Monthly Archives: June 2010

Responsibility to others and the world

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Lately, I am feeling ANGRY and HELPLESS and CONFUSED about the oil spill in the gulf. What can we do? How can we make sense of the senselessness of our ways? How can we go on living our “way of life” when there is such a high price?

In recovery we practice self-focused behavior. We turn inward so as to heal and make ourselves stronger. It’s very egocentric, but it is necessary to rebuild the self so that one day, the self is strong enough to help others. I feel as though I have made it to that point of focusing outside myself, I feel a great need to help others and get involved, and yet, I am OVERWHELMED!

I went to my nephew’s choral concert yesterday at church. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of contradiction in the lyrics of their songs as they sung things like “God will take care of us and watch over us.” I may be misinterpreting the words, but MANY of the problems of the world like the oil spill, are MAN-MADE. We can’t just sit back and think God will take care of us. We need to start taking responsibility for the destruction we are causing. We need to change our way of life, NOT hold on to it. Our way of life is destructive (industrialization, massive amount of excess and waste, destroying the land, over-developing, etc.) We need to stop waiting for God to “fix” things, while we destroy it.

The earth is getting too heavy for God to hold. We need to lighten his load and help him carry this planet. Our responsibility in advanced recovery is to redirect our energy from the Self and begin to focus on helping others and doing good for the world.

But what can we do? As I mentioned, I feel helpless. The destruction seems beyond me. I am not an environmentalist, nor a scientist, nor an activist. But I am a writer. And I can write and inspire others to find what they are good at. I can challenge others to take action. Learn a trade, develop your skills and offer your knowledge to the world. Policy makers make policies. Lawmakers make laws, presidents make speeches and allocate tasks, workers work…find what you’re good at and use it well. This is a final task of recovery.

Drama

Posted on by l0velyjune
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This blog post might seem a little condescending. It’s not meant to. I used to be VERY drawn to drama until I realized why I was drawn to it, and the benefits of avoiding it. Drama is not necessarily an unavoidable feature of life. Yes, it happens, but you don’t have to be involved in it. Nor is it a positive part of your recovery. One of the goals of recovery, should be to actively avoid drama.

One of the sure signs of healthy recovery is the avoidance of drama. Not only in one’s love life, but every area of life: career, social networks, friends, family, etc.

Drama tends to be created not so much from one source, but rather from the collective thoughts, actions and communications of a group. The bigger the group and the more incapable its members are of “putting out the fire” so to speak, the worse the drama can be.

Years ago, I learned that when issues arise within a group, you have two choices: you either participate and try and resolve the issue or you bow out and wait for the problems to blow over. If you decide to participate in the resolution of the groups’ issues, you have yet another two choices: you can either be part of the problem or part of the solution. This is where it gets tricky, because many people don’t recognize that they are one or the other. But here’s a great way to determine if you are causing more of the drama or helping to abate it. Ask yourself:

  1. When I participate in group issues am I thinking in the best interest of myself or the group as a whole?
  2. Are my comments meant to help or hinder the group?
  3. Are my comments self-serving or hurtful to others or will some benefit come out of what I have to say?
  4. Am I gossiping? Spreading rumors? Talking behind others’ back? And if so, will any of that serve to help the drama to subside?
  5. Am I putting myself in others’ shoes before I share my thoughts?
  6. Am I waiting a day or two before saying something I may regret?
  7. Am I trying to be tolerant and understanding of other people’s issues that are sometimes brought into the drama? So often we forget that unhealthy people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say. Sometimes when people are under a lot of stress, we need to have more patience for them and their behavior.
  8. Am I reacting with my head, my heart or both?
  9. Am I mentally/emotionally in a good enough place to participate in resolving issues? Or will I be bringing my own set of personal problems into the drama?
  10. Do I have all the facts?

It’s so hard to take accountability for being in the middle of something you probably should not be. And part of the inherent problems with Love Addicts specifically is that they are drawn to drama. Why? I believe it’s because of several factors.

  • We seek out people and situations that help us disengage from ourselves. We do not want to deal with our own personal problems, as they are too painful, so we prefer to deal with the problems of others. In this way, being drawn to drama is a defense mechanism.
  • Many of us do not have the social skills of tolerance, patience and compassion. Our growth is stunted due to the fact that we have refused for many years to face our own problems, so when it comes to conflict resolution, we have either never learned how to resolve conflicts, or we resolve them in a way that tends to lack compassion, tolerance and patience for others.
  • Many LAs, depending on our stage of recovery, are going through an egocentric, narcissistic phase. When a human only acts on his or her own behalf, a level of immaturity becomes apparent. Egocentric people cannot make decisions based on the best interest of the group. They tend to make decisions based on meeting their needs and their needs only. Accusations fly, regretful comments are made, mud is slung.

