Monthly Archives: April 2009

A story of recovery

Posted on by l0velyjune
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When I first divorced in the summer of ’04 (a few months after my father died of a drug O.D.) I was happily able to maintain possession of my home and my ex moved out. I had been sleeping in the guest room for many months while he had the master bedroom (all my choice). When he left, the house had less furniture and a whole lot of free space. The whole house was mine and I was ecstatic. The master bedroom was empty and I could finally move back in promptly. Thing is, I didn’t. I didn’t move at all. I stayed in the very small guest room.

For months I didn’t find it strange. I believed I simply liked the front room better. But when I decided it was time to move into the master room, I had a panic attack and went back to the guest room. It would be another two years before I had the courage to move into the Master bedroom and make it my own. 

I now realize that there were two reasons why I could not make the commitment to moving from the guest room into a master room. Both of which are quite telling to my recovery. 

After I divorced, I became the head of household, with my two young sons. There was no man. There was just me. On the one hand I was quite happy to be free, yet on the other, I was overwhelmed with my new role. On a subconscious level, I did not believe I was the head of household. Or rather, I did not WANT to be. Far too grown up in such a huge position of authority. Somewhere deep inside me, I equated the master bedroom with Authority. I believed that room was for a “married couple.” It was for “parents.” And I felt I was neither. I had no husband and I lost my father. So…I remained in the guest room, almost like a little girl. I refused to grow up, if only symbolically. 

The second reason had to do with the fact that after I was divorced I felt free-floating. I felt untethered. Despite having a rotten marriage and a neglectful husband, I placed MORE value on the fact that marriage, I believed, essentially grounded me. When I was divorced I had nothing to ground me. I can remember having nightmares for many years that I was falling off cliffs and floating through the air and other out-of-control reveries. 

I would do anything to get that sense of stability back and so, when I met G, I made him my whole life. Ironically, it was within my relationship with him that I was able to move back into the master room, ONLY because I thought we would live together. 

But as many of you know, I broke up with G and eventually M and lost S…and through it all (gaining men, and losing men), I came to my senses and realized a few very important things:

  • I am OK as head of my own household. 
  • I believe in my own ability and my own power of authority
  • I do not need a man to make me feel grounded or centered
  • I accept my grown up responsibilities. 

I am writing this because I just realized today through a string of coincidences that I no longer have a PoA. Surprisingly, I received an email from S and surprisingly, I bumped into G. Both were pleasant experiences. But neither affected me in any deep, meaningful, desperate way as if I were in need of seeing or hearing from either of them. Period. The only thing I did recognize was the ABSENCE of drama within me, emotionally. 

I thought for the longest time that if I didn’t have a PoA, I would revert back to the free-floating, untethered feeling I experienced when I was first divorced. This was not the case. I can be WITHOUT an anchor. Or rather, I am my own anchor. 

All this is due in large part to my latest realization that recovery is largely based on one’s ability to be MATURE. To be a grown-up. I don’t think I ever gave this much thought until this past year, and I am not sure where I picked this knowledge up (probably HERE). But I thought I’d share. 

I have no PoA. I have no one I am addicted to. I am no longer even addicted to any substance (I used to be a smoker). If anything I probably have to find a new support group for people addicted to facebook. But, that’s the extent of my addiction right now. 

I believe we are addicts because we think we need something to hold on to. We think that that to which we are addicted will help us feel better, will help us feel grounded, will take care of us and comfort us like a parent. But neither an addiction, nor a person will do any of that for us when we grow up. We are not children any more. We are adults. And we must learn to do it ourselves. And the thing is, sometimes we will fail. But that’s OK. Because the thrill of finally getting it and taking responsibility for our own lives far outweighs the losses we may incur along the way. 

