Monthly Archives: July 2009

Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I recently came across Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development and I found it extremely applicable to how and why we have become love addicts and more so, how we can follow a clearer path to a better sense of self and healing. I’m sure many of us can take a look at these stages and say “yes! I fell apart on several of these important stages and went the poorly managed route!” But that’s not the point of this reading. The point is to see what stages you did not develop well and try to redevelop them. For example, in my own experience I deal with a lot of guilt issues, self doubt and feeling that I am not capable of achieving certain (rather realistic) goals. According to Erikson, I need to work on taking more initiative so that I can build confidence in this area and thus, grow and mature more healthily.

Hope this helps someone out there!

What is Psychosocial Development?

Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development is one of the best-known theories of personality in psychology. Much like Sigmund Freud, Erikson believed that personality develops in a series of stages. Unlike Freud’s theory of psychosexual stages, Erikson’s theory describes the impact of social experience across the whole lifespan.

One of the main elements of Erikson’s psychosocial stage theory is the develoment of ego identity.1 Ego identity is the conscious sense of self that we develop through social interaction. According to Erikson, our ego identity is constantly changing due to new experience and information we acquire in our daily interactions with others. In addition to ego identity, Erikson also believed that a sense of competence also motivates behaviors and actions. Each stage in Erikson’s theory is concerned with becoming competent in an area of life. If the stage is handled well, the person will feel a sense of mastery, which he sometimes referred to as ego strength or ego quality.2 If the stage is managed poorly, the person will emerge with a sense of inadequacy.

In each stage, Erikson believed people experience a conflict that serves as a turning point in development. In Erikson’s view, these conflicts are centered on either developing a psychological quality or failing to develop that quality. During these times, the potential for personal growth is high, but so is the potential for failure.

Psychosocial Stage 1 – Trust vs. Mistrust

The first stage of Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development occurs between birth and one year of age and is the most fundamental stage in life.2

Because an infant is utterly dependent, the development of trust is based on the dependability and quality of the child’s caregivers.

If a child successfully develops trust, he or she will feel safe and secure in the world. Caregivers who are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or rejecting contribute to feelings of mistrust in the children they care for. Failure to develop trust will result in fear and a belief that the world is inconsistent and unpredictable.

Psychosocial Stage 2 – Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt

The second stage of Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development takes place during early childhood and is focused on children developing a greater sense of personal control.2

Like Freud, Erikson believed that toilet training was a vital part of this process. However, Erikson’s reasoning was quite different then that of Freud’s. Erikson believe that learning to control one’s body functions leads to a feeling of control and a sense of independence.

Other important events include gaining more control over food choices, toy preferences, and clothing selection.

Children who successfully complete this stage feel secure and confident, while those who do not are left with a sense of inadequacy and self-doubt.

Psychosocial Stage 3 – Initiative vs. Guilt

During the preschool years, children begin to assert their power and control over the world through directing play and other social interaction.

Children who are successful at this stage feel capable and able to lead others. Those who fail to acquire these skills are left with a sense of guilt, self-doubt and lack of initiative.3

Psychosocial Stage 4 – Industry vs. Inferiority

This stage covers the early school years from approximately age 5 to 11.

Through social interactions, children begin to develop a sense of pride in their accomplishments and abilities.

Children who are encouraged and commended by parents and teachers develop a feeling of competence and belief in their skills. Those who receive little or no encouragement from parents, teachers, or peers will doubt their ability to be successful.

Psychosocial Stage 5 – Identity vs. Confusion

During adolescence, children are exploring their independence and developing a sense of self.

Those who receive proper encouragement and reinforcement through personal exploration will emerge from this stage with a strong sense of self and a feeling of independence and control. Those who remain unsure of their beliefs and desires will insecure and confused about themselves and the future.

Psychosocial Stage 6 – Intimacy vs. Isolation

This stage covers the period of early adulthood when people are exploring personal relationships.

Erikson believed it was vital that people develop close, committed relationships with other people. Those who are successful at this step will develop relationships that are committed and secure.

