Dating Daddy?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Little girls love their dads. And if they’re lucky, their dad’s love them right back in a healthy, safe, abundant way. And so, when girls grow up and go out into the world of dating, they look for that man. It’s the only man they know, really. For a very long time. And whether he be the perfect guy or not, compatibility-wise, it doesn’t matter. That’s the guy every girl wants. Eventually, if a father and daughter have a healthy relationship, the daughter will feel safe enough to realize that her dad’s not going anywhere, he’ll always be there for her, and so, she is free to find someone that suits her personality and type a little better, without the guilt of feeling like she’s abandoning her dad. And so, she stops looking for her father in everyone she dates and that gives her the freedom to find a heathy partner.

That, to me, is the ideal if you had a healthy dad. But what if you didn’t?

What if, like me, you had a father who was neglectful, avoidant and also addicted to drugs and alcohol. Who was a narcissist. A gambler. And a sex addict. A man who was more into making money and becoming rich than having an adult relationship with his children.

Well, you love that man too! How could you not. He is the first, the only man you know. And so when you grow up, you go out into the world and look for that type of man. BUT, what if you had a mother who warned you incessantly not to find a man who was an alcoholic? You’re getting two messages and you are open to choosing which one is right for you. So, without feeling like you are betraying your dad, you go out and find men just like him, but who don’t drink. Problem solved, right?

Wrong.

Because now comes the point where a healthy person would say, “I love my dad, but in spite of that, his personality doesn’t mesh with mine, and so, I need to let him go because he’ll always be there for me, and this will allow me the freedom to find someone who is more compatible for me. But YOU can’t say it. Because you know that if you abandon your dad, he will not come back. You know if you find another “type” of guy, your dad will disappear forever and that scares the crap out of you. So…whether your dad’s type is good for you or not, you try to find him in every man you meet.

I did this myself for years, without realizing it. Almost every guy I ever dated was avoidant or addicted or just plain weird. And when they weren’t, they scared me to death and I ran.  And despite the fact that they never looked like my dad or drank (I thought I was so clever) they were indeed treating me the same way he did.

Eventually, when I started to do a lot of soul searching and recovery from love addiction,  I realized something: as children we have no choice in what parents we get. We get what we get. And whether that person be a loving father or an avoidant, mean, abusive or neglectful father…we STILL LOVE HIM, unconditionally. Until, of course, we get older. Then we get angry and withdrawal etc. But the child in us simply LOVES people no matter who they are, and as adults, if we do not grow up with loving parents, we learn that it’s OK to love avoidant, neglectful, drug addicted people because, heck, we’ve been doing it all our lives. That it feels frustrating to us, is just part of the equation!

But, it doesn’t have to be!

We need to realize that it’s OK to let dad go. And that he will still be there, just not as we would like. He will still be the neglectful, avoidant dad you always had, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Except this: find someone who isn’t like him. To begin to make this change, it has to come from your brain and the way you think. You have to start to believe that it’s NOT OK to accept avoidant, neglectful people in your life. It means that YOU yourself must be committed to higher expectations (even though that’s scary). And it also means that, while a child cannot choose her parent, an adult CAN CHOOSE what mate he or she has. Being with neglectful people doesn’t feel good! It doesn’t make you happy! You didn’t like to experience when it came from your parents, so why drag that yucky feeling into your adulthood?! Why on earth would we CHOOSE the same kind of character as an avoidant parent if it didn’t work for us as kids? That sort of frustration and loneliness does NOT go with the territory of love. It may have been what you learned, but I am telling you, you had bad teachers.

Here’s something else. The child in you inherently believed it was OK to love your parents unconditionally, no matter what they did to you. A child loves unconditionally for survival. And because she doesn’t know any better. But as adults, we cannot love this way or we’d always be in grave danger. For example, most of us have the condition that we will not date anyone who has murdered someone else. That would be preposterous, right? And yet, we tend not to think of it as a condition of a relationship, but it is. Just an extreme one. What about the condition that you will not continue to date someone that hits you, or cheats on you or is married? Not as extreme as murder, but now we’re getting into an area where more people would overlook that condition, while others wouldn’t. How about the condition that you will not continue to date someone who ignores you? Ouch. Most of us lack this condition. It is here where we say to ourselves, “I need to love him unconditionally.” This belief in “unconditional love” is 100% FALSE. We all have conditions, some of us just don’t have enough!

We must set conditions (I also call them values, or expectations) for everyone we meet. You have them already and probably don’t know about them because you never gave it much thought. But the truth is we learned from our parents how to set our conditions, our values and our expectations of others. And if your parents were neglectful, abusive, unloving, you learned to accept those conditions. Well, guess what, if you want to get healthier, it’s time to add a few more conditions. For more on this read More on Values, and Unconditional Love.

Lastly, I am glad that you realize that you’re own sense of availability is at play here. When you grow up with an unavailable parent, there’s little to no expectations put on you for intimacy. You didn’t learn it and others certainly didn’t expect it from you. If that’s the case, all the meditation and mindfulness in the world won’t help. You need to, instead, take an inventory of your friends and start to see what kind of friendships you have. Are they longterm? Solid? Loving? Intense? Short-term? Happy? Fraught with difficult? Are they intimate???? However your friendship are, that is a window into how your romantic relationships might be. If you’re not happy with the state of your friendships, it’s time to work on them. If you are happy with your friendship, it’s time to put your romantic expectations on the same level.

Lastly (really lastly this time), when we are addicted, when we are obsessed, when we ruminate, it’s not so much as a way to “cope” with our relationship as it is a way to avoid ourselves, avoid our fear, avoid growing up. All that drama and obsession and hyper-focus on the relationship or the person, does what? Does it bring you any closer? No. What it DOES do is DISTRACT you from your crummy, lonely, sad, unfulfilling life. And that is what this is all about. The void you think you feel and how to fill it.

Are you diving into a shallow pool?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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When we want something bad enough, and we’re in a hurry to achieve it, get it, feel it, secure it, we sometimes put blinders on, and dive in. Our desire for immediate gratification can be all encompassing depending how hungry we are.  And with Valentine’s day tomorrow, this could mean rushing out to find “the one” within the next 24-hours. Loneliness, in fact, is one of the major motivators for risky behaviors. But, sadly, it never pays to dive into something quickly and blindly.

Here’s a rather ugly metaphor for what I’m talking about:

You are told by a stranger that there’s a pool at someone’s house in town. You LOVE, love, love swimming and you haven’t swum in years, so, without missing a beat, or asking any questions except “where’s the pool?” you run home, get your bathing suit, your towel, your sun block, your goggles and head on over to the address. 

On the way over, you envision the water, the warm air, how wonderful the rush of the plunge will feel against your skin. You fantasize about how good it will all be–just the way you remember it. Maybe you’ll do laps. Maybe you’ll do the butterfly. Or the side stroke. Oh, the possibilities! It’s been so long!!!

You finally arrive at the door of the owner, knock, meet and say, “I’d love to use your swimming pool.” But before waiting for his answer, you waltz right passed him to his back yard. Without actually looking at the pool though, and sizing it up, you then proceed to put a pair of blinders on. You feel your way to the diving board, bounce a few times with exhilaration…and then….jump into a shallow, dirty pool of water and not only break two arms and a leg, but your nose as well. 

How could this have happened, you think? How could I have dove into this filthy shallow water when I “envisioned” the water so perfectly?

This, of course, is a rather far flung story, and yet, the love addict does this every time he or she gets involved in a relationship. We fall helplessly in love–some of us within hours–only to later realize that the object of our affection was a shallow pool and now that are blinders are off, we are broken.

When we are willing to put blinders on and turn our lives and our safety over to someone we do not know well enough, it’s because the “fantasy” for a perfect love far outweighs the importance of what is real. And what is real might be too ugly or scary for us. So…we close our eyes, we throw caution to the wind and we dive in. Chances are when we do that, there will be enough water in the pool to catch us. But when we are blind, how can we be sure? We can’t, because there’s no guarantee UNLESS we make such a big decision with our eyes wide open, fully aware.

My advice:

  • Take your blinders off. When you refuse to LOOK at things as they are, you run the risk of diving into a shallow or empty pool!
  • Stop the “fantasy” in your head telling you that that guy you just met online is your soul mate. He’s not. At least you have no way of knowing that until you spend months, YEARS getting to know him first.
  • Be open to seeing, acknowledging and, if necessary, taking action toward avoid people with red flags (don’t just avoid the flag! Avoid the person waving the flag!!!)
  • Use common sense when dating. Would you dive into a pool blind-folded? No. Then why go home with someone on the first date? It’s the same thing. Why allow your emotions to lead you to the sensation of “falling in love” when you just met someone? That’s not realistic. You may feel a chemical “attraction” to someone immediately, but don’t confuse that with LOVE. It’s NOT!
  • Ask the right questions. Don’t just ask “where’s the address of the pool” ask if the pool actually has WATER. In other words, when you are dating, don’t just focus on a person’s good looks, or pick up lines. A relationship takes a long time to form and while I don’t suggest interviewing anyone on a first date about all the skeletons in their closet, it might be a good idea to think of dating someone as taking a college class. Educate yourself about this person through a series of dates. Don’t be afraid to hear info like, “I’m already dating someone.” WHen you Value yourself and love yourself, chances are you will want to protect yourself from getting hurt. Learn as much about the people who enter into your life as you can. The more you know, the better you will be able to make decisions about  keeping them in your life or letting them go.
  • Never trust your fantasy. In your mind Jack the Ripper or Charles Manson could be turned into the perfect mate if you’re creative enough (and trust me, love addicts are!). When you open yourself to reality and what is right in front of you, you can SEE the truth, and while it might not be what you want it to be, it is real and will allow you to make healthy decisions.

Donut or apple? How will you choose?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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There is a truth that you will need to accept, grasp, understand, make peace with and use as tool to move you forward, if you want to recover. That truth is this: We love and allow hurtful people into our lives because the hope and need of being loved far outweighs the need for taking care of ourselves. Why is that so? Well, chances are we learned that our parents didn’t take very good care of themselves, so why should we? We also learned that impulsivity feels better immediately. So, why wait?

It’s like choosing a donut over an apple. We make that choice by virtue of what our parents taught us. We make that choice based on our own internal perception of who we think we are. Are we a person who’s little voice inside their head says: Who cares about me or my health?! Let’s have fun and party now! I just want the immediate gratification of that donut!!!! Or does that voice inside our head say, My body is a temple. I really don’t want to pollute it. I’ll have a donut every once in a while, but I prefer to be good to my body and so, I choose the apple. When we choose the donut day, after day, three to five times a day, what happens? We become overweight, unhealthy; we may even become stricken with a preventable disease like diabetes. When we choose the apple, we live a longer, healthier life and we live with the pride in knowing we took care of our health. It’s the same with love addiction, only, we’re choosing the donut.

So, how do you go from a diet of donuts, cookies, fast food and junk–stuff that might taste really good, but doesn’t do a darn thing for us–to one of fruits,veggies, nuts and seeds that can literally transform our entire being???

The answer is both simple and complex.

When you want to make a change of any kind, you need to change the way you BELIEVE in something. In order to give up the junk food, you have to train your brain to believe that fake, orange cheese in a can is NOT FOOD, and while it may taste good to you now, it is a trick. When you’re a love addict you need to train your brain to believe that the PoA is NOT FOOD FOR YOUR SOUL. He might feel good for a minute or two, but it’s a trick. He will do the same amount of damage as the can of cheeze wiz.

When you recover and want to date people who are good and healthy for you, you must learn to give up the need for immediate gratification for love and protection from someone else. When you do that, and you take your time searching for someone healthier and the priority changes from expecting love from an outside source to protecting yourself and enjoying your life as it is now, only then will you start to allow healthier people into your life. This takes longer, it’s harder to do, and it’s not instant (even if you have chemistry!) It takes putting down that deliciously tempting donut and having an apple instead.

Getting to that point is hard too. Some people see no value in deferred gratification. They see no value in the apple. But sometimes what it takes is detoxing from all the sugar and sweets you’ve been eating so you can finally see clearly! What I mean by that is this: when we are getting a hit of the PoA (person of addiction), we only know the value of that immediate pleasure that comes after days, weeks or months of pain and agony from abuse, neglect or suffering. And so we get brainwashed or trained into recognizing that our pain is temporary because there will be a hit of pleasure, no matter how small, at some point, if we just hang on. To get out of that cycle and retrain your brain to believe there is a different way to exist is very difficult. But there are two ways this can happen:

  • If you’re lucky, you could be struck with a life-altering experience that changes you. The complete rejection of an avoidant PoA, the death of a family member or friend, hitting bottom, seeing the light, and so on, are all examples of an outside force that propels us to change.
  • If you’re not so lucky, you have to follow the harder route: changing your belief system from within. That takes months and possibly years of reading about recovery, reading about your addiction, learning new ways to live, to think and to be. It takes finding a better model of love and copying that. It takes giving up your old, unhealthy ways by learning to replace them with healthier ways. It takes many months of being alone, of trying to figure it out, of making sacrifices.

Eventually what happens is you start to see more value in the apple than the donut. You start to see more value in healthy people than you do in the “bad boy.”

When I was younger, I ate french toast and pancakes for breakfast. I ate donuts like there was no tomorrow. McDonald’s was on my list of places to eat at least three times a week! And since I never got fat or felt any negative reaction from all the junk I ate, what did I care? Only when I got older and wiser did I start to see the damage I was doing. Only when I got wiser and love myself more did I realize that much of what I was doing was having a dangerous affect on the parts of me that could not be seen. The same wisdom came to me regarding my love addiction as well. I finally realized the truth! We love and allow hurtful people (and things) into our lives because the hope and need of being loved and having immediate gratification far outweighs the need for taking care of ourselves over the long haul. This idea must change if we are to change.

So…start to see the value and the power in that little apple. Choose substance over taste. Your life depends on it.

Where is she now, in 2013?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Me, a couple days ago, standing on our lake.

Me, a couple days ago, standing on our lake.

One of the things that I don’t always write about on my blog or on the forums is where I stand now in recovery, in my life and with my relationships. I think we (me included) tend to think a person who recovered X amount of years ago is all better. They’re done.  ”Nothin’ more to see here, folks.” And while I personally believe that’s partly true, it’s not entirely true. It’s always good to do an inventory to see if you’ve reached goals. And to remind yourself of what recovery is, so that you stick to it!

I liken the experience of recovery to growing up, and becoming an adult. Because let’s face it, that is, essentially, what recovery is. When you are not recovered and you are in the throes of your addiction, you’re acting out, avoiding life and responsibility as a child would, and ultimately refusing to grow up. When you recover, you pass through the stages of psychological development and hopefully reach your potential, whatever that may be. SO, while you are not growing at such a rapid rate anymore, as an adult (as a recovered person), you are still making choices about your life, you are still choosing roads and you are still deciding what kind of perspective you would like to hold on to at any given juncture in your life. A successful recovery, therefore, means that you find your identity, you learn how to be intimate, you begin to contribute to the world and you feel a sense of accomplishment in your life.

But here’s the tricky part…

Can even the healthiest among us know the entirety of their  identities when an identity is a constantly evolving human experience?

And can anyone really experience intimacy to the fullest, once and for all, despite the fact that people change all the time, and close up and bottle up and the open up again?

And must we reach a definitive point in our lives where we only contribute to the world, and no longer have occasional bouts of weakness where we must once again be the takers?

And despite feeling a sense of accomplishment for certain achievements, is it possible (or necessary) to feel a sense of accomplishment for every darn thing?

I guess what I am saying, is that while advanced recovery teaches you to not make critical mistakes anymore and gives you the tools to live an overall healthier life, you still face the human experience, you still must evolve and make decisions, you still must take risks and make mistakes, and you still must deal with other people who push your buttons, who challenge you, and who create in you a sense of wonder. So, while I no longer deal with the concept of PoAs or addiction, or doing horribly regretful things, I do deal with procrastination, avoidance of work, challenges within my own personality conflicting with others, challenges with my expectations of others (namely people I work with or family members) and from time to time frustration, boredom, anger, blame, and (my most recent) lack of interest in my job–after working to the point of near exhaustion from June to end of December, I collapsed and have been sick nearly the whole month of January. I want nothing to do with work and I am instead more interested in doing laundry and dishes!

Here’s more. Personally, I think I will always deal with my lack of ambition. I probably could have been far more successful than I am, but I never had any ambition, nor did I have a focus. I think I will always deal with my own version of ADHD in that, I can get bored with the direction I am heading in and change. And because of that change, I end up starting all over again. At the beginning.

Lastly, I wish I were better at spending less money.

So, at the moment, work and money is not working for me. That is where I am struggling. Should I continue with this particular volunteer work, or should I let it go? And if I do let it go, what will be the consequences?

On the flip side, my relationship with D has been wonderful. Aside from the past month where we were both sick and miserable with the flu, and a bit short with each other, our overall relationship is right where I’d hope it’d be after 4 years. My feelings for him still grow. He still amazes me with his kindness, love and respect. ANd I still have deep emotions for him, backed by the fact that he never hurts me. When you find someone who you love and trust and who shares your same values,  AND they never hurt you, the relationship becomes such a healing one! Are we lovey-dovey and shmoopy every day? Hell, no. He makes too much noise at night when I am trying to sleep. He’s oversensitive about my tone of voice (I’m Italian! I’m a little louder than the average girl!) He more often than not feeds his kids junk food. But these are issues I can handle! We are planning our wedding for August 24th, 2013.

My relationship with my kids is also strong. I am growing prouder and prouder of their accomplishments and the men they are growing into (well, they are still boys!). I spend lots of time with them and they mean the world to me. Do they act out and whine about cleaning up their rooms and doing chores? Yes! Every day. Do they get straight As; are they picture perfect students? No (well, the youngest one is!). Do I spoil them? Probably a little bit. But I am learning to let go and let them grow up in a healthy environment. I am creating a peaceful, loving world for them, and for that, I am proud.

My health and diet is going well. I decided to lose a few pounds back in October, and I accomplished my goal. Now to maintain! I am eating extremely healthy too, which makes me feel better and more important, regulates my mood so that I am happier, calmer, less moody. I’m telling you folks, try to cut back as much as you can on sugar, caffeine, drugs and alcoholic. When you do, you can clearly see what a large role those chemicals play in affecting your mood!

My relationship with my mother is wonderful. It usually always is, but now, she is newly retired and lives close, so we have been spending extra time together.

My house is a wonderful place to be. We’re under construction and that’s hugely exciting!

SO, that’s where I am now. How about you? Take a look at where you were five years ago. Are you where you thought you’d be? Are you where you want to be? What goals can you set you achieve those outcomes?

Perception

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I’ve been thinking a lot about perception lately, and so I decided to create this image to show how our vision can sometimes be skewed. We desperately want to believe in our fantasy of a perfect relationship, so much so that we are willing (willing!) to distort our view and overlook some pretty major flaws. And while this image is a little extreme and based on physical looks alone, the bigger picture is, as love addicts, we sometimes refuse to see serious, internal red flags like abuse, neglect, infidelity, manipulation, narcissism and worse. So…my advice for the day? Be honest with yourself. Keep your eyes wide open and don’t be afraid to see things as they are, not as you wish them to be. Remember, when you love yourself, you do everything in your power to protect yourself. And most of the time that means staying grounded in reality.

distortion

Children of alcoholics

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Originally published January, 21 2009

I’ve been talking to someone new. We are clicking mentally, that’s for sure. But there’s a flag waving in the distance and I cannot tell if it’s red or white. We’ve discussed his alcohol consumption, which comes up from time to time in that he tends to talk about it more than usual sometimes. I told him I thought he drank too much and he quickly defended himself and said that he enjoyed a good scotch here and there, but otherwise, all his talk is just that- talk. And yet, I don’t believe him. At least not yet. He could be telling the truth, or he could be doing exactly what my ex did- saying virtually anything to keep me in his life.