T

Sigh of relief

Posted on by l0velyjune
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All my suspicions were confirmed. All my yearning to know if S still had feelings for me were true. We had a great talk last night. I finally came out and told him I was in a serious relationship. I guess I didn’t want to do that because I feared the inevitable– losing him. But I need to let him go in order to move on. I told him I too still had feelings for him and that that’s why I didn’t think it was a good idea to keep seeing each other, being that I want to move on and don’t believe we are good for each other (S and I, that is). He was cool about it, and pretty much said the same: “I can’t have a relationship with anyone now based on my circumstances. Not that I wouldn’t want one, but I can’t have one….”.

I felt like a weight had lifted off me. We swapped a few more confessions about our feelings but that was pretty much it. I kept it relatively short. We stuttered and stammered a bit. We hadn’t talked that openly in a very long time. But it wasn’t that scary. I told him we’ll just put the “friendship” on the back burner until I have a clearer picture of what I want. He didn’t say he’ll miss me or anything sappy like that, but he did express that he hopes it’s not forever. Me too. 

Doing that made me feel so much better. Like I addressed an important issue that was bothering me. I’m very proud of the “choice” I made. I am happy too to be giving D a fair chance now. For a week or two, since S starting showing up and I actually SAW him, I was began comparing the two, and quite frankly, they physically don’t compare. S is the archetype of the physically perfect man for me (see: Nathan Followill). My type. No question. D is extremely slim. He has a runner’s body. His looks vacillate between scholarly geeky and distinguished business man. DOn’t get me wrong, D is good looking. But in a line up, S would win hands down.

Thing is…I am not very superficial. Or at least, I HOPE TO GOD i am not. I do not base decisions on physical looks, but rather, what’s underneath. And D has a lot of value there. In fact, at one point, I sensed a shallowness coming from S in our convo last night. I mean, I’m sure most of it was coming from insecurity. But still…I think I made the right choice. Actually, I know I made the right choice. And that feels good. 

Gosh, maybe all that yucky feeling inside of me over the past week has been an issue of physicality between S and D. Who knows. But again, I’m trying to weigh the value of these men and what they mean to me on a little more than a few sexy tattoos and some great lips.

Taken from Daily Reflections from Melodie Beattie

Posted on by l0velyjune
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The below is taken from Daily Reflections from Melodie Beattie,which helped me a great deal this week. 


We need to know how far we’ll go, and how far we’ll allow others to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere.

–Beyond Codependency

When we own our power to take care of ourselves – set a boundary, say no, and change an old pattern – we may get flack from some people. That’s okay. We don’t have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.

We don’t have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don’t have to expect them not to react either.

People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.

If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they’ll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That’s normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you flack.

If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That’s okay. That’s flack too.

We don’t have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we’ve decided we want and need to change. We don’t have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn’t deserve it. It will die down.

Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.

Update on D

Posted on by l0velyjune
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We are almost at the three month mark and things have changed. Here is a list of things that might be running concurrent to my previous post “Don’t Give Up.”

  • He said he’s falling in love with me. I said I was thinking the same thing.
  • We are booked to go to Nassau for the last week in April
  • We’ve told my family about “us”, and he’s coming over for Easter with his children
  • We’re spending more time together
  • I have finally experienced my negative, awful mood and have asked for more space and time a part
  • We have had our first series of “discussions” that have caused us discomfort and awkwardness. 
  • He has told me that he wants/sees a future with me.

I think it is with all these new, super intimate advances, that I have become a bit frightened and have pulled back. I feel doubt, anger, disgust, confusion. Other times I am high on our love, sure, and calm. I vacillate between these two extremes. I even get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. This part of the relationship is about negotiating. Hopefully, the negative feelings will go away and I’ll be happy again. I’ll keep you informed!

Don’t give up

Posted on by l0velyjune
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So it has arrived. That point where the veil of love and perfection is lifted and we start to expose ourselves to each other. Where we can no longer hide behind the chemically-induced infatuation that the other feels for us and vice versa.

I’ve been overwhelmed and rundown and burnout and I’m actually complaining that the there’s too much pleasure in my life. How insane is that?

