I went to therapy today (first time in a long while) and thank God I felt comfortable with this woman. She made lots of sense. I told her my history and that I am working the steps in LAA. I specifically told her about my ex, G, whom I loved the most and dated the longest out of everyone. I also added that he had intimacy issues & that we hardly EVER had sex. Her reply stunned me. I thought I’d share:
“I think in your case, based on your relationship with your father and your fear of abandonment, you loved G so much BECAUSE you never had sex. That you, in fact, are the one that fears intimacy and romance and love.”
I said, “how is that possible???? If I am “addicted to love” doesn’t that mean I love LOVE.”
“Absolutely not,” she said. “Being a love addict has little or nothing to do with actual love. It stems from a need to not be abandoned.”
I was quite shocked. Here I am all this time, trying to coax G into a physical relationship and pressuring him to change his ways and yet, I am the one who fears intimacy!
It makes sense, really. Because I tend to run real fast away from relationships that are overly sexual.
So…obviously i have a LONG way to go.
I A) How are you powerless?
I am 39 yrs old and have STILL not figured out a way on my own to deal with this problems of mine. That being said, I am here to admit my powerlessness, let go and let God…
B) In step 1 what does “we” mean to you? “We” is an collective term for those willing to admit defeat and powerlessness over their addiction(s).
C) How has your life become unmanageable?
I have given up goals, given up direction, given up dreams & plans all for the “hope” of a new man.
I have wasted HOURS, DAYS, WEEKS and YEARS on thinking of nothing but my relationship to whomever.
I have let men control me.
I have spent EXORBITANT amounts of money on men because I either felt sorry for them, wanted to impress them, or secretly even wanted to buy their love.
I have spent EXORBITANT amounts of money on men just to visit them in foreign countries or call them on the phone & chat for hours.
I have embarrassed myself
I have accepted the unacceptable
I have abandoned my VALUES for a man.
I have one or twice put my children at risk of emotional hurt or damage.
I have, on occasion, isolated myself from my family because of a man.
I have lowered my standards for a man
I have done things I would not normally do, just for a man.
I have ignored my children
& I have ignored my opportunity for true growth.