Keep in mind that I am hugely sensitive to alcohol consumption as my father was an alcoholic who died basically drinking himself to death. I mean, there are people whose drinking does not bother me in the least- others, not so. But I’m  hard-wired to detect it. I can sense the slightest nuance or change in behavior when someone is drinking (or doing drugs for that matter). I can even tell when you are about to drink or smoke or that you had something within the last three days. This is both a blessing and a curse. It makes me at once super-humanly perceptive and horribly annoying-but annoying only if you’re the kind of person that’d like to drink in peace and not be told “I think you’ve had too much.” It’s definitely part of my father’s legacy-  and something in me which is probably here to stay.

My last two bfs started off this same way. They were both cured of the desire to smoke weed when I met them. They were done with it. And I believed them. But, things changed and as is so often the case, they both went back to it.

But the issue is this: when you are raised by at least one alcoholic and you go through all the ups and downs with that parent and watch him struggle through interventions and AA and rehab centers, you always BELIEVE, number one, that once he goes through the 12-step program he will be cured. And number two, that you will never have to deal with it again. Poof! Problem solved.

When you grow up, you carry that same belief with you. You are  time and time again, willing to accept an alcoholic or drug addict in your life because you’re convinced that they will change, recover, be cured.

Sadly, this is false. But no one ever teaches you this. Instead, programs like Al-anon and Al-ateen teach and  instill hope in the program, convincing you that it works. This isn’t to say that 100% recovery isn’t possible or that it doesn’t happen. But the disease and/or the recovery that ensues is no easy road. Ever.

I have to come to terms with this as a grown woman. And believe me, that in itself is not easy. Think how people must have felt when they learned the earth was round! It’s a shock to the system. I too am just learning  that I must look at things as they are, not as I wish them to be.  And most importantly, I must know when to stay away from the fire even if it’s just smoke.

Update 1/20/2013: I absolutely love looking back and re-reading some of these old blog entries when I had first met D. I was so mistrusting, and I am very proud of being that way. When you live your entire life in abusive relationships, it takes months, even years to start trusting people again, and only then, do those people have to be FULLY worthy of your trust. I remember Susan Peabody telling me once, “You can heal and you can trust again within a relationship, but only if your partner NEVER lies, or NEVER does anything to lose your trust.” I thought, Are you kidding me?  That is an impossible standard for any man. All men lie, I thought. I will most likely never heal. But I was wrong. I have been with D for 4 years now and he has NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER broken my trust or lied, and when he said he really doesn’t have a drinking problem, and that it was “all talk,” he was right. But it took many months, even years to believe him. Not only did he never lie, he allowed me to be suspicious. Not overly suspicious, of course. But he was patient with me, and  understood that for me to fall in love with him, he would have to prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he was worthy of me. Because he believed I was worth that kind of effort. Anyway, if I had known then what I know now I may have been far more trusting. And yet…I pride myself on being so cautious. No one knows a person’s character in the first few months of dating. It takes years to know someone. Be patient and keep mistrusting! And  look at things as they are, not as you wish them to be.

Has your PoA turned into your own form of cancer?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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The PoA still on your brain? Can’t shake him? Of course he is still there. And he will be until you do what you fear most…kill the thoughts and let go.

Think of it like this: we carry our addictions around in our heads and our hearts so frequently, it gets to the point where our whole body adapts to those thoughts and we essentially grow a new limb, or more appropriately, a tumor. The PoA becomes part of us–a physical manifestation of who we are, an ugly, outward growth that wreaks havoc on our lives and our health.

So…..any hope of changing at this point means drastic measures. It means surgery. It means severing the limb. It means slicing off the growth. That’s a hard thing to do, because guess what, at this point, it’s not like popping a pimple. Whatever measure you take to remove this thing, it’s going to HURT. It’s going to be MAJOR. Cancer doesn’t spread overnight, folks.

So, you have to ask yourself….is the growth that has formed on your body and soul jeopardizing your health? Your inner and outer beauty? Is it endangering your very existence? If it is, then the risk of REMOVING the GROWTH is worth the potential pain, if it means saving your life.

Recognize the PoA (or any type of addiction) for what it is. Cancer! And then, take the appropriate action to fight it and get healthy.

Living a tragic life?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Theatrical masks of Tragedy and Comedy. Mosaic...

Theatrical masks of Tragedy and Comedy. Mosaic, Roman artwork, 2nd century CE. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Up until about a couple years ago, shamefully late in life, I realized that life does not need to be tragic. Some lives can be lived without event, without drama, without a tragic twist to an otherwise peaceful, good life. There are people that are born, grow up, meet someone, marry, and die at 87 without the slightest bit of disaster. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying there are people who never experience pain, or loss, or suffering. We all experience that to different degrees. What I am talking about is the love addict’s natural inclination to believe that life, and love in particular, is “tragic.”

Our belief in tragedy (drama, omens, symbols) comes from the way we were raised, the movies we watched or the books we read. And since most love addicts are prone to fantasy, it’s no surprise that they begin to believe that tragedy is a natural part of life. When every dramatic movie has a tragic element, it’s hard not to start to think that real life must be the same. And yet, it’s not.

Being a literature major, didn’t help. After having read things like Wuthering Heights, Romeo and Juliet, Tropic of Cancer, The Sheltering Sky, Madame Bovary, The Red and The Black, how could I want anything less than that same amount of passion for my own life? There was a bitter sweetness to the utter bliss of having found someone, and the agony of knowing I would lose them. In fact, at certain points in my life, I was proud that my life was so tragic. I was, after all, an artist. And an artist must live a tragic life.

The trouble is, when I recovered and wanted to live my life without all that drama (and art!), and find a stable, healthy relationship, I maintained an enormous sense of mistrust for the universe. I could never be completely “happy” or comfortable in my relationship because lurking around the corner, was tragedy disguised as a “perfect life.” It was only a matter of time before tragedy would strike and my love would be struck down and taken from me or vice versa. Isn’t that the way the world works?

Again, a resounding No. Life can indeed be a tragedy. But, depending on your perspective, and circumstances, it can also be a story with no point. It can be simple. It can be complex, but manageable. It can be average–not like Hollywood at all. How do I know? I see it now that I look for it. My mother lived a very chaotic life when she was with my father, but in 1986, she met and eventually married the man she is with now. If I look at their life together it is a simple, happy one. Although she has overcome some huge hurtles (lost her brother, survived cancer) for the most part, her relationship with her husband has been steady, stable, loving, and strong. No extreme ups and downs. No craziness. No tragedy…for almost 30 years. That’s a long time to live a peaceful life with someone. And what I need to start to believe in.

So, the next time you’re sitting alone in your room, crying over the tragedy and drama of your life, remember, that’s Hollywood. That’s literature. It is the fiction that YOU are creating for yourself as part of your need to fill the void, to distract, to numb. To experience something bigger than you are. Life doesn’t have to be that way.

The WHOLE picture

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"Under the horse chestnut tree", 1 p...

“Under the horse chestnut tree”, 1 print : drypoint and aquatint, color ; (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sometimes we date people like our parents because we have no other model of who might be appropriate for us to date. When we don’t have an identity of our own, we tend to let others (like parents) dictate what is best for us. That’s not to say our parents, when we are adults, interfere or tell us who to date. It is to say that we, subconsciously, think we need to follow that same model of love that they set for us. When that is the case, we tend to only allow people into our lives who are familiar to us, never realizing we don’t have to “choose” people like our parents. We stick with what’s familiar, instead of questioning whether we might want and need something completely different.

And here’s the thing: if you have/had a good relationship with your parent(s), then, it’s all good. You can date someone who reminds you of your dad or mom and the relationship will most likely work out well. But if you had a bad relationship with a parent (despite loving him or her) you should not date them. That’s when we begin to confuse the big “L” (love) with “healthy relationship.” The two don’t always go hand in hand.

Case in point. I loved my father. I was entertained by many of the crazy things he did. But I inherently didn’t value the way he lived his life and he always made me feel uncomfortable and mistrusting. Yet, I always dated men based on the two things positive qualities I saw in my dad: love and entertainment. Well, guess what? That won’t get you very far. You need to like a little more than just a limited number of qualities. And “love” should not start off being one of them. That comes later.

And yet, we tend to see the “purpose” of people as having two sides instead of seeing the WHOLE picture. WHat I mean is this: your PoA has all these great qualities and you love him, but he’s a narcissist, a manipulator, and doesn’t pay you the attention you want. You’ve split your PoA in two. You stick around for the half good, but are in pain or suffering for the half bad. Essentially, you do what you did with your parents– you overlook the bad, so that you may love.

But that’s not how a healthy relationship is built. In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to think about and search for the whole picture!  You can’t cut people in half and say: I like these qualities and I will focus on them, and then I will ignore the other stuff. Nothing’s perfect, after all! Well, guess what. You don’t have to do that anymore! You had to do it with your parents, but you don’t have to do with the person you choose to be your partner.

We have no choice selecting our parents. We have to love them, despite their shortcomings. We have to find a way to adapt to them, accepting their negative qualities and love them at the same time. We do this as children to survive. But when we are adults, we DO NOT. HAVE TO DO THIS. We have a choice as to whom we select.

This brings me to the ultimate lie we tell ourselves in the game of love–that we will never find someone who FULLY satisfies us. There will always be issues, or problems. And while that is true, for the most part, there is a HUGE piece of that truth missing. You can, and must find someone with whom you share most of your same values. And you can and must find someone who does not cause you pain. That is not what love is about. ANd that is certainly not what a healthy relationship is about. There are degrees of discomfort and here are two examples:

-You love playing sports or working out at the gym, but you don’t particularly like a few of the exercises the instructor makes you do. The big picture is that you love the exercise class, and while you don’t like a couple of the exercises (who loves ab workouts!?), in the end, it’s a positive thing for you and your body and your peace of mind. Most of the class is worthwhile and so you can overlook the discomfort of what you don’t like because the class as a whole (and even those parts you don’t like) are in perfect alignment with your value system: to be healthy and fit.

Second scenario

-You love playing sports or working out at the gym, but the instructor is a total bitch. She belittles you, she reprimands you if you don’t do the exercises the right way and you don’t particularly like anyone else in the class. In fact, even though working out is good for you, you feel completely mentally and emotionally beaten down by your experience in the class. So, why do you stay? Well, you BELIEVE exercise is good for you and that you’re doing a good thing. But what you’re failing to see is the whole picture and the fact that you do NOT have to tolerate that kind of belittlement or pain just to reach your goal.

See the difference? I hope so!

Review of last night’s Huffpost Live Segment

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If last night’s segment on Huffpost live was any indication,  I am far more at ease (and happier) as a writer behind the screen, as opposed to on it. And yet, I would do it again if it meant that I had the opportunity to help someone realize the key most important points to love addiction:

  • That it’s NOT about love
  • That it’s an avoidance of the self
  • And that you CAN change and have a healthier life IF you not only have the will, but the right tools. 

Overall, I feel the segment failed to do anything but offer a bit of light entertainment.  Everyone had their own agenda. I would have liked to talk about the solution, not just the “disease.” The therapist, obviously, want to talk (and talk, and talk, and talk) about things like “comorbidity” and the science behind what he had learned in his textbooks. And the writer of the article, Kelly Bourdet, wanted to talk more about the culture of addiction, not so much the individual, personal plight of someone suffering with addiction. She pegged addiction as “an interesting topic” to write about. I grant her that. But hasn’t America talked enough about the culture of dis-ease? Isn’t it time to start offering solutions?

What Kelly did do was bring up the point of addiction as a lack of agency. I think if you buy into the 12-Step philosophy of “Powerlessness,” or if you buy into the science that addiction is a “disease of the brain” more so than just a harmless behavior, then you’re right. It leaves you free to say, “Oh well, this is just who I am. I can’t do anything about it.” But, you do yourself a huge disservice believing that. When it comes time to get healthier–when that very behavior really starts to wreak havoc on every aspect of your life–then what? Take drugs? Treat the symptoms? That’s so typical of American medicine and why there is an underlying belief that addiction cannot be cured.  

And while I agree that you may not be able to cure your nature, you absolutely can cure certain undesirable behaviors. You simply stop doing them. It’s hard as hell. It takes years. Oprah didn’t get where she is overnight. I didn’t get healthy overnight. You have to relearn healthier ways to live.  But it can be done. People are not powerless over addiction until they are taught to be. And that is definitely a cultural phenomenon–helplessness. 
 
Pernille, the director of Love Addict, also brought up the point that Pia Mellody believes it should not be called love addiction, but rather “fantasy addiction.” And yet, I still think that misses the mark. Love addiction may be more about fantasy than love (I don’t know one love addict that is even close to doing any real loving). But if you dig down and unearth the bigger issue of why a person chooses fantasy (or anything else for that matter) as a repetitive, obsessive behavior that distracts them to the point of  their  life falling apart, then you have to be open to the idea that it may be more an issue of  Self Avoidance as opposed to anything else. When you are so focused on chasing after love, and this action is causing pain, suffering and more chasing and more obsessing, what happens? You disappear. You are neglected.
But why? Why would you neglect and avoid yourself?
Because you’re afraid. Of what is your job to figure out.

Comment if you have a different POV. But that’s what I believe should have been discussed in those 20 minutes.

http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/5074b92c78c90a78ff00023e

The Lovely Addict on Huffington Post LIVE

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Hey Folks,

I will be on HuffPost LIVE  this Friday, October 19, at 6 pm PST with Pernille, the director of Love Addict, to talk about, what else, love addiction. I am a little NERVOUS. Thousands will be watching. My goal is to try to steer the producer of the segment to talk about the SOLUTION rather than to sensationalize the actual addiction.

Oooh, juicy love addiction.  Stalking, crimes of passion, crazy obsessed women chasing after some hapless chap.

Please.

One of the biggest impediments to getting healthier is this kind of mentality. American culture places down and dirty behavior on a pedestal, if only for the sake of perverse enjoyment, of being entertained by it. Think  Hoarders, Intervention, Snapped, Cold Case Files. Think any American movie. Think the nightly news. Think, dare I say it, The Huffington Post.

Confessional blogs, in fact, tend to get far more readership than recovery blogs.  And it’s much more mainstream to talk about disease, as opposed to treatment.

It’s no wonder the American propensity for labeling people with disease and disorder is so pervasive. And why we can take “slightly abnormal,” put a label on it, and have it suddenly be something that needs treatment, a drug, therapy.

The percentage of men and women love addicts who participate in more extreme behaviors like physical stalking, crimes of passion, attempted suicide is very low. What’s far more pervasive is the woman who remains in an abusive relationship because she can’t bear to leave. She’s addicted to the repeat pattern of drama, pain, suffering, and the highs and lows of love.  Or the woman who doesn’t recognizing neglect, verbal abuse or physical abuse as a reason to leave. Or the woman who thinks (foolishly) that love is a reason to stay, no matter what kind of unhealthy behavior is occurring. Or, the woman who becomes obsessed with fantasy in her own mind over the love she believes she feels for someone who doesn’t pay her any attention, or who just keeps her hanging on for sex, or doesn’t actually exist.

That obsession, of course, can bring a person to do irrational, inappropriate things, based on their personal value system. But more than committing actual crimes, most addicts tend to simply expend all their valuable time and resources focusing on their obsession to the point of not living their lives to the fullest. They check a person’s Facebook page repeatedly, call or text too much to check up on their “person of addiction,” scream, cry, throw a tantrum, feign pregnancy, date married or unavailable people, sink deeper into depression, dive deeper into fantasy, have an affair, try to fix a broken partner, threaten to leave, and so on.

Hopefully, you get my point. We’re not all Fatal Attraction woman chasing after our object of desire with a butcher’s knife.

I do implore any new readers of The Lovely Addict to read as many pages on my blog as you can. It’s not timely. Go back through older posts. Most entries are advice on how to become healthier. The most popular posts can be found on the right side bar under “Top Rated.” Start there. If you have any questions, feel free to post a comment or email me at thelovelyaddict@gmail.com

Who’s got the baddest addiction?

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Mary H is a sex addict. Her partner at work and longtime friend Glen B is an alcoholic. They’ve just met me– a recovered love addict. Glen goes to AA, but claims, because there are no other meetings in his hometown, that a meth addict, a cocaine addict and a gambling addict also attend.

He told me that no one takes the gambler, who sits quietly in a corner with his styrofoam cup and listens, seriously in these meetings.  There’s this underlying sense of We’re worse off than you’ll ever be, buddy.

And I suppose therein lies the brunt of Who’s Got the Worst Addiction mentality and why we classify to begin with.

Well, we classify addictions like any other social group– by interest. The sewing group in my town is a far cry from the gardening club, the choral singers and for that matter, the needlepoint ladies who meet in the church basement after service on Sundays. It’s natural to want to classify “what” you’re addicted to by interest. But that’s as far as it should go.

And yet it doesn’t.

At a screening for the new Love Addict documentary, an artumentary by Danish filmmaker PERNILLE ROSE GRØNKJÆR I overheard, “Alcohol and drug addiction do so much more damage than the lesser addictions. ”  An hour later, a guy says to me, “You really can’t compare apples to oranges. To compare heroin addiction to cigarette smoking or gambling is ridiculous.”

Is it?

The argument of “physical” substance addiction (heroin, alcohol) no longer seems to hold more weight than the “process” or behavioral addictions (sex, gambling, watching TV all day) simply because there’s a substance involved. We now know that our behaviors–repetitive, addictive ones– can cause chemical changes in our body akin to ingesting a substance that drives us to want more and take another hit. A recent piece on addiction in The New Statesman called, Addiction, The Key to All Mythologies states, “In a process addiction – to sex, for example – a person may well be addicted to the biochemicals she shoots up in the privacy of her own body.”

Nonetheless, I felt like a pariah, like I had no right attending a recovery festival. It was as if he was implying that love addiction is a joke compared to what most had been through in that room. And maybe he’s right. My “bottom” was mild compared to many . And yet, I can only speak for myself. Some love addicts jump off bridges, driven by obsessive jealousy for someone they are addicted to. How much “less” of an addiction is that?

Isn’t suffering relative? Haven’t we all been through the eye of the needle?

The Addictive Personality

My father was replete with every addiction imaginable. He was an alcoholic, a Rx drug addict, a sex addict, a gambling addict, a workaholic, a shopaholic (when he had money), and a chronic liar, which I believe should be classified as one among the many varieties of addictions simply because he could not stop doing it–even when he knew I knew he was lying.  Strangely,  he only identified with the alcoholism. In retrospect, that was the least of his problems. I say this because, when he was sober from alcohol, faithfully attending 12-Step fellowship, he was either popping so many pain-relievers or gambling all our money away that there was no clear delineation of better behavior after removing the substance. Tolerating his irresponsible, reckless behavior was a challenge to us all the same. At one point, he lost his mother’s house on one hand of poker. He made bad choices drunk or sober.

In the early 80′s there was a study done by lan R. Lang, a psychology professor at Florida State University. He determined that all addicts–from drug to alcohol to chronic TV watchers– had several “personality factors” in common:

- Impulsive behavior, difficulty in delaying gratification, an antisocial personality and a disposition toward sensation seeking.

- A high value on nonconformity combined with a weak commitment to the goals for achievement valued by the society.

- A sense of social alienation and a general tolerance for deviance.

- A sense of heightened stress. This may help explain why adolescence and other stressful transition periods are often associated with the most severe drug and alcohol problems.

With these in-common personality traits, we can begin to define the addictive personality. And yet, within the real world of recovery, there still exists an unspoken (and sometimes spoken) competition among addicts as to who has the baddest addiction, who caused the most pain to himself or others and who has suffered the most.

When I would go to my dad’s AA meetings back in the day, I remember the members within the group all struggling to outdo each each others’ stories. Stories of throwing broken beer bottles in an empty parking lot, were quickly topped by stories of someone throwing a beer bottle at someone’s head. People who told stories of cheating on spouses while under the influence always got a lot of reverence. But there were also those who told stories of beating up a friend, stealing money, abandoning children, driving into trees or others on the road, passing out at the Thanksgiving dinner table and robbing a bank (this latter feat was my father’s claim to fame, and the one which set him as the Alpha male of the group).

I remember too, as a teen, joining my mother in her 12-Step group: Al-anon. While my father, who seemed to be causing all the trouble, was over on his pulpit, dramatizing the pain he had induced within our family, getting lots of support and pats on the back (and even a few laughs at some of the “funny” antics he had caused), my mother was in her group, crying the entire time, along with everyone else. Her meetings had no sense of rivalry for who suffered the most. We all just suffered; we all just felt pain. It was collective hopelessness.