Remember that each step builds on skills learned in previous steps. Erikson believed that a strong sense of personal identity was important to developing intimate relationships. Studies have demonstrated that those with a poor sense of self tend to have less committed relationships and are more likely to suffer emotional isolation, loneliness, and depression.

Psychosocial Stage 7 – Generativity vs. Stagnation

During adulthood, we continue to build our lives, focusing on our career and family.

Those who are successful during this phase will feel that they are contributing to the world by being active in their home and community. Those who fail to attain this skill will feel unproductive and uninvolved in the world.

Psychosocial Stage 8 – Integrity vs. Despair

This phase occurs during old age and is focused on reflecting back on life.

Those who are unsuccessful during this phase will feel that their life has been wasted and will experience many regrets. The individual will be left with feelings of bitterness and despair.

Those who feel proud of their accomplishments will feel a sense of integrity. Successfully completing this phase means looking back with few regrets and a general feeling of satisfaction. These individuals will attain wisdom, even when confronting death.

More About Erikson and Psychosocial Stages

Erik Erikson Biography

Psychosocial Stages Summary Chart

References:

1 Erikson, E.H. (1968). Identity: Youth and Crisis. New York: Norton.

2 Erikson, E.H. (1963). Childhood and Society. (2nd ed.). New York: Norton.

3 Carver, C.S. & Scheir, M.F. (2000). Perspectives on Personality. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.

Balance

Posted on by l0velyjune
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This morning in my yoga class the teacher was talking about the importance of balance and how your mind, not just your physical body, needs to work extremely hard to achieve physical balance.

Of course, I applied this thinking to love addiction. The truth is, as love addicts, we are acutely off balance. Anyone with a disease of psychological disorder is. In order for us to achieve natural balance we end up going after our polar opposite in a mate and then clinging on to them, past all dignity, so as to maintain some sense of balance. This is not quite recovery, but rather, addiction at its worst.

In order to achieve real balance in life, and thus become healthy, it is immensely important to use our brains and FOCUS on our recovery. “Slips” happen naturally- they balance out the pain we feel on the inside and temporarily make us feel whole again. And yet, slipping, among other unhealthy behaviors of a love addict, is counterproductive to healing and recovery. Healthy living comes from focusing and maintaining a right way of living, which takes greater effort. Slipping is easy.

True balance comes from a shift or change in what feel “natural,” or “safe.” In yoga, when you do the Warrior pose, it doesn’t feel natural at all. At least at first. But the more you train your mind to accept the balance and the difficulty of the pose, the more natural it feels and the better balanced you become.

Bottom line: if you leave your recovery up to what feels good and natural (physical self and emotional self), you will have a far more difficult recovery than if you train your mind to work towards balance.

Criticism

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I have come to realize that:

  1. I am a poor reader
  2. I jump to wrong conclusions sometimes
  3. I feel shame if I am not 100% accepted
  4. I don’t take criticism well, even if it is delivered in the sweetest, kindest way
  5. I am sometimes insensitive and don’t like being told so.
  6. I am defensive
  7. I am sometimes a poor communicator.

Intimacy is intimidating. D and I are at that crucial point in our relationship where neither of us are on our best behavior at all times anymore and sometimes our insecurities and defenses go up.

On his part he says the following:

I am imperfect.  I am sometimes too sensitive.  I sometimes think I am right and have it all figured out.  I am sometimes dismissive of other peoples feelings, instead of just recognizing them as that and that feelings, moods, emotions swing and change.  I am sometimes intolerant, which is, in a way, not very sensitive.

I give him credit for knowing these things about himself and sharing them, but now the issue is how to deal with his idiosyncrasies and mine when they tend to flair up.

Positive self talk helps. Believing that he may not always be right and I may not always be wrong helps. And lastly, not taking things too personally helps. People bicker all the time. Arguments ensue. When someone criticizes it’s because they are struggling to maintain the peace of their own life. I have to learn to accept criticism and not take it so personally. It’s not the end of the world and it’s not a reflection upon the person I am inside.