So, here’s the dilemma. Or rather, the crux of what is going on and why this huge, emotional regression on my part…

I am not used to love or intimacy or closeness like this. It’s very scary for me. I find such comfort in avoidants because I can LOSE MYSELF in them. They have problems that need fixing and so, I can easily spend my days obsessing over their problems and i never have to deal with ME. I never have to address the question of who I am and who i need to be to stand on my own. I never have to address the 500 pound elephant in the room. I am a caretaker. I took care of my ex-husband, I took care of G, I took care of MB and I took care of S. I am coming up short with D. He doesn’t need to be taken care of. The opposite, in fact, is true. He wants to take care of me. I simply do not know how to react to that and it makes me want to run.

I came to this conclusion after having been moved by a Ray LaMontagne song, “Let It Be Me.” It should be the caretaker’s creedo. When I was listening to it I came to the sad and confusing realization that I have no one to take care of– that my nature to “rescue” is not being met. And the only one that needs taking care of is ME. Shortly after that, I realized that what I am doing by pushing D away is that I am giving up on myself. I am giving up on the potential of something right and good. I am also giving up on work and grad school and who I am as a vital, producing individual. I am completely giving up on myself and I came home from the gym crying hysterically, saying, “don’t give up Tracy. Please don’t give up…don’t give up on love, don’t give up on you, don’t give up on work…Work it through…hang in there…this is YOUR moment to seize and to change.”

I have been focusing a lot on S too. He popped back in to my life, partly my own doing. Before D and I got serious, I sent S an email stating that I was dating again, but that I missed him very much, or rather that I was thinking of him. And so, in S’s indirect, extremely passive way, he’s kind of pulling me back in, without actually committing to anything himself. It’s hard to explain, but in his ambiguous way, he’s flirting. At any rate, because I have virtually no issues to lose myself in with D, I start fantasizing about S. Thinking that I love and miss him. These are true. I do love and miss him. But I know S is not good for me. Why then, do I continue to entertain the idea that he might be? I don’t know.

The bottom line is that I am feeling extremely exposed, and I do not like it. D and I were progressing so nicely, so deeply and I’m guessing a combination of intimate plans and work related stress just set me off– he’s coming for Easter to meet the whole family, we’re set to go to Nassau at the end of the month, he said he thinks he’s falling in love with me. I want all those things. And I think he’s good for me. But I guess I am fixated on a more immature version of love. I’ve never made it past (or rather through) the “negotiating stage” (see: Judith Sill’s book “A Fine Romance.”), EVER, except with Roberto via marriage (and there wasn’t much communication or negotiating going on there), and maybe George. But George was quite different in that we solved our issues by running away and taking long breaks from each other. When we’d come back, we’d be all in love again, but none of our previous problems were resolved. With S, I had hoped to get to the point of negotiating, but he ran away.  He yessed me to death and i thought everything was going great. Only to bail out in the end. Non-negotiable.

I’m not quite sure what D will do during this phase, confronted with my insecurity. He seems a little whiny about it. A pouter. He’s taking it personally. How can I ask for time away when he has only a very limited amount of time to offer me anyway? Well, hell…I would probably offer you MORE time if it were during daylight hours, damnit. Can I help it if I am not a night person?

I wrote him an email today, below is an excerpt:

I have been having issues at work, thus another reason why I have been slightly withdrawn and ornery. But I won’t go there again, lest we cause more upset. What’s best is to sometimes not think, like you said, and just let it be. Everything always works itself out. I will say though (something I wish I’d said last night) that despite this new development of me not being as “accommodating” as before it doesn’t change my feelings for you or the fact that i still want to move forward with you. It simply means i am making an attempt (better late than never) to go at my own pace. I realize though, that much of a relationship is compromise and I do not expect to always have my way. But hopefully, we both don’t feel threatened by trying to reach a middle ground. Like for example, maybe Friday nights will be our late night/sleep over night and Monday night will be my time. Maybe we can still get together on Mondays, but I can have the rest of the night/morning to myself- like last night. And that’s not even including little visits and stolen moments in the afternoons or evenings that i so love with you. These are some concrete ideas that we can toss around. Yes?  