Picking and choosing between the two groups, I naturally gravitated toward my father’s group in AA. They were having more fun. And I loved the stories that played out like Hollywood movies. It was evident that these people were bad asses. And I loved it. And the more dramatic the story, the more evil the doing, the more pain inflicted on others and the more under the influence the person was, the higher their rank among their peers.

The Extreme Side of Addiction

But let’s get back to the gambler in the corner with his styrofoam cup, who’s also trying to tame the beast that is his pathology. Who’s to say his addiction is a “lesser” addiction when he has brought his entire family to live in a cozy cardboard box on the streets of Philadelphia? Sure, the alcoholic is pickling his liver, and the heroin addict is now schizophrenic and the crack addict is dead from an overdose. But the gambler has brought himself down to the grittiest, most impoverished facet of life–abject poverty–and he brought everyone in his family down with him.

Addiction is suicide, homicide or a combination of both. No matter what the addiction. And how’s this for bad ass:

  • Romeo and Juliet committed a double suicide for their obsessive love of each other.
  • In contemporary culture, a talented singer named Amy Winehouse killed herself with drugs because of her love addiction to then boyfriend Reg Traviss, who “dumped” her a year before.
  • Crimes of passion, “passion murder”  and suicide are all degrees of love addiction–albeit extreme ones.
  • AIDS, unwanted pregnancy, lifelong sexually transmitted diseases, prostitution, imprisonment, and death are all possible consequences of sex addiction.
  • Unemployment, bankruptcy, forced home sales and imprisonment can all be consequences of gambling or shopping addiction.
  • Diabetes, heart disease, amputation, invasive surgery, health issues, lack of mobility, morbid obesity can all be the end result of a food addiction.

I could go on. But I won’t. My point is this: the deeper rooted issue is not to what we are addicted, but rather, to not being able to manage our impulsivity, not having healthier values, our tolerance for deviance, and our sense of heightened stress. It’s not about the bottle, or the drugs or the lover or the money. It’s about our internal addictive personality and how to tackle the enemy within.

I can tell you that Psychology Today has a list of the seven hardest addictions to quit and love, cocaine, cigarette smoking and eating potato chips all made the list.

Here’s a quick story for you. Before I realized I was a love addict, I was a smoker. I smoked one to two packs of cigarettes a day (OK, I’ll give you that cigarette smoking is a lesser addiction, unless you’ve seen the graphic images of its ultimate consequence). Sick of being a hypocrite and trying to exercise while smoking, and simply because I knew it was bad for me, I was desperate to quit. I joined the online group quitnet.com and basically brainwashed myself for a few weeks, sitting in front of my computer screen, talking to other quitters who helped me learn not just how to stop smoking, but why I needed to. It was not, as I previously thought,  because smoking was bad for me. That would be too easy. That’s the argument that makes so many of us rationalize smoking. We can tell ourselves, “Well, it’s not like we’re smoking crack or something. Because that’s really bad.” No, instead, it was because I was too good for it. What a concept! That I was worth more than the junk I was putting into myself– no matter what it is, I am better than that. My body is a temple. And upon learning these core values,  I started to respect who I was and what I put into myself and what I allowed the world to do to me. But here’s the clincher. When I learned this lesson, I quickly applied it to every other addiction in my life, namely, my love addiction. And that’s when it all made sense.

It doesn’t matter what you’re addicted to. Once you recognize your own personal worth, you immediately stop identifying with the addiction of choice and start to see ALL obsessive, addictive behavior as toxic and irrational. Because now what you’re doing, is simply protecting the gift that is you, against any kind of harm.

Competition within the world of addicts or recovering addicts, for that matter therefore makes no evolutionary sense. Does it really make a huge difference in the big scheme of things how you kill yourself, whether slowly or quickly, whether by pills, slitting your wrist, drowning, gun shot to the head or jumping off a bridge? Dead is dead. Life is wasted all the same. And does it really matter, in the big scheme of the things, the degree to which you choose to wreck your life or the lives of others? Are we really basing what is ultimately our own level of stupidity or naiveté on the laws of gravity? That the harder something drops the higher up it bounces back?

When my father was 57 he walked into the ER with stomach issues. Six days later he was dead. The drama, emotion and intensity  of those last days were extreme. At the time, his death was a mystery. We scrambled, looking for clues as to how he could be here one day and the next, gone. We wondered if he was murdered, we looked into any enemies he had. We interrogated the doctors. Were they guilty of malpractice? Was it suicide? The questions haunted us.

In the end, there wasn’t much of a story. In fact, it was the unHollywood, unglamorous story that befalls some addicts. A year before, he had been diagnosed with a mild form of leukemia that, as the doc put it, “If you’re in good shape, you could live with this for 10 to 20 years…” My father wasn’t in good shape. In the last year of his life he was drinking more heavily than ever, popping Oxycotin like candy and even crushing it and swallowing it. His liver was so damaged from his drug and alcohol use, that when they went to treat him with chemo for the leukemia his liver was unable to flush out the poison and he went septic. Within days, every organ shut down and we were left with having to pull the proverbial plug.

For the longest time,  I couldn’t help but wonder if all that drama was part of his ego-driven need for attention. One last posthumous craving to be able to say, “I told you I was the baddest.” And he was. But it didn’t really matter much in the end.

Alannis Morrissette and love addiction

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You go girl! I am always deeply grateful when people (celebs included!) are so willing to talk about their humanness and not try to look perfect. And I am especially grateful when they tell the entire country on CNN that they’re a love addict. Good job in your recovery Alannis! Thanks for standing proud. And if you ever read The Lovely Addict blog, spread the word!

 

Alannis Morissette and Love Addiction

 

Dear Love Addiction

Posted on by l0velyjune
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On the forums, one of my favorite posters decided to write a letter to her addiction. I thought it was a good idea, and so I appropriated it. The above is my letter. Simple. To the point. Others may not have such a peaceful letter to write, and that’s OK. Write your own personal letter anyway, and have it come from your heart (and your head). Whatever you do, use it as an exercise in healing and awareness.

 

Dear Love Addiction,
You are now an old friend I revere. I am no longer angry or hate you or mortified of my past, because I see in you a teacher. I didn’t want to learn, but you showed me the way. I didn’t want to grow up, but you taught me the shame in remaining stunted. I didn’t want to accept the ugly side of myself, but then you taught me to forgive myself. These are the lessons I learned from what, at the time, felt like a horrible education.

Many times I asked, “why would you make me suffer like this?” But now I see you had plans for turning me into a whole, beautiful person, who has many gifts to offer the world. I came to you with nothing. And I left full. And for that, I am grateful. Without you, I would not be the woman I am today.

-Tracy

 

Why does he still call me but doesn’t love me?

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If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience.~Robert Fulghum

It was only when I put my suffering into perspective that I started to really recover. I learned that I was making myself suffer more than necessary. That in the big scheme of things, my love addiction was small. I was making it worse because I had no life. I had nothing to do. I didn’t believe in myself. I was afraid to live my life. I hid behind my suffering and bad relationships for years because underneath, I was scared to be me. We create chaos to balance out the loneliness in our lives.

S0, when you suffer and worry and wonder about someone else’s actions like, “why does he call when he says he doesn’t love me.”  or “Why does he come over to visit but then not want to sleep with me or be in a relationship?” you are creating chaos out of something you already clearly understand. You have acquaintances that call but don’t love you. Does everyone who calls you have to love you? You have co-workers, or people you know visit you from time to time, yes? Do they all want to sleep with you? No. When you witness this kind of behavior in others, you are clear about it.
We can accept wishy washy behavior for what it is in others, but as soon as it comes from the object of our desire, it’s confusing. It’s complicated. In reality, it’s not complicated at all.

Learn to remove the emotions from your situation and focus on what is LOGICALLY happening. Love addicts tend to push aside their logic and function solely on emotion.  Logically, what does it mean when some calls you or visits you, but doesn’t want anything more? It’s called a friendship. It’s called an interaction. No mystery.

More than anything, put yourself in the equation. Instead of trying to figure out what he or she wants from you, figure out what YOU want. What do YOU want? Do you want a wishy washy guy who doesn’t love you but tries to keep his foot in the door and call occasionally? If the answer is no, then take LOGICAL steps to move on. Wishy washiness is what you will get from this person. If you don’t like it and it hurts, leave. Not because HE says so, because YOU say so by way of knowing, LOGICALLY, what you want and going after it.

Love Addict Documentary- available in USA

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Many of you have waited for the availability of the Love Addict documentary. Well, it’s here! Almost. D and I will be in NYC on September 29 and 30th for the screening of Love Addict. It’s being presented among hundreds of other documentaries in the “Reel Recovery Film Festival“ on 34W. 13th St., New York, NY 10011 and runs from September 28 – October 4, 2012. The entire film festival is dedicated to films about addiction, which, in and of itself seems a bit murky. And yet, the harsh reality of addiction is countered by the Hope of recovery. This same film festival is also coming to Vancouver, Los Angeles and Ft. Lauderdale. For more information go to Writers in Treatment dot org.

Trouble

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“Trouble comes cheap and leaves expensive”- Richard Ford

Here are two sides of the same coin. Two interconnected quotes. What do they mean when you put them together? Don’t let the trouble that enters your life temporarily cause you to make a permanent and expensive mistake.

Often we get into “trouble” or date people who are bad for us because we don’t take the time to calculate risk. Calculating risk takes a higher level of functioning. And by higher level of functioning I mean being more mature, using your logical, adult brain instead of depending solely on your emotions.  It also means having a deeper appreciation for who you are what VALUE you have. When you recognize your value, you tend to want to protect it at all cost; so, you adopt behaviors and l traits to protect your own value and worth: you learn to use instinct, time, patience and calculated risk to assess situations and people. What becomes important is YOU, not the sex, or the fantasy, or the intensity, or any ‘ol relationship just for the relationship’s sake, or wanting to be saved at any cost. All those things would be nice. But they are secondary to your importance.

Just something to remember.

Giver or Taker?

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I want to share with you something that D and I were talking about the other day…

The difference between givers and takers.

I had forgotten that you can generalize people into one of these two groups. Of course nothing is black and white, and no one is all of one and nothing of the other, but some people tend to lean more to one side than the other.

So, this week’s topic is givers and takers (let’s compartmentalize!). But, this exercise is about YOU! I don’t want you to look to your PoA and define him or her as a giver or a taker. I am sure you could do that in under a second. It’s so easy to look at other people and define them (yet another reason we may be love addicts–it’s difficult to face who we are). Instead, what I’d like you to do is look at yourself and answer that question. Are YOU a giver or taker? If you can’t, right off the bat, figure it out, or if you’re unsure as to which side you lean, try writing a list of instances where you may be a giver and where you may be a taker.

And further, do you know the difference between these two characteristics? Here’s a look:

-A taker is always looking for someone to help him.
-Her hand is always out.
-The world “owes” him something.
-She tends to manipulate people to do things for her
-Perhaps the taker will even give something simply in order to get something back.

-A giver gives and expects nothing in return
-A giver does not do favors or offers help only to martyr themselves, complaining that they always give
-The world doesn’t owe anything to a giver; in fact, a giver recognizes his or her responsibility to give back to the world
-His hand is always offering, not asking for favors or short cuts
-Work is enjoyable to a giver. She recognizes the benefit to herself and others because of her commitment to what she does.

So………are you a giver or taker? Comments please!

Go ahead, go back…

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Go ahead. Go back to your PoA (person of addiction)! You know you want to. ANd if you want to and feel as though you should, surely that means it was meant to be, right? Why not! Every emotion you have, even a burp or a fart has huge significance. Right? A sign from God. So follow it and go back to him.

And when you go back….enjoy! And be happy! Be happy that he’s IGNORING you. You don’t deserve to be paid attention to anyway. In fact, everyone including friends and loved one SHOULD ignore you. Because what you have to say is not very important. Other people (who ramble on about nothing and do nothing with their lives) are so much more important than you.

And when you go back….feel the amazing feeling of the CONFUSION. It’s fun and exciting to never know what to expect from one day to the next. She’s running hot and cold! One day she loves you, the next she doesn’t? Perfect. Instability is probably just what you’re heart desires.

And when you go back…feel the intense love that, let’s face it, you are most likely creating on your own, because, let’s face it, half the time he’s off with another woman. Oh the LIES, of the BETRAYAL! WHen I was a child. I always dreamed of having a loving relationship filled with these things. I also wanted a guy I had to fight for. Nothing comes easy! Love is meant to be painful and filled with suffering.

And when you go back….celebrate the good times! Because they are few and far between and erratic as heck. And well…they don’t exist anymore. Because she’s gone. But who cares! She comes around every so often, and isn’t that a sign from the Gods that she’s still hanging on and wants to come back? Because people who love you want to spend as little time as possible with you. Ah…the memories! They will keep you warm at night.

And when you go back….rejoice in the REJECTION and the SCRAPS that he’s feeding you. Why take anything else? You are not ready for anything better. Rejection and scraps are right up your alley and you are worth it! There’s no way you could handle a decent, warm meal. Not you! You’re too rugged for that. You prefer to eat your meals out of the garbage can.

SO yes! Next time you wonder if NC is just getting in the way of this great relationship of yours, if NC is not worth it, if NC is just a waste of your time…then I DO suggest going back. And maybe then, you’ll remember why you left in the first place.

What’s your Vibe?

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This week I wanted to talk about your VIBE. We all have one. What’s yours?

When I was younger, my mother used to tell me that the reason I never attracted a great boyfriend (today we would use the word “healthy”) was because I was giving off the DESPERATE VIBE. When a guy would approach me, I got very serious and wanting and well, desperate. And as hard as it was to hear that, and ugly a connotation as it was, it was true!

Trouble was, I never knew how to change my vibe. No matter how hard I tried, I always gave off the “desperate” vibe. That vibe, sadly, always attracted other desperate people. Or worse, it attracted weirdos.

So then, I would try to fake my VIBE. Guess who I attracted? Fake people!

Finally, much later in life, I gave up trying to attract anyone and I simply enjoyed my life without a guy. Guess what kind of vibe I gave off? A HAPPY CONTENT VIBE. And guess what kind of guy I ultimately ended up attracting? A happy, HEALTHY, content one.

The moral of this story is to not go out and try to attract a mate per se. It is to be aware of the VIBE you might be giving off. Others can read you and know what you’re all about within the first five minutes. And so, what are giving off? What atmosphere, what energy, what vibration are you exuding? Is it something that others will want to be around or avoid? Do you give off

a PARTY VIBE,
a GET AWAY FROM ME VIBE,
a DESPERATE VIBE,
a NEEDY VIBE,
a NEGATIVE VIBE

Or a HAPPY, HEALTHY PEACEFUL VIBE???

And if you don’t like the vibe you’re giving off, how can you CHANGE it? Well, for starters, you need to understand that you are not your vibe. I know this because, on a good day, when I would focus on something that interested me and got really into it, there would a small window of time where I was giving off a happy vibe, and others took notice. Thing was, I couldn’t sustain it. I would quickly sink back down into depression and desperation because I would lose focus on this task (that created in me focus and contentment) and I would revert back to my previous task of seeking out a boyfriend and being rather disappointed in life that I didn’t have one.

When that happened, the desperate vibe would return and I would be miserable again.

So, from my own experience, the only time I was capable of permanently changing my vibe was when I gave up hoping and dreaming for that very thing I wanted so much. And instead, I focused on what I had and said, “let me be happy with this!” At the time it wasn’t much. But I made the best of it. And when that happened, my whole disposition change. My energy changed. And I began to attract happier, healthier people.

This concept comes from The Law of Attraction. Read about it. There are several books on that topic.

Until then, what’s YOUR vibe? What would you like your vibe to be, and how do you plan on changing it?

Expectations

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One of our biggest downfalls as humans–(healthy and unhealthy alike) is our level of expectation of others. To put it to you plainly, we tend to expect too much too soon from the wrong people.

What do I mean by that? Well, would you expect a baby to talk? Of course not. Would you expect a fish to walk on two legs? Pure silliness. And yet, everyday, we expect avoidant people to be intimate and close, we expect people who clearly are not showing much interest in us to be interested, and we expect love from a source that is incapable of loving us.

When we look at people and accept them for who and what they are, it means giving up unrealistic expectations of them. For years I dated (or married!) men who were avoidant and the entire time I was in the relationship with them I expected them to be in love and attentive and treat me like men treat women in the movies. My expectations were so high that they were unrealistic. High expectations are bound to disappoint.

But I thought we were supposed to have high expectations of being treated well and good!?!?!

YES! We are supposed to have high expectations of being treated well and good—BUT FROM THE RIGHT PEOPLE. You cannot expect a man who has a track record of cheating on all his girlfriends to suddenly stop cheating once you’ve come along. Your expectations will never be met. But you can have high expectations for YOURSELF that you will not date men who cheat (and if you don’t find out until later into the relationship it means that you don’t stick around and demand they change; it means YOU LEAVE). See the difference.

Set high expectations of and for yourself, and expect them of people who can meet them. Otherwise, you are basically expecting the impossible.

How are your current expectations of others? Have they improved? Are you more accepting of others’ realities and who they really are? Or are you still expecting to fit a square peg into a round hole?

Major Change

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It’s time for an inventory! This week’s topic asks you to delve into ways you have changed since you’ve begun your recovery journey–or since you’ve been coming to these boards. What have you learned? What is now different about you? What subtle changes have you made to your behavior for better (or worse!)

I will start by listing a few of the major changes I made that have shifted my behavior since beginning recovery (I have a very long list, so I’ll keep it to only the top most important, that have had the most impact)

1. I learned that my “idea” of my perfect mate was a childish one and no longer fit the person I was. I was always attracted to the single, dark haired ‘bad boy’ but I wasn’t bad, I had kids, and I was a very stable, simple girl. These were qualities about me I didn’t recognize. I also did not want to recognize that I should have been looking for someone more like me who was also interested in family, stability and a more simple life. Once I let go of my childhood image of the perfect mate, I was more open to different, healthier men.

2. I learned that when a relationship was not “right” I would get physically sick or emotionally moody. I could not just blame it on my period or something I ate, which I tended to do (it must be something else that’s bugging me). Although periods and certain foods would definitely exacerbate my moods, the reality was, I was in a bad relationship and didn’t want to face it. When something was not right, my whole body would SCREAM at me. I finally started to listen, and became honest with myself– even if it meant change. 

3. I learned that my love addiction was not exactly about love. At the root of my love addiction (at the root of ALL addictions) is a very strong desire to AVOID something that you really don’t want to face. In my case, it was my responsibility to work and financially support myself. I DREADED the idea of work and finding a job. So much so, that I got married to avoid it. That I’d date and fall in love to avoid it. Once I faced my fear (forced myself to do things alone, took myself out of my comfort zone and experience awkwardness, etc.) I suddenly had a much healthier ability to pick and choose boyfriends. Because I was not choosing them to care for me or to help me avoid something, I was able to choose a mate on other qualities like friendship and kindness.

4. I learned that Water Seeks Its Own Level. As messed up as you may think your PoA is, you are equally messed up (hard to face!). As “healthy” as you think your hubby is compared to you, look again. We seek out people who balance us. Who match us. Only when YOU are healthy will you be able to find someone equally as healthy and well-adjusted. This lesson was a hard one to accept. I always thought I was better than everyone else, and so I would get angry when they didn’t live up to my expectations. Boy was this an eye opener to recognize that I was just as bad. Well, I didn’t want to be on the same level as my PoA!!!! I was better than that!!! And so…the “water seeks its own level” was a lesson in self-love. If I thought I was so great, I needed to prove it by connecting with healthier people. Not just PoAs…but friends and family too! I changed many people in my life and improved my circle of friends. 

5. I learned that as deeply as I delved into my past for answers in the end, what mattered the most was what action I was willing to take at that time to change my behavior. Dr. Phil said once, “It’s one thing when you’ve suffered as a child from abuse or neglect; it’s another thing entirely when you drag all that suffering into adulthood. Let it go!” So…this lesson was about getting out of my head and actually taking physical action. When I would catch myself sitting around doing nothing but thinking and analyzing whatever failed relationship, I recognized that this too was a form of avoidance. So…I would get up and go for a bike a ride (even if I did not want to! And that’s the key). Remember, as love addicts it’s very hard for us to take any action outside ones that draw us closer to our PoAs. 

