Monthly Archives: March 2009

On saying I love you and holding on to the Self

Posted on by l0velyjune
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 I wanted to give everyone an update of where I am right now, and what I am currently dealing with. 

I started dating D mid-January. So it’s been about two months that we’ve been together as a couple. And here are some of the characteristics of our relationship:

  • We are both at a mutual level of “adoration” in that when I feel intensity, he feels the same. When I pull back, it seems he does too. 
  • We are both being cautious because we have both come from fairly serious relationships. And yet, there’s a certain amount of “let’s let things happen organically…”
  • We have not said “I love you.” This is big. I have said this too soon or received it too soon. We are avoiding it so far. I know now not to confuse love with feelings of “intensity” or infatuation. When I feel like I want to say it, I wait and it actually passes. 
  • We are both maintaining our previous lives as best as we can. I say “as best as we can” because when you’re in a new relationship there’s always a few schedule changes you end up making, or sacrifices of your own time you make to see the other. I’m not rigid though, and I am keeping things in perspective and not changing my whole life to accommodate. Little changes here and there. All in the hope that eventually things will start to pick up a new pattern and I will be able to relax again.
  • There are NO issues with drugs or cheating or lying or poor finances or anything else that was on my list of Must Haves and Absolutely Nots. It’s an AMAZING FEELING GIRLS (and guys!) to find someone that you can actually begin to trust because most of your values and his are shared. 
  • We are taking our time and just enjoying. There has been NO TALK of moving in, living together, marriage, kids blah, blah, blah…I tend to want clarification on all that right up front. I don’t seem to want it here. I actually trust that he’s not going any where…And if he did…I would be OK. 
  • I do miss my single life a little bit. I honestly can admit that because I worked so hard for it, that it has become a state which I miss slightly. I take that as a healthy sign. It almost should be this way. It tells me I am not desperate or needy for this relationship. That I could be OK on my own. 
  • I feel VERY loved. Without us ever having used the term, that is how I feel. He’s very engaging, always wants to see me, buys me gifts all the time, dotes on me, very caring, kind etc. 
  • We have never yet fought about anything. We only laugh and talk and spend really good quality time with each other. 
  • I have been taking Vitamin B6 to calm my PMS moodiness. So far I haven’t had any flair ups. 
  • I’ve kept drama out of the relationship. I haven’t cried in front of him (Oh dear God, I haven’t felt this way in so long and I have such intense feelings for you and...) None of that crap. It’s not that I’m cold or unemotional. It’s just that I am no longer a bag of unruly emotions! Wheph. 
  • I do NOTHING to save him. No saving. As much as I want to save in some circumstances, I stop myself dead in my tracks. He’s a grown man, I say…He’s a corporate lawyer for god’s sake. He can take care of himself!!!!!! 
  • We have not combined our lives in any way. No involving kids yet. No telling too many people we’re dating etc. We’re using the pregnant for 3 months rule before we tell people. 
  • Lastly, I still make time for ME. I still meditate, I still spend time with my kids. I still write. I turn him down on occasion. I need time by myself to recover, to heal, to stay focused etc. 

So… despite the newness I can say that things look positive and healthy. No extreme highs and lows. No massive, upsetting doubts. My only doubt would be not that he’s boring (as I initially thought) but rather, that he’s too into doing lots of stuff and going out all the time. I’m a very delicate, flimsy person. If I go out and party, it takes me a MONTH to recover. I’ve actually been sick for two days because we spent the entire weekend together and I only got 5 hours of sleep each night. Went to a party until midnight on Saturday and have been eating greasy food. I’m too old for all that!!! But luckily, he seems patient and understanding with me. 

Who knows what will happen in another month or two. I thought I was on track with S, this time last year. And I guess I would might still be together if he didn’t decide to go back to smoking pot. Actually, come to think of it, despite S and I not working out, I was on the right track…I just haven’t been able to see it until now. We so often think that being “healed” or “recovered” is synonymous with winning a good guy and/or having a stable relationship. It’s not. Sometimes, a true sign of recovery is getting out of a relationship and staying out and being happy anyway….

T

Making fun of love addiction

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Since feeling better and being happy almost non-stop (though this could be part of the disease, who friggin’ knows!) I have come to laugh at funny little things that I might not have thought funny when I was in the depths of despair. Only for the strong at heart, here is one such example…

Jewelry

More about D

Posted on by l0velyjune
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It’s been exactly a month since my initial post about D, and I feel as though I owe it to this blog to add this new relationship to the unfolding story of my life. Is this love addiction or isn’t it? I don’t know. But it’s all a part of the process of being me, so I’ll dish. Since my last post about him I have to say a lot has definitely transpired. For starters, we got closer. 

We waited about 7 weeks before actually having sex, and when we did it was wonderful, close, loving and tender. The emotional build up was really exciting (sex tip: everyone should wait as long as possible. It’s so worth it). During the time before sex we went out to dinner several times, talked incessantly and drew closer to each other. After sex, it seems we’ve gotten even closer, more intense, more comfortable and  deeper. We go out more, we laugh more, we seem to be building this thing between us that is growing larger than we are, and it’s amazingly good. We have maintained a relationship of writing to each other every day via e-mail, we see each other every weekend and meet for lunch sometimes during the week. He’s taken me out to some really wonderful places, paid for everything, bought me a book on the Pine Barrens, made me CDs of some of the best music ever and on and on…He’s definitely a giver. In fact, last week, in congratulations of my getting accepted to the MFA program in Creative Writing, he bought me a beautiful silver ring with a seafoam green stone in it and a card that said, “My favorite place in all the world is next to you.”

Dreamy, indeed.

