Monthly Archives: February 2011

Plan out your “No Contact”

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I believe that a very important part of getting over a relationship is in what you do AFTER it’s over. Many, myself included, have gone through (or are going through) severe withdrawal. But whether you’re the one who did the breaking up  or it was imposed upon you, it’s essential that you don’t try to run back and make contact again. You’re only hurting yourself and sabotaging your dignity. So, it’s time, instead, to cleanse your system of the toxicity and prepare for a new life. But how?

Many of us institute what’s called “NC” or “No Contact,” and it’s exactly what it says: NO CONTACT with your person of addiction. In harsher terms NC simply means quitting your drug of choice and going through the unpleasant consequences of withdrawal.

This is extremely hard to do. The pain of going through withdrawal is often so severe that  we sometimes  run back to the PoA just to avoid this new pain. The pain of the relationship almost seems bearable compared to that of withdrawal.

But trust me, it’s only temporary!

And to take the edge off, you should PLAN before you leap out of the relationship, or soon after the relationship has ended.

Think about good ‘ol Chris Columbus. Do you think he just hopped on the Santa Maria to set sail for the new world with just his hat and compass? Heck no. He never would have made it. He knew his voyage was to last many months so he PREPARED, had a crew and loads of food to back him up.
Heading into NC is much the same. You need to plan. The better you are at taking care of yourself during this time, the more you have to fall back on, the less chance your attempt at NC will fail. Here are a few tips:

1. Exercise! I know, I know. You’re in pain and can’t get out of bed. But exercise is a proven mood enhancer. You need to force yourself to stay busy, and cardio is by far, at the top of the list for survival tactics. Find a gym, or get into a weekly exercise routine. Not only will you feel better and be distracted, but after withdrawal…you’ll be much healthier and maybe even have a killer body. :)

2. Have a hobby available to keep you busy, or two or three. A lot of addictive people claim that “working with your hands” is the best as it forces you to keep your mind on the task at hand.

3. Get ready to eat your favorite stuff. Addiction is Oral. Even love addiction. Stock up on “feel good” foods at least until you get through the initial withdrawal phase (if you are concerned about weight, make healthier choices, chew gum, sugarless lollipops etc.!) But right now is not the time to worry about putting on a *few* (and I mean few!) extra pounds. Your NC takes priority. You can lose the weight when you are feeling better.

4. Have friends and family ready to talk and listen. Make sure they know what you’re attempting so that you have extra support. If family members aren’t supportive, seek out friends or support groups; people who will understand what you might be going through.

5. Make plans, goals and activities that would NOT have included PoA (go to the movies by yourself, attend a concert, visit the bookstore, sit at a cafe and people-watch etc.)

6. If you can, go out and shop. Buy yourself something NICE. Remember to pamper yourself through withdrawal. The nicer you are to yourself and the more resources you have to get through withdrawal, the more SUCCESSFUL YOU WILL BE!

7. Go get a massage, a manicure, a pedicure…WHATEVER. My all time favorite: changing the color of my hair. Nothing too drastic. But enough to make me feel revived. A box of hair color at the grocery store is not expensive if you’re on a budget.

8. Get involved in a TV or HBO series, or a sitcom. Comedy is your best choice. It serves to distract AND lighten your mood.

9. MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT TURN YOUR NC INTO A BAD THING. You have a choice: you can think positively about what you are doing for yourself, or negatively. THINK POSITIVE. It’s a happy time. Not a sad time. You are NOT…I REPEAT NOT losing anything worthwhile. YOU ARE GAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAINING YOUR LIFE BACK.

10. Remember the Ten Minute Rule. It’s a SAFETY NET for those moments of intense craving. For example, whenever you feel the intense URGE to call or make contact, say to yourself, “first let me post this message on the LAA board” or “let me take a brisk walk for Ten Minutes.” Meditate, breathe, whatever you can do…do it for ten minutes. Cravings tend to pass within minutes and you will be OK again.