6. I learned that, for years, I believed that my ideal mate was the image of my father. I felt as though I would be betraying my father if I liked any other type of man. But the thing is, he may have been an OK father, that I had no choice in selecting. But he did not make the perfect model of the man I should date. I didn’t have to repeat history. I could change it. I could find someone with whom I was more compatible. Sometimes we feel anchored to our past. We feel obligated to stick to our tradition. You don’t have to! In fact, in order to break the chain of dysfunction in families, you must do something different than your forefathers.

7. I learned that once you do find someone healthy, your old ways of communicating, and working out problems will not be tolerated by a healthy individual. Especially if your old ways are dysfunctional. I had to change many of my dysfunctional ways of communicating. How did I do this? I read. A lot. I learned what manipulation was and that I was doing it. I learned what blame was, and that I was doing it. I learned about complaining, and decided I no longer wanted to do (that I wanted to be a grateful person instead). I REPLACED bad behavior with good and I continued to do until it became a habit. 

8. I learned that communication, negotiation, compromise, sharing and respect are the foundation to not only bonding with someone but living with them successfully. Sure, we can all fall in love and operate on our emotions for a brief time. That doesn’t take anything but animal instinct. But it takes learning to communicate well, learning to respect others, and learning to share and be kind for a healthy, longterm relationship.

9. I learned that for most of my life I was operating on my Emotions. I made decisions with my emotions. Just like my mother, and most of our society said. “You will know in your heart…” and that’s what I did. I based decisions on my heart, not my head. HUGE mistake. We are given both a brain and a heart and we need to use both. I never knew what that was like until I actually applied it and experienced it. Making decisions with your brain, not just your emotions,  takes different strategy. It takes writing out lists of what is logically the right thing to do, versus the wrong. It takes calculating, strategizing, and it takes recognizing and facing RED FLAGS. The emotional side of us wants nothing to do with red flags. The logical side only focuses on the red flags. When you are using BOTH your brain and your heart to make decisions, you don’t have that confused “should I stay or should I go” feeling. You are in perfect alignment and both your head and heart are happy, not pulled and frustrated.

10. I learned that I was, indeed, capable of change. But it wasn’t when I had hit my “bottom” or when I became so sick and tired of my life and the way I was living it. I was like that almost from the beginning and I never got anywhere. Reading one book after another on love and relationships was just another way to avoid facing the real issue! It was ONLY when I decided to take ACTION that real change occurred. Instead of staying in my head, dreaming of change, instead of reading yet another self-help book about how to break my addiction to a PoA, I got up and actually DID SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE that had nothing to do with the PoA. And it wasn’t exactly what I thought it should be (action to get rid of the PoA).It was to start working on facing my underlying fear of working and doing and being a grown up. And when I did that, there was no need anymore for the PoA.Sometimes we focus so much on what seems to be the “big problem” in our lives (our addiction to someone) that we cannot see that there is another, deeper, more costly problem occurring. That we are denying ourselves an authentic life.

We don’t live forever. Where do you see yourself in 2 years? Five years? What haven’t you accomplished in this life that you always wanted to accomplish? What are your fears? What are they keeping you from achieving?

 

What if you placed value on something other than “love”…

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Romance Stories of True Love No 50 Harvey, 1958 SA

Romance Stories of True Love No 50 Harvey, 1958 SA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What if you were stranded on a deserted island with only your family or your friends (people you loved, but could not date) and there was NO ONE else in sight, nor would there ever be. And for the remainder of your life, you had to live this way.

Keep in mind that the island would be tropical and filled with beautiful plant life and abundance. There might be tons of books left on the island for reading, and there were an abundance of activities. Life could be FULL with the one exception that you could not find a romantic partner.

To a love addict, at the height of his or her addiction, this might seem like certain doom. But in recovery, how do we deal with this idea? If you think about it, it’s a “sink or swim” situation and when you face it, and really imagine it, you find out what kind of person you are and what kind of recovery you will continue to have.

When I did this little exercise I had just been dumped (ouch!) I was 40 years old and I TRULY believed there was no one else out there in the world for me. I believed that S was the last. Faced with such a seemingly depressing future, I had CHOICES as to how I would react to that situation.

I could have easily sunk into a permanent depression. I could have run out to the nearest bar and tried to pick up any guy I could find that might want to have sex with me, and lived like that. I could have given up and become a hermit. OR I could have started to look at the world in a different way and started to believe that I was put on this earth for more than just romance. Maybe, just maybe, there areother things in this worldthat i could be focusing on and enjoying.

I chose the latter.

I started to see the world in a different way. Before, I always believed it was supposed to give me stuff and introduce me to love. But when I changed my perspective I started to believe that maybe it was my time to start to give back to the world. To enjoy my children. To be grateful for what I did have, NOT cry over what I didn’t have.

This change in perspective came not when I imagined being stranded on an island. I already felt like that! It came after seeing a documentary on a man with no arms and no legs. He was born that way and he was in his 30′s and his expectations of the world were very different than mine. He could not expect to casually meet women and fall in love like I could. He could not expect that one day he would get married and have children and live a NORMAL life. He couldn’t expect to play football or attract women like other men could.

But wait, he COULD expect these things from life (and if he did he would be MISERABLE because chances are, he would not meet those expectations, nor would anyone meet those expectations for him). But he DIDN’T expect those things. He didn’t consider any of those things to be a viable part of life. He chose to see his life as valuable and full WITHOUT those things.

How was that possible, I thought? How can anyone be happy or feel fulfilled without romantic love?! But then I realized that that was my addict brain thinking. Needing my drug of choice. How can an addict live without his or her drug?

But it IS possible. Millions of people live without romantic love and are perfectly content. They have found VALUE in their lives despite what they lack or do not have access to.

And so, I am asking you to think about your own life. I am asking you to think about who you are and what your value is without a significant other.If you could never date again, what would make you happy? Who would you be? WHat would be your joy in life.

Answer these questions and you can heal. Answer these questions and live your life as if they were true, and a miracle will occur.

Love vs. a healthy relationship (there’s a difference!)

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Are you looking for love or a Healthy Relationship, because let me tell you, these are two totally different things!

One of the hardest things I ever learned was that “Love” was not all I needed, and that “Love” didn’t save the day. And, dare I say it, “Love” was not the answer. A kid thinks that. Not an adult. An adult knows better. And here’s the difference:

Love is an emotion. It is spurred on by chemicals, feelings, or circumstances. It is JUST an emotion, just like hate, anger, joy, sadness, etc. It can last a lifetime, just like depression. It can be something you carry with you and give to others, and it can be a quality you seek in a mate. But it is singular, meaning it comes by itself. Love is love. Period.

A Healthy Relationship is multi-faceted. It is a WHOLE PACKAGE. It has many, many components to it: love, respect, trust, comittment, kindness, friendship, humor, seriousness, strong communication, an ability to compromise, patience, care, chemistry, compatibility, security, and so on.

Love addicts (like teenagers) tend to seek the emotion. They tend to look only for LOVE when they go out in the world to find a mate. It doesn’t matter if the person is available, or neglecting or avoiding, or hurtful. As long as LOVE is the encompassing emotion. Love addicts will overlook a host of red flags, because, as long as they feel LOVE, what else is there?

This narrow-minded belief comes from childhood. Most likely you were raised in a household that did not exhibit adult, healthy behavior. When this occurs, we learn a very child-like version of a relationship. We don’t learn about the whole picture and all the components that go into a healthy relationship, we simply learn the Disney version of two people coming together.  There may be abuse, neglect, addiction, avoidance or cheating, but if there is “Love,” and if the parents stay together in spite of all those other things, we learn that love is the higher good.

“Why do you stay, mom, when daddy hurts you so badly?”

“Because I love him.”

If there is divorce or separation or simply a lack of love between the parents, and we never see our parents love or have a healthy relationship, this is also detrimental to our education about what is “healthy.” We tend to learn about love and relationship on the street, so to speak. From our friends, or worse…from Hollywood, which tends to send incredibly bad, wrong messages about what a healthy relationship is (Twilight, The LIttle Mermaid, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, The Notebook, Titanic, The Body Guard, The Wedding Planner, Brigid Jones’ Diary, and on and on). In his article in Cracked, about how movies influence you, David Wong writes:

The reality is that vast piles of facts that you have crammed into your brain basement were picked up from pop culture, and for the most part, you don’t realize that’s where the information came from. This is called source amnesia, and I’ve talked about it before – you know that giraffes sleep standing up, but you’ve long forgotten whether you heard that fact in school or in a tour at the zoo, or saw it in a cartoon. Either way, you will treat that fact as true until something comes along to counter it

When parents don’t teach us to have healthy relationships, we fill that void by getting our information elsewhere. And when we depend on pop culture as our teacher, we fail to learn an essential truth: that love isn’t the end all and be all to life, that it doesn’t save the day and that it isn’t the only thing necessary for marriage, dating, making babies, growing old together or existing. Yes, psychologists and biologist say we need “love” to survive, but there is no professional, anthropological or biological study that states that that love must be romantic love.

I was lucky. I realized this truth by seeing it in my mother’s second marriage to a wonderful man. Her first marriage was fraught with pain and suffering. When she decided she was more important than the relationship itself and that she needed to get out to save herself and her children (we were in physical danger), she left. She always loved my father. But there was a huge disconnect between the love she felt in her heart, and the life she was living in pain. When she went back out into the world to date, at that point, she believed she was important and should be treated well. She did not look someone that ONLY made her feel love. She looked beyond that. Was he a good man, was he good to his children, would he be good to her children, was he fair, trustworthy, respecting, kind, could he financially support himself, did he have good values?

You see what else she looked for? She looked for those things because she believed she was worth those things.

When we start to want better things for ourselves and realize that we are TEMPLES, we begin to understand how limited the concept of Love can be. We are SACRED and anything we do to ourselves and anyone we come in contact with needs to respect that we are sacred. Love ,as delicious as it is, doesn’t always show respect. It isn’t capable of being kind or caring. Love can be downright painful and poisonous. And it certainly doesn’t protect us.

But a healthy relationship, by virtue of the word “healthy” encompasses all that is good and worthy AND it protects us. The other person in the healthy relationship doesn’t protect us, WE PROTECT OURSELVES by seeking out healthy people who treat us well. And only people who ALSO recognize their sacredness will understand this and seek out the same.

SO…maybe it’s time to change your paradigm. Maybe it’s time to redefine what you want. DO you want LOVE, or a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, which encompasses so much more and tends to meet more of your needs.

Thoughts?

Related articles

Know thyself

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Instability

Instability (Photo credit: cliff1066™)

One of the biggest characteristics of Love Addicts (or any addict for that matter) is that we do not know who we are. Sure, we may know what we look like, what foods we like, what TV shows we like, where we live, etc. But I am talking about knowing oneself on a much deeper, well-rounded level. One of the reasons we don’t know ourselves so well is because we have been avoiding ourselves. We use our addiction as a way to escape the inevitability of growing up and knowing ourselves deeply.

Another reason is that we simply see ourselves wrongly. We “imagine” being one way when in reality we are something else. This is a very normal state if you’re a teenager. When you’re a teen, you’re supposed to be dreaming up the person you want to be. But the inevitable next step is to try to become the person you want to be. This is where I think many people get stuck.

Here’s a story.

When I was a kid, it was evident that I loved to write. So, my mother told me, “you are a writer.” I also saw that my father was an artist and a music, as was my mother and many other family members. So, when I grew up, I took on their definition of me. I loved being an artist, I loved the artist’s life and most of the men I went after had some unique, artistic twist to their personality. Thing is, I was ALWAYS frustrated within the lifestyle. Artists tend to be impulsive, unstable people. Many are immature and narcissistic, putting their art and music first. Some are addicts. The older I got the less I liked the idea of dating an artist. But I was one, wasn’t I? ANd this was the pool that I needed to draw from, wasn’t it? But the answer to those questions was no. More than an artist, I was a woman who loved family, stability and a place where I could go where there were no drugs or avoidance of growing up. I had two small children and I wanted to be around responsible, financially stable people! As boring as that sounded to me, THAT’S WHO I WAS. I was, after all, not like my parents. And while I still had within me the artist’s soul, that did not mean I had to live and breath in that world.

I also used to think of myself has highly unstable, until one day, a close friend of mine said, “you’re one of the most stable people I know!” And she listed my qualities. I tend to like to stay home at nights, I am always on time, I never miss events that I have promised to attend, etc. Here, I thought I was incapable of all those things, but I was not.

These realizations came to me late in life. And so, I’ve tried to put together a list of traits that you can use to ask yourself if you know these areas of yourself. The more you know about YOU the clearer you know what you want (and who you want) closest to you!

  • Level of tolerance: What is your level of tolerance for certain things like drugs, drinking, immaturity, avoidance of responsibility, mistake making. Take a look at the people around you. Is it very difficult of easy to put up with certain characteristics?
  • Are you serious or not so serious? I found that I was a very serious person on the inside, and that I felt most comfortable when I was with people who “lightened” me up and were playful.
  • What class are you? It would be nice if you could turn a blind eye to class. In a perfect world this may be possible, but not now. How did you grow up? Rich? Poor? Middle class? Blue collar? White collar? Silver spoon? Sometimes (like the fantasy story of the Prince and the Pauper) we date outside our class. But this may cause problems and uncomfortable situations. I dated a guy who came from a much more privileged home than I and I felt hugely uncomfortable and insecure. I also dated a man who had no class and was very poor. As much as I loved him, I found myself unable to tolerate some of his habits. I overlooked it for so long because I didn’t want to be superficial. But now I see it differently. We tend to be most comfortable within our own class. That’s NOT to say you can’t have a healthy relationship outside your own class. But it is something to consider. What is your level of tolerance for class-related issues?
  • Do you like stability or instability? I always thought I preferred a more unstable life. But when I looked at how stable I designed my own world, I realized that safety, security, reliability and simplicity were the stronger qualities in myself. This is not surprising. My life as a child was very chaotic. We moved 14 times in 20 years. SO, although I was attracted to people who were living wild, dramatic, chaotic lives (because they reminded me of my childhood), I didn’t like that lifestyle one bit!
  • Are you a control freak or can you go with the flow? So often I would date men that were non-commital. They’d make plans vaguely. Maybe we would get together on this date. And when they wouldn’t call or show up, I was insanely upset. Everyone told me to lighten up. “Go with the flow” they said. But I soon learned, that wasn’t me. I needed to find someone who was as much a planner as I was. Someone who valued reliability and a more controlled atmosphere (but not so controlling that we couldn’t be spontaneous every once in a while). Know what makes you feel more comfortable and stick with like-minded people.
  • Level of education. Obviously you know your level of education. But how important is it that you surround yourself with people who share your same level of education?
  • Religious views/beliefs. People are usually passionate about their religious views, whether they passionately belief in one religion or passionately believe they want nothing to do with any religion. Some people don’t care. Where do you fall on the scale and how important to you is it that others share your same beliefs?
  • What is your financial health. Can you take care of yourself? Are you looking for someone to take care of you? Or do you like to be independent? When I was younger, I was very dependent upon my husband to take care of me. Because I was so dependent, I had to put up with things I didn’t particularly like. And let’s face, when you’re dependent, you’re trapped. After I went back to school and began working, I realized I despised being dependent upon another person for my security, and so I eventually came to know that being financially stable and earning my own money was mandatory to my personality.
  • Are you a caretaker because you like taking care of people or do you secretly want to control other, or be taken care of yourself. Are you a Mother Theresa or a full-fledged co-dependent?
  • What is your comfort level when it concerns intimacy? How close do you like to be to people? How much space or “alone time” do you need? We can be very attracted to certain people because we inherently know they will give us lots of emotional space (because we cannot handle too much). But the drawback is that sometimes they give us too much space. Know your level of intimacy and what you are most comfortable with.
  • Get to know other smaller but significant things about yourself:  are you a morning person, a night person, are you generally positive or negative, do you like healthy food, or junk food, where do you see yourself in 5, 10 years, what are 10 things you can’t live without, with whom are happiest (not including the PoA and sentences that resemble “I would be happiest with _____ IF ONLY HE/SHE WOULD (fill in the blanks)” )

Thinking too much and doing nothing about it?

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PART II: All Talk and no Action

Taking Action (on virtually anything) was one of the hardest things I have had trouble doing. I was lazy as the day was long. It’s not that I didn’t think things through. Heck, that seems to be all I did.  I would get stuck thinking too much but then doing nothing about it, because, let’s face, the more you think about something, the more time you can come with excuses not to do it. And it was like that when it came to my career, my relationships, my education, you name it. I didn’t know how to move from THINKING which I did incessantly, to MOVEMENT, which I barely did. In fact, I did what we all dread…ran around in circles and got nothing done. But, eventually, I figure it out. I took on certain beliefs that required me to realize the importance of movement and action (mainly that I will only live once, and that I am running out of time). I also placed the idea of being a “productive member of society” higher on my Values list. When I did that, I was far more inspired to take action, because, when something is on your Values list, you are bound to (if you love yourself!)  Here are a few more things that helped me get off my arse and start doing:

1. Start to brainwash yourself and think in terms of action as necessity. We take action to go to work. We take action to feed ourselves or shower in the morning. Right? We do those things almost on autopilot because we have no choice. We take those actions to survive. Well, we need to move away from the PoA to survive. And we need to get involved in other hobbies (so as not to think of PoA) to survive, and so on. Start to change the way you think about the Importance of the task you want to accomplish.

2. Write a list of things you want to accomplish. And further, give yourself a time frame to complete those tasks. Where do you see yourself in 6 months? 1 year? 5 years? Write out every detail of your plan of action. This because your road map.

3. Practice taking action with baby steps. If your goal is not stop talking about changing careers and actually do it, start with baby steps. Update your resume. Research your new career. Then, try to find a networking group in your area that has similar interests. The more you are around people who ALSO take action, the more likely you are to do so too.

4. KEEP doing something. Don’t worry about the importance of the action. This is how you build momentum. If, when you do something it exhausts you or disappoints you (and this was always my case) DON’T GIVE UP. Get right back out there and do it again. This is where we fail. This is why we procrastinate. Because the pain of doing something outweighs the pain of doing nothing. When we go out and do something ONCE, and it doesn’t feel right, we immediately want to stop and say, “That’s not for me.” And yet, this is the most important challenge we need to overcome. This sensation of awkwardness is what holds us back and what we have been avoiding all our lives. But remember when you first learned to ride a bike? It was AWKWARD. You fell off. But you had to get back on and keep trying. And now, it’s a smooth ride. Have that same faith in your ability to learn new tasks. 

5. Do a certain activity 3-5 times, even 10 times before quitting. Get used to the follow through. I had to take a kickboxing class 5 times before I started to enjoy it.

6. Lastly, and this kinda goes back to number one, change your brain! Change your perspective. Your mind is the ONLY thing keeping you from doing something. Not your body, not your emotions, nothing else but your brain. And guess what, your body and emotions will do virtually anything the brain tells them to do. Feed your brain negative thoughts (Nah, I can’t do this today, I’ll do it tomorrow) and that’s what it will believe. Feed your brain positive thoughts and that’s what it will believe.

All talk and no action?

Posted on by l0velyjune
5

For many, many years (too many to count), I was the smartest failure at relationships around. I had picked up some of the best advice on how to date and learned many lessons on how to have a successful relationship. I also knew extremely well the concept of loving myself, that I had to love myself in order for others to love me, and that I was one-of-a-kind. I knew I had to behave a certain way and that if I wanted anything in life I had to go out and get it. I also knew all too well that when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, I would change.

But change never occurred. The same problem kept repeating itself over and over and over again. I would “say” that I was worth a lot and deserved better, but then I would date men that treated me poorly. And so, I was stagnant, stuck in one bad relationship after another. And when I picked up that gazillionth self-help book that told me everything I already knew, I felt defeated. I constantly asked myself, how could I know all this stuff, but still be living an unfulfilled life?

