Monthly Archives: December 2009

Toxic Substances

Posted on by l0velyjune
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As some of you may know, I am a firm believer in the fact that food and drink can change a person’s mood and cause many LAs to revert to toxic behavior and toxic thinking. Yes, yes, yes, alcohol is the obvious culprit. But I also wanted to draw attention to caffeine and sugar.

I am a pretty serious coffee drinker. I only drink one type of coffee in the morning: a New Orleans brand coffee and chickory blend called “Cafe du Monde” (from the infamous New Orleans cafe of the same name).  Even if I go on vacation, I will bring some of this stuff in a little baggy with me and brew it my hotel room. Occasionally, if it’s late enough in the afternoon, I’ll get a Starbucks– a soy latte, extra foam. But ONLY if I need to stay up late and even then, I must really be careful how much I drink. I stick to this strict regimen for one reason only– my mood. If I miss my morning cup, depression on the second day sets in. If I drink a half a cup more than usual, but then forget to this on day two, on day three moodiness sets in. And if by chance I am feeling especially celebratory and go for that latte in the afternoon, I almost must keep it up the next day and the day after that lest I come crashing down into a brainless stupor when I finally decide to stop.

When, like during the holidays, I combine too much coffee drinking with a couple glasses of wine at dinner, then maybe add a few cookies for dessert, my brain and emotional state become a breeding ground for insecurity, depression, moodiness, doubt and crankiness. Add to all that an impeding monthly period and I am a relapsed Love Addict.

This is not just my imagination. It’s FACT. And it took me a very long time to truly understand how toxic these substances can be to me. Thing is, I was never clearly able to pinpoint coffee, wine, period and sugar as causing such severe problems because I was always in such crappy relationships that I simply blamed the PoA or myself for not understanding whatever the situation was about. I didn’t know, for example, if I was really upset if G didn’t call to say goodnight to me or if I was just overreacting because of my period. The other thing was, if G didn’t call to say goodnight, I might be OK with it at one point (when I wasn’t drinking too much coffee), but not another (if I had had wine the night before). Even now, if I have a couple drinks on a Tuesday night, rest assure that on Thursday, I will be imagining that D no longer loves me.

My point in all this is that IF you are in active recovery, I STRONGLY suggest you block all these things from your diet, or at least, be AWARE of their possible influence on your system. They cause chemical reactions. Love addiction is, after all, a chemical reaction. These substances, therefore,  may provoke emotional instability, insecurity and a heightened sense of neediness for someone or hatred for someone. Bottom line: certain foods and drinks may interfere with the clarity of your thoughts and the stability of your emotions and thus, your ability to UNDERSTAND who you are.

And on that note, I think I’ll go have some decaffeinated tea!

Eye of the storm

Posted on by l0velyjune
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There’s a false sense of calm over the semester break. It makes me think I can just slack off and do nothing. Yet, that is entirely false. I need to stay focused and work towards my goals: finishing grad school, publishing my work, maintaining my job at the company and eventually getting or creating a job I enjoy. Now that the craziness of the holidays is over, I have allowed myself an entire day to sit in front of the computer and do absolutely nothing but post little stuff here and there. I feel like I’ve sunk back into my love addiction, where I spent all day WAITING for G to come over or call after he was done at the diner. God, what an awful feeling. I haven’t felt like that in awhile. I’ve been enormously busy since September that this peace feels ugly, strange and wasteful. I did, after all, always believe I was more a procrastinator than a love addict. Ugg. I must motivate myself.

And I will! After tonight’s little get-together. My dearest friend DB is home for the holidays and she’s coming over tonight to hang with me and D and D’s sister and possibly D’s brother. So, one more night of festivities and then I need to make a list to start me back on a more motivational track. Wish me luck!

Feeling a little insecure tonight

Posted on by l0velyjune
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OK so…I hope everyone made it through the holidays. WE’RE ALMOST DONE WITH THIS COMMERCIAL NIGHTMARE!!! Anyway, me and the lovely D had an awesome first Christmas; loving, warm, familial. He sent me flowers (so unexpected), gave me a beautiful card, and got me a nice fluffy new bathrobe. We had Xmas eve together with my friends and family, and he even stopped over my mother’s Xmas eve and spent a couple hours.  But last night, (Xmas night) while over at my mom’s, he told me, rather casually, that his ex came over for their Xmas dinner celebration. Basically, his parents, his sis, his kids and his ex wife had Xmas dinner together.