Lastly, no one person ever exhibits all these traits (OK, maybe they do). Usually, drama is the product of many people. One little snowflake goes unnoticed. A gazillion is a snow storm. So, it is always in our best interest to give every individual the benefit of the doubt when it comes to seeing drama as a whole. I like to believe in Maslow’s theory of motivation: that every person in the world, no matter what they say or do, is motivated by a need to be loved. When I remember that, I tend to have much more compassion for selfish or thoughtless behavior. And my own way of dealing with drama? Avoid it. When there is an issue and intelligent, considerate people sit down to resolve that issue, there is no drama. There is successful conflict resolution. If that is not present, I do not participate until there is. For more info on successful conflict resolution, click here.

To give advice or not, that is the question…

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Last night there was a little drama on the LAA forums. I hate to say it, but now that I am where I am, I can’t relate to or tolerate too much drama (years ago I thrived on it). The drama is based on an ever-going debate as to whether or not the LAA site is 12-step based or not. That doesn’t necessarily mean much to me. What does, though, is the fact that if it were a traditional 12-step program, advice (the exchange of it) cannot occur. On the one hand, I can understand how this kind of rule would apply:

  1. In recovery you need to think for yourself. Half the reason you’re in the situation you’re in is because you most likely have lost your identity and do not think for yourself. I am guilty of this and I have seen many guilty of this. Therefore, you must come to certain conclusions yourself. Sure, it makes the process harder, but this is your recovery and you must work it alone (with support, not direction from others).
  2. Despite good intentions, there are many people out there at different levels of recovery that will offer wrong or bad advice. On a small scale that might mean someone ill advises you to tell your husband about your affair, believing that truth should be your ultimate goal. But this advice backfires and the husband divorces you. On a larger scale I can think only of cultish religious groups that advise you to turn over all your money, possessions and sometimes even your life. In these two cases, advice is not good.
  3. No one knows you (especially on a message board) better than yourself. And what advice might work for one person, simply may not work for another. Trouble is, when we are in early recovery we do not know this information. We believe the answers lie outside ourselves, which thus, leads us to continue the cycle of dependence on others.
  4. Lastly, advice given specifically from message boards is based on the honor system. Who’s giving the advice? How well do they know you or your situation? How well did this advice work for them? The source of advice needs to be trusted and that can be very tricky to figure out in cyberspace.

But on the other hand, the giving of advice is invaluable, especially to those suffering, in pain and new to recovery. When I was in the throes of my addiction I didn’t know up from down, left from right. I didn’t know how things worked, the difference between right and wrong or what was NORMAL. Like so many new to recovery, I was an infant. I had just been born– or rather I had just come to the realization that something was seriously wrong with my life and I needed to change, grow and learn a new way of living. And when I was there the advice I received from support groups was INVALUABLE. It was a life force for me. Others who had come before me, reassured me that things would change, get better. They advised me to keep posting, stay focused, don’t give up. They yelled at me, “don’t be a fool,” “what you’re doing is wrong,” “stop feeling sorry for yourself.” And, with their advise, they ultimately helped me to redirect my energy into something more positive.

Advice, along with your own personal common sense and inner strength, along with support from others and courage from within, is a part of the process of learning and becoming. When you are a child you need the advice of your elders (“don’t stick your hand in the fire”). And when you are in early recovery, I believe you need the advice of those who are in advanced recovery (“stop the affair, you are destroying your life.”) And whether this advice is called “advice” or “inspiration” or “guidance” or whatever…it is the invaluable exchange of wisdom and information that is essential to better living and growth.

However, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. And so it is the same with advice. And well it should be. You don’t swallow a pill without water to help it go down and the same should be said of advice. You should never believe in someone else’s advice more than your own instinct of what is right and wrong. If something smells fishy, it probably is. And you need to trust yourself and your own judgment when it comes to listening and learning. We know the world is round because someone went again fact and discovered for himself that those facts were wrong. And that same amount of questioning and doubt must be applied to the advice you receive. What is the source? How does it apply to my life? Does it make sense? Does it feel right? Will it help me in the long run or hurt me or someone else?

So while I think that some advise is inappropriately given, I still believe the exchange of advice is vital to a recovery-based community, but that all advice must be taken with a grain of salt and integrated into what is best for you personally. Someone can tell you what to do, but you are the one who ultimately decides what’s best for you. You are the one who ultimately decides to follow the advice or not.

Here are some other thoughts on advice:

HOw to give advice

To advise or not