And then it hit me…

Sure, all these lessons were sinking in. And sure, I was learning them. But I wasn’t put them into action. I was still remaining in my head, hoping that my outside environment would change so that I wouldn’t have to. I was waiting for the “right” guy to show up on my doorstep. I was waiting for the current guy to change his behavior and be my dream guy. I was waiting for the perfect job to appear out of no where and beg me to work it. But the truth is, the only time in my life that real change ever occurred was when I took action. When I actually got up and made some physical or mental change that could be measured in comparison to my previous actions.

  • A job never “appeared” until I actually went back to school and got my degree (I took action to gain valuable experience and once I was surrounded by people in my field of choice via an internship, I was able to more easily make connections and get job offers).
  • My current guy never “changed” so I made the decision to leave him and I took action to do so. It was painful, but I was willing to take the risk because I believed I was worth more than he was willing to pay.
  • My dream guy never “showed up on my doorstep” (well, he kinda did, but I took action long before that happened, to change ME so that my dream guy would actually be interested in me and recognize me as someone mutually healthy). I began to support myself financially, I finished my degree and went on to grad school, I dressed better, I improved my overall appearance, I learned the meaning of being grateful everyday for what I have, not what I “could” or “should” have. And I was happy being me.

OK, so it’s time to ask yourself if you are taking real action towards your goals or if you are “all talk” and no action. Are you waiting for Prince Charming to show up on your doorstep? Or are you focusing on becoming a better more fulfilled person on your own, so that IF Prince Charming (I kinda hate that term but it’s the best I got for now) comes along he will recognize you as someone healthy? Are you waiting for your current guy to stop neglecting you, stop cheating on you, and get real? Or are you being realistic in understanding that if he hasn’t changed by now, he most likely never will? And are you taking action to move away from the relationship?

If you are taking actions, what are they? And most important, are you repeating these healthy actions or are you doing them once and giving up?

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Self-sabotage

Posted on by l0velyjune
1

I’ve been hearing a lot of talk of self-sabotage and while this is a a real and true problem that applies to most of us (addiction, by nature, is self-sabotage), I feel as though it is being misused in many ways.

Self-sabotage, according to Psychology Today is, “behavior that results from a misguided attempt to rescue ourselves from our own negative feelings.” In other words, self-sabotage is self-destructive behavior that keeps us from living and growing up to become healthy adults. Addiction is self-sabotage. Addiction is a behavior or defense mechanism that we believe is soothing us and helping us to avert pain and suffering, whereas in reality, it is blocking us from living a healthier, happier life.

But many here are using the term self-sabotage to explain how they are finally finding truly healthy mates, but instead of giving into them and accepting their goodness, they are running away.

This is where I tend to believe the idea of self-sabotage is misused. I believe, as humans, we have a gut instinct about people. We know what we like. And I think that most of us, if given the opportunity, would not turn down a good, healthy relationship. Heck, love addicts will settle for a bad relationship because they want one so badly, so why wouldn’t they adapt to and accept a good relationship?!

I too used to believe I was sabotaging myself by running away from some men. In retrospect, I ran away from those men for a reason: I simply didn’t like them. Whether they were healthy or not, wasn’t the point. The point was, we had no chemistry, no attraction, and little in common. But in my mind, at the time, I thought I was a fool for turning down someone who was seemingly healthy. I must be sabotaging myself, I thought. And yet, what I was really doing, was not recognizing the nature of attraction. You can have two completely normal, healthy, good looking, smart loving, ready individuals and NOTHING will come of them. Why? They’re not attracted to each other. Period.

Because we come from the love addict perspective, it is often skewed. We tend to think in black and white.If someone is healthy and I turn them down, that makes me unhealthy. But that’s entirely NOT true. We cannot blame some of our choices on self-sabotage, but must instead, hold accountable, our ability to recognize someone we like and can ultimately love. We have far more strength in this department than we give ourselves credit for. And if you don’t believe me, here’s a little test: look back at all the men and/or women you’ve dated. How many times can you recall, upon first meeting them, that despite a sense of chemistry and attraction, you detected RED FLAGS? That tells me, that most of us have it in us to sense danger and sense attraction. WHere we go wrong is not in the sensing part, but in the taking action part. We recognize the red flags, but we choose to ignore them.

The same can be said for situations where you meet someone with no red flags but also, little to no chemistry. You sense the no red flags, and you sense the no chemistry, but you ignore the lack of chemistry and date anyway. After getting sexually involved, you wonder why you are not attracted to someone who has no red flags. You blame yourself. You think it’s self-sabotage.

I don’t think it is. I think our instinct for attraction is far more powerful than we give it credit for. And think we can be attracted to good people and bad. It is in the logical choices we make or don’t make (to choose someone good or settle for someone bad) that creates in us the “addict’s brain.”

OUr true self-sabotage comes not from giving up good relationships, but from remaining in bad ones. When we finally have the recognition that we should seek a healthy person, that does not mean that EVERY healthy person will be right for us.

Lastly, I think that many people get involved too quickly after recovery (myself included). When we don’t have a strong sense of self and knowing who we are, we have trouble recognizing someone who might be right for us. So, it makes dating harder. And it makes it seem like we are throwing away something that could be good for us. You don’t know what’s good for you until you really take the time to get know someone. And that takes years.

Eight months into my new relationship with D, I was on the brink of throwing it away. I had a very silly (immature) notion that I should be dating a scraggly, dark-haired, wild musician-type. That’s who I was physically attracted to. And I felt that if I dated D, who was blond, German, all-AMerican, clean-cut family man, I would be giving up that fantasy forever. This made me heartbroken. It hurt to have to say goodbye to a long held fantasy. But I realized that in order to grow up, I had to start valuing other things more than my fantasies and my childish notion of beauty. I had to really THINK about what I had with D and if it was worth throwing away. D was generous, kind, attentive to me, caring, he made me laugh, he was intelligent, he was good looking, we had chemistry, he was mature, and he had no red flags.

Growing up and making the right choices is what life is all about. I had to give up thinking with my EMOTIONS and I had to think with my HEAD. When I did that, everything fell into alignment.

I do believe, as my own personal story shows, that wecansabotage ourselves by giving up something good. But it takes A LONG time to realize you have something good. And it takes a lot more than throwing away healthy to sabotage yourself. To this day, I can still fall into a pattern of being ungrateful for what I have. So, I have to bring myself back, constantly, to a remembrance of my VALUES.

Does anyone else have any thoughts on self-sabotage? Share ‘em!

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Learning to let go

Posted on by l0velyjune
4

When I was a kid I had what many kids have– a security blanket. I also sucked my thumb and had a goofy-looking teddy bear I creatively named “Teddy.” And while I was able to get rid of the thumb sucking and the teddybear, I was unable to let go of the blanket. In fact, it followed me well into my married life. I slept with it nightly.  And it served one of the most important roles of any object around the house– it comforted me when I was sad or angry or upset or in pain. I would roll it up in a ball and press my face into it and touch the binding. And lo and behold, it worked. It calmed me down.

Unfortunately, as I got older I learned to cling to more destructive things– smoking cigarettes, food, people, shopping. These things all served the same purpose. To comfort me. Yet there was a paradox. The more I clung to these things to comfort me, the more uncomfortable, out of control and painful my life became.

Relationships are a perfect example. No matter how real and fulfilling the relationship was for a time, if it had come to its end for whatever reason, I needed to respect that end, not try to emotionally (or physically) drag it out, which I was doing. The trouble was, I had made the relationship not only my security blanket but the be all and end all of my existence. It was the entity which validated me, comforted me, defined me, saved me. And while every good relationship can and should be considered a comfort, it should not be considered something that saves, validates, completes or defines us. That’s when we seem to get into trouble. And that’s when we hurt the most if the relationship ends.

HOw so? Well, when we cling to a relationship that is clearly over, we sabotage ourselves. Sure, the relationship may have been beautiful at one point. But when we do not let it go or respect the passing of it, we do great damage to the self and stunt our growth. It’s like mourning the dead for too long, or worse, having a relationship with them. We deny ourselves a true present. And we fail to take care of that deep human need in us to be loved–not by others, but by ourselves.

But in order to let go, we need to know why we are hanging on.

My thoughts on this are simple. We hang on because we don’t believe we have anything else. We don’t believe we can do better, or find someone that will accept us or love us with what we believed was the best love imaginable.  And most importantly, we fail to recognize that we–ourselves alone–were so much more than the relationship and still are. The relationship ended, we did not. Also,  we hang on because we do not (nor possibly ever did) have a clear sense of the actual health of the relationship. Wanting the relationship to work more than wanting to face the truth puts us in a position of denial. But, if we are to be brutally honest with ourselves, the relationship might not have been a healthy one, it may have been broken in spots that could not be fixed. This, in no way, means we have to beat ourselves about how we lived through the relationship. But we do have to be honest and face a truth that we might not want to face, NOW. Facing the truth, and not holding on to a fantasy, helps in the healing process and helps us to move on.

Finally, it happens often with relatively healthy people too, but when it comes to relationships, some people give everything away. They sacrifice their identity and become the other, they give up their hobbies to follow the other’s hobbies, and they lose themselves almost completely to the relationship. When and if the relationship ends, what do they have left of themselves? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done this. I proudly called myself a chameleon.  And for what? Looking back, I find it strange that I was so proud of having no identity of my own and could change so easily to fit into the lifestyle of whomever I was dating.

When I was a teenager, I spent a summer working on the boardwalk down the shore. I sold t-shirts for a young, but wise Israeli man named Eyal. I had fallen in love with another of my co-workers, and at the end of the summer, when he went back home, I was devastated. I felt like my whole world blew up in my face and I had nothing. Everything that was important in my life was gone. Eyal and I talked about this one night and he said this: “There is an old, Israeli saying that when you fall in love,  give everything to the other person, but keep three finger for yourself. This way, when you fall,” and he made pretend that he was falling to the ground, ”you have something to catch you so that you can get back up again.   And he held up his hand with three fingers.

Where are your three fingers? Have you given them away in this past relationship? Do you feel like you have nothing to stand on? Guess what, you still have them! Find them and stand up again. When you do, it makes letting go a lot easier.

For a great blog on “letting go” try this one from tiny buddha.

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Decisions are a girls best friend

Posted on by l0velyjune
4

Do you have issues with making decisions? DO you feel as though you can never seem to make the right decision?

One of the main jobs of being a healthy adult is to make decisions. In fact, there is a saying, “More than doers, we are deciders.” And this quote couldn’t be more helpful when it comes to love addicts (or any addict for that matter). The reason I say that is because we love addicts tend to do before we think. We tend to be doers, not deciders. We act impulsively, we make decisions based on our emotions, or our fantasies, we even allow our inner child to “get behind the wheel,” as Susan Peabody always says. And while this is a great way to live and experience the world when you are a child or a teenager, it’s not a great way to live as an adult. In fact, it’s downright irresponsible and careless. I have a lifetime of bad relationships and mistake as proof, and I am sure many of you might feel the same way.

But in order to go from being a poor decision-maker (Hey, look at that guy laden with red flags, he just winked at me, he must like me, maybe he’s the “One” I’ll go for it!) to being a good decision-maker (Hey, look at that guy laden with red flags, he just winked at me, he must like me, I think I will AVOID that one because I deserve more than he can offer…”) certain lessons must be learned.

During my path, it took a while, but I learned the following lessons that helped me become a better decision maker. If you have lessons of your own, please share! Here are mine:

1.) I used to make decisions based on what others thought and felt of me (he is showing me attention, whether I like him or not, I should date him). Now I base decisions on what I think and feel (I am flattered that you like me and are showing me attention, but I’m not interested).

2. I used to make decisions based on no sense of right or wrong. I would overlook all kinds of red flags and flaws (OK, so he has a drinking problem, that might go away. I will date him any way because he’s cute.” Now I make decision based on my VALUES (I will never date anyone that drinks alcohol too heavily, so I will not date this person even though he is cute.)

3. I used to make decisions regardless of items of importance or significance (If someone was good looking or had chemistry, that was more important than the fact that he constantly cheated on past girlfriends). Now I make decisions based on a hierarchy of important items (Looks are secondary to a man who has values, respect and virtue.

4. I used to make decisions in a split second, without thinking. I believe my first impulse was correct. I was so wrong. My first impulse was almost always wrong! Now I take my time before I decide anything. 

5. I used to believe I had to make a decision (you either commit to me or not!) Now I recognize that sometimes it’s OK to not make any decision (the world is not black and white, I don’t have an answer right now and therefore, do not feel the need to make a decision.)

6. I used to base my decisions on my emotions (my heart says “He’s the one!”). Now I base decisions on both my head and my heart and weight the importance of both (My heart says “He’s the one,” but my head says he lies too much and he’s too avoidant for the long haul, so I will have to cut my losses and move on.”)

7. I used to panic at the thought of making the “right” decision and so I would make a decision blindly, without thinking (Who cares what I decide! I’ll probably suffer anyway.) Now I know that it takes a little more effort and work to come to the “right” decision and it may not always be right, but I assess my risks and try to make the “best” decision (Writing lists, taking time to think about the positives and negatives and knowing that you are WORTH making a good decision helps).

8. I used to make decisions based on no knowledge of a subject or a refusal to look at the reality of a situation (I made decisions about relationships based on my fantasy of that person). Now, I am less afraid.  I make decision based on the truth and what is real (I no longer close my eyes to the truth, even though what I see I may not like and it may mean I will have to give up a potential new relationship, at least I making a clear, wide-eyed decision).

I would like to add too that learning to make good decisions on your own will give you good practice for when you need to make decisions, problem solve and negotiate with a partner. So, see these lessons as important stepping stones that will make you a more well-rounded, conscientious person within a relationship. 

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Is venting part of the recovery process?

Posted on by l0velyjune
4

Is venting healthy for you? Click the photo to read more.

I would like to address the topic of “venting” as it came up in another thread, and I would like to talk about how it’s more detrimental than we think. That it is not part of recovery or the healing process, but rather it is a continuation of the addiction.

I have been in recovery since February 2008, and I can assure you that whenever someone is called out on the Boards for “venting” they become defensive and usually leave. Why? Because you are telling them to stop an addictive behavior they do not/cannot stop. This tends to feel shameful. So, instead of changing the behavior and recognizing that it is a toxic behavior and not who we inherently are, we feel the need to defend ourselves and rationalize the venting as “necessary.”

Well, it’s not necessary. Believe me.

A perfect example of this is in my own life. When I was high on the PoA, all I wanted to do when I was not with him, was talk about him to others. But in my talking, I wasn’t saying what a great guy he was. I was “venting” to others how wronged I was, how much he hurt me, how much I knew I needed to get out of the relationship, and ultimately, how I went back and fell madly in love again. I vented to my friends over and over and over until the inevitable happened. I burned a lot of bridges and lost some friends. People didn’t want to hear me complain anymore. If I wanted to get out so badly, why didn’t I? Eventually, instead of stopping the venting, I started hanging around others who were also in miserable relationships. They could vent and I could vent together. Misery does, after all, love company.

Looking back, this process of venting was not part of the solution. It was not healing or cathartic, it didn’t help propel me forward. it was toxic. It was part of the addiction. When I was not with my PoA, I would summon him anyway I could by thinking and talking about him. It was the flip side of the SAME coin! And when someone who cared a lot about me (my mother) would tell me to stop venting, I would get angry and defensive and eventually, I wouldn’t want to be near her. “She didn’t understand!” I thought. “She just wants me to shut up!” I thought.

But I was the one who didn’t understand. The more I obsessed over my situation without doing anything about it, the more the “venting” and the PoA controlled my life.

It was only when I realized this that I started to change. That the solution to my addiction was not only “NC” (no contact), but it was changing the very way I THOUGHT and communicated about the things in my life.

To a love addict, our drug of choice is not only our PoA (person of addiction) but our obsessed thoughts and fantasies of our PoA. So, each time we analyze our relationship via the PoA or act out, or “vent” about how we can’t stop loving the PoA, or how he wronged us, we are taking a hit of the drug.

When we enmesh others in that fantasy and that drama, we are validating our PoAs, we are validating our pain, we are securing “partners in crime,” so to speak, and we are taking another hit of the drug.

Recovery is not venting. Venting is not part of the recovery process. Analyzing your OWN behavior is. Analyzing his behavior or the impossibility of the situation is NOT. Recovery is recognizing that no amount of “talk” about the PoA will do any bit of good. That only repeated ACTION toward a solution is worth anything in the fight against addiction.

But letting go of venting is EXTREMELY difficult. We are just as addicted to our venting as our PoAs. The way we think, however, and the way we communicate and what we talk about all day is WHO WE ARE. So to just stop venting is hard to do. You need to replace your negative, PoA-driven thoughts with other thoughts. Little by little.

I always post this experiment you can do with yourself to see how deep you are into the venting. Set a timer for 10 minutes. Sit in a quiet room all alone. Close your eyes. Try not to think of your PoA or anything about him (or, for that matter, love or another lover, or relationships past, present or future). WHat other thoughts can you think? What else have you got on your mind? When I did this experiment, I was shocked and saddened. I had literally NOTHING to think about besides my PoA. No wonder no one ever wanted to talk to me. I ONLY talked about the PoA, nothing else. I knew nothing about art, music, politics, what was going on in the news. Nothing. That’s how obsessed I was.

That experiment was a huge wake up call for me. I didn’t want to be like that. So, I took action to fill my head with other stuff. I started writing again, I started to learn more about politics, I took classes, I got more involved (and thus, more present) at work and with my kids. And you know what, I trained my brain to stop depending on the habit of venting.

Venting is a crutch. It keeps you anchored to your addiction. When you are really ready to recover, the venting has to go. It’s not productive. And the ONLY way you can truly see this is once you’ve given it up and moved on. You can look back with 20/20 vision.

Do you agree? Disagree? As always, share your thoughts.

Here is also an old blog on “Obsession” which sheds some light into what I was going through four years ago regarding the thoughts in my head and how I communicated. Hope it helps!

Also, here’s a video blog on “obsessing” which, if you changed the wording around to “venting” may also be helpful.

Fighting back negative thoughts

Posted on by l0velyjune
10

I am REALLY struggling this month with negative thoughts floating around in my head. I have been under a lot of pressure lately with work and kids and it just seems that my only outlet is to secretly bash everything and everyone in the private space between my ears. Thing is, it’s non-stop! “Who does she think she is?” “What a loser,” “I really hate when people are hypocrites,” “Who does that?!” “I can’t stand the way he does this,” “I think she’s jealous and bored and manipulative,” “I hate her,” “I hate him…”

It goes on and on. And then there’s the script that I play over and over where I am talking directly to the person I am angry with. I summon as many examples as I can to bolster my argument to put the other person in their place, shame them, yell at them, punish them.

I hate to say it, but lately, I am filled with so much hate and anger and I don’t know where it’s coming from.

It’s partly coming from being overworked and over stressed. From having too many people in my house and not enough adult time. Not enough quiet time. Alone time. I am angry that I can no longer control my environment.

Another part of it is coming from others who are stressed out as well and kinda taking their issues out on me. Because I am under so much stress myself, I don’t have a lot of positive force within me to handle it, so I fall apart much quicker. I snap more easily. My skin is not as thick.

And of course, because of all this extra stress, I have been sick for MONTHS. One cold after another. One doctor’s visit after another. I am so worn out!

The biggest problem is that I feel STUCK. I know that I have to force the negative thoughts out of my head. I know I have to give up control. I know I have to be grateful and see the beauty in things. But sometimes (now!) those affirmations and bits of advice just don’t work. Enter frustration. Not only am I dealing with negative thoughts, I am unable to resolve the problems that are causing the negative thoughts. Argh. My usual method of dealing with problems is to isolate and avoid everyone. But I can’t do that in a household of six people! So…there’s gotta be another way. In a TIME article, it says I should just “accept” my negative thoughts, and yet, they are not always about myself. They are about others. Judging, angry, hateful thoughts about how others have “wronged” me or hurt me in some way.

How do you deal with negative thoughts? DO you have any techniques to help deal with stopping the thoughts or changing your mind about something? PLease post your ideas! I’m in need :) So, far, the only thing I am trying to do is drown out the negative thinking by listening to NPR, going to spin class (but I still think negative in class, at least until my body takes over) and I have been reading a book on Native American spirituality, which helps a bit.