11. Post here or on the recovery boards often. The LAA Recovery Boards are a support group. Someone WILL respond to you. Perhaps you could make that your safety net when you have a crave. Post first and say,I will wait until someone responds to my post before entertaining the idea of contact. By then, the craving will most likely have passed.

12. Practice the art of positive Self Talk. You MUST reaffirm, daily, your reasons and motivations for wanting to keep NC. The more you “brainwash” yourself into believing and understanding that NC is the ONLY WAY to go, you will be convinced. Tell yourself things like, “hang in there,” “I can do this,” “Keeping NC and staying away is an ACT OF SELF LOVE,” and “I am Worth it…”

13. Keep a journal. It’s one of the healthiest ways to cleanse your soul. To get to know who you are. To see, on paper, what you are feeling. Besides, it busts a crave! In your journal, keep a LIST of things you can do to keep busy. Fall back on this list if you find yourself fantasizing about your PoA, or bored or feeling “empty.” Make it a long list. You’re going to need the choices!

14. SOme other distractions you can keep in your arsenal if craves/withdrawal gets bad:

  • Take a shower (you can’t use the phone from the there),
  • take a nap,
  • clean the house,
  • drive,
  • leave your cell phone at home,
  • go swimming,
  • take a bath,
  • call a FRIEND,
  • make an appointment somewhere (salon, doc office, dentist, etc.),
  • do crossword puzzles,
  • play solitaire,
  • go to the gym,
  • ride your bike,
  • bake a cake,
  • paint something,
  • write a novel,
  • find a new job
  • research your ancestors
  • sing
  • learn an instrument
  • take a class
  • get your degree
  • if you already have a degree, get a second one
  • invent something
  • learn how to budget your money
  • watch all Suze Orman’s videos
  • volunteer at a zoo or animal shelter
  • join a political campaign

Bottom line: STAY BUSY and KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE. You are doing a good thing for yourself. Getting through withdrawal is hard, but it’s a matter of determination and self conditioning. We’ve been through much worse pain than this. We can definitely handle a few months of withdrawal. IT DOES GET BETTER. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. But you must see NC as a priority; something worth your time and effort.

Read more here.

To have and have not

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Looking back, this entry was originally published in December 2008. I’m happy to relate that I really stuck to my goals and found someone who, after two years, still upholds every quality on this list. Don’t be afraid to demand these things of others. You deserve them, especially if you yourself have the same qualities.

Despite it being only two months that I am single, I am doing a little classifying as to what I will eventually- not yet, but eventually, be looking for as far as quality goes in any and all persons that I meet in my future. This includes women (as friends) as well. I think it’s important to at least start with a list that draws boundaries around the type of humanity I am seeking to associate myself with. Otherwise, I am subjected to my natural gravitation toward – as the lovely KVM once affectionally called them, “characters.” People like Eminem, Prince, Steve Tyler, Amy Winehouse and so on generally attract and fixate me. “Looks” and “drama” are great, but they cannot be the basis for normal and healthy. This is not a rigid list, mind you, it is fluid, somewhat adaptable. And it’s a start. Something I have denied myself during periods of soul searching. So…on that note:

MUST HAVES…

Intellect…

 

I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.

Emotionally Healthy…

 

I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else. This includes a certain maturity level.

Passionate…

 

I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding.

Loyal…

 

I must have someone I can count on to always support me.

Communicator…

 

I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.

Emotionally Generous…

 

I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.

Affectionate…

 

I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.

Conflict Resolver…

 

I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts within our relationship.

Strong Character…

 

I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.

Chemistry…

 

I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

 

 

CAN’T STANDS…

Fiscally Irresponsible…

 

I can’t stand someone who is incapable of managing his money.

Anger…

 

I can’t stand someone who can’t manage his anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.

Lying…

 

I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.

Rude…

 

I can’t stand someone who is belittling, superior, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.

Extremely Shy…

 

I can’t stand someone who is so shy that they cannot open up and share with me.

Racist…

 

I can’t stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.

Undependable…

 

I can’t stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.

Self-Centered…

 

I can’t stand someone whose main topic of conversation is himself.

Pessimism…

 

I can’t stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.

Denial…

 

I can’t stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in his own actions.