I understand that ex-wives still have relationships with their in-laws–I do. I have a very good, loving relationship with mine– but I guess I found it odd that D was there too, having dinner as a whole family unit, albeit for the sake of the kids. To me, that would be like if my mother invited R and I over for dinner together, despite that I was dating D and he was dating A.

I also understand that this is their first official Xmas apart and that no one has boundaries yet or knows really what to do or where to go. Everyone needs time to work out their new “place” in this new life. But the thing is, she left him for another man, cheated on him and filed for divorce. Now suddenly, “for the sake of the kids” she’s dining with his parents and HIM! Am I jealous? A little. More than anything though, I am just feeling insecure. I DO trust him. This has come up in conversation before and he has literally no feelings for her anymore. He’s done. And besides, he’s loves me immensely. I know this. And yet, at times, possibly because I don’t have kids with him, I feel like I am part of a polygamist marriage, sharing him with his “other” wife. In fantasy-land, I don’t want him to have a relationship with any other woman but me. In reality, I must share him. I suppose that could be a blessing in disguise. If she is around, he will always be reminded of how crappy his life could have been. And he is usually always renewed with love for me, after having dealt with her. But instead, he’s been run down and tired and cranky. Probably because of all the drinking, food and caffeine we’ve both been doing. It has been A LOT. So, I’m not getting the D I know and love.

Anyway, I asked him if everything was OK (if we were OK) without mentioning anything about his ex or how weird I think it might be. He said, we are wonderful and that he loves me very much. He’s just tired and cranky. I have to trust him. It’s hard, because I am not used to trusting anyone. But it’s a risk I must take. Besides, the longer I think about it, I believe I have to just bite the bullet on this one and let time smooth things out. He, after all, comes with baggage. We all do. I just hope I can handle it, that’s all. And more than that, I hope I can always maintain my own sense of self and self-confidence in the face of what’s in store.

Earlier, to feel better about all this, I found an amazingly atypical site with famous quotes put together by a woman with craniosynotosis and a great sense of expression. Some of these quotes I had never heard before and so, I wanted to share my favorites with you…

The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness. –Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind

Don’t expect happiness. You won’t get it; people let you down. … In the end, you die in your own arms. –Nancy Marchand, in The Sopranos

The secret of contentment is knowing how to enjoy what you have, and to be able to lose all desire for things beyond your reach. –Lin Yutang

Freedom is what you do with what’s been done with you. –Jean-Paul Sartre

None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. –Johann Wolfgang von Göethe

Don’t surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
–Hafiz, “Absolutely Clear”

DO NOT SUFFER FROM LONELINESS. Go outside. Go away. It’s all the people making you lonely. Pick a spot on the horizon and head straight for it. Weave your way through a stand of redwoods. Kayak an island chain. Peer over your toes at the edge of a canyon. Go to your favorite place. Again, and again. This is what you need to do. Not just because it fuels your independence. But because it reminds you you’re a part of something bigger. And although it may not occur to the baffled onlookers who can’t take their eyes off your smiling mud-covered wired-up insane self, it will occur to you: You aren’t the one who’s lonely. –from a Nike ad

Loneliness is dangerous … because if aloneness does not lead to God, it leads to the devil. It leads to the self. –Joyce Carol Oates, “Shame”

Loneliness is the clearest of crystal insight into your own soul; it’s the fear of one’s own self that haunts the lonely. –Keith Haynie

Astonishing the way the world can tilt on its axis and yet people continue to walk upright, to go about their days, eating their dinners in restaurants, making their plans. –Debra Dean, The Madonnas of Leningrad

A strange thought: I would not want this not to have happened. Because if I escape I shall be a completely different and I think better person. Because if I don’t escape, if something dreadful happened, I shall still know that the person I was and would have stayed if this hadn’t happened was not the person I now want to be.
         It’s like firing a pot. You have to risk the cracking and the warping. –John Fowles, The Collector

In times of crisis, the heart either breaks or boldens. – Honoré de Balzac, La Recherche de l’absolu

In reasonable measure, hope sustains us. In great excess, it distorts perceptions, dulls the mind, corrupts the heart to no less an extent than does heroin. –ditto

Everything is a miracle. We just have to recognize it. –Federick Fellini

It is much more sensible to be an optimist instead of a pessimist, for if one is doomed to disappointment, why experience it in advance? –Amelia Peabody Emerson

Nothing is ours except time. –Seneca, Epistles

To know you have enough is to be rich. –Lao-Tzu, Tao Te Ching

I try to teach my heart to want nothing it can’t have. –Alice Walker, The Color Purple

Merry Christmas to All!