Shallow self-love or deep?

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

One of the hardest things i ever had to learn was what real self-love was all about. Back when I was in high school, I thought it was all about dressing weird and different and being yourself and bragging about how great you were. I also thought if I intimidated others, that was a form of self-love (i.e. I loved it when others would tell me I intimate them). I also loved some of my behavior and sometimes I even liked my looks.

What more was there?

Well, for starters, while I was loving myself on a very basic, shallow level, I was smoking like a chimney, I was dating men who didn’t treat me well, I was working at loser jobs, I wasn’t going to college, I wasn’t taking care of myself financially, and so on. It’s like if you say you love dancing, but never actually dance.

Eventually, when I quit smoking I spent a lot of time on a quit smoking site and I heard over and over again, “Your body is a temple! Don’t pollute it!” It was THEN at age 39 that I finally realized, to love yourself means to believe that you are SACRED. And when you believe that you are SACRED, you don’t pollute it. Not only with chemicals, but PEOPLE TOO.

The year I quit smoking I also quit all my PoA’s and toxic friends. I went back to grad school and I started to really take care of ME. I got my finances in order, I started working harder at my job, I spent more quality time with my kids and family and those who love me.

That to me is self love.

How about you? Do you love yourself to the point of taking care of yourself? How do you take care of yourself? Do you believe you are SACRED? Do you love some areas of who you are, but not others?

Tell us!

New Year junkie

Posted on by l0velyjune
1
English: Two New Year's Resolutions postcards

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Unlike all my nostalgic friends who always say goodbye to the past with tears in their eyes, and hello to the new with fear and trepidation, I tend to embrace January 2nd with all the giddy euphoria of a first date. I’m a New Year junkie. This, however, is not to be confused with New Year’s Eve, which I always hated–in fact, part of my euphoria for the new year was partly due to the fact that NYE was over for at least another year.

I guess, when I think about it, the manner in which I throw myself into the new year is more or less part of my love addiction.  ”Onward! To the next bad relationship. And chop, chop!” I was always so willing to move on without much conscientiousness or time alone in between partners. The same can be said about the years. I dumped the old without so much as a polite goodbye and hurled myself forward in any and all directions save the one I just came from.

In fact, one of the most thrilling aspects of a new year was the New Year’s resolution. Like most, I too believed I would accomplish great feats within the new year. And so, my lists were a mile long. If I put it on my list, I was more likely to accomplish it. Right? Wrong. I’ve attached last year’s list of resolutions and my comments in parenthesis as to whether or not I accomplished them. You can see for yourself that I didn’t do so well.

  • Complain less (Never happened)
  • Quit coffee (Almost happened and then there was Paris & Amsterdam)
  • Have a nice black and white photo op done of D and I (Never happened)
  • Spend less (Never happened)
  • Save more (Never happened)
  • Spend less time on the computer (Never happened)
  • Visit/attend/become a member of a zen buddhist retreat center (Never happened)
  • Eat more raw foods (Never happened)
  • Get to the bottom of my indigestion issues (this is something I worked on for an entire year with no measurable results)
  • Sing more (Maybe)
  • Yell less at my kids (oops…the opposite happened. But things have changed now that I am aware of ADD)
  • Take the online business certification course with my brother (Never happened. I am now moving in another direction and want to do Integrative Nutrition)
  • Figure out what to do about grad school (Never happened)
  • Publish one of my short stories in a decent magazine (never happened. Gave up rewriting it).
  • Maintain my sense of self (this has been a challenge)
  • Relax (Never happened)
  • Work harder (WHy did I put this on the list? It came true, so…)
  • Write more (definitely happened with my Lovely Addict blog, but not my others)
  • Find a cause and support it continuously (Never happened)
  • Be more consistent with exercise (Never happened, in fact, got worse)
  • Go camping/rock climbing/ hiking (Never happened)
  • Go easy on the unsolicited advice (Never happened)
  • Remain neutral (Never happened)
  • Be more open-minded (Never happened)
  • Be patient (OK, now we’re getting into trying to change my personal nature- good luck with this one) (Never happened!)
  • Be positive (Maybe just a little)
  • Judge less (Never happened)
  • Let go (Never happened)
  • Take risks (Amsterdam and Paris!)
  • Be more ambitious (Working on this!)
  • Worry less… (Never happened)

The reason may be that there’s simply too many resolutions on this list. Thirty-one resolutions are a bit overwhelming, unless you’re Bill Gates (who probably has this kind of check list every day).

The other problem is that most of these items on my list are vague. “Remain neutral.” Well, what the heck does that mean? How am I supposed to follow a resolution like that? Making resolutions that are clear and specific are easier to follow. “Save $3000 by December 2012,” is much clearer.

Also, if I had written down some sort of direction as to how I could achieve these goal and the time it might take to achieve them, I may have had better success. Instead, I set myself up for failure.

Lastly, a friend of a friend who is a life coach suggested New Year’s “themes” instead of resolutions. The Happiness Project describes a New Year’s theme as “one idea, often summarized in just one word, as an overarching theme for the entire year.” For example, if I go this route, my one word might be “Serve.” It’s humble. It fits in well with my goal to be better a better listener and a better salesperson (at work). And it embodies my own personal nature, which means it will be more pleasurable to accomplish.

Whatever you choose to resolve, accomplish, wish or summarize in one word, be patient with the process. A new year, I am now learning is like a new friend. The quicker the passion begins, the quicker the friendship fades. So, get to know Time slowly. There’s no rush. ANd when making resolutions, be specific. Keep your list manageable.  Give yourself a strategy (direction to take and time to achieve your goal). And stick to it. Accomplishing goals, no matter how big or how small, feels good.

So….what are your resolutions or “themes” this New Year? What are your thoughts on moving forward into 2012?

Scratching the “itch”

Posted on by l0velyjune
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If you think this post is about my son who has ADD, don’t be fooled. It’s about YOU. But bear with me while I’ll get to that.

My son has been spiraling out of control over the past several months. He’s a smart thirteen-year-old, who scored high on all the state tests, but because of his chronic forgetfulness and disorganization, he’s failing nearly every class. Part of my frustration is that we sit together and do homework almost every night. I see it getting done. I check it. And I make sure it gets in his bag.  From there, who knows what happens! Somehow, someway, it never gets turned in and he gets a big fat zero. Sure, all eight-graders are forgetful and disorganized. It’s a normal stage of development. But multiply that scenario by 100, and throw in inattentiveness, lack of motivation, easily distracted and chronically bored unless something phenomenal is happening. Mix. Stir. It’s a recipe for ADD. ANd yet, I have been avoiding labeling him for so long. I didn’t want to fall into what I considered the ADD trap–diagnosing my son with a “disorder” only to have him carry that burden around with him for the rest of his life. But I knew something had to be done.

Along with a slew of other things that I put in place to help my son, one was reading a book about ADD. Sure, we all know the obvious, stereotypical traits of ADD and ADHD, but I wanted a deeper perspective. That’s when I started reading Edward Hallowell’s book Delivered from Distraction and–are you still with me–that’s when I learned that ADD and Love Addiction are intertwined.

Hallowell states that statistically, ADDers have the highest ratio of addicts. That includes alcoholics, drug addicts, love addicts, overeaters, and so on. Why? Part of the reason, he explains, is that ADDers have an “itch” they need to scratch. That a typical trait of someone with attention deficit disorder is not only impulsivity (jumping into to bed with someone way before it’s reasonable, falling in love fast, etc.) but boredom– a sense that getting into a little trouble (or getting high off love) is the perfect remedy for a massive desire to feel ALIVE.

This concept nearly blew me away. I was chronically “bored” as a kid. I was always in need of something or someone to make me feel alive. I was withdrawn and inattentive in class, got F’s all the time in high school (later in life I went on to graduate college Magna cum laude, but it took years to finally hunker down and finish school), and I would constantly start something and never finish it (I hate to say it, but this post almost didn’t make it. I am still the same way). And yet, I was never disorganized or hyperactive or forgetful, so I never considered myself ADD. But the truth is, whether I am or not, I know I have some of the characteristics of ADD and it is a great direction to go in to learn more about myself.

I felt it was important to share this with you all as well. I’m certainly not suggesting that all love addicts have ADD. But, if you are a love addict, take a look at your history. Question whether or not there may be a correlation. Can you relate to feeling the overwhelming need to scratch an unidentifiable “itch”? If anything, read the chapter in Delivered from Distraction called “The Itch at the Core of ADD” I have a gut feeling this will resonate with many! And by all means, let me know your thoughts!!!

The positive side of care-taking

Posted on by l0velyjune
2

In recovery we sometimes think in terms of extremes. When we recognize co-depenent, caretaker qualities in ourselves that we wish to overcome, we often think that we should kiss ALL care-taker traits goodbye. That any form of care-taking is bad. We do this, obviously, to protect ourselves. When we have been carrying around the burden of a personal quality that has been holding us back or getting in the way of our growth, we tend to think it needs to be completely removed. This is absolutely not the case!

What I am learning in my own world is that balance is the answer. The control-freak side of me that wants to do everything for everyone needs to put on the breaks. But when one of my kids or D gets sick, my caretaker traits, when they automatically kick in, are much needed. Not only does it feel good to fall into that role (taking care of others is part of my nature), but my care and support, in this particular instance, is much appreciated.

It’s when we go overboard, or do for others what they could do for themselves that we run the risk of falling back into codependency.

My point? If you by nature are a caretaker, take pride in that, but bring out those awesome qualities only when the situation calls for it. If you are driven to care for others more than the average cold, maybe it might be a good idea to look for a job in the helping profession (nurse, doctor, waitress, service-oriented jobs, etc.)

In withdrawal?

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

Here’s something to read if you’re going through withdrawal right now and trying your hardest to remain NOT in CONTACT with your person of addiction…

All the numbness you feel, all the mental and emotional pain, all the physical pain, all the loneliness, all the ugliness and fear you feel….You are RIGHT ON TRACK. Everything you are feeling you are supposed to feel!!!! This is withdrawal and it feels horrible and yucky and PAINFUL. It is what you’ve been avoiding!!!! But don’t give up. You’re half way there. The pain WILL go away, I promise. Just keep focused on your goal: to be better and healthier some day. You deserve something real and good. You deserve to live a normal healthy life. Don’t forget to keep your eye on the prize: YOUR FREEDOM.

You are too important to the world to be the one person who has given up on herself. We haven’t given up on you. Why should you?

Hang in there. The pain will pass. It will NOT last. I guarantee it. If you go back, the real pain will return and you’ll have to start all over. NO contact = NO new pain.

You are worth this. You are worth every bit of this. It may seem hard and impossible now. But it will all pay off.

No pain no gain. You must suffer a little to reach your goals. Especially getting healthier. Imagine you have the flu. It’s only a matter of time before the virus clears up and you are better again, stronger.

Let me say it again, this is withdrawal and it feels horrible and yucky and PAINFUL. It is what you’ve been avoiding!!!! But don’t give up. You’re half way there. The pain WILL go away, I promise.

 

 

Remember HALT when you’re feeling blah

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Aside from this cold that I am still trying to shake (oh the price I was willing to pay for 24 hours in Paris!), I have been feeling blah inside, a little depressed. My first gut instinct is to blame it on something or someone outside myself–one of the most influential people in my life who is around me almost 24/7 happens to be D. Why does he always take the blame??? He hasn’t done anything. Why do I instinctively look to him as a CAUSE of my internal mood?

Oh, but wait…HALT.

I have been in recovery now for well over three years and I STILL have to remind myself of HALT, which stands for “hungry, angry, lonely, tired–” those pesky four emotional or physical conditions that need to be taken care of  in order for you to feel content and able to manage your day. I need to also add: coming down from my coffee or sugar high, PMS, and/or having been out drinking the night before). These are things that, when you are experiencing them, they tend to totally skew your vision of reality and make everything look bleak. They also, depending on the degree to which you are experiencing them, embolden you to start blaming others, yelling at others, getting into fights, or feeling more moody or depressed than usual, Worse yet, they can cause you to feverishly call your ex in a one of those ugly, desperate attempts to get him back, which you later regret. Why the hell did I do that?!

After I go through this list I can clearly see that because of my cold, I am feeling physically run down. I’ve also been playing around with my coffee intake, AND I had a glass of wine last night (one glass will do the trick!) I guess I blame D out of old, co-dependent habit. Pia Mellody mentions this in a lecture she did on codependence years ago that one of our members posted on the boards.

At any rate, part of recovery is getting to know yourself–not only your childhood or your past, but your current cycles, how food or drink affects you (hungry, too much coffee or sugar?), and how you react under stress (lonely, tired, angry, PMSing?). When you do not pay attention to something as simple as hunger, you could be up all night wondering why the heck you yelled at your friends when they asked a simple question. When you’re not paying attention to the fact that you’re really angry about your insurance bill, you could lash out at a relative for something totally unrelated.

HALT is not one of those things that you learn and once you learn it,  it becomes second nature. If you’re anything like me, you constantly have to keep reminding yourself to go through this list. You constantly have to keep reminding yourself that there are other, internal forces at work that do not have anything to do with who is present (or conversely, who isn’t). I think because for many of us, our identities have been so wrapped up in others’ lives we tend to relate to our moods and behaviors as if someone else is pulling our strings. But we do have feelings, emotions, and physical conditions separate from all others, that well up inside us based on chemicals within us. We are our own entity, and while much of what we experience in the world does have a lot to do with who we are surrounded by, not everything can be blamed on someone else. Sometimes, we have to look within for the source of our discomfort.

So, this is a reminder… are you tired? Are you lonely? Are you hungry? Are you PMSing? Have you been drinking? What are your cycles? Can you recognize a pattern or a reaction to certain foods? Seasons? Time of the day? Tell us.

 

Video Blog: Obsession

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

Yahoo! The first of my video blogs is out! Thanks for your patience.

You will need to click the picture below and go to Youtube to view it. Maybe in the future, I’ll pay the hefty sum to post videos right on WordPress, but until then, this’ll have to do. Feel free to post feedback so I know whether  to do another one of these or not. And by all means, give me topic ideas for next week! My youtube channel will be here. And I will try to do one a week to cut back on typing.

In love addiction, we only obsess over people or things that don’t belong to us.

 

Compromise, sharing and sacrifice…Ugg!

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

Five days ago I was sitting on the rue Saint Germain de Pres with D, sipping a cafe au lait at Les Deux Magots, happy as can be, all about me and my journey of finally getting back to Paris. Today, I am grumpily laying around in my ugly pajamas, kinda feeling the weight and discomfort of D’s ex now living in the house across the street, feeling out of control with all the kids running around in my space, and mostly pissed off that I couldn’t pick out the dish set for the house that I wanted.  I actually had to compromise. And I hate that.

This latter part is the crux of my problem lately. Recovery teaches you to love yourself, be independent, take care of yourself and not depend on anyone else. More than that, years of addiction creates in people the need to be  in control also. How so? Well, all my relationships were with avoidants, so it was basically like I was in a relationship with myself– no need to share, no need to compromise. The men were never really around to share a decision-making process, so I did everything myself. If I look back even further, I was an only daughter, with two younger brothers who were very close in age. I was constantly shut out and alone and made up games all on my own. No need to share my toys either because I was the only girl.

So, lately, I feel a bit frustrated. I feel as though I do not have the tools or the patience to be part of something bigger than me at all times– like this relationship. For example, D places healthy expectations on me, like, wanting to be included in the process of picking out dishes. Or wanting my input on who we hire to rake our leaves. He wants to hold my hand when we walk down the street. He wants to help me make dinner and then he wants to help me do laundry and cover the bed and put up the Christmas decorations. Well, sometimes, I want to put up the Christmas decorations by myself. And sometimes I don’t feel like holding hands. And I rarely want any help cooking. And I could care less who he gets to rake the leaves. And I especially want to pick out the style of dishes I want on my own. Me, me, me.

I don’t want to share. I find it difficult to compromise. I want to be in control. And I feel like all the independence I have struggled so hard for over the years through recovery (and by virtue of living alone, despite there being an avoidant male around) has been sacrificed for the sake of this union.

It’s not that I feel completely erased or without an identity. I still feel true to myself. But I feel frustrated. And I am a little angry that recovery doesn’t teach you anything further than how to love thyself. It doesn’t prepare you for the normal, healthy friction of coupledom. It merely teaches  you how to build the foundation (the Self), which is necessary for all other relationships. Well that’s all fine and good. But then you’re standing around without a road map. Worse yet, you’re built for independence, a life alone, and then thrown into an unfamiliar situation where you’re required to co-exist, share, compromise and sacrifice much of your independence for the sake of a union.

Even the 12-Steps fail to offer a set of principles based on compromise, sharing, letting go and being part of something bigger than yourself (except when it concerns your relationship with God). Service is a component of the 12-Steps. But let’s be real- you can still be totally egocentric and offer advice to further inflate your ego.

But in a relationship– a healthy one–you cannot exist on an egocentric plane. If you do, you’re doomed. Your relationship is doomed.

And so, I am currently looking for books that not only help in the recovery process, but in the longterm management of healthy relationships and basically how to be part of one . It’s more difficult than you’d think. There’s more of a cultural leaning towards “no compromise” and books on “sharing” are almost exclusively for kids! When I find something, I’ll let you know. Until then: do not want share. Mine. Mine. Mine.

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Susan Peabody, interview on DVD

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

I’ll just say up front that this blog is a shameless plug for Susan Peabody, author of Addiction to Love and Co-founder of LAA and our own LAA boards. Despite reading her book, and knowing her as I know a good (albeit virtual) friend for almost four years, I can honestly say today was the first day that I’ve seen an interview with her, let alone one that made me proud to know such a valuable woman who has inspired so many.

Now that I’m back home from Amsterdam (still basking in the success of the premier of Love Addict , which ended up being a completely sold out premier), I’ve been able to watch the DVD Pernille, the director, gave me. Not that I want to see the film again (though it can and should be watched a gazillion times mind you) but the team that created the DVD has since added supplemental material in the form of interviews with leading therapists and experts such as Pia Mellody, Jill Vermeire (Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew), Alex Katehakis, Wendy Merril (Falling Into Manholes), Tony Stiker, Rachel Resnick (Love Junkie), Howard Samuels and of course, Susan Peabody (Addiction to Love).

In Peabody’s interview, over 20 minutes of priceless commentary on love addiction and recovery , she gives a general description of what love addiction is, followed by the many different types of specific love addicts, such as co-dependent, narcissistic, romantic, ambivalent and torchbearer love addicts. She also gives incredible descriptions of seductive withholders, avoidants and other “obsessive” types.

When asked if love addiction is prevalent in America, Peabody responds by saying that she believes our culture is a very hedonistic one. We are “pleasure seekers, indulged by guilty parents” and that “love and sex are [often] the most exciting things on this planet.”

Aside from her expert descriptions of addiction, she offers a glimpse of critical recovery tools in the way of matter-of-fact advice. For example, she is a firm believer in the psychological term “projection.” Most of the love we feel or think we feel for another person, is based on projection, not what actually exists, but rather, what we think exists. She gives an example of this from her own life story in that she held a torch for someone she loved in high school, all the way up until their 20-year reunion. When he was 16, she said, he was blond, good looking, clean shaven, and handsome. Twenty years later he was 300-pounds overweight, in a wheel chair, with a full beard and completely drunk. She didn’t see any of that. What she saw, instead, was the sixteen year old kid she fell in love with twenty plus years ago.

This was, in essence, the story of my very first boy friend. I was madly in love with the pop star Prince, and when this skinny, uneducated, unattractive kid, named B came around and watched Purple Rain with me, I turned him into Prince. I didn’t see him for who he really was. I saw him for what I wanted him to be. Why? So that he fit my description of perfection and allowed me to experience love. Ah, projection!

One of the most valuable aspects of Peabody’s interview is witnessing her raw, exposed confessions of her own experience with the turmoil of this disease–and ultimately sharing in her recovery. Unlike the others, who, for the most part keep their interview to a safe third-person description of what a love addict is, Peabody reveals herself and she does so in plain, down to earth language, as opposed to using loftier more therapeutic terms. “Demystify the object of your desire,” she says, and always “interject logic” into your decision making process. This suffocates the “fantasy” that all love addicts hold on to.