Here was his reply:

To use your terms, I am a little reluctant to “negotiate” anything with you right now that sets anything down in a schedule, because I don’t really see your needs as falling into a set schedule, but will more likely come in ebbs and flows.  I mean from Friday through Sunday, we got a lot of each other, and it seemed very desired by you.  Last night, not so much.  So lets just let it be for a bit, okay?  And I am not always free on Mondays and Fridays.  I will sometimes have my kids.  I will sometimes have work.  I think we can probably agree that as a general rule, its probably not a good idea if I have a night meeting on a Monday night to stop in late.  You need to just get your sleep and not be woken up by me, and though I like being able to creep in and steal some time with you, once you’re in bed asleep you are done for the night, and it is best to just let you go. 
 
And just so we are clear, you don’t have to write me if you don’t want to.  I don’t want that.  And if you don’t know when your “me” time is satiated, the ball is, only fairly, in your court and I will let you be.  
Anyway, that was a fair compromise and yet, I took the last bit about me not having to write to him as an offense. He didn’t have to add that. But the truth is, maybe the reason it offended me so much was because it was true and I didn’t want to expose that. I told him so and we bickered a little more until I just conceded. He’s a lawyer, for god’s sake. What the hell am I doing arguing with a lawyer. Part of my problem is not owning my behavior, not owning my feelings, not being able to make decisions and stick to them and feel good about them. I say I want space and then I say, come over! I don’t want to confuse him, and I don’t want to hurt him. But the truth is, I am in unchartered territory without a map! I don’t really know how to ask for things I need and be proud when I get them. I can deal with others’ problems so easily. But not my own.
The other issue that is transpiring is with S. He’s in my life in such a small way but I am making it out to be more than it is. SO…I replied to one of his emails by asking if we could talk tonight. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS, but I think I have to end what little communication we are having. It’s emotionally causing a rift in my relationship with D. Ever since Thursday, when S took me and the kids out to dinner, I’ve been unhappy. It’s never a good thing to have two men in your life, so S has got to go.  So…below is the email I wrote to S but will not send. I will tell him over the phone instead:
I’m going to try to make this short and sweet: 


I’ve kind of been hoping to bring myself to a rather superficial point with you (much like we had talked about 6 months ago). You know, just hang out, joke around, send funny emails back and forth, and be friends. No strings, no emotional kinda stuff. But when I saw you the other night there were moments where I felt I would burn up with some kind of rampant, buried emotion; love, lust, hate, anger…Not really sure what, if you ask me. My point is, seeing you the other night made me aware that I’m not sure I want to try to be friends. 

To complicate things even more, I am in a relationship which has since turned from not so serious to serious. His name (ironically) is D. And I do like him a whole lot. Despite being a corporate lawyer, he’s funny, creative, earthy, plays guitar, has two kids, lives on a farm and has goats and chickens.  Probably the most annoying thing about him, from my perspective,  is that he is normal and healthy and responsible and all the things I’m not very used to and generally, if given the slightest chance, will run away from. Thing is, I don’t want to run away. 

So, the problem is, I’m trying to start a life with a new man, while the old one is still there, and sadly. I don’t think that’s healthy. 

That being said, I just wanted to let you know (and not to be too dramatic now) that each of your emails or phone calls is quite difficult for me to deal with, no matter how small or inconsequential you may think they are, and it’s putting a wedge between me and this new guy and drawing me some where into a state of limbo and confusion. Farther from him. Yet, no closer to you. Bottom line: I suppose the easiest way to resolve this is for me to ask that we not attempt our “friendship” just yet. I think more time is needed for me to lighten up over the idea of you. I know I can achieve that. I just need more time. MOre importantly, I really want to move forward. Please respect that i have to try…