Letter to a love addict

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Dear Love Addict,

I know this is going to sound counterintuitive, and completely radical, bordering on hopeless and cruel, but I want you to really THINK ABOUT what I am about to confront you with:

What if someone came up to you today and said, “You will never be able to love anyone or have a sexual relationship with anyone  ever again; you’re only option in life is to love and be loved by family and friends.” Period. No lusty sex. No romance. No life partner. No marriage or wedded bliss. Life would simply be lived as if you were an 80-year old man or woman who had lost his or her partner, and thus all hope of romance. What you did have, however, was the comfort, love and happiness from family, grandkids, friend and yourself. Think about it. Think deeply. Imagine it (Love addicts are great at imagining!)

What would you do? How would you feel? How do you feel thinking about it now? Is it a fate worse than death? Would you give up? Decide not to participate in life anymore? Bury yourself in a hole? Or would you adapt to your circumstances and try to enjoy what you did have (instead of dreaming of what you could have)?

Granted, this is a rather bleak exercise. But it’s an important one. Depending on how much thought you gave it, this exercise can help determine just how addicted (or should I said married?) you are to the idea of NEEDING romantic love. It also begs the question, at what point in your life do you accept and love yourself AS IS, without constantly seeking that which you do not possess?

Here’s the deal:

Your job as a human being who loves himself or herself, is to accept your life and your situation as it is, and to give up this fantasy, this life of LONGING. When we long for something, we cannot see or appreciate what we have in the now. We are blinded by HOPE for a future that may not ever be ours.

Sometimes love addiction and longing for love and affection is akin to a person who constantly seeks fame and fortune and feels like a failure if these things don’t come to him. His whole life is built on the hope that he will be rich and famous some day, but his chances of becoming those things, as with everyone’s, are slim to none. So he spends his whole life in longing, never appreciating what is right in front of him. All the work you are doing,  seems to be for this one outcome: to meet and love another human being. But what if this never happens? Western culture lies to us by telling us in movies and novels that romantic love is the most important thing in the world, BUT IT’S NOT! There are other things of more value. But you cannot see that because you are starving. The work that you do on yourself is for you and your own personal strength. We do NOT do all this recovery work to GAIN a relationship. That’s not why we do all this work. That’s NOT recovery. Recovery is about loving yourself and accepting who you are AS IS. It’s not about becoming a hero and winning the leading lady. Or having a man dote after you and be your Prince Charming. It’s about saying, I MAY NEVER FIND LOVE AGAIN, BUT I’M OK WITH THAT. For most people, this is the scariest, ugliest truth that they never want to face. It was for me. But once you face it, once you accept it, once you embrace reality, it is then, that your whole life changes. Not for anyone else but you.

You are longing for something you do not have. You are building a life on things and wishes you do not possess. You have to somehow accept what you DO have and be happy anyway.

My breaking point came when I was 40 and realized that there was no one for me. The well had run dry and I would probably never love again. I would probably be alone for the rest of my life, except my kids and my family. I had a choice. I could either be miserable about that and dwell on what I did not have, or I could do something else. I could make peace with whatever I had at the time.

I chose to make peace with my life because it was all I had left. Because I would rather be happy than miserable. Because being alone was better than being disrespected, avoided, mistreated and devalued. Anything decent that came my way was a plus, but it wasn’t something I longed for anymore. It is at this breaking point, at this moment of SURRENDER when life becomes worth living. I never understood that until last year. And quite frankly, I am trying to hold on that feeling for dear life, because I never want to lose it.

Please! Read “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Victor Frankl if you haven’t already. The man was a psychologist. He had a beautiful family, love, a great job; he had it all. And then he was captured by the Nazis and held in a concentration camp for years. Did he suffer? Yes, he did. He suffered and lost many family members including his wife and some of his children, I believe. AND YET, he was able to accept the meaning of his life and remain alive and vital in spite of his situation. He had to give up the fantasy and the LONGING of being released and set free and had to make peace with the reality of his circumstances no matter what they were. He had to accept the reality that he may not have been let go. That he may have been sent to the incinerators at any moment. How does a human find meaning in that? How does a human make peace with that? Read the book; learn from his suffering.

You are in your own concentration camp right now. But unlike Frankl who was captured, YOU put yourself there. Now that you’re there, you need to make peace with it, or you need to learn how to get out. That’s your job. That’s your life. Happiness is not a right; it’s a privilege that must be earned. I hope, for your sake, you have the strength to understand the difference.

Sincerely, T