 

Addicted…

 

I can’t stand when someone has a dependency on drugs or alcohol to achieve an altered state of consciousness or to experience reality other than what it is. This is possibly the worst form of escapism and compulsion there is.  It interferes with true growth and renders an individual incapable of experiencing a true present and the emotion needed to have a healthy, mature relationship. See also: denial.

Disclaimer: i am talking about “dependency” not occasional enjoyment (of drinking, not drugs).

This list was appropriated from Persephone’s Obedience

Fixing something that isn’t broken

Posted on by l0velyjune
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You and your PoA share a perfectly functional dysfunctional relationship. And the longer you stay, and try to fix or change the dysfunction and make it not dysfunctional, it becomes even more dysfunctional. That’s because you’re not fixing anything. And you’re not fixing anything because nothing is broken. The relationship is a bad dysfunctional one, true. But that’s its job and it can’t be fixed. It is serving its purpose:

  • It’s keeping you from facing your fears of being alone
  • It’s keeping you from facing yourself and fixing your own problems
  • It’s keeping you from real intimacy, because you’re not emotionally grown up enough to handle real intimacy (if you were, you wouldn’t be the relationship you’re currently in)
  • It’s keeping him in a distant, dysfunctional relationship, possibly with no strings attached, because he’s not capable of real intimacy either
  • And it’s keeping you both dependent on drama, obsession, avoidance and pain, because you both thrive on those things.

How am I able to say that your relationship works perfectly, especially when you are in so much pain and suffering throughout it? Well, let’s think about it realistically: when something doesn’t work, when something’s broken (a kitchen plate, or a glass, for example), what do you do with it? Do you keep eating off half a plate? Do you drink out of a broken glass, with a jagged edge? I’m guessing you don’t. I’m guessing you throw it away, in the trash, where it belongs.

What about something like a car, which has more value and can be repaired. What if you bought a used car and it kept breaking down, month, after month, after month, after month. And you kept repairing it. And the more money you put in the thing to fix it, it just kept breaking down on you. What would you do? I know what I’d do. I’d tell the bum who sold it to me that he sold me a lemon and I’d ask for my money back. I may even take legal action. Eventually, I’d get rid of it because it wasn’t serving its purpose. Somedays it would work, others it wouldn’t. But I couldn’t take my chances! I would have to get to work. I would have to be able to depend on a car, so for me to make any long-term investment in a really crappy car that kept breaking down on me and costing me a fortune with little payback would be completely idiotic of me, not to mention irresponsible.

So, when something doesn’t work for us, we get rid of it. But when something works, we keep it around.

Ask yourself  if you’re holding on to a broken dinner plate? A cracked glass? A lemon? Or if your PoA is fulfilling a purpose you never realized he had and that’s why he’s still around.

 

Where is your confidence, girl?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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So, I’ve cut sugar out of my diet this week, which means I’m a little less perky than usual. But more importantly, I cut my hair SHORT and I have been feeling horribly ugly. I saw that stupid movie Hemingway’s Garden of Eden where the main character keeps cutting her hair shorter and shorter and then begins an affair with a woman while being married to a man. Not that I planned to start dating women, but I thought the change to short hair would be fun. I was so wrong. I’ve been nothing but down about it. And what’s worse, I’ve been fishing for compliments and validation from D that I’m still pretty. It seems that no matter how much he tells me he still thinks I’m beautiful, I simply don’t believe it.

Yesterday, in fact, I kinda snapped at him and said, “I feel as though you don’t compliment as much anymore.” D doesn’t like being “accused” of anything and so he kinda snapped back, “Aren’t you being a little unrealistic?”

Not that the discussion culminated into a fight– it didn’t– but it did culminate into me feeling even MORE insecure for mentioning my insecurity. And then I realized later, after he left, that I have been slowly spiraling downward in all aspects of my life: my confidence, my self-esteem, my recently acquired work ethic, etc. I never go to the gym anymore, I haven’t worked on any of my short stories, I’ve postponed (ugh, let me be realistic, I quit) grad school, I’ve made D and his moving in my whole world.

