Monthly Archives: May 2009

La, la, la, I can't hear you…

Posted on by l0velyjune
2

So, a man calls me up on the phone to tell me some bad news. I cringe and say, “that’s pretty upsetting, but,” I add, “it’ll all work out.” He doesn’t want to hear that. La la la. I’m not sure what he wants to hear, so I give him some advice. “Remove yourself from the situation,” I say. “Look at it from a different perspective,” I say. “Don’t jumble the fact of the issue so it suits your argument,” I say. I don’t know what to say after that. My one-liners fizzle. Everything I come up with gets a comeback that starts with, “No, that’s not entirely possible,” or “I don’t think you understand.”

I try to sit back and listen. Just listen. Like a therapist. But that feels too contrived. Fake. No, I need to be apart of this. I need to get my hands dirty and shake things up a bit. I need to inspire him with some chunk of truth he’s never heard before.  So, I rattle off facts:

  1. people adapt
  2. worrying won’t help the situation
  3. there is no reality, only perspective
  4. this is not bad news, it’s challenging news

But I start to get the feeling that I am embroiling myself in a world that I shouldn’t be in. I shouldn’t be giving advice. That’s insensitive. That’s presumptive. A little too bold. Who the hell do I think I am? Who the hell am I to know the answer to everything? My words are failing…

But, words. I want to take away his pain. That’s all. That’s all I want. I want him not to suffer. So, I think my words will save him. I think, if I can come up with just the right collection of words and string them together in just the right way, I will take away your pain and make things right. And that’s all I want. To make things right for him. That’s what it’s all about anyway, isn’t it?

Communication is about saving someone’s soul, right? It’s about right action, right?

But we go on like this for twenty minutes. Nothing resolved. No resolution. It feels abnormal. Painful almost. I haven’t solved his problem and the bad news is still bad. I didn’t do my alchemical part and turn his metal into gold. In fact, I might be making things worse. And so I fall apart. Speechless.  Stammering. Until the route he’s taken has brought him to a place where communication is no longer possible and we slip back into separateness.

I think of how I learned to communicate and expect a beginning, a middle and an end. I spent my entire youth watching those thirty-minute sitcoms we all grew up with. Think Love Boat. Think Fantasy Island. Think Brady Bunch. Week after week of the same thing. A conflict, a resolution, a happy, resolved ending. All loose ends tied up before commercial break, as I sat content upon the sofa letting Jan Brady work it out. Anything less that an Aaron Spelling ending was simply not acceptable.

I never saw my parents “work out” anything via dialog. Sure, they talked. But it was always my dad pacifying my submissive mother. Telling her he was right, she was wrong. “This is the way the world works honey. Just deal.” It was always so black and white. And then the issue never cropped up again. She believed him. And went about her day trying not to question or even notice the nagging loan sharks at the door. All part of the business world, honey.

And then, I spent a couple hours reading MLK’s “Letter from a Birmingham Jail.” It was so much more than I remember, from when I read it years ago in a college comp class. He talks a lot about his non-violent campaigns, which helped to sway the country in abolishing segregation. Real movement. He says, “there are four basic steps [to a non-violent campaign]: collection of the facts to determine whether injustices exist; negotiation; self purification; and direct action.” I tend to see this manner of communicating as right and good and worthy of positive resolution. Hell, it changed the country. And yet, the very paradox of MLK’s ingenuity and creativity of communicating peacefully, seeking resolution, is that he is sitting in a jail cell writing about it.

No resolution.

At least not at that moment in time.

I think patience. I think that words can save, but they need to cook. They need to sink in. I think that other people have other ideas, which need to be valued and respected, and that communication is not so black and white–I’m not always right, he’s not always wrong. I think there is a lot to be said for saying nothing, and instead supporting with kindness, open ears and an open heart. Listening is not fake if you really listen. I think that not everyone wants to be saved. Sometimes they just want to bitch. And hurl angry sentiments into a phone. And curse the world for being so unfair. And they want to expose their tired, imperfect, scrappiness to you, not so that you will save them, but so that you will Know them and love them anyway…

Letter to Susan Peabody

Posted on by l0velyjune
1

Hi Susan–

I just wanted to thank you again for all your good advice throughout this past year and a half. I wanted to let you know that I feel as though I have finally found my very first HEALTHY relationship. I cannot say that S (who came previously) was all that bad, but he was, after all, an avoidant who also smoked pot. Since having gotten over him, I can see clearly how unhealthy he is.

