Monthly Archives: September 2010

Poor me

Posted on by l0velyjune
2

Today marks a significant day for me. I am going to see a divorce attorney regarding child support and I am simply not looking forward to it. My ex is, for lack of a more compassionate term, a lemon. Aside from having a rather decent job in technology, he has virtually no education, no street smarts, no friends, no family, can’t properly take care of himself, is in debt, and as recently as February, his house burned down and he lost everything (side note: the only thing of value in his house was his beer mug collection and his computers, and the computers were saved. Then insurance kicked in and compensated him quite well to rebuild his house and replenish his possessions).

I, on the other hand, have a beautiful family, many friends, a decent salary, a loving boyfriend, zero debt, graduate work completed, an undergrad degree in English lit and two beautiful boys who love and respect me.

So, why do I feel the need to ask for child support when, clearly, it would kick a man when he’s down?

Here’s the deal. When we divorced, I had a few extra dollars and so, I bought him out of the house I am now living in. I overpaid, simply because I felt “bad” for him. He took the money, bought a big house, lost his job and lived off the money for a year until it dwindled away completely. He never paid child support, because at the time, I was making enough and was counseled against asking for it. But now, six years later, my financial situation has changed. I do not make enough money and need him to start paying child support for his kids. He started giving me $100 a month and sometimes even pays over that if I tack on a bill for new sneakers or something like that. But he’s never given me over $300 a month for our two sons. I pay for almost everything, and they are with me about 85% of the time. Also, his live-in girl friend refuses to work and so he supports her, and every time I ask for money, it’s a HUGE conflict. I am demeaned and belittled every time I ask for something more. Sometimes he won’t give it because, in his mind, he would not have bought it in the first place. So, as I am trying to maintain my budget as best as I can, he’s supporting his girlfriend and flying off to Mexico. This disturbs me. I feel as though he should have to pay for his children. Legally, he’s required to pay about 400-500 PER child. I am only asking for $400 a month, total.

But the whole thing is making me sick. Why? Because I feel sorry for him. He shouldn’t have to be so burdened, I think. And yet…he should be responsible enough to pay for his own children! But am I being selfish? Greedy? Should I just cut my losses and move on and not expect a dime from him anymore? Pay for my kids to go to college and whatever else? I am very confused and feel somewhat out of control.

I wonder what the lawyer will say. I’ll keep you posted.

The monthly conundrum

Posted on by l0velyjune
2

So, now that there is stability in my life and now that it has been nearly TWO YEARS since I’ve experience any true discomfort, I am starting to have little monthly flair-ups. It’s almost as if I am looking to cause trouble. This month it was particularly upsetting because, as it used to be in the past, I directed my upset towards D, blaming him for not feeding his kids a more healthy diet (it always boils down to food. I’ve been obsessed with healthy eating).  Anyway, without going into much detail, we resolved the issue together and are stronger for it. But that doesn’t necessarily make me feel better. What about next month, or the month after that? Will I always have these meltdowns?

I started to fear that they were back and would take over my life, until I remembered a lesson I’d learned back in the height of my recovery: Grow up! I cannot tell you how remembering this one simple phrase just brought it all back- all the lessons I had learned but seemingly forgot. I must remember that I control me, no one else. And that trying getting whooped up into gossip, and allowing others to control me and me in turn trying to control others is childish. I am better than that and what’s more, I must remain focused on the bigger picture.

When we recover though, and I mean REALLY recover to the point of being able to finally manage our lives well and have healthy relationships, we sometimes forget those early lessons that brought us to a place of enlightenment in the first place. We implode and fall back on old ways. We fall back on failure instead of pushing ourselves to continue seeking success.

It was just a couple weeks ago where I wrote that I was completed CURED of love addiction. But now, I’m not so sure. At times in my life, I do feel myself crashing and it takes effort to pull myself back up and stop the negative thinking in my head. It’s not that I act out in ways that are desperate or bottom level. It’s not that I am addicted to any one person. But I will at times lose my self-esteem. I will be plagued by self-doubt. I will avoid myself or simply want to quit everything (meaning my job, etc.) and go bury myself in a hole. I will even sometimes think “Is this it? Is this what I have been fighting for? Is this what I have been trying to reach?” And now that I am here in this spot, now what?”

What’s nice is that this kind of thinking does not apply to D, but rather to me and me alone. It has to do with my life, my work, my career, my hobbies, my house, my interests. I am still at odds with these things and can only hope I recognize a way to soothe the turmoil.

My advice today: for those in active recovery, don’t give up hope! And don’t forget the lessons you learned that brought you here. Bad days are normal. They are a part of life. Try to make peace with them and remain a grown up!