I recognize that this is like dangling a carrot in front of some of you, as the DVD has not yet been released in the USA and I am only giving you a fraction of what Peabody said in her interview. It’s not yet for sale in Europe either. So, how do you get it? Well, you wait. It’s coming soon. ANd until then, there are several things you can do in the meantime…

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Falling without a net

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I came to a stark realization today. I have been falling without my net. Well, at least it feels like that.

Let me put it into plainer terms– I came to understand that my love addiction was my protection. It was in place all those years for a reason. It kept me safe. It kept me out of danger. If I was expending my energy on someone else’s issues, or getting someone else to love me, I didn’t have to confront the disaster that was ME.

When I think back, before my LA tendencies popped out, I was a very insecure, raw, nervous, awkward child. I felt very cumbersome in my body and had horrible stomach problems all the time. My stomach problems were so bad sometimes that I would lose friends over this. If my parents were not home to take care of me and work me through the pain, I would call friends and desperately beg them to come over to be with me. When this wouldn’t work (who the heck at age 16 wants to come over and take care of a crazed friend?), I would scream at them and say things I would later regret.

I suppose to avoid this ugly behavior, and this feeling of loss of control and self-hate, I learned to deal with it in what I thought was a more acceptable way: I dated (and ultimately married) men who didn’t care for me– men who, first and foremost made me feel the way my father made me feel–insecure, neglected, ashamed–and who took away the inconvenience of dealing with the hot mess that I used to be. Being in love, falling in love, longing for a man–these things all made me feel NORMAL and good and happy. Bouts of crying over the loss of some guy was far easier for me to handle than sitting with the emptiness of me. Sitting with the emptiness of me was horrifying. It was fraught with sickness, stomach problems, awkwardness and massive feelings of insecurity.

So, what’s the point in me telling you this? It’s this: when you recover, when you take away your security blanket that has protected you all these years, watch out. You need to do it slowly, carefully and consciously and you need to know that there will be many moments of feeling raw, naked and exposed. Oh yes, and this: you won’t be entirely successful.

Now that I am where I am, I am back to facing myself and sometimes it ain’t pretty. I no longer have the emotional highs and lows and the drama of love addiction to hide behind.  My stomach problems have returned. The awkward gawky child in me is back and she’s shaking her fist at me telling me to hide her away again–she doesn’t want to be out in the world. She doesn’t want to grow up.

On Thursday, I went on antibiotics for stomach issues of some sort. The antibiotics threw me into a deep depression and ended up hurting my stomach even worse. As I lay with the pain, I tried to face it, but at times it was unbearable. Then, I thought a very strange thought: I never had  stomach problems during the years I was with Avoidants. And why would I? I was too preoccupied with flagging them down and trying to get them to change their bad boy ways. I was also mired down in the fantasy of wanting a better life for myself, fantasizing about unrealistic things. The more I thought about this, the more I realized the importance and value of fantasy and love addiction. It’s not entirely bad. We all need SOMETHING to protect ourselves, otherwise the world will eat us up. Unfortunately for most of us, we take it too far and love ends up being a rather faulty defense mechanism that hurts us more than protects us. But I went the opposite extreme. I was trying to remove every single solitary one of my defenses and be this perfect, flawless individual. I even gave up fantasy almost completely. Who needed fantasy when reality was so perfect? Bah.

Reality is never perfect.

With that, I moved to the side of my bed and picked up my iPod and placed the earbuds in my ears. I flipped through the menu, back, back, way back to the 2005 Playlist and summoned Roy Orbison’s “In Dreams.” I hit play. In an instant I began to sob. This was a song I have not wanted nor needed to play in almost six years because it was the song I used to play repetitively that allowed me to dream and cry of G. To long for him.

G was a singer and a drummer and many years ago when I would go on gigs with him he’d sing that song to me. When he was gone, or almost gone, I conjured up that song as a means of soothing myself–and it worked.

I suppose this is what some, in recovery, might call a slip. I did, after all, betray D ever so slightly by going back and revisiting a long dead emotion: longing. I haven’t longed for someone in years. And while that is ultimately a good thing, it’s not without recognition that longing is still part of the spectrum of human emotion and not an entirely bad thing.

Does this mean I’m all into G again and have feelings for him? Absolutely not. It’s not the person I summoned yesterday, it’s the emotion, the drama, the feeling that used to transport me. In that sense, I didn’t slip. If anything, I realize even more that it was always the emotion I was going for more than any man that helped me to feel it.

As for D, I love him more than ever and I am grateful for him daily. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. But he does not inspire in me the more unstable, irrational emotions that I had become so accustomed to–that I grew up with. Instead, he inspires new emotions, new feelings of love, security, trust, friendship and passion. Those are all good, wonderful emotions, but from time to time, I now realize that it’s important–it’s imperative to the essence of who I am–to go back and experience the ugly from time to time. It’s like the story of Pygmalion– Eliza Doolittle is pulled from the gutters of poverty and transformed into a Lady. With the help of the Professor, she is able to pass herself off as a Duchess.  And  yet, the poor cockney flower girl is still inside  her. You can take the girl outta Brooklyn but you can’t take Brooklyn outta the girl.

So, remember that on your way out of love addiction. You will need some sort of net to protect you and you might not be able to totally exchange who are for someone new. And why would you want to? At least that’s what I am trying to tell myself today.

Feeling out of control & insecure

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I am up at 4:30 in the morning, trying to begin to acclimate to European time before I actually get there. I am excited to be heading to Amsterdam, but I am nervous as hell and filled with anxiety. Leaving my kids, flying off to Europe, missing the holidays with my family, and sleeping in a small room with D for five days straight is causing massive stomach problems. It’s like there’s a writhing snake pit in my tummy. This latter issue (sleeping in a small room with D for five days straight) has nothing to do with D in particular as much as it has to do with the fact that I desperately need my privacy and need lots of space–to wake up, to go to bed, and to be alone when I need alone time. My desire to have that alone time, in fact, had me dreaming of getting my own room at the hotel. Like an adjoining room. That’s not unreasonable, is it? It reminds me of the movie The Sheltering Sky. In the beginning, Kit and Porter are in a hotel in Tangiers, Morocco, and they are in separate rooms. The husband explains that, because they travel so much and spend so much time together, they get their own rooms. To me, this is a romantic notion. To be so close to someone, and travel so much that you have to have separate hotel rooms is pure romanticism.

In my case, however, it’s pure egocentricity and the need to control my situation. Truth is, and I am ashamed to say this, but I am unable to be too close to someone. I am very much a loner (loners have one hundred percent control over their lives and what happens to them). It’s difficult for me to “share” my surroundings sometimes. I notice this about myself when all the kids are present in a room too– I, generally, have to leave because I can’t handle the noise and commotion.

And while D and I get along very well when we travel together, if I don’t get a little time by myself everyday, I start to get moody, cranky and short-tempered. When we went to Spain two summers ago, the traveling was a little hard on me. The rooms were so small and the bathrooms were located RIGHT by the side of the bed! Hello? Who puts a bathroom right by a bed? We were very much at the mercy of foreign ideals of comfort. Our trip to Sedona, however, was perfect because they upgraded us to a five-room suite. I had tons of space! I could write outside on the back patio in the morning, I had my own bathroom, and in the afternoons, I could go into the living room and watch TV, while D stayed in the bedroom or went out on the patio for a swim. We had a wonderful cycle of coming together, moving apart, coming together, moving apart again. This, of course, sounds high maintenance of me. And spoiled. I do realize that. But if I don’t get some time alone, the writhing pit of snakes in my stomach starts acting up and doing crazy things and ultimately making me miserable.

What’s making me so nervous now, is that I had no control over booking the hotel room, so it is most likely small. And I am now taking antibiotics for stomach problems, which paradoxically, gives me more stomach problems. Small room + stomach problems + man in room = disaster!

I told D yesterday, I am nervous as hell about what he will think of me and how he will deal with me up close and personal for six days in a row. I am not used to exposing myself like this, without the safety of privacy or running away.  His response? Lighten up. You’ll be fine. I love you. As anyone with anxiety can attest, this approach didn’t really calm me. In fact, I started obsessing it about it more throughout the day. And then, at around two o’clock in the morning I realized that much of my time is spent on managing food, drink and mood so as to SEEM perfect and flawless for HIM. I am focusing so much of my time on thoughts of HIM and HIS comfort, worrying incessantly that my true ugly self will be exposed and offend him.  How nuts is that?

D’s right. I really do need to lighten up.

But how? This part of me has not healed yet. I am strong, but not that strong. I am true to myself, but not 100% true. I am OK with some compromising in a relationship, but I still notice my tendency to want to control things. And I am mostly able to be myself in front of him, but not completely. Heck, after almost three years, I JUST now started to be able to walk around naked in front of him. Let me tell you, it’s liberating! But it took a long time to build up the courage to do that and feel comfortable with it.

Anyway, I have some more work to do on me, some insecurities that need to be faced. Courage that needs to be got. Tomorrow, we hop on a plane and I need to be OK with whatever happens. I need to let go of controlling the situation and D’s response to me. Above all, I need to accept my own humanness and not try to seem perfect or invincible. This, by far, is the hardest part of healthy living for a former co-dependent, love addict like me. My inherent need to seem perfect is what propelled me, in the past, to seek relationships  with sub-standard people. It’s what still moves me to control my environment. Now, I’m on a level playing field and things are out of my control. It feels uncomfortable, unnatural and scary. And I can only hope I am able to mentally and emotionally resolve it quickly. Wish me luck!

 

 

Closure is so Hollywood

Posted on by l0velyjune
6

From time to time I read about people’s longing for “closure,” that moment where your ex gives you the opportunity to ask questions, get stuff off your chest, find answers and basically help transport you to this emotional place, free and clear of longing now that you ‘ve had that moment.

Here are my thoughts on closure. I hope you’ll add your own:

1. It’s pure fantasy. Most of us never get the opportunity for true closure, and those that do get the storybook moment almost never feel real resolve afterwards. You know why? Because there are always more questions! And there are never enough answers. True closure, when you expect it from outside yourself, doesn’t exist. Once again, you are depending on him to be something he cannot be, and do stuff he cannot do.

2. It’s not something someone gives you, like an opportunity to “understand the truth.” YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. You just don’t want to know it. And you don’t need him giving you one more thing. He’s done enough, don’t you think? Besides, has he really been all that honest with you from the get go? What makes you think he’s willing to be truthful now? We give closure to ourselves. Period.

3. Break-ups are messy. They oftentimes make no sense;  and they mostly have no definite beginning, middle or end. Most of the time they are MYSTERIOUS and we will never know WHY they happened, let alone why they didn’t. We need to be OK with not knowing everything. We do not have a right to the secrets of the universe. And trying to find out WHY, only seems to antagonize us more. Letting go is less complicated and more dignified.

4. Expecting closure is for control freaks. No offense. I was one of them. But think about it. It’s like expecting to read people’s minds, or know about death before it happens. Impossible. And the whole “I have a right to know why you dumped me,” line? Ahem, you actually don’t have that right. You wish you did. At best, you’re lucky if your ex will let you in on his reasons. But chances are, he doesn’t even know himself.

5. Waiting for closure is yet another excuse to HANG ON. We’re so scared of letting go. Why? Ask yourself, what’s the worse thing in the world that could possibly happen to me if I just walk away and never looked back?  Letting go is a risk worth taking. Trust me! Not only does it give you the freedom to find someone more appropriate (I know you don’t care right now), but it also gives you much needed time to focus on YOURSELF as opposed to the relationship. Hello? Don’t avoid or neglect you (didn’t he do that?) Give yourself everything he was unable to give you, and more.

So practice a little zen, and just sit with the discomfort for a while. You make your own closure. You are in charge of your own happiness. You can even create your own answers. Whatever works. But depending on someone or waiting for someone else to give you that feeling of satisfaction is pointless and irrelevant to the struggle within you. You determine your own course. No one else.

Related articles: Instead of Getting Closure

Dreams do tell

Posted on by l0velyjune
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I had this dream last night, which kinda started out real dreamy. D and I were trying to find the perfect house—one with enough bedrooms for all the kids and enough space where I could have an office and a room to retreat. So, we somehow end up at this huge house, completely decorated in a style similar to mine—black and white photos of Paris on the walls, big red velvety sofas in the library, and bedrooms galore, each with its own bathroom. Who knows where the owners were! Away on vacation, maybe. So, I start covering beds and cleaning up a bit, as if we were planning on simply staying a night or two. Once I put the kids to sleep, I start wandering through the house and come upon several hidden rooms, all of which make me desire the house even more. The next morning, the owners come home. The woman in particular is a blond and she’s angry. But she’s impatient to sign the papers and get rid of the house.

D and I are all for it and he starts signing. As he does that, I walk around the house in awe of how beautiful it is, and how much of this woman’s stuff she’s willing to get rid of. I greedily hope to possess it all. And the more I look around, the more I am shocked that she even wants to leave. There must be something wrong.

After the papers are signed and she leaves, a wild storm comes upon us and shakes the house. Pictures fall off the walls. The floor boards rattle, walls collapse. We all start running through the house to look for cover, when I come to a part of it I’d never seen before– the back– which looks out over a huge body of water. In the distance, I see a tsunami-sized wave approaching and all I keep thinking is “D had to have an lake front!” and “No wonder that woman was so quick to get rid of this place!” From across a shaking room, I say to D, “Can we get out of the contract????” And then I woke up.

When I told D the dream this morning he asked, “What do you think it means?”

I said, “Not everything’s perfect? Trouble in Paradise?”

He didn’t respond, and went about pouring his coffee. I didn’t pursue a conversation on it either. Maybe it was a bit mean of me to say that. But the truth is, I have been feeling overwhelmed lately with the idea of moving. I mostly want to move, and in my dream of dreams, it’s a better house than this one. But then I have a dream like this and it shakes me to my core and makes me realize that, subconsciously, I am terrified of losing everything I worked so hard for and I don’t want to undervalue my own possessions. The grass may not be greener.

And yet, a move is inevitable. I almost have no choice. This house is far too small for us. And so I think, life is all about change, adaptation and re-adaptation.  And sometimes we need to let go of things that haven’t harmed us, so as to search the unknown for something new.

Eerie coincidence

Posted on by l0velyjune
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Perhaps I shouldn’t post this because it’s purely fantasy driven, but two things: it’s far too weird of a story not to share, and it’s a great lesson in how little we actually know about our surroundings compared to how much we think we know.

So, D and I were driving through H___town yesterday on our way to a restaurant in the next town over. We’d driven down this particular road before, but I guess I must have never mentioned that I used to live here. “I had a house on Park Street,” I said, “right down there.” This tidbit of info must have triggered a memory for him, as he then said, “Do you know a girl named Kathy C___?”

“Sure, I know her. Why?

“Well,” he said, “I went to a party of hers like 20 years ago with L and K. And she had this boyfriend named D…”

“Dear Lord,” I said. “D was my ex. The guy I almost married. Not only that, but I was at that SAME party. That same night!”

“Well, I vaguely remember that she was pissed off with D because he’d gotten so drunk, and so she was flirting with me all night.”

“How funny is that,” I replied. “He got drunk because he didn’t want to date her anymore–I found out later. He was secretly in love with me, and was flirting with me that night. Little did I know he was about to end it with Kathy and ask me out. But I was actually into S and flirting with him.”

“So, while Kathy was flirting with me, her boyfriend D was off flirting with you. We were kinda connected back then,” D said.

“Crazy. I don’t even remember you being there.”

“Me neither. But obviously we weren’t ready for each other yet.”

So, that was the coincidence, but here’s the weird part. I have always believed that that era in my life was marked by a very strange yet unknown phenomenon. Like it was my end. Like this was the point in my life where I was supposed to meet the man I was to spend the rest of my life with (total love addict fantasy). Many strange occurance and “feelings” (which I won’t bother going into) had happened during that time to fortify that belief. Initially, I thought it was D #1. But that relationship ended badly and despite the fact that I didn’t love him and I was the one that ended it, he always stayed on my mind, almost as a warning or as reminder of my indiscretion. My life was certainly never the same after him. In fact, it took a serious decline. Before him, I was on my way up. I loved my job, had many friends, belonged to something bigger than myself. After him, I seemed to have lost it all.

When I hooked up with S YEARS later (from the same party, the guy I really had a crush on back then),  (aka the 2008 S I have written about here), I thought my prediction was still right. Because S had come out of that era, I once again believed there was something about that time that was supposed to reap a lasting reward. When we broke up, I truly abandoned the dream. It was, after all, unrealistic of me to think that I could predict my future. And yet, when D and I learned we were at the same party, it gave me chills. It was like there was this weird gravitational field that pulled us all together in one night and sealed my fate. Only I couldn’t predict who it would be, or when.

Lesson here: despite being mostly a realist, who tends not to believe in a God that moves people together for a reason, I still have a little of the fantasy left over in me. The little girl inside me, in spite of all her hard work to abandon eerie coincidences and magical “Prince Charming will come” thinking, still, from time to time, believes in fate. But here’s lesson number two: I have learned this bit of info about D almost 3 years into our stable loving relationship. I am, therefore,  not using the information as a basis to continue dating a man I barely know. Do you see the difference? Fantasy is fine, as long as it does not interfere in your decision-making. As long as it is not the basis for what you decide. In this case, the story is an added perk to the man whom I already adore for a gazillion other solid reasons. And yet, I’m glad he was there that night. It’s comforting to know, in a the universe is a mystery sort of way.

Conversation with a struggling love addict

Posted on by l0velyjune
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A couple dating in a cafe.

Image via Wikipedia

I receive a decent amount of email from readers, but the below was a conversation that I couldn’t resist sharing. There’s too much great stuff here not to post it.  

ANONYMOUS READER:  After reading your posts both on here and on your LovelyAddict blog for eight months, I figured it was time to reach out to you…to say THANK YOU. You are a brilliant writer and your words have helped me more than you could ever imagine. Trying to crawl from the depths of this addiction have rocked my world the past year–it has made me feel incredibly crazy and like a waste-of-space. I, too, was married to a sex addict (who had a secondary addiction to alcohol and went into rehab when I was pregnant with our second child). I actually handled things quite well (or so I thought) for the first two years after the divorce, but when I started dating last fall things when downhill fast…but that relationship brought me here, which I am incredibly grateful for! I did the whole torchbearer thing until someone new came along in August…and things have ended badly again. Both guys were avoidants and I lost myself in them and/or tried to rescue them (which I swore I’d never do again–grr). Tonight I reread “A fish is not a bird,” “You are entitled to something better than scraps,” and the “500 pound elephant in the room“…I GET IT intellectually…but emotionally my mind stays on the roller coaster. I know there’s a bigger picture in all of this. I know I have everything I need within me…but I just can’t get past needing external validation.

Anyway, I could not have made it through these last eight months without your writing. SO THANK YOU for the time you have taken to help people like me move forward. THANK YOU for showing up and sharing your experiences and your wisdom. And THANK YOU for your honesty so that I know I’m not alone!

LOVELY: This is one of the best letters I’ve ever gotten. Thanks so much for reaching out. It had a huge impact on me today. Never not reach out to someone!

And I hear you. I too was in your same situation. I mentally GOT IT. But still, nothing could change my behavior except a string of distinct happenings in 2008. Sadly, no two paths are alike. For me to learn what I had to learn took dating some real weirdos, and I wouldn’t suggest you do anymore of that! But how about this: I am actually working on two posts today (that may go up over the next day or two). There are both on relevant topics, so I suggest you look out for them.

And what about your values? Do you ever post on my blog? Write out your VALUES. Your values force you into making correct decisions for yourself. For example, one of my values is “WIll not ever, never, EVER date an alcoholic man.” When that makes it on to my values list, it becomes the highest goal. Higher than dating anyone. So, when I do go out to date (or when I did go out to date someone) I made sure they were not an alcoholic or any kind of addict. If they were, I walked away no matter how cute they were. Same with “avoidants”. Put them on your list of values too! “Stay away from avoidants.” But how do you know if you’ve got an avoidant??? It’s tricky but here’s a blog post about it.