But here’s the best part:

As I am a “recovering” love addict, I am obsessively trying to keep things in check and AVOID drama at all costs. What that means is this:

  • I don’t try to see him at any cost. I pretty much let the natural flow of events happen. We can’t see each other as much as I would like, but I am grateful for the time in between for “me” time- and I also like how laid back I am about not seeing him all the time. It seems to make the quality time when we do see each other so much nicer. 
  • I avoid telling him too many negative things about my past. I am trying to be healthier. It’s not that I am lying to him. If he asks I tell him. But there’s no need to bring unnecessary drama into the relationship by telling him of things I have overcome. 
  • I don’t delve too deeply. I am a very analytical person, however, I’ve rather been in the mood to keep things light instead of so serious. 
  • I am not using the “L” word. Nor is he. We are instead flirting around with “I adore you,” You amaze me,” I am wow’ed by you,” and so on. I also keep telling myself that this is not Love. It’s too soon to be love. Whatever it is, or whatever it’s called is very, very nice. But it’s not Love. 
  • I am trying to be patient. If he doesn’t e-mail me right away, I’m OK with that. I’m OK with that because I trust that he really, really, really likes me. 
  • I am not putting this relationship up to any standards. Whatever happens, I allow it to. 
  • I don’t call or contact him first. I let him make more of the effort and he actually likes it better that way, I think. Besides, it takes a lot of weight off me. 
  • I always put my children first. They’ve only met him once but other than that, I have not brought him into my world and if I have a priority to them, I have to cancel plans with D. Same with my family. We are waiting before we tell everyone. 
  • Despite this feeling new and good and despite there being a lot of passion, I am not allowing myself to get overly obsessive. I try to keep other stuff like work and family in the forefront of my mind. 
  • I still go to the gym. I still maintain my normal routine. I still meditate. When I need to refocus on me I have a song that brings me right back to ME. It’s wonderful how that can happen. 
  • I am not on an extreme HIGH. I really like D. There’s passion. But I am grounded. 
  • Lastly, I don’t over-analyze any of his behavior (because he doesn’t do anything that would trigger me to be suspicious, i.e. lie, drink, do sneaky stuff).  If I do find myself doubting something or feeling uncomfortable (rare, but it happens), I allow it to pass through me without drawing too much attention to it. I give him the benefit of the doubt and I let it pass, calmly. 

A HUGE part of the equation to being in recovery is that you tend to pick and choose better quality men. I believe I have done that. And yet, I am not being too sure or overconfident about anything. I am still cautious. I am still reserved. I’m not throwing myself into this emotionally or otherwise like I often tend to do. Also, because he likes me so much, I am not nervous or wondering where he is all the time. I have faith that he’s there and when he has the time, he’ll call or try to spend time with me. That’s not to say that I have given him all the control either. Ours is a mutual relationship. There’s a very nice give and take between us. 

I am keeping my eyes open for red flags. So far there are two which he’s admitted and hopefully you’ll laugh when you hear them:

  1. he loves watching sports on TV (during baseball season)
  2. he’s afraid he will bore me some day. 

Somehow I don’t see those as being red flags as much as normal issues that couples have to deal with.

Anyway…so that’s where I am for today. I hope it grows. I hope it gets better. I hope I can set an example for others who have suffered with love addiction and let people know that it is possible to someday be “normal” and “healthy.” In another 6 months I will have a much better grasp on this relationship. I can give you a better picture. Until then, wish me the best!

Responsibility to each other

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I was spurred on by another member’s post the other day on the LAA site to write this. She was talking about her PoA, what he was doing and how she reacted to it: and then he did this and this is how I felt, and then he did that and this is how I felt. A few members responded back, helping her to analyze HIS behavior, and then continued on talking about their PoAs and their PoAs actions. People! We are all supposed to be in recovery. It’s about YOU. We are not here to analyze our PoAs. We are not here to figure out why they do what they do. The bottom line is that you picked a substandard individual at a time in your life when you believed you could do no better. That time is over. Use this time of your life to let go. To focus on you.

Part of this disease is to trick us into believing that if we figure out these PoAs we are recovered. We think if we maintain NC we are recovered (despite still obsessing over them). This is not true. The thing we ALL must remember is this: the amount of time you WASTE on thinking about and trying to figure out your PoA is time wasted on you. You will never know yourself in those moments if you spend your time fantasizing about someone or something else. And believe me, that’s the WHOLE POINT of LOVE ADDICTION. The more you focus on someone outside yourself, the more you AVOID yourself. You are obsessed with your PoA, because facing yourself alone is possibly the scariest thing ever.

Here’s a little test to see how addicted you are. I took this very same test a year ago and ended up crying hysterically in sadness because of the result. Try to spend ONE WHOLE DAY fighting all your obsessive thoughts about your PoA. Try to think of other stuff. DOn’t watch TV or read. Just do what you do normally and see what thoughts you think. Anything will do…try to think about politics or the environment or your friends…let your mind be FREE to finally think of other stuff instead of the PoA. Then come back here and let me know what you thought. When I did this experiment the first time, I had NOTHING to THINK ABOUT. I was as dull and brain-dead as rock. That’s sad. Very sad. And I suspect that most of the people here who are at the very beginning of their recovery will discover the same.

When we focus on others obsessively (especially ones that treat us badly) we deny ourselves a source of sustenance needed to be in the world. YES! In the very beginning of a break up you have a right to question and seek answers and wonder about the PoA. But give yourself a limit. Say, three months. After that, tell yourself it’s time to move on. It’s time to put the PoA to bed (not literally of course) and start the process of REAL recovery.

All that said, every one of us has a responsibility to the others suffering with love addiction to not allow each other to continue fantasizing and going on and on about PoAs. We have a responsibility to help each other out. To bring each other back into FOCUS. To say, hey! I get that you want to talk about him, but what purpose is it serving?