Where did I go wrong? What happened to all that confidence I had two years ago? One year ago? Heck, a year ago, I was in grad school, writing feverishly, teaching Basic Writing, training for a triathlon, losing enormous amounts of weight (Hello size 4 skinny jeans!) and felt damn good about myself.

That’s all kind of gone out the window and the less confident I am, the more I am aware of how that may appear to D. And then the worry starts. Will he see through me? Will he stop loving me? Will he get bored with me?

Thing is, with him moving in and with us redesigning the whole house, it’s taking a hell of a lot out of me. It’s practically a full time job.

Excuse?

Maybe. More than anything I’m simply coming down off a two-year high. Now the trick is to either get that “high” back (not likely) or accept the reality of my life as it is. To continue to face my dragons. To forge a life for myself not dependent on D. Easier said than done.

So, there is no upbeat ending to this post. Maybe next week when I’ve detoxed from all this sugar something will come to me.

recovery vs. addiction

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Choose your path today…

In active addiction we want to possess and control

In recovery, we recognize the power of relinquishing control, and we are OK letting go

In active addiction we want answers

In recovery, we learn to ask questions, even though there may be no answers

In active addiction, we want immediate gratification

In recovery, we finally understand the meaning of deferred gratification

In active addiction, we want guarantees

In recovery, we know life is a mystery and there are no guarantees

In active addiction, we want what we cannot have

In recovery, we appreciate what we do have

In active addiction, we are starving

In recovery, we’ve learned to pace ourselves through each meal and thus, we are content…

In active addiction we feel pain and hide from it. We numb ourselves with love and sex and torchbearing.

In recovery we feel pain, and face it. We find the tools we’ve learned for survival and use them instead of acting out and running away.

In active addiction we hope the other will change and love us

In recovery we recognize that people don’t change that easily and if we are to be content someday we need to move away from tension and conflict and find people and situations that are more loving and peaceful.

In active addiction we try desperately to figure out the PoA. We analyze, focus and try to figure him or her out. We believe if we understand who he is, we will understand why we were attracted to him.

In recovery we realize that nothing the PoA does or says has any bearing or relevance on knowing who we are. That focus needs to be placed on us for true healing and health…no where else.

In active addiction, we are children whose growth has been stunted and so we act immaturely

In recovery we are not afraid of growing up and taking on more mature responsibilities like taking care of ourselves and not depending on others for our happiness. We recognize that with self growth comes freedom.

In active addiction we think and act with our emotions alone

In recovery we have learned to control our emotions and thus, we think with our logical minds and use our hearts sparingly

In active addiction, we have no identities. We see ourselves through the lens of the PoA

In recovery, we have finally put denial and avoidance behind us and we are able to look at ourselves for who we really are and we’re OK with that

In active addiction we want Hollywood romance; we want a life of fantasy and perfection

In recovery, we come back down to earth and have accepted our reality and start to work to improve it or make peace with it

Are you a “great catch”?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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One of the things that always confused me about the “love addict” label was that, despite the fact that I had trouble with men, I had other debilitating issues that had nothing to do with men or dating. For example, even without a guy around  I was insecure and slightly paranoid that others didn’t like me. I didn’t have many friends and many of the friends I did have didn’t treat me well. I also had little faith in my ability to complete tasks and sadly, never completed many things. I was a quitter. I had no interests outside of boys (except writing), I was lazy, egocentric, pessimistic, needy, immature, prone to living in a fantasy world, oversensitive, wimpy, somewhat of a bully and I had zero work ethic (i.e. I always got bad grades in high school and took menial jobs after high school where I could call out sick all the time).

I was definitely not what you would call a great catch, that’s for sure.

So where’s the surprise when I went out into the world to look for my “second half,” only to find avoidant, neglectful, pessimistic, egocentric, immature types who didn’t have much to offer? In my mind, I was this perfect goddess who needed no changing, but who frustratingly only dated losers (thus today’s GREAT photo!)