I have been with D for over four months now and though that is not a lot of time, there are certain markers that tell me I am with someone who is genuinely healthy and mutually in love with me. I trust him, he doesn’t do drugs, we share the same values, there’s passion between us, respect, truth, communication, etc. And the nicest part is that it is growing- it’s not fraught with me constantly questioning the validity of his love (as I so often did with the others) because he SHOWS me a gazillion times a day. He is not a commitment-phobe. He is not afraid of intimacy. I can actually make mistakes and he forgives me and loves me in spite of them. He is helpful and kind and talks about the future with me in it. At times, I down play our love and he tells me, “don’t sell us short, T. We are in love. Just accept it.” It’s hard to have so much faith in “us” so quickly I tell him. And he understands. There’s no fighting, just peace. And yet, after all that, I am still waiting for the bottom to fall out. I have NEVER in my entire life had a relationship that was not fraught with some sort of anguish or pain and so I am a doomsday thinker. Are long periods of happiness between people even possible? I thought happiness between couples was a myth. In all honesty, he’s not perfect. He does come with baggage as do I. He is recently divorced and his ex wants to take his children an hour and half up north to live. He is devastated to be losing that close proximity to his children. He’s a lawyer, but becomes very emotional over the struggle to keep his kids in town. These, I imagine, are the types of problems healthy, loving couples have. Where no hate or anger or tension is built up between the two, but rather, the two struggle to overcome problems outside of themselves. This I can handle. This feels like problems worth struggling over.

At any rate, I wanted to share a photo of “us” with you, but it’s confidential. And please wish us luck, as that is what I feel I am with him. Lucky. I am lucky to have met him. I think that’s what it all boils down to, Susan. You definitely need to be healthy to maintain a successful relationship over the long haul, but you need a little luck too. :)

Thanks for making HEALTH possible for me. You are a great woman to have this site and to help so many people who truly want to be helped.

D shows me he loves me in many different ways. He buys me flowers, he buys me gifts and cards, he writes me emails every day from work, he takes me out to lunch, he helps me around the house, he talks me into his future plans, he kisses me, holds me, tells me he loves me, brings me dinner, pays for stuff even when I say, “let me get this.” He laughs at my jokes, he loves being around my family, he is patient with me, he wants to spend as much time as possible with me, he invites me into his world and on and on…

Here is a very small example of our mutual love (if you can’t stand mushiness, don’t read!):

I have a very hard time sleeping in the same bed with someone so, oftentimes, I will get up in the middle of the night and go sleep on the sofa. Most importantly is that D is OK with this and lets me go. He doesn’t come chasing after me or expect me to come back to bed. He just lets me do my thing. Last night, however, I stayed the whole night and was quite proud of myself. We are both excited that we will be able to sleep together normally without me getting up a million times. But this morning, he told me that at one point in the middle of the night he reached his foot over to my side to check to see if I was still there and when he learned I was, was quite happy. The funny thing is, I did the same thing last night. I could not feel him next to me so I reached my foot over to feel for him.

A matter of trust

Posted on by l0velyjune
Reply

I don’t believe I have EVER, ever, ever, EVER, EVER been in a relationship where there’s been one-hundred percent trust, and I wanted to talk about that. My father lied incessantly, my ex-hubby was a compulsive liar, G would lie here and there, S lied increasingly about work and smoking, even MB lied but would then have that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look about him, after which he would confess. I truly did not know what it was like to date a man who did not lie (let alone a man that did not drink, smoke, do drugs or anything else obsessively, but that’s a topic for later). 

I’ll tell you one thing. It’s not like you go around all your life dating blondes and then you suddenly find yourself in love with a brunette. It’s a little more exciting than that.

When I first met D, I proudly exclaimed that I can always tell when someone is lying. “I can read minds,” I said, bragging. And truth be told, it is one of my finest qualities. Heck, I’ve had a lifetime to hone my skills. But D’s response was unusual and believe it or not, slightly disappointing. “I don’t lie,” he said. “In fact, if I tried to lie, it would be pathetic.”

Two things occurred at that moment:

  1. I felt as if one of my best, most well-used skills was being jeopardized (he could care less if I could read minds, because he was claiming that he’d just tell me the truth anyway), and
  2. I didn’t believe him. How could that be true, I thought. Everyone lies. Don’t they?

The short simple answer is no, everyone does not lie. We as LA’s however, are probably very drawn to liars though because we so desperately want to believe in a fairy tale. Not only that, but it almost seems natural that avoidants and lying go together like butter and scotch. How or why I do not know. 

So, as the days went by it was my general nature to still distrust him. He would say he was tired and I wouldn’t believe him. Then he’d come over yawning. A tiny part of me grew in size. 

