was something I remained in denial about for MANY YEARS (sadly, when we put ourselves into a box, we deny ourselves other possibilities): Shockingly, my ambivalence was caused by the simple fact that I just didn’t like the guy. Sure, I liked him in certain situations, in others I even loved him, but clearly I had an unnatural aversion to parts of his core that I simply should not have overlooked, but did. What I craved and wanted was the relationship, not the guy.

Aside from ambivalence, this is relationship addiction and I believe it comes into play when we force ourselves to love someone whom we inherently, naturally do not love just for the sake of maintaining a committed relationship because the relationship is what we truly crave. Ambivalence, too, can be tricky because love or friendship may exist in part, and so we tend to believe if we have this small amount of love for a person, then we truly do love them and should be in a relationship with them. Mentally and emotionally you might even tell yourself, I’m  just scared, that’s all, or I’m being too picky. 

But here’s the deal, there’s good, healthy fear or trepidation about moving forward with someone and then there’s red flag-scared. And if you’re not being true to your body mind and spirit or paying attention to your own red flags, your body will start screaming at you to listen. If that happens, the problem of ambivalence can turn into physical and emotional pain, hatred, anger or resentment.

Below is a list of the bad kind of ambivalence that generally means there’s something wrong and you may be staying in the relationship that you shouldn’t:

  • Having  trouble looking someone in the eyes (not in the beginning, mind you. In the beginning when all those juicy chemicals are coursing through the veins, you can do and feel virtually ANYTHING).
  • Being turned off consistently with someone’s breath.
  • Having an aversion to their style or the way they dress (I would always suggest other outfits or buy them clothes that suited me).
  • Becoming sexually anorexic after a time and not wanting to be touched.
  • Finding their jokes, or topics of conversation consistently uninteresting.
  • Wanting to avoid them more frequently than not.
  • Having strong positive feelings for them over the phone, computer or through e-mail, but not in person (or vice versa).
  • Dreaming or fantasizing about someone else “better” or “sexier” or more “passionate.”
  • Feeling momentarily happier at the point of break up.
  • Constantly preferring to be alone.
  • Having consistent feelings of disgust, anger, frustration, hatred, ambivalence, apathy, or coldness within the relationship
  • Having little or no respect for the person.
  • Feeling uncomfortable around this person.
  • Feeling physically sick or weak around this person.

I think because we so desperately want something (a loving relationship), we sell ourselves short. We deny our instincts and don’t listen to our gut. We think that there must be some secret meaning behind our behavior, so we analyze ourselves and the relationship to the point of ignoring the basic truths. But sadly, the truth (as I have found) cannot be denied, and the longer you stay in a bad relationship, the more your body will start screaming at you to pay attention. Staying in a bad relationship can cause physical ailments, depression, frustration, a loss of belief in yourself and your instincts, and overall pain and suffering.

So, is there such a thing as healthy ambivalence? Yes! Ambivalence is necessary in the beginning of a relationship when you are trying to decide if a certain person is right for you. It’s not good over a longer period of time. After 6 months to a year you  should know when someone is right for you. You may not know them completely. But you should have a pretty good sense.

If you’re still ambivalent, here are a few signs that you may be in a good relationship:

  • Having  no trouble looking someone in the eyes, long after the chemicals have worn off
  • Being turned on by someone’s breath.
  • Accepting and feeling comfortable with their style or the way they dress
  • Having a healthy desire for sex (pay attention to the idea of cycles; our sexual desires wax and wane, and there will be times in both your lives when you have less a desire to have sex. But your attraction to the person never changes).
  • Finding their jokes, or topics of conversation consistently interesting.
  • Wanting to be with them more frequently than not.
  • Having strong positive feelings for them both over the phone, computer, through e-mail, and in person (or vice versa).
  • Absence of dreaming or fantasizing about someone else “better” or “sexier” or more “passionate.”
  • Feeling sad at the idea of  a break up.
  • Sometimes preferring to be alone, but not always.
  • Feeling the full range of emotions within the relationship, but for the most part feeling love, peace, stability, warmth, etc.
  • Having respect for the person.
  • Feeling comfortable around this person.
  • Feeling physically healthy around this person.
Always remember to be honest with yourself and don’t be afraid to question your feelings or thoughts.