So often, when we give support on the forums, we say things like: You deserve better than that jerk, or You’re worth more than someone who ignores you or treats you badly. And, it’s true. No one deserves to be treated badly. But, chances are you need to do some work on you first, before you begin to attract better quality people.

Trouble with love addiction is, we don’t want to work on ourselves. And if we do, we want to do it with our PoAs around to keep us company. So, basically here’s the absurdity of what we really want: we want to keep a neglectful, immature, avoidant, unloving guy around (for sex, friendship and love) while we become mature, optimistic, loving, self-sufficient, confident individuals.

We want the impossible; we want the absurd. And that doesn’t happen in real life. One of the hardest things to accept in recovery, one of the things we are most in denial about is that “like attracts like.” That we may be as ugly as our PoAs. That’s horrifying. But it’s one of the most important reason I constantly advise people to stop analyzing the PoA and turn inward. It’s so much easier to analyze the faults and idiosyncrasies of others. Worse, it keeps you perpetually trapped in your own disease of avoiding yourself.

Here’s my unsolicited advice today: Love addiction is the avoidance of the Self. And when you avoid yourself and lose yourself in fantasy over the imagined love of a PoA, you are unable to recognize that YOU are the one that needs changing; you are the one that needs work. Take a good look at you and determine what changes need to be made to make you a better person. Start doing the work of changing today! And like it or not, you probably need to do this work alone. Recovery is a direction that takes you up and out of the hole you are in currently. Ditch the PoA and start climbing. Your life depends upon it.

Take Inventory: Make a list of all your good qualities, and all your bad. Circle the qualities that you can change immediately. Pessimist? Start being aware of the language in your head, the self talk and change the negative to something positive.

The mirror effect

Posted on by l0velyjune
4

For the longest time I never really understood the importance of the old cliché “water seeks its own level” until I became healthier. For the longest time, while dating neglectful, abusive or avoidant men, I thought I was so much healthier than them. That the reason I was dating them was so that I could “take care” of them and “help” them. In fact, I always got a kick out of believing that I was the BEST THING that ever happened to them. How silly of me, and how completely off the mark and irrational. Who did I think I was, Mother Theresa? And who wants to date Mother Theresa anyway. People want equality, not someone better or worse off than themselves. Now that I am healthier, I can see that I was in denial. Big time! And so, “water seeks its own level” makes perfect sense to me now. I was as sick and as avoidant (of myself) as they were. My unhealthy partner was me! We were the opposite sides of the same coin.

So, every time you fall into the trap of wanting to analyze your PoA (and believe me, it’s a dead-end trap), think about the fact that they are mirrors of YOU. That their problems are YOUR problems in disguise. This helps to remove some, if not all of your denial. It also forced me to recognize that I no longer wanted to be on the same level of the men I dated. If I was just as toxic as them, that was pretty toxic and I didn’t want that for myself.  Snobby of me? HELL YES.

Here are a few examples of the mirror effect:

  • When we are attracted to unavailable people, it’s because we are unavailable.
  • When we remain in a relationship with a neglectful, abusive, uncaring person, it is because we believe we are worthy of neglect and abuse.
  • When we stay in a relationship with an avoidant person to the point of constantly focus on why they are avoiding us,  it is because we are avoiding ourselves.
  • When we forge a relationship with a narcissist, or a deeply selfish person, it is because we believe we have no “self”
  • When the relationship becomes everything, we become nothing.
  • When we are engaged in extreme behavior, we will meet and be attracted to people who are also engaging in extreme behavior.
  • When we are drawn to drama, we will seek it out in the people we meet, or we will create it for ourselves.
  • When we are still children on the inside, we will attract others who are immature.
  • When we are unhealthy, we seek out and find unhealthy people, or they find us.

Unsolicited advice? Take one last long look at your PoA. Write down all his ugly traits, label him and analyze him, and then let him go. Knowing him better is a dead-end. Instead, use all that newly acquired information and apply it to yourself and your problems and your traits. Have you been in denial about something? Are you acting like a Mother Teresa? Or Write it down and promise yourself that you will try to be as realistic as possible with who you are. And just as you struggle to put the PoA in perspective, put YOURSELF in perspective too.