More time went by and as is naturally the case when you are close with someone, I’d notice more and more examples of this man’s goodness and his trustworthiness. I still had moments where I would distrust or suspect something, but it was ALWAYS quelled by the reality that there was nothing to worry about. 

It has been over four months that we’ve been together. That’s NOT a lot of time. But I have the advantage of knowing his reputation through my brothers who have known him for nearly 20 years. He is known as a very trustworthy, good man. That, coupled with my own observations, has led me to RELAX. FOr the first time in many years, I am actually beginning to trust someone again. That when they say they can’t come over because of x, y and z it means they can’t come over because x, y and z are true. I can relax because for the first time in many years I don’t have to be suspicious or worried or mistrusting. I don’t feel like I always have to question his behavior. I have started to take things at face value. 

“Oh, you took your kids to the park? How nice!” Used to be “Oh, you took your kids to the park? But then why when you called me did I hear voices in the background as if you were at someone else’s house?”

This kind of knee-jerk reaction of suspicion to my boyfriend’s stories does NOT exist anymore. And though my skills at reading minds and figuring out lies is beginning to atrophy, I can deal with that. Because more so than anything, if feels good to feel SAFE and SECURE in something. It feels good to have an instinct about something and have it met with the truth. Yet another sigh of relief in my new life. 

All that being said, here’s my list of characteristics in people you want to AVOID at all costs. You deserve better (I never thought I did, but I know now that I will never settle for less):

  1. Lying: if you catch someone lying, this is a bad sign. It signifies immaturity and an inability to OWN your life and what you’re up to. It also rarely goes away, if ever.
  2. Cheating: cheating is just an overall ugly bad thing. If you’re cheating you should STOP and get real with yourself. Cheating is narcissistic. It shows total disregard and disrespect of SELF and OTHERS. Why get involved with someone that has this repetitively in their past. 
  3. Addiction: Ok, so we’re all addicts here. But that doesn’t mean we have to go out and date someone with the same or worse issues as ourselves. Two addicts together can lead to INSANITY. It’s just not a good idea. I used to think, we’ll have so much in common, he’ll be able to understand me better than anyone. Bull. Never happened. Addicts are oftentimes very selfish, self-centered individuals more concerned with feeding their own addictions rather than trying to understand yours. Besides, their addiction (like OURS) keeps us safe from forming real, intimate bonds with others. Unless an addict has some SERIOUS recovery under his/her belt, STAY AWAY. This is true of workaholics, sex addicts, gamblers etc. 
  4. Narcissism: just plain ‘ol stay away. Bad news. Read more on narcissists here.
  5. Abusive: Physically, mentally, sexually or otherwise. I have never had to deal with physical abuse on any grand scale, but I have experienced enough sexual and mental abuse to not be able to detect it in others. What is black and white to some people is a little gray to me. Example: I never considered the fact that leaving porn magazines out and about where your five-year-old daughter can get to them was abusive. Though it is not directly considered sexual abusive, this is HIGHLY NEGLIGENT behavior. Loving, caring parents try to protect their children from things like that, not expose them to it. Read up on defining abuse so you know what to avoid!
  6. Neglect/Avoidance, and/or Smothering: I used to think that I was bad at giving men enough “personal space.” Or, alternately, that they were bad at giving ME enough personal space. I never realized (until I was in a healthy, loving relationship) that personal space hinges greatly on whether or not you are dating an avoidant– someone who’s prone to neglecting you and/or running away. When someone you like avoids you, or does not spend a healthy, secure amount of time with you, you begin to wonder if your wanting to spend a certain amount of time with him is natural or if you are being too greedy. You begin to distrust yourself. Same in reverse. You could be dating a man who smothers you and you start to pull away, hoping he’ll give you more personal space. Any situation that is out of balance isn’t going to feel good. You need to seek balanced and healthy. SOmeone who is not afraid of commitment or intimacy will not avoid you OR smother you. They give you space and yet, they love being with you. 
  7. Fears Intimacy: This is easy to detect. It’s the guy who’s in his 40′s or 50′s, never been married, no kids, no pets etc. These people are generally FUN and EXCITING. But that’s the end of the line. If you are looking for commitment, you ain’t getting it here. 
  8. Financial problems, doesn’t get along with family, etc.: Getting fired or losing your job is one thing. Unable to hold down a job and constantly in financial crisis is a headache you don’t need. Plus, it’s a tell tale sign of instability and incapable of committing in a loving relationship. 

I’m sure there’s a ton more to this list, but these are the basics!