ANONYMOUS READER: Thank you for the post today on avoiding avoidants. Loved it and I really needed that! You rock! I have never posted…too scared. I do have a rough draft of my values but I really need to officially get them into writing. I’ll work on that.

I have a question for you. I am a person who has a lot of energy. I’m very loving, affectionate, happy, etc. so when I’m in a good place people love to be around me. Unfortunately, if I’m in a bad spot (PMS, mega stress, I’m around an avoidant-LOL) I have that same amount of energy but in a negative way. My question is this: in a normal relationship, would a man just see me through those short episodes without shutting down? I’m “one of those” who, the more a guy shuts down, the more I obsess/text/call and can’t let go. Not pretty and I can’t seem to stop it in the moment.

Also, I have a very hard time going at a snail’s pace (not physically by any means, but emotionally and wanting to spend a lot of time together). Will that be easier if I fill my life with my own stuff and stop losing myself in the guy? I would guess so. Again…intellectually, I get it…but the childlike emotions seem to get the best of me when a man comes into the picture.

LOVELY:  So, let me help you out here a little, and please try not to take offense. This is from my own experience…

It’s wonderful that you have lots of positive energy! But it may be too much. And I say that because if you are balancing out all that great positive energy with an equal sum of negative energy you may be off balance. What I mean by that is this: Love addicts tend to operate in extremes. We gain extreme highs from love, only to feel extreme lows from a loss. Some of us impose solitude (which sometimes turns into sexual anorexia) on ourselves for months or years just to recover from the highs and lows of a tumultuous relationship. The more balanced you are on the inside, the more balanced your behavior. That’s number one.

Number two, there are not many healthy people I know, men and women alike, who can tolerate bouts of negative energy, especially when and if it’s directed at them. We have no right as humans to expect people to tolerate that kind of behavior. And those that do seem to tolerate it are most likely unhealthy themselves. But I believe this kind of behavior, maybe it’s anger, comes from the frustration you feel when you are with an avoidant. Yes? Do you exhibit this same kind of anger when you are single as well, or with people you love? If so, it’s something you need to address. I too was always angry every month…and frustrated by the men I was with. It was because I was dating the wrong man! I was dating losers! When you date someone who is kind and good and attentive and loving, it has a calming affect upon you. I almost never get these huge mood swings anymore, where before I got them every month.

So, to answer your question, a healthy (loving) guy would surely see you through genuine pain and suffering. He may even put up with moodiness or anger temporarily. But a healthy guy would not go avoidant on you and stay. He would leave. And who could blame him? That’s not appropriate behavior. It’s not an appropriate way to communicate. A man who loves himself would not put up with abuse. So, try to figure out the source of this negative energy and see where it’s coming from. That should help.

To address your last concern: I’m guessing it’s hard to go at a snail’s pace for you because you are ruled by your emotions. This is one of the most difficult things to control for most LAs. But I think the difference lies in the type of man you date. If you start dating a man who is also falling in love fast, this isn’t exactly a good sign. You said you have kids, which tells me there’s a bigger picture there. When you date, you can’t let your emotions do the thinking for you. You have to think of your kids, your reputation, your safety, etc.

This kind of runaway train mentality, when it comes to a man, also signifies that you are making men and relationships your highest priority. They shouldn’t be. You and your kids are your highest priority. If you have a list of values, they should be your highest priority. And YES, when you have a life for yourself and other interests, you are less inclined to risk everything you’ve got for the sensation of fallling in love. When you’ve got nothing, when you’ve built nothing, you’re more incline to take uncalculated risks. So, going at a slower pace is not just an action. A lot more goes into WHY you should take it slow and that’s probably where you need to focus.

Here’s a helpful tip to remember the next time you are confronted with a date or the possibility of a relationship: love addicts have NO interest in cultivating a relationship (which takes time and takes deferred gratification and takes not always getting what you want when you want it). They only want two things: to be saved, and to forget themselves becasue they do not have a strong sense of self worth. People who have a strong sense of self-worth are MUCH more careful about who they date, who they sleep with, who they introduce their kids to, who they INVEST in. So, they wait until trust is built, before sacrificing their emotions to someone else.

SO, the next time you are faced with a hot guy, remember that. Remember what you want as a love addict and compare it to what you want as someone with a decent amount of self-worth. Align your behavior accordingly. It’s hard! But you will get it and you will change when you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.

ANONYMOUS READER: I’ve reflected upon whether or not I have my high and low emotions when I am single. I don’t think so. Not that I don’t have normal emotions and get sad/angry/emotional at times, but when I’m single I feel carefree, generally happy, and pretty confident. I surround myself with people who I enjoy and when I’m around people who drive me batty, I turn to Al-Anon literature to get a grip. But the difference is, I don’t expect anything from any of those people. But I do from my PoA. For instance, I have struggled from some health issues the past few years, so I have debilitating migraines.  My ex-husband was very loving and supportive through these health issues. So now, I would like the man in my life to also be supportive when I am struggling physically. This last PoA (R) was not emotionally supportive at all. Could that be a value for me? I want someone who is emotionally supportive when my health issues get unbearable? My two PoAs after divorce were quite opposite…one only showed me attention when I was sick and the other wouldn’t give me any attention when I was sick, unless I kinda begged. Umm, happy medium, please? Yes, the anger I feel is definitely coming from the avoidant’s disconnect from me and his defense mechanism of shutting down…he did that when I thought things are going well and wanted to talk a few nights a week or see each other on a regular basis. But that d**n texting…I drove him batty. Oops.

The source of my negative energy, I think comes from an instant downhill spiral in self-esteem when a man enters the picture. I never felt as though my ex-husband was attracted to me. I come with daddy issues in that same area but I think I’m now so worried about making sure that someone is physically attracted to me, so my self-esteem goes down the tubes immediately. But when I’m single, I’m happy with how I look. When my health allows me to, I exercise regularly, I eat well b/c it helps with inflammation, etc. I think I may even be okay and feel somewhat confident when I’m with a man, but when he doesn’t compliment me, I start to question myself. Compliments are one of my “Love Languages”–love that book!

When you wrote about making men my highest priority, you nailed it. That entire paragraph is life-changing for me…THANK YOU! I really need to especially cling to: “wait until trust is built before sacrificing emotions to someone else.” I do the opposite….here are my emotions…save me! Yikes! I may feel good when single, but I must not have a STRONG sense of self-worth. It’s time to actually open my Self Esteem Workbook!!

Oh, one more thing, if you are willing…I really feel awful about spewing so much negative energy on R at the end. Is there a time down the road when I can apologize, or do I need to let it go and chalk it up as a learning experience? I just really feel guilty and sad about making him so upset.

LOVELY:  I’ll answer your last question first: let him go. Leave him alone. There is no time “down the road” to make amends to this one. He made a CLEAR request of you, and you need to respect it. So often LAs don’t HEAR men’s requests because we didn’t respect them to begin wth. Respect his wishes to be left alone. And forgive yourself. You did the best you knew how at the time. You didn’t kill anybody, rob, cheat or steal. You simply interacted with him the only way you knew how at the time. He’ll be OK. And so will you. And guess what, your whole life will not be judged by your interactions with this one person. You will be able to make amends with others. You will be given a second chance! TRUST ME!

Second, this is GREAT news to hear that you are happy and carefree and relatively balanced when you are with people you enjoy. I’ll get back to that in a minute. As for the people who drive you batty, of course you can manage them and walk away and don’t have any expecations of them…YOU DON’T LIVE WITH ANY OF THEM. They are not in your space. And you probably have great boundaries when it comes to people like this. I have a drug addicted friend. I love him to death. But we are a safe distance away that I do not depend on him for anything, so I can remain friends with him without being hurt in anyway. But hell if he moved in. I’d be very unhappy. With a spouse or a bf it’s different. You have expectations of YOURSELF and how you wish to live your life, and when you’re dating someone “batty” your expecations of the way you want to live your own life are not being met. Because dating is so intimate, boudaries have to be down. You can’t really “protect” yourself against the person you’re dating, and so, if he’s batty, or not your type, you feel raw and exposed, which then probably makes you angry and frustrated.

So, two things are an important lesson here:

1. You need to study the people who make you happy, who you enjoy. Write a list of them and look deeper into their qualities. These people do not trigger you. They probably also share your same values. PLUS (and here’s the biggie) you know and trust that they love you. This is who you need to date…men like your favorite people. This is who will keep you relatively calm and happy. We are, after all, different with different people. Don’t think you can just date and fall in love with anyone. You can’t.

2. Along with that, you may have to let go of some of your expectations of the care and effort you expect men to put into your life. I get the sense that you want them to maybe not pamper you, but “fill a void.” Do any of the people in your life you enjoy have that same responsibility? Maybe you secretly wish they did, but you know that you’re responsible for your own happiness and so you do not demand it so much from them. You know your place, so to speak. But sometimes we think that a man should be responsible for our happiness. He should not be. It’s not his job.

Read my post on NEEDS. ”You DO have a right to be loved. And you DO have a right to be respected. And you DO have a right to have your needs met in a commited relationship. But you do NOT have the right to demand it from someone who is unable or unwilling to give it.

This is one of those moments where you simply need to say to yourself, “Grow up! Not everyone will love me, and not everyone will meet all my needs.”

This means that not just anyone will suffice. And it is also a really good argument for taking your time and choosing someone who shares all your core values. When that happens, your needs are already built into the fabric of who that man is and what he is capable of giving you. That’s a tricky concept. But here it is in a simili: You can fulfill your need for food at a restaurant or a grocery store. You CANNOT fulfill it at an auto mechanic shop. Make sense?

As for your medical issues, YES, it is absolutely imperative to your health and well-being to find someone compassionate about your condition. But again, you have to understand (whether you like it or not) that you cannot force or beg someone to be compassionate. It has to be built into the fabric of who he is. You can’t date some guy who you believe is perfect in twenty ways but one. That ONE issue, even though it’s just one, is like the one hole in a boat. You’ll sink. You have to share all your values (“Must leave toilet seat down” is NOT a core value, by the way). And so yes, put “must be compassionate about my condition” on your values list. It’s part of who you are and that need needs to be met. If I had only one leg, why would I date someone who had an aversion to amputees? Strange analysis, but it’s the same thing.

Lastly, yes again! Get thee to a library or book store and pick up the Self Esteem Workbook. I don’t care if you’re fat, thin, pretty, ugly, if you have purple hair or you’re a midget. Beauty is all relative! Nothing defines your looks but YOU. And when you believe you are good and beautiful, others feel it and believe it too. This is the kind of lesson you learn by turning to celebs. Superficial, I know. But, take a look at Rosie O’Donnel, or Oprah. Imagine them WITHOUT their fame and fortune. Imagine them with low self esteem. They’re pretty average looking, right? They’re both overweight, they’re both relatively unattractive (to me, anyway). ANd if they were just average citizens, they wouldn’t have much to offer the world because none of their fame and forture was attached to them. Right? Wrong. They were average citizens and nobodies a long time ago. But they believed in themselves. What right did they have to think they were beautiful and talented? No more right than you, my friend.

ANONYMOUS READER: It means a lot to me that you’ve taken the time to write such in-depth responses to my questions. So please know you have helped me immensely!! Thank you! I’ve clearly had enough pain/misery and am ready to do anything it takes…and I am ready to let L go. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I needed to hear it. Your explanation really helped me put it into perspective.  I truly appreciate you and am so grateful for your help!

Posted with permission.  

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I need you!!!

Posted on by l0velyjune
3

I need you to love me.
I need you to be happy.
I need you to take out the trash.
I need you to feed the dog.
I need you to make love to me.
I need you to support me financially.
I need you to be nice to me.
I need you to pay more attention to me.
I need you to respect me.
I need you to stop lying.
I need you to love me more than you love her.
I need you to make a decision.
I need you…I need you…I need you…

Oh! The neediness.

So often, when we meet someone and then embark upon a relationship with them, we demand that our needs be met by this person. I cannot tell you how many times people have said to me: I have a right to be loved. I have a right to be respected. I am in a commitment relationship, which means my partner should meet my needs.

All of those opinions and beliefs are true. You DO have a right to be loved. And you DO have a right to be respected. And you DO have a right to have your needs met in a commited relationship.

But you do NOT have the right to demand it from someone who is unable or unwilling to give it.

That’s number one.

Number two is this: you don’t NEED a man (or a woman) to fill any of those above needs. Oh, it sounds so lonely and sad! But here’s the deal. You can love yourself, be happy yourself, entertain yourself, take out the trash yourself, have sex with yourself, support yourself financially, rake your own leaves and on and on. A healthy relationship must be absent of NEED. You need to come to the table WHOLE. None of this “You complete me” silliness. Or “I’ve found my second half.” YOU ARE WHOLE and he needs to be too.

This was our topic of discussion this week on the boards.  Feel free to comment:)

How to avoid the Avoidant

Posted on by l0velyjune
28

I hate to make sweeping statements, but I’m gonna: love addicts need to avoid Avoidants. Period. People who suffer from avoidance are not good or bad, but they are NOT the best choice for a Love Addict.

Of course, I was always attracted to avoidant men, nearly all my life. If I took inventory of the personality traits of all my exs, whoa, they’d almost all be avoidants. So, when I recovered, I made my list of VALUES (ahem, if you have not done this yet, get on it. It’s one of the most critical steps in your goal to not make the same mistakes again and change the caliber of person you are willing to date). I placed things on my list like “I will never date an alcoholic or a drug addict ever again.” For me, that was a red flag. It was something I could not handle in my life. If someone was into smokin’ a little weed here and there, yeah man, this was a huge trigger for me. I knew, by this point in my life that if I dated a guy like this, I would NOT be able to change my opinion of the habit, nor would I be able to accept it or live with it. It had to go on my list. And when I started to date again, it was an easy red flag to look for. A person’s drinking or smoking habits crop up right away, in the very early stages of getting to know him or her.

But what about avoidance? I put it on my list of values. Well, I put “Will not neglect me” on my list. That should cover it, I thought. But how would I even screen for neglect when most guys in the beginning stages of dating were all over me and into me?  Every avoidant I’ve ever known never started out avoidant.

My life depended on this information. I did NOT want to date another one of these types again. And I was beginning to think that all men were avoidant, which is completely false and completely dangerous thinking. When you start to think in terms of black and white, in terms of ALL MEN ARE (fill in the blank), you then begin to settle and accept bad behavior as your only option. Not good. So, I came up with two SOLUTIONS that I used during my dating life that changed my ability to have control over whom I dated. Here they are…

1.  I got to know the stereotypical qualities of avoidants. Yeah, I know, you’re not supposed to stereotype and everyone is so different and blah, blah, blah. I am the first to repeat that you cannot think in terms of all men are this way or that. But, let’s consider this. The human brain stereotypes for a reason: to make intelligent deductive and inductive conclusions about the world so as to be safe and protect himself. When you stereotype you do not say, “All men are assholes.” Instead you say, “Most people from this particular group share these qualities.” People are predictable. They share similar qualities. They can be grouped together so that you can form a general idea about whether or not you belong to this group. It’s how corporate advertisers find their niche market. And why you see high fashion, world travel and anti-depressant ads in affluent magazines like Vanity Fair. And why you see sex tips, romance novels and fake nail ads in magazines like Cosmo.  People fall into lifestyles. Well, it’s the same for avoidants. They too can be stereotyped. Here are some of the qualities to look out for:

  • Over the age of 40 and never been married.
  • Over the age of 35 and never been in a serious, committed relationship longer than 6 months to a year.
  • Possibly drinks excessively, smokes pot or does drugs.
  • Has not treated women well in past relationships.
  • Avoids responsibility in his life (financial, social and personal)
  • Doesn’t take care of himself well.
  • A Peter Pan (someone who exhibits signs of wanting to remain eternally youthful and never grow up).
  • Falls desperately in love with women within the first weeks of the relationship.
  • Not interested or ambiguous about commitment of any kind.
  • Lies.
  • Cheats.

And here are a few more personality traits from the DSM-IV

▪                Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
▪                Self-imposed social isolation
▪                Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
▪                Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
▪                Feelings of inadequacy
▪                Severe low self-esteem
▪                Self-loathing
▪                Mistrust of others
▪                Emotional distancing related to intimacy
▪                Highly self-conscious
▪                Self-critical about their problems relating to others
▪                Problems in occupational functioning
▪                Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
▪                Feeling inferior to others
▪                In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
▪                Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts

Before you let your inner-caretaker take over and convince you, “this is a great guy! I feel sorry for him already.” Remember your VALUES. These are the types of qualities in people you want to avoid.

2. I took my time when I started dating again.  This is one of those things that sounds easier than it actually is. So often we meet someone, and whether we like it or not, our emotions take over. We feel like we’re just along for the ride. Well, get over this. Stop letting your emotions control your behavior. You are emotions are there for a reason: to tell you when you’re hot, cold, angry, sad, etc. They are reflectors of the bigger picture. But they do NOT have the ability to make critical, logical decisions that will guarantee your safety. The biological cocktail of chemicals that ignites when you first meet someone you have chemistry with is a part of the animal urge in us all to procreate. So, hear me good, if you are not an animal, and you do indeed have a human brain, you need to use BOTH. So often even the healthiest people depend on their emotions to guide them. This is not good. There needs to be a balance between logic and emotion. Your logical brain in the adult in you. It is capable of shrewd, emotionless analysis of a situation. It is very possibly the side of you that recognizes the red flags and says  “I need to stay away from this guy. ” The emotional side of you is the child within. It says, “But he’s so hot! I gotta have me some of that.” The child side of you (the emotional side) does not recognize red flags, is apt to put her hand in the fire, and will run out into the middle of oncoming traffic to chase a pretty bouncing ball. This is not the appropriate behavior to employ when making life decisions about things like work, money, housing, and relationships.

You were given a brain. You need to use it. Especially when dating. That means giving up certain long-standing dreamy concepts like “love at first sight.” It means no more “falling” in love. And it means that you don’t have spontaneous, careless, throw caution to the wind sex on the first date. This is reckless behavior for a love addict. And it’s as dangerous as letting a toddler hang out an open window ten stories up. That toddler is you. Close the damn window and be responsible.

Take your time when you date. This means simply enjoying a person with no hoped for outcomes. It means getting the whole “I wonder if he’s the one” out of your brain. And it means giving up the notion that dating is romantic. It’s NOT! You may be attracted to someone, and they may be attracted to you. But dating someone new is partly awkward, and mostly filled with the unknown. I hate to take the thrill out of it. But it’s work. It’s the part of the relationship where there really isn’t a relationship yet. And it’s both of your jobs to see if there should be a relationship or if it’s JUST chemistry.

And speaking of chemistry…we click with lots of people. If you are older and wiser, you know this already. I clicked with so many people in my lifetime I was like a camera. Click, click, click. I found out that clicking didn’t necessarily mean that these men would make for good boyfriends. Having chemistry with someone is a great  precursor to a healthy relationship, it may even be a good “sign” that you will get along. But it by no means, and I repeat…it BY NO MEANS signifies the health of a potential mate or the health of the relationship you might have with them. You can click with an axe murderer. But you wouldn’t want to date one.

Lastly, and most importantly, dating slowly and getting to know someone over months, not just days or weeks (and not just online, but in person!) BUYS YOU TIME. Time is the greatest gift when you’re set to the task of getting to know someone, because only time reveals a person’s true character and allows you to see what they may initially want to hide (like their insecurities about intimacy or their fear of commitment). The is the time you can see for yourself how they relate to others too. But the best thing about giving yourself more time before “falling” in love, is that it allows you to make an educated choice about someone and thus, love consciously, as opposed to just falling for someone recklessly, without thinking.

Warning: flirting with Joe Romance and seducing him, but holding off on sex almost as a tease is not what I mean by buying yourself more time. Pretending you’re not interested in the hottie down the block so he will pursue you isn’t either. Buying yourself more time means taking the sexual and romantic elements out of the equation for a little while. It means getting to know someone as you would a friend. And getting to know a friend is pretty basic. It takes a blend of logic, wisdom, insight, chemistry, and kindness. If it continues to feel good the friendship continues. If it doesn’t, or it’s not mutual, the friendship usually ends.