Sure fire ways to get over the person you're addicted to

Posted on by l0velyjune
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As a favor to one of my readers and as a measure of helping others better understand the harshness of this post, I want to set up a disclaimer: This post was written for me at one of the lowest points of my love addiction. It may perhaps come off as self-abuse. Tracy, why are you being so harsh with yourself? It may even be seen as a representation of how submissive I can be, yelling myself into understanding recovery. But the main point is that it worked. OK, so I needed to hear this at a time in my life, so as to get over what I considered petty behavior. I believed that if I stopped thinking my problems were so disastrous it would help to put things in perspective for me. The bottom line message that I needed to “get” was that we all need to remove our egos from the equation of our suffering. If we stop and think in term of ourselves as being a part of a bigger picture, connected to all other souls on the planet, we tend to see our own personal suffering as something smaller and more manageable. We stop acting “childish” and going after immediate gratification and pleasure (removal of pain) and start to adapt to the idea that every creature on earth suffers and extracts pain from life. In this way, we are able to keep our suffering in perspective and resolve our struggles more maturely. I tend to need a wake up call from time to time to get me to this point. So…I am offering this wake up call to you as well, if you need it. You may find my tone offensive but it worked for me. Hopefully, it’ll work for someone out there too. And if not, then read this post as one of my many attempts to heal and work on my own personal struggle with LA.

xo

STOP!

  1. Stop complaining and whining about your miserable life. There are adults in the world whose children have been kidnapped and sold as child warriors who are brainwashed to kill. There are people in India who are experiencing famine, death and drought. There are men, women and children in this country who are starving, living on the streets, scared and lonely…So what if he doesn’t love you. Get on with your life.
  2. Stop obsessing. You are obsessed because you want to be. Because you’re bored and have nothing else to do. Find a life, a hobby, a career. Get un-bored. Trust me, you’ll stop obsessing when you start living!
  3. Stop being so hard on yourself. Just because one guy doesn’t like you, doesn’t mean all men don’t like you. that’s insane. Get real. You’re a good human being (unless you’re not!), so stop it with the pity party.
  4. Stop complicating things. It is what it is. When someone loves you, it’s pretty black and white. They show it. Love isn’t a guessing game. His one text to you last week is NOT love. He could care less about you. MOVE ON. Stop trying to make it out to be bigger than it actually is.
  5. Stop being a wimp and get real. So you’ve been dumped. So you’ve lost your man to another woman. So he’s not into you. Who cares! Move on. The more you linger around trying to figure it all out, the more time you waste.
  6. Stop holding on to his memory. You have better things to do, like LIVE and find someone who really appreciates you.
  7. Grow up! Recovery is about MATURITY. It takes a mature individual to not only get the concepts of recovery but to apply them as well. A child lingers and whines about his or her lot in life. An adult changes things if he or she is dissatisfied.

Moving away from the father

Posted on by l0velyjune
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This morning as I was on my way to the gym, I heard an old song on the radio by Jerry Jeff Walker that reminded me of my dad. My dad loved JJW and used to play his tunes on his guitar all the time. Of course, the need in me to connect to my father became stronger at that moment, triggered by the song, despite that he’s been dead for over five years now. Thing is, my dear father was no where to be found. Not even in the man I was presently dating. Realizing this, an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness washed over me. You see, G and S and even to a small extend MB (basically all my PoAs) were all my way of staying connected to my dad. They all shared the same traits as my father: they were all addicts, they all, to a degree, neglected me, they were all (except MB) creative bad boys, they all frustrated me, and they all summoned in me that same sense of fear, loathing and awe that my own father did.

But since moving on and breaking away from inappropriate men and PoAs, I have severed a lifelong bond with my dad. This is hard to accept, but I must. I must accept it because dating a father figure is not in my best interest. It may have been if he were a good, caring father. But that was not the case. So…that being said, I am forced to redefine my ideal man, and I have done so in D. Or, at present, I am trying to consider him my ideal man. It will take awhile. Despite loving him and feeling passionate toward him, I still sometimes miss being neglected and having to deal with trouble. Sounds crazy, right? Well…I am growing in leaps and bounds this year and will continue to do so, and in that sense, I have come